Froz, when you are finished with your books (the Dobson book is excellent) let me know and I will send you my copy of the book. I have no use for it.

I looked up the book you recommended online. It looks interesting and applicable. I forwarded a link to Patriot to see what he thought of it. Thank you very much.

I might get it sooner, rather than later, so hang on to your copy. You never know when you might need yours.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Frozen.

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For instance, this morning Patriot got angry with me because he asked me if I really do love him. I told him that I haven't been feeling very loving lately. I didn't say it angrily or hatefully. He asked a question and I didn't want to lie.
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Don't forget that love is a choice, Frozen.

He asked the question from an emotional need he had at the time, or maybe he just needed some assurance that you hadn't changed your mind about him. Maybe he just wanted to know he was still valuable to you.

Unless you have chosen not to love him, then your answer should have been an unconditional response to the choice you have made to love him. So "Yes" would have been the appropriate answer.

Patriot's anger was an immature response to the wrong answer from you.

I want to remind both of you, that radical honesty is very dangerous when it comes to revealing emotional content. How you feel may change second to second. On the other hand, what you choose or have chosen to do or be, demands radical honesty.

God bless,
Gimble

Gimble,

I so love hearing from you! Thank you for your input.

I've been thinking hard about what you said. I suppose this would be yet another negative by-productive of my being so emotional. I wonder...are there any good things about it???

I did ask Patriot what he was looking for with his question. He said he was looking for reassurance.


I see precisely what you mean. It's very important to me to be completely honest. I assumed incorrectly that he was asking me how my love bank balance was doing, since I thought he already knew that I have chosen to love him. It seemed so clear to me at the time.

I understand that emotions ebb and flow. Obviously, since you can read back a few posts and see how not 10 days ago I was mushy gushy with love for him. So given that, I will know next time how to respond to him.

I do love him. I never said I didn't. I just told him that I wasn't feeling very loving. Of course, if I'd asked the same question, that would have been what I'd wanted to know so I responded accordingly. Now I know.

Sometimes I really hate being such an emotional creature. It isn't always a lot of fun to FEEL everything so hard, or to define everything in terms of feelings. I really am working hard at some of the things you told me in the past about the difference between fact and feeling and a lot of that directly ties into Distorted Thinking patterns.

Tomorrow is our first wedding anniversary.

I wonder how much progress we have really made in a year. Of course, any progress is better than none and I know we have made some, both individually and as a couple.

My analytical/examine the process side has me wondering tonight exactly what it is that keeps us together. Logically, it is that we both choose, I know. But WHY do we choose??? I wonder...

Hi, Frozen.

Thanks for the kind words.

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Tomorrow is our first wedding anniversary.
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Congratulations!!

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I wonder how much progress we have really made in a year.
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Let me tell you in highly technical terms; A WHOLE BUNCH! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I still remember some of your and Patriot's first posts. You have made serious progress. I think you both should be very proud of the progress you have made, progress that can only occur with the right amount of bold determination tempered with humility. Bravo!

Quote:
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Sometimes I really hate being such an emotional creature. It isn't always a lot of fun to FEEL everything so hard, or to define everything in terms of feelings. I really am working hard at some of the things you told me in the past about the difference between fact and feeling and a lot of that directly ties into Distorted Thinking patterns.
==============================

It is very hard work to learn an entirely new way to think. I think you have come very far in a short period of time, and under the stress of a difficult situation at that. The positive side is that what you have learned will help you deal with other serious life issues as they come along.

Quote:
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But WHY do we choose??? I wonder...
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You choose because you have already chosen, and to choose otherwise would not be wise, only wasteful and destructive.

Set your mind on a proper path, and your heart and emotions will follow.

God bless,
Gimble

Okay, our anniversary didn't turn out to be a very good day.

I'm so confused as to what to do with this situation.

We did go to a movie this morning - Pride and Prejudice. Patriot didn't enjoy the movie much. I thought it was good.

I gave him a card and a small gift on the way home. It made him feel guilty and like he was a failure, and he ran out at the last minute and got a card and a small gift, too.

He spent the remainder of the day watching football or on the computer. He later came to me and said that he wanted to spend time with me. He said he wanted to help me put the Christmas lights on the tree, but he seemed distracted by the football game and it was really kind of a one person job. I offered to finish doing it alone, but he insisted on doing it. I did appreciate it, as the tree branches were cutting up my hands and arms and he did a nice job.

I cooked dinner and later we ate a small portion of the top of our wedding cake.

We did discuss the anniversary thing. Patriot said that it just wasn't all that important to him. That hurts and it makes me sad that it doesn't matter all that much. It makes me sad that I spent the majority of the day alone.

Hi, Frozen.

Did Patriot understand how important the day was to you?

My wife and I forget our anniversary most years. Really. We just aren't big "special day" type of people. There is nothing at all wrong with having days you celebrate, but it is something that you should discuss with your husband. Knowing what days are important to you, and what you expect on that day ,or not, is definitely information he needs to know. If anniversaries and Valentines day and birthdays are all very important to you, then you should let Patriot know what you like and how you like it. There is no way that he will 'just know'.

We celebrate birthdays a little, Thanksgiving and Christmas are a big deal. Most other days are just days to us. No one gets upset. I like to get a cake and a small gift for my birthday. My wife is less specific about hers. My daughter likes her birthday celebrated about the same as mine.

God bless,
Gimble

I am not a big holiday person. This one was special because it was our first anniversary and because of everything we've been through this year.

Yes, I did tell him it was important to me. He offered to buy me jewelry and I declined. I told him I was way more interested in his time and maybe a little romance.

Towards the end of the day, when he seemed so distant, I tried to talk to him about it. He said he felt like a failure. I asked him if he had even really tried to meet my need. He said no. I asked him why. He said it didn't really matter to him.

I'm really struggling here between fact and emotion. These seem like facts to me that have resulted in emotions on my part. I feel very unimportant to him. This was not a lack of communication on my part. How do I derive from his actions that I am important to him?

Also, before today he said that our first anniversary was important to him, too. I am very confused.

Hi, Frozen.

Did you see the original Dr. Dolittle movie? If so, do you remember the Pushme-Pullyou creature?

Do you see any corollary to your marriage?

What do you think you and Patriot could do to minimize that effect in your relationship?

God bless,
Gimble

No, I didn't see that one, so I'm not seeing the corollary.

I really think I'm doing what I can, here. I try to give him his space. I am working very hard at elmininating LB's and I have had extensive conversations with him about the most effective ways I can meet his needs.

I feel like the best gift I can give him on any given day is just to leave him alone.

I'm really trying to avoid Distorted Thinking. Is it unrealistic to expect to see some evidence of his words aligning with his actions? Is it crazy to want to see some initiative or action on his part that I am important to him, other than the simple fact that he is here?

No, it is not distorted thinking. However, is it possible that Pat saw yesterday (happy belated anniversary) as a reminder of how he failed you?

Who knows?

I can't guess what's in his brain. All I know is what he told me...that it wasn't that important to him and the reason was because he was lazy (that's what he said).

I did not see yesterday as a reminder of how I failed her.

She does not like surprises. I am OCD about money. I freeze like a deer in the headlights when I have to 'think' of something to do for her. I spend too much time wondering what to do so she will be happy, but not do it 'fake'. I harbor resentment towards her for LBing me. Having said that, I completely understand why she did it. I understand why ANY bs would do it all the time. As I explained to froz last night, though, I completely understand the enemy killing me on the battlefield, but I certainly am pissed that he did. She is not to be ridiculed for LBing me. I must be honest a say that I have resentment for her because of the LBs, but it is MY responsibility to forgive her because she has recognized her transgression against me and turns away form it. She tries so hard for such little payout from me.

I must deal with my resentment issue. That is a large hinderance, I think, for me.

Yesterday was failure via inaction. Indecision. I have made the jump from inaction and indecision to unimportant, as I thought she would. Makes sense to me. If I didn't act or I couldn't decide, then I guess it wasn't all that important to me. That is making a decision for her and doesn't reflect the truth.

She is important to me. Her happiness is important to me. Spending time with her is important to me. I want that time to be enjoyable. Maybe that is my flaw. My mistake right now.

I have been a party to so much unenjoyable time that at the very look of it, I back away and don't know what to do. She wants a strong man and that surely isn't it in action there.

I spend too much time trying to look like the good guy... geez. I just keep making the same mistakes over and over. I am no longer engaged in an A and don't have one even close on the horizon, but I certainly am not strengthening my marriage these days.

I need to change my attitude. I had a train of thought starting this post, but it has changed. I need to change my attitude and stop seeing everything as failure. All I do is try to fight down feelings of failure and inadequacy. She has ful right to her emotions and feelings and she no longer attacks me with it. She is so much further along on her road than I am on mine. But I can catch up.

Talking does me no good here. Why? Because I never do anything. So the only thing you get out of me is how I hurt because of her. Never anything about how I feel. Never anything about what I am doing or not. Just how she is mean.

She is not mean. Emotional, yes. Not mean. Not evil. Where am I going with this....

I don't know.

Action is what I need to do. Meet a need. Not just talk about it.

First off...{{{Patriot}}} I do believe it is natural for you to be in different places in your recovery process. Good for you for coming to the realization that you need to change. That is the first step. Have you ever counseled with Harley? If not, perhaps the best anniversary gift you could give Froz is to set up an appt.

I actually think counseling with SH on the specifics of today would be very productive. There is the "tools for dealing with infidelity" side of MB, and then there is the 'Make your marraige better" side of MB. I would like to start looking at the latter. That does not mean I want to forget the former...

Last night was great.

Patriot sat and talked with me about a variety of things, to include meeting my needs.

Our discussion got emotional (I mean I did) a couple of times, but I loved the way Patriot kept us on track. I like it when he is firm, but honest. In the past he has often been too flexible, which sometimes can seem wishy-washy. I like it when he is decisive about what he wants, thinks, and feels, even when that decision is that he doesn't know. I love his honesty. I like the way he has learned to deliver it - open, but still caring.

I often deliver my honesty with an edge of brutality to it. I would like to learn to do it more like Patriot. A balance is good.

We talked about Patriot's resentment towards me for LB'ing him. I tried to justify it and in doing so I was attempting to take away his right to his own feelings. I liked the gentle way he reminded me.

When we communicate, I love the way we do it. It is quite often very funny, even during the more serious moments. We find something funny about almost everything. It feels like our own inside joke and I like it. I especially like when he laughs at something I say when I don't know I'm being funny, or when I'm being sarcastic and it amuses him. When I do that, he kind of tips his head back and laughs really hard and really long. I love it when he does that. It's one of my favorite moments about him.

We both have a very sarcastic sense of humor. I like that, too. Of course, sarcasm can be a double-edged sword.

Speaking of swords, Patriot laughed at me last night when I compared his A, and my LB'ing reaction to it to someone sneaking up behind their best friend and stabbing them clean through with a sword, like a shish-ka-bob to someone screaming irrationally while waving a butter knife.

I'm not sure why he thought that was so funny. He said it was a sharp butter knife. I told him it was plastic.

It wasn't plastic. I know some of the things I have said have hurt him very much. I know that my tongue is often razor sharp. He seems to think it makes it worse that my intent was to hurt him. It does. It is cruel to hurt someone you love out of your own pain. It is indeed a very cruel way to respond.

It isn't fair of me to think of it as a butter knife when it feels so sharp to him. I will just listen when he tells me it hurts and continue to refrain from doing it.

I feel very grateful this morning. I feel grateful that we still have love for each other, despite what we each have done in our attempts to destroy it. I am grateful that I have a husband who is kind and caring and desires to meet my needs. I'm grateful that he finds my sarcasm humorous. I'm grateful that he likes me. I am grateful that he wants me. I am filled up with gratefulness that he continues to choose me.

Also, we are planning a do-over on our anniversary. I am very excited about a day to just enjoy each other because I think our being married for a year is something to celebrate. I feel like celebrating our marriage.

It doesn't matter to me that we didn't do it on the actual day of our anniversary. It will still feel like a celebration, just like it still feels like Christmas even though we celebrate it on Christmas Eve.

I love our traditions and rituals. Speaking of celebrating...Patriot, do you remember how we celebrate paying off a debt? Do we have any debts that are to be paid off soon? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I purchased the book that you recommended yesterday...Safe Haven Marriage. I perused the jacket and the table of contents and it looks very interesting and also very applicable. I'm hoping that Patriot and I can read it together. Thanks for the tip!

Things are still good on the homefront. I do believe this is the longest stretch of "good" we've had thus far. I think sometimes we wait for the other shoe to drop during these times.

My hope is that these stretches will last longer and become the rule, rather than the exception as we learn more strategies and ways of dealing and communicating with each other and learn to actually apply them. That has been the difficult part...learning to apply them.

I found it easy enough, in the beginning to understand the concept of what a lovebuster was. It hasn't been as easy to recognize the ways that I withdraw love units and to identify exactly when I was doing it.

I have been thinking more and more about some of my behavior. I never realized just how much I was harming those that I love with my behavior. I thought I was the only one I was hurting. I want to learn to care for other people. I want to learn to truly care for myself.