Well Patriot ~ for what its worth, I don't usually offer advice or opinion on other's life choices unless I am asked. I don't think you should have confronted the other guy.

Froz ~ Patriot erred on the side of your protection. Not sure he erred at all...but if thats how you see it, fine. Rather than hurt you, he chose to protect you.

Why are you seeing this as a failure?

I'm glad that if he erred, it was on the side of my protection.

I don't desire for him to lose, however.

I already said that incident wasn't a big deal to me. I am not upset about that. He just thinks I am.

Well...given the way you are posting today, I'd think so too.

Coincidental, really.

The Hooters thing was irrelevant to me.

Patriot and I had an interesting talk Friday night.

He skipped class and came home, which was nice of him to do.
This talk was unlike any of the others we have had before. The content was similar, but the method was something totally new - it was him.

For some reason, he wasn't scared of me. For some reason, he was able to set down his feelings of guilt and focus on me.

A couple of times I LB'd him with some angry outbursts, and possibly some DJ's. Instead of donning his scared rabbit look, he came back at me with strength. That's how he looked to me - strong and confident. He was honest and vulnerable. His vulnerability looked strong to me. It made me feel protected that he could do that.

He took control of the conversation by listening and being patient with me and really hearing me.

I felt supported.

It was a nice change.

He even moved the conversation towards talking about some of the things he thought I needed to think about for my personal healing.

He told me that separation was unacceptable to him and he wouldn't agree to it.

For a little while, I felt connected to him.

Now, the distance has been back the last couple of days. Maybe I'm just thinking about things...I don't know. I know the distance is my fault.

I ask that MB folk pray for my wife and I. It is 2 weeks until DDay anniversary(although I can think of no good reason to treat it like an anniversary.. like it should be celebrated.. other than it is one year of no A down, forever to go.) She is having a hard time. We are having a hard time. Life is a hectic, busy thing and for the few things that I have addressed in our situation, we have so much more to do.

She is getting worse I think. I was watching a football game on the TV last night and fell asleep. This was after she and I had watched a movie together that really creeped her out, and she seemed to want it to creep me out. It didn't and that felt like something that put a wall up. I find out later that she wanted to talk to me(she told me this morning) and that she feels more and more comfortable with the distance. She said it felt better to sleep alone.

I am rambling because I don't know what to say but I felt like talking. I wonder at what point is it giving up hope or accepting the truth of the end. I really don't want to lose her.

Sure feels like I don't have any say in the matter. Pray for her. Pray for us. I still stand on hope, but it sure feels lonely.

What was the movie?

The movie was The Jacket.

It really wasn't relevant to anything. I didn't desire for him to be creeped out by the movie. I just found it odd because it was something I had described to him before - and then seeing it in a movie, almost exactly as I had described, was odd. It has absolutely nothing to do with infidelity, or with our current situation.

Again, I didn't have some wish that he be equally as creeped out by it as I was. I just found it odd that he didn't think it was weird, since I had described this movie to him months before seeing it.

It is NOT what I am struggling with, and I had no expectation whatsoever that he find it odd, also.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the current state of things.

I have no idea why he thinks it does, or why he even mentioned it.

Froz;

Sounds like he's struggling to figure out the explanation for your current behavior....making an assumption that it is about the movie....

I don't know why he mentioned it.

He knows exactly what I am struggling with, and the reason for my current behavior (which really isn't anything new - I've been pretty consistently roller coastering).

Perhaps he was just rambling, as he mentioned, and threw the movie thing in there as part of that. I don't know.

deleted

[[[[[froz]]]]]]]

Just like us FWS's have pasts - you do to - and guess what - as people tell me, including you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It's in the past - as are your misdeeds. They are not who you are today - just like I am not a FWW today.

Definataly not the cool cats we are today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think of ya lots ya know!! Hang in there

I know they are in the past. I know the things I did in the past are not who I am. They weren't who I was then, and they definitely aren't who I am now.

Maybe I was trying to make myself feel worse than I already do...I don't know. Your thread just got me thinking about things I've done that I am not so proud of.

I have made amends for these things. I have apologized to my mother, as an adult, for some of the things I did as a teenager - specifically those two things.

I have never told my children that I did that. I make amends to them daily by trying to be the best mother I can be. I made a lot of parenting mistakes. Of course, everyone does, as no one is perfect, but I really made some big ones. I wish that I hadn't been so young and ill-equipped as a mother when my children were younger.

But then if I hadn't had my children young, I wouldn't have been able to have them at all because I had cancer in my early 20's.

I'm still wondering why I felt the desire to share those things. I'm thinking of deleting it - not out of embarrassment - but I'm just wondering what the point of that was.

BTW, you are one cool character. You are quite a lady.

Last night frozen and I talked about the 'why' I had an affair. Then she left hurt and destroyed. She came back and we talked about details. She asked questions and I answered them to the absolute best of my ability. I did not lie.

we talked all night. I got an hour of sleep or so. I don't think she got any.

I don't even know precisely what I feel right at this moment other than disgust for myself. Disgust for my life. Disgust for my existance.

I feel horrible right now. This is close to unbearable for me. I am sure it is unbearable for her. I have no idea how she is at work today.

Can I ever recover? Can she? Can we. I want to do everything the MB way and with focus on her healing. She is the victim.

I don't even know what to say right now. I brought this on myself. It wasn't worth it.

I don't even like posting right now because this board is full of BSs that hate me and what I have done. BSs that think I should simply deal with what I have done because I choose to do it.

I can't say anything constructive right now. I just really need someone to talk to. Anyone.

I hurt so badly right now and I can't do that because it is selfish and I need to be strong for her. She has a horrible husband.

I don't hate you ... that would be like hating my own beloved husband ...

I think you acted like an idiot in the past ... but I see so much growing and tons of potential ...

hang in there

you have a fan club ... I am going to say that if I hated YOU I'd have to hate Frozen's heart ... and how could I say that???

You are both imperfect ... but maybe perfect for each other

Pat, first I am soooo proud of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know it was a struggle and painful to face what you did but you did it!! I have much confidence that you and froz will recover, especially now that it is all out. The walls can come down now.

I don't hate you. I have admiration for how hard you and froz have worked at this. Any BS that gets angry with you is justifiably angry at their own WS. You just need to let those things roll off your back. The only one that really matters is your lovely bride. {{Pat/Froz}}

the bad day continues. I have so much I need to talk about.

One thing that I want input on is how long does someone think a WS should not move forward with their life? Meaning let the past go for themselves personally. I have been remorseful for the past year. I have turned away from this sin. I have distanced myself, timewise, from this betrayal. Should I still feel horrible about myself? Should I still be riddled with guilt to the point of no action because I am frozen with it? I have not been a cheater for a year. Why can't I feel good about that and me?

I recall sometime back I used the term psycho for BSs in the toolkit. Someone on here made a point to get me to change it to 'wounded animal'. I remember being irritated because they kept repeting it in posts and bolding it... like it was being tossed in my face repeatedly.

NOTHING has been more true. She is like a wounded animal. She cries and whines in pain and then lashes out in furious anger and bites. This cycle has continued for sometime now.

I know she can not move away from my A until she is ready. I am ready. For me and me alone, I am ready. I am not THAT man anymore. You are what you are? I am not crap anymore. People talk of personal recovery. In my personal recovery journey I am ready. I do not think I should be lashed out at because I have a differing timeline on personal recovery.

I feel controlled. I hate it. I can't do anything right. And I am expected to swallow my feelings lest I make it about me. Then when I react in a way that swallows my feelings, I am hiding myself, and therefore causeing distance. I can't do anything right. I used to still be afraid and lie about things. Now, I just can't do anything right and instead of being afraid, I am pissed.

I have more on this, but I have to go.

WEBSTERS: Regret - sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one's control or power to repair

Patriot, let me very gently remind you that a lot of this is still new to Froz. You had the full picture but she was missing the pieces, KWIM? Now is the time that froz will begin to heal and will be able to work through her pain. You just can't know how hard it is to swirl around and around because you know some pieces of information are missing. Give her some time to catch up with you. You are doing fine, truly you are.

I know she can not move away from my A until she is ready. I am ready.

Unfortunately some NEVER move away from it. Some people stay ensconced in their own personal ****** of victimhood. The people around them suffer right along with them, they make sure of it. Naturally I have no way of knowing if that is happening there...I just think you need to be made aware that it does exist.

Now, I just can't do anything right and instead of being afraid, I am pissed.

Yep, I've been watching all this play out and I've wondered when you were going to hit "pissed".

A year is quite a long time to still be punishing someone for their affair...ESPECIALLY when the WS is remorseful and committed to their partner, and their actions have shown that. It might be a good idea to take personal stock of what you have done SINCE the affair (to right your wrongs) and when you are sure that you have done everything within your power, it might be time to rethink where you are. Some people never forgive in the true sense of the word..their mouth says they have but their actions say something different.

JMHO
committed

P.S. This is simply MY opinion...and I am not trying to say whether your marriage will, should, could make it. I am making comment to you as I would any other individual that posts on this forum. Your W being a poster is irrelevant to me in regards to my response to you.