My stepson seems to hate both his parents. WH?/STBX? abandoned him the first time when he was young, then again when he abandoned me while stepson was living with us. ("I never thought my father would do this to me twice," he said.) WH?/STBX? left us a few weeks before SS's high school graduation.

Fast forward two years or so. He is living alone, about 45 minutes away. He is waiting tables, and has steadily dropped courses from the community college he is supposed to be attending. He seems to be without purpose.

My D (17yo) just spent time with him over the weekend. She was scared and teary explaining to me her concerns about him. He is driving an unregistered vehicle without insurance (I just learned this tonight), and has collected tickets, which he is ignoring. He says it wouldn't be so bad to go to jail. Dishes are piling up in his apt., which D says is a mess. This isn't like him, and is perhaps the most worrying sign because he was always so tidy.

His mother is recovering from cancer -- she's doing well. SS is perhaps the least-favored of the three sons. At least he feels this way; it may be true. His mother has been a dear friend of mine, but dotty and abstracted in many ways. She herself lost her mother at 4 yo to cancer. Maybe some bonding issues; I don't know. Certainly she had a hard time raising 3 boys virtually alone. The kids don't seem close to her -- and even farther away from him.

WH?/STBX? is of course in his self-centered fog. He saw SS briefly a few weeks ago, when he learned that SS was performing in a play. Prior to that, I believe he hadn't seen him except for a few hours over the Christmas holidays. SS not only dislikes his dad, he seems to dislike OW. Don't know of anyone who likes her (I haven't, for example, heard anyone say, "Oh, she's not so bad once you get to know her." Everyone seems to avoid her after a few initial encounters. She's a bit "teched," as they say.) I expect WH?/STBX?, who is in heavy denial about his sitch and his emotions, is in deep doo-doo with his R. But he has a lot of support, and can keep going this way for some time. It means, however, that there is no extra energy for his son. Or interest. His relationship with his sons has always bordered on cloud-bound neglect; he thrives on admiration, and craves attention too much to successfully give much to others. He is heavily enabled.

So what do I do? D and I have him to dinner once a week. We call him, and keep in touch with him. D adores him as the only brother she has ever had. He considers us the most family he's ever had, and has said so. But I don't know what I can do to help. I can't afford to bail him out financially, even if he would take it. It's hard to have a heart-to-heart with him; he's a 20 year old young man, after all. He opens up to D.

I believe he is receiving nothing financially from either of his parents, though I don't know for sure. I'm hesitant to bring his mother into the situation, since she's part of the problem in ways I don't know, except that she's kind of an odd person generally -- she can be prickly. I don't speak to his dad at all. Besides, it's kind of queer that his parents aren't concerned already.

He's a great kid. Kind and good ... but angry deep down, I think. D says he is determined to be independent, and won't take anything from anyone. But he is increasingly alone, and she is scared that he's going nowhere. So am I, of course.

But I don't know what to do. I've struggled to stay here, in a hostile environment, to provide a home for SS and D -- a stable place where they can be loved. I have stretched and endangered myself financially to do so.

When D graduates next June, I very much hope to leave the area. I'd love to take SS with us, but D says that might be even worse. But what's he going to do? His friends are moving away, and he's got nothing jobs here. Moreover, I'm concerned about the present, even more than the future.

What can we do now?

Reassure him of your and D's love and support. Make a family. Tell him you need his support also. Bond together. I'll bet you will all be better off for it.

As for moving away, sounds like a good idea for all 3 of you. Wanna come over here? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I got good news to share.....and it ain't cuz I got a good deal on my car insurance. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

New job for you? I had a feeling...

We do those things, Orchid. We have tried to make a family. I guess we've succeeded. Like most 20-yo guys, he doesn't express his feelings, which makes D a bit insecure, but I have no wish to force things with him. He is part of us.

But somehow it's still not enough. It's not enough to pull him out of whatever abyss D senses he is falling into. (Not that I don't sense it, too, but D senses it more poignantly. Right now, since D blew her finals, I'm wondering how we're going to get HER into a good college.) We want to help, but we feel helpless.

I'd love to come to Hawaii! But this side of the Pacific is more likely. D doesn't think we can persuade him to come with us, but we'll see. He doesn't have a plan, and seems to hate himself.

P.S. Mimi, Pepper, Aphelion et al. I loaned him my copy of Peck's book. It seemed right. I hope it helps him. He sounds like one of the kids in it.

AAM,

God Bless you for caring so much for your stepson.

IMVHO, I would amp up the contact, etc, with him, tell him how worthy he is, talk about other options. Being a server can be very lucrative, but if you do it for many years, as I have, it really does take a physical toll. I know it kicksmy butt, it is hard to to much else when you have long hours at this occupation.

It is nice to have that money, but customer service can take a toll on a person. LOL.

That bein said, he needs to look to the future. Perhaps he can finance himself to further his education. What else does he like to do? What are his dreams? Please encourage him. Maybe go over and do the dishes. Have a clean up party and nice dinner after with him. Support him. He is working hard and doesn't have many elders to guide him.

It is important (regardless of what they say) for a 20 yo to get love and support from those who love him.I believe that it will mean more to him than you will ever know if you and DD be part of his life (as you have been) and support him all you can. Love is love. He knows you love him, and this is good.

This is apart from the chaos that is going on with his dad, and his Mom has a lot on her plate with the cancer and all. That is a tough one, for sure.

God Bless you AAM, you are such a worthy person.

Ahhh, I do go on sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

If it is in your heart, and your DD's heart to be there for him and show him love and guidance, then so be it.

You are the best aam, I love your kind heart.

God Bless and prayers.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks, Miss M.

Sorry my post was so long.

If he had any directions or interests, we could support them. Unfortunately, he seems to feel frustrated and confused by too many choices, and his inability to enact any of them. We could talk about university if he expressed any kind of a real interest. But he's fighting to tread water, and feels alone and abandoned. He has a lot of self-loathing. So does his dad, in a better-concealed way.

Peck fans: I could really see his parents getting him the gun for Christmas. His dad, anyway, is that compartmentalized.

It sounds like he may be depressed or at least overwhelmed. Registering and completing all the paperwork can be so much of a hassle even before college classes begin. Even some of the smaller community colleges offer free career counseling. Also, he may qualify for financial aid. The info is available but you may have to call 3-4 people and ask 20 questions at the college. Ask him if he needs help with any of this. I don't think my SS could get registered if I didn't help him. You're going to need some of this info for your daughter anyway. Keep up your emotional support. He needs that more than money right now. You may even want to ask him to help you with your D, so that he feels needed.

Thanks, FB, this sounds good.

Just mentioned this to D. She said, "It sounds good, but it's another thing trying to get him to do it. He'll just get angry that you are trying to interfere with his life."

Probably true, but it's a direction nonetheless.