Why have you continued in your M for so long? Have you set out with a certain timeframe that you are giving your WW? Is it that you make excuses for her? Or, do you just not believe in D? I am curious bc my H gave up on me.

aao:

Hi!

"Why have you continued in your M for so long?"

Well, probably because we've been married for so long (almost 30 years now). For much of the past 3.5+ years since d-day, I also claimed that our life si2ation was 2 complicated 2 just split our assets (we live in a historic home that we've been rebuilding since a major fire just 3 months before d-day). But that's no longer the case. Really, I needed 2 get myself 2 an emotionally healthy state of mind where I would not only survive, but thrive no matter what my W chose 2 do. I finally managed 2 accomplish that just in the last 2ple of months, and it's made all the difference in how we work 2gether.

"Have you set out with a certain timeframe that you are giving your WW?"

Pretty much, we've agreed on one recently. It goes back 2 our first MC session over 3 years ago, where my W offered "let's take things a day at a time and see where we are on our 30th anniversary. Maybe we'll want 2 renew our vows then." At the time, I thought it was absurd (nearly 4 year "timeline"), but when I reminded her of that convo a couple weeks ago, she said "I think we do need 2 do something like that." And I agreed. So, this December is 30 years.

"Is it that you make excuses for her?"

I probably have done that in the past, but not recently. For a longer time, I made my own excuses. Now I don't really care, because I think I understand the difference between making excuses for poor choices (or inability 2 make healthy choices) and understanding the reasons for those choices. Now, it doesn't matter what she does, but what I believe is right for me 2 do.

"Or, do you just not believe in D?"

Well, I'm not religious, so I could DV if I feel I have 2.

"I am curious bc my H gave up on me."

I guess I'm not familiar with your story. Are you the WS or the BS?

I hope some of my answers are helpful.

-ol' 2long

I guess that I am both. I am not savvy with posting links but I would love for you to read my old posts.
Do you still have friends? B/c my experience is that once my H started confiding in people, they all said GET OUT OF THE M! I think it is sad bc I think that we did have hope. Now he is so self righteous, I can't stand him.
How were you able to learn to respect yourself and to become a BETTER person? Do you feel you are a victim? My H definitely convinced himself that he is. Its just sad. And, all of our lives will be forever changed for it. Even if I remarry, it will never be the same. I watched my parents struggle for so long, and they have been M now for 36 years. They are happy now and so are we kids, because despite the pain WE All went through, they endured and our family endured. No other family would ever be close to being like it.

I've found that most of my friends have been pretty supportive - those that know the whole story, that is. Yep, I did get those "get out" messages, but I also got understanding ones from the same people once they saw how hard I want 2 do the right thing (whatever that 2rns out 2 be).

I needed 2 learn 2 respect myself and be able 2 be alone without being lonely, if that's what ends up happening. It 2k a long time for me 2 get there, but I think I have. Key is NOT falling victim 2 being a victim. Not wallowing in self-pity and drama. Sadly, you can't make your H stop doing those things, he has 2 want 2 for his own well-being.

-ol' 2long

You are right and I respect you. I hope that your W will see what she has in you. YOur coping skills are much better than most. It is interesting to me how many BS end up having As themselves--another poor coping mechanism! Obviously, this forum has helped you, but you are not religious. What else has helped you? Have you resorted to any other poor coping mechanisms--ie. drinking, EAs, whatever? So much can be learned from you, I think.

aao:

"Obviously, this forum has helped you, but you are not religious."

I used 2 think I was an atheist, but I'm not. So, I invented the term "atheologist". I believe I'm very spiri2al.

"What else has helped you?"

Well, we're not supposed 2 "advertise" other websites, but since it isn't a "competitor" 2 MB: www dot iloveulove dot com. I'm Qfwfq over there.

"Have you resorted to any other poor coping mechanisms--ie. drinking, EAs, whatever?"

Probably, but nothing serious like an affair. My W complained a 2ple of times about my drinking beer on the weekends while working on the house, but when I offered 2 quit if she'd go NC, she 2rned me down. I still drink beer on the weekends, but not a lot. I think it was more a point of focus-shifting than a real problem. But my offer still stands. I build my own telescopes and like fiddling with them. At various times in the past that hobby has been a sore point with her - I have spent 2 much time on it and not enough with her, but not recently. Definitely not since d-day, though I have had 2 watch myself.

"So much can be learned from you, I think. "

Well, it's nice 2 know I serve some purpose! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Clearly, you serve a huge purpose for your W bc she has stayed with you. What I mean is, what are your coping mechanisms? How have you kept from "sinking to your WW's level?" Do you think that maybe it is bc you were older and less naive? I was very naive and I was so quick to sink to my Hs level. I love your quote at the bottom of your posts bc I know that I am so much wiser than I once was. I know that I am still learning, and this particular journey is far from over for me--I guess you too!