After reading a bit on here and divorce busters about 180, I have a couple of questions as to how it pertains to my relationship.

Synopsis of relationship. Together 5yrs. He had a drinking problem when we met, we overcame that until about a few months ago when he got depressed and started drinking heavily. I had him leave the house two months ago for a cool off period and instead he went back to the bar, met some woman up there and has been staying with her since then.

In our relationship, I was the caretaker. His friends and family told me I was his "Light in Shining Armour." I was everything he wanted in life and everything he wanted to be. We were very happy during our years together.

So now he has been with her about 2mos. He's lost everything he has worked so hard for. His friends he has let down and has turned their backs on them and me. He's in the process of hitting rock bottom. He doesn't have a key to OW house that he is staying in. He is drinking from the moment he wakes up til he passes out. He's given up.

Since he looked to me as his light...is this where the NC comes in? I did everything for him..and I mean everything. I was the queen of enablers so to speak. Or do I step in and show him that there is still love there for him. Not make his car payment for him of course, but at least help him do his resume (they have no computer there and he has no money to go and buy/rent one). We were in the process of a new business venture with some friends and honestly I really need him...do I extend the offer to him? I know that OW is doing her best to make me look horrible but if I show that despite it all I am still "loving and caring" does this also work?

Thoughts and honesty, please...

Maybe you could thru a friend let him know you still love him.Let him know if he is willing to get help for his drinking there might be a chance for you two.
The NC is usually for the one who cheated not to have contact with the other person.
Maybe he thinks he turned into this monster and you don't want him.What can it hurt to let him know you want to help.
Sorry i can't be of much help
#1mom

I wouldn't waste 2 seconds in Plan A or 180 on an alcoholic. It doesn't work and gives them no motivation to get help for themselves. As long as you are around he can continue on his destructive path because he knows you will be there to pick him up. They won't respond except to find new opportunities for exploitation. An alcholic only cares that you "love" him in the sense that it presents new opportunities for him to use you.

What works the best is to remove yourself from the insanity so that your WS can crash faster. The faster he crashes, the faster he will be motivated to get help. You are his last thread to the real world of sanity and once that is removed, he will likely go down. He won't like not having you around to enable him. And just maybe that will give you some leverage to be able to motivate him to sober up and get into AA.

The 180 gives you no leverage at all to motivate him to sober up and get help for his drinking.

Thanks you N1Mom, I appreciate your post. All I know is that right now he is still furious with me and our friends. So perhaps it is best to leave him alone and let him come around if he does on his own time.

So confusing and heartbreaking.

Sadie, are in Alanon?

Yes, I have been to Alanon and also seeing a counselor that specializes in addictions and works with the families of addicts. I've also been reading and reading every book that I can get my hands on.

I can say that the one thing that is positive about this is that he saw the whole rehab as a wakeup call. But he of course blames me for it along with our friends. He wants nothing to do with any of us right now. I agree that you are correct there is nothing that we can do right now but let him be and crash. He has a new enabler now to help him crash. Crashing he definitely is. I guess it just hurts because I am so used to picking up the pieces for him and now he doesn't care about anything anymore. He doesn't care that they are coming for the car tomorrow. He doesn't care about his business that he lost. Breaks my heart because there is nothing that I can do but let him crash. I just don't understand how OW can sit back and let all this happen. But I know that she's an alcoholic too so who knows what her thought process is.

I just want him to know that I do love him and that it was all done out of love. But there is no way to get through to him right now.

Sadie, that message can conveyed in a Plan B letter, along with a stipulation that he stop drinkng in order to come back.

ssadie,

If you have no contact with him, what impact would have on him ?. Would it show that you don't care ?. ML is correct, you can't plan A or 180 degrees w/ addict however you can't go into plan B either. Actually "tough love" is work best for addict.

Take care of your business and don't expect you could get through to him at this point. He has to figure it out himself.

-rh-

At this point, nothing you can do will help your marriage.
Don't try to Plan A and don't try to Plan B.
He is not concerned about anything except his drinking.
"he doesn't care about anything anymore. He doesn't care that they are coming for the car tomorrow. He doesn't care about his business that he lost"

I can say that the one thing that is positive about this is that he saw the whole rehab as a wakeup call.
What rehab? And how is/was it a wakeup call if he is still drinking?

But he of course blames me for it along with our friends
Then it was not a wake-up call. This would happen when he actually sees that it is HIS problem, not something created by those around him. Yeah, he would probably be still ticked off but more in a general way because of allthe crap he is going thru.

redhat, I think Plan B would be just perfect in her situation. She would be cutting off contact and removing herself from the situation. She could also clearly lay out a path back. I think that is the kind of tough love he needs.

The NC is HIS choice at this point. He feels betrayed at all of us for having him turned into the rehab. He cannot believe that I, nor any of us his friends would ever do that. He wants nothing to do with us. He's chosen to stay where he is. It's me that is having a tough time here letting go when I know that he is making a mistake. But there is nothing I can do when he feels betrayed. He has been pushed away further into arms of OW. She is feeding on all this and she looks great while I and his friends look like evil reincarntated to both their eyes right now.

The wake up call he says is that he saw all of us for our true colors. For the true people that we were in hurting and betraying him and for turning our backs on him. This is what he meant when clarified by the person who talked to him yesterday. His motivation right now is anger and betrayal. There is no way to talk to him right now. He wants nothing to do with anyone but OW because they are feeding on one another. I have to agree with Melody that Plan B is the only way that all of us can move forward and let things take their natural course. If his happiness is with her and the bottle...that is not something I can compete with nor do I want to. This is not the man I know nor love. He is a stranger. I just wish I could have the old love back.

Chris

They are not married.

This is a live-in situation.

Even harder for anything to be done about it then...

Just lingo clarification. Plan B requires plan A and plan B letter and plan B logistic (intermidiary person). What he is doing is NC.

Just a thought for you to bring home. Why he does NC to you?. Angry/hurt ? make you to leave him alone ?. Yes it is easier to follow his wish and let him crash ... however are you sure that he would run to you and not away from you again?.

-rh-

This is my dilemma. I've always picked up the pieces for him. Now he has no one and thus is where he is at today, losing everything.

He was hurt because I made him leave that night. He never thought I would do it. I had to do it, for him, for me and for my daughter. I may not have handled the situation correctly in hindsight, but it is something that I felt at the time I had to do.

Everything he has done to me/us has been out of hurt and anger. He tried to get to my inner core because for so long it worked. But with the help of my therapist I was able to see and correct my actions and show him that I was capable of moving forward. Thus why he went back to the bar that night and got picked up by OW. He knew that would get to me because that is not him. Everytime he saw that I was okay with everything was when things went south. He'd get beligerant, angry etc. I think deep down he thought he was teaching me a lesson. He told me that initially that I was going to have to live with what I had done.

But I think in the end it backfired on him and now he doesn't know what to do. He's trapped. He thought all our friends would side with him and instead they tried to help him see things differently and when they didn't agree with him on not seeing me anymore, he got angry.

OW has been there to reassure him that I am evil and that I don't have his best intentions at heart. But I do. He's blinded by the alcohol and her. My therapist is convinced that she is not any issue right now, but is a safety blanket and the result of his drinking because she is enabling it and trapping him at the house feeding him alcohol all day and he has no keys so he can not leave the house unless she is there. But the drama has gotten so out of hand, I am at a loss on where to go from here. So much damage has been done. But as he told me a week ago, he still loved me.

He feels betrayed at all of us for having him turned into the rehab.
???
Is he in rehab or is he living with another woman?

This site is called Marriage Building. We deal with affairs in a effort to restore commitment and rebuild marriages.

This makes MB concepts not totally applicable in your situation. We see it so frequently on these boards where individuals want to save a relationship with a live-in using MB techniques.

The entire problem I see in these/your situation is that there was no marriage. There was a lack of commitment from the get-go.

Maybe this is something you should examine.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Lisa ... I assume you want him still otherwise you won't be here. I would be frank to you, givin NC would seem to him is another betrayal ... you are not there when he needs you the most and you are evil/have not have his interest at heart.

This drunken sailor is in the roughest storm and tracherous<sp> water in his life. He needs to bring his ship to safe shore. No one could reach him and only him could guide his vessel. The only hope he has is seeing a light house ... a light to guide him to safe shore. Without it, he knows deep inside he is doom. He is alone, no one could help him, he doesn't want to bring his love one to this storm and he is desparate.

You are his light, his light house. He is in the roughest storm in his life and you can't turn you light out !. You need to assure him that if he is willing there is a shore to land, a safe one to bring his vessel (his life) in order.

However you are only a lighthouse, giving hope not enabeling and you only could shine him with love not helping him.

Make sure you get an alanon sponsor and keep that MC to help you out falling as enabler.

There is no one would fault you if you plan to move on. Yes, NC would be appropriate here. Make sure you read my signature.

-rh-

If you love something, set it free ... make sure that it knows there are always love waiting otherwise there is no reason for it to come back.

redhat, the problem with "being there" for an alcoholic is that it is tantamount to enabling him. He won't view NC as a "betrayal" but as a loss of someone to use. He doesn't want her support, but simply wants to exploit her to further his drinking career. And the longer she is the available to be exploited, the longer he can drink. We are not dealing with a person here with a normal mind.

Her enabling him is part of the reason that he has likely got this far in his drinking career. As long as he knows she is there on the sidelines, he can continue his escapades for much longer. By withdrawing her support and removing herself from the situation, she gives him a much needed shock and allows herself to resume a somewhat normal life.

The kindest, most compassionate thing she can do for him is to remove herself from this drama and move out of the way of his freefall. It doesn't matter how he views this, because his mind is extremely warped right now.