D-Day anniversary came and went without much fuss.

For the most part it felt like any other day, until the evening. As it drew closer to the time the previous year that everything changed for me, I grew more and more anxious.

We were at dinner and drinks with friends. I didn't drink. If alcohol is a depressant, I need to stay far, far away from it. I threw myself into a near-panic state in my mind (all by myself - my fault), remembering the events as they happened that night and feeling emotions about the events and my actions.

I feel ashamed about the way I reacted. I wish I would been "in shock" more gracefully. I wish I hadn't said "I hate you", or lashed out because of my own pain - not just that night, but many nights and many days. But those things are said and done and I can't change any of it. I would rather take the shame and regret of my previous actions and put them to good use, rather than stew in my own guilt. The only good use I can think to put them to is to learn from them and stop repeating them.

It would have been nice to be comforted or to somehow feel like I wasn't going through it alone, but Patriot was tired. I was at a loss for what to do at that time. He already stated that he was tired, and he was visibly falling asleep. I decided that it would be a selfish demand to wake him up, as I've done so many times before. Instead, I got my comfort from writing and praying.

I have been thinking about basic concepts and have really been focusing on Disrespectful Judgments. I've been such a master at making them, I often don't realize I'm doing it. I'm trying to sit back and think before I speak. It's difficult, but doable.

I've also been thinking about Detachment with Love and punishing behavior on my part. I focused this entire weekend on allowing Patriot to be and do what he wanted, without punishing behavior from me. I think I was somewhat successful. I don't know if he felt punished or not, but I did not engage in behaviors that were punishing.

That was not an easy task to accomplish. We spent the weekend together, yet alone. We were either in separate rooms, or not really speaking and in the same room. I was not angry with him for it, and I was not waiting for him to come talk to me. In the past, I have done both. The few times I approached him, he seemed irritable, so I didn't push.

Instead I spent the weekend thinking about me, instead of focusing on him. Patriot can't solve my problems, and it isn't fair to expect him to.

I'm thinking about ways to solve my problems on my own, so that he can be free to solve his own.

Thanks for listening.

Matthew 11
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Today was a really, really good day.

Recovering together looks likely. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So happy to hear this news, Frozen...

KEEP US POSTED....

hmmmmm had been wondering where you disappeared to...

Oh, we've been busy working on this great idea we came up with...stopping LB's and meeting each other's EN's.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

CAN BE SO SIMPLY STATED...YET SO DIFFICULT!!!!

...and so difficult to explain, too. That's why I haven't really posted lately. I don't really know how to explain it. I don't know how it began or how it seems to be growing.

I've spent the last couple of weeks really working on DJ's, my primary form of LB'ing. I've also been working and thinking really hard about distorted thinking, which is where I believe is the source of my DJ's lies.

By this past Saturday, I really thought I had made some real progress on stopping withdrawals in this area and I wanted to move on to actually meeting some EN's, so I had a long talk with Patriot in which I asked and LISTENED to which things really hit the target the most to meet his top 5 EN's.

It was such a rewarding conversation. I learned a great deal about him and what makes him the happiest and how I could accomplish it most efficiently. It was GREAT information and I am so appreciative that he took the time to share it with me.

He expressed some fear about telling me when it was too much, and how he could let me know.

I reassured him that I really do want to know and gave him some ideas of how to tell me in ways that would not hurt my feelings. I think he feels better about it now.

Patriot has been working very hard at one thing, in particular...HONESTY AND OPENNESS. Oddly, it is the easiest method to withdraw my love units, my #1 EN, and also the area that seems to be the most difficult for him to practice.

Without my protection of him, it makes it almost impossible for him to give it to me, so I have been really working on protecting him in this area.

We had the most wonderful weekend together. It was so wonderful that I didn't want to let it go and go back to the routine of daily life. I wish we could have frozen time and stayed that way for just a while longer.

I was actually really depressed about it yesterday, going back to real life. I tried to make myself get out and do things, but eventually I had to come back home. I felt really low about it and I couldn't fight the urge to just get in bed and stay there, so I did.

When Patriot got home, instead of being angry or upset that I was depressed, he brought his laptop and homework in the bedroom and just sat on the bed with me and let me sleep. He stayed right by my side and it was very comforting.

It's so senseless, really, the ways that I have been working against him to get my needs met.

Does that make ANY sense at all???

It only needs to make sense to you. The important thing is if you can learn from it and what you can do with it.

Sure it makes sense.

You made a decision to drop the entitlement to lovebust your husband, and when you decided to stop being right, you started being happy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BrambleRose,

Why didn't you tell me to do this before now??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

LOL.

You had your fingers stuck in your ears and were singing LALALALALA!!

I told you it was as easy as making a decision! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What?! You don't like my singing???

My husband is a very special person and I am lucky he has been so patient with me.

Also, my fingers weren't stuck in my ears. I heard you the whole time. I just wasn't ready to apply it. I was too busy hurting.

I'm not doing so well today - emotionally or with Recovery. I was working very hard at eliminating LB's. I have not been working so hard at that the last couple of days. I haven't necessarily been putting forth effort to specifically withdraw units, but I haven't been putting forth effort NOT to, either.

I feel lonely and unimportant.

{{Froz}} I know those feelings well. Changing behavior especially working at it as hard as you are can be lonely business. Do something nice for yourself and ask Pat for a hug.

I can't because he isn't here. He has been very busy with school and stuff.

Have you two been working on spending time together? What else can you do for yourself?

Well, I have told him how I feel. Up to now, I have been allowing him to respond without being angry with him.

Today I started to feel really neglected and desperate and I let him know that, too.

Of course, now he wants to talk when he gets home.

Obviously, just sitting here typing this to you, I've identified that I've been LB'ing again because it works. It gets his attention.

This is not how I wanted it. Now it feels like he is only doing it to please me, and I also don't feel like I deserve it because I got angry with him and LB'd.

froz, cut yourself some slack ok? We all slip. You two really need more time together and not be so busy!

hmmmm....

Patriot is not responsible for your happiness.

He's responsible for meeting ENs...yes.

But YOU are responsible for your happiness.

When my husband spent a year and a half, working out of state, I only say him for a day and a half every week.

I found other ways to entertain myself while he wasnt around. The best thing I ever did for myself was learn to be "OK" with aloneness.

Living with yourself and no one else around to distract can be a bit....disturbing.

But it can be motivation for alot of cool growth!