Thought it would be a good time to bump this thread again.

Bump for tdr!

^^^Bump for newcomers^^^

I am a BS, I read this thread a few days after d-day.
You all know how my brain cells were at the time, I though it was interesting and that I should read it later on, at the moment I was just too much in shock for this.

Unfortunetely I didn't even bookmarked, and have been searching for it for 2 weeks now.

And Yes, after the anger stage I need this reinforcements to stand up by myself.

So as a BS, thank you Suzet for this post.

Willow

Suzet, thanks for sharing. I like some of Dr Dyer's work, but I'm still very new to him. I listened to a presentation of His called, The Power of Intention . I found it very helpful just as I do this exerpt.

bumping for newcomers

[color:"purple"] yes.... this goodie goes back to the top [/color]

Found this, thought it needed a ^bump^.

Thanks Lovebumper for busting this post...


I missed it all the other times it was bumped.

I immediately saw two things about my own fears and weaknesses directly involved with my W's A.

1) Prior to the A, I did dwell in fear in so many ways. I knew the OM before the A and was intimidated by him. I believe my W lost respect for me and I became unattractive to her.

2) I believe the OM recognized my fear and lowered self-value. I believe that I allowed myself to be a victim which made it easier for him to intrude and attack my family. The old bully picks on the weak idea. He felt ok to invade because I behaved weak. If I was stronger, he might have found it more difficult to feel ok to intrude.

No... not putting blame for their actions on myself... but understanding how my actions tie in and left my family vulnerable rather than protected.

Thanks Suzet for originally writing this thread... awesome.

Shaden

Ok, I am not sure that this question belongs on this thread but here goes:

My H had an EA for 4 weeks in March 06. It involved an old HS girlfriend. He e-mailed her, talked to her on the phone rather intensely for the period of the EA. He told me he had contacted her through a HS class website and mentioned to me once a little info about her--implying they had corresponded a couple times. Then, when she told him she was coming through town, he lied to me about his schedule in order to go have a private, secret meeting with her. He apparently got a little bit of a weird feeling by the end of their meeting and because she seemed to expect more from him, he brought her home to meet me and the kids pretending that he had simply "run into her".

We have had a pretty good marriage, ups and downs as most marriages have had. However, I felt we were on an upswing and that we were doing really well as a family and a couple. I felt I was being a better wife and mother than I ever had been. So this whole deal once I figured things out really shocked me and scared me.

We have been working on recovery. We have read questionnaires, I have explained to him very explicitly my emotional needs. He has describe his needs to me.

I feel and he agrees that I have been working hard at meeting his needs and have been working on the marriage. I just feel that there are Key areas of my emotional needs that he has not met, even though I have been very clear about them. I have also given him suggestions on how he can keep track of my ENs to make sure he is doing what he needs to do.

I just don't think he has taken me seriously. I find myself in the same place that I remember being when we were younger: hopefull that he will meet emotional needs, waiting, making excuses in my mind as to why he isn't, giving him helpful suggestions, reminding him about them, etc, etc.

I feel like I am enabling him. He relies on me to harp on him or to remind him--not just about my ENs but about other aspects of our family life.

I feel this is how he got caught up in the fantasy world of the EA to begin with: If there is something else I should be doing, Lake will remind me. I am doing my family work, completed it, now I can go on-line and have some fun with OW. After all, it is not physical, just fun and everything else is completed (family tasks) so why shouldn't I have fun reliving my youth?

Well, I am tired of hoping he will do the basic things I have asked him to do that will help me heal. I don't want to anticipate or hope any longer.

Is there such a thing as a plan B in these situations? I mean just separating myself from him emotionally and let him know that he is now on his own and is expected to think for himself about how he is going to follow through on the basic things I have requested of him?

The basic things I have asked him to do that he is not doing are: writing notes of love to me daily, at least a few a day and finding ways to have a s*xual interaction outside of the bedroom. I mean fun things like asking me what I am wearing underneath my clothes or touching me when no one else is around--just s*xual type behavior outside of the bedroom.

For me, the notes are a way of making atonement to me for the planful way he set out to lie to me and hide things from me in his EA. The other part is just something I have wanted for a long time in our relationship that I have asked for in the past and tried to encourage but have not gotten much from him.

These things seem simple to me and he says he wants to do them but he seems to only write a note to me a few times a week, especially if he sees that I am thinking about the EA and his lies. He doesn't do the other one I mentioned really much at all. He says he wants to and he is a literary type guy and he finds me very attractive and I wear attractive clothing for him and have a nice wardrobe of clothes for times when we are alone or "dating".

Bottom line, Is there such a thing as a plan B, separating emotionally in order to draw the line and say, listen, take my needs seriously?
Lake

^^^

Lake,

You may want to go and read His needs/Her needs by Dr Harley.

You want him to fit into your mold of meeting your EN, when in reality he can meet your EN but it may be with his method. Different path, same goal.

Call Steve or Jennifer for some IC or MC and a plan.

As to your question, can you plan B? Yes you can but should you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Had a thought after reading the original post (very nice, BTW).

I now recognize how I acted nearly exclusively out of fear...prior to all of this. Even after d-day, I lacked the courage (maybe even the ability, due to lack of experience) to act from a place of strength.

As I read the post, I thought...I never consciously CHOSE to act from a place of strength. I feel like I was FORCED to. And lo and behold, I survived it. It was only then that I began to recognize my strength. The a-ha moment: Wow! Who knew? I could survive THAT? Gee, what else can I do?

Now (and I'm still learning, because it's hard to un-do 38 years of fear), I will act from a place of strength.

(notice it's "will" not "can," thank you IC)

I just wanted to point out that for me, it didn't feel like a choice at all. What's the quote about greatness? Some people are great, others have greatness thrust upon them? Did I have strength thrust upon me?

My IC would tell me it WAS a choice (he always wants me to take responsibility). He would say that I COULD have curled up and never FELT anything again, closed up like clam. I only half believe him, because as a mom, survival is sort of instinctive.

I wonder if other BSs feel the same?

Just sharing.

^Bump^