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#1452585 08/16/05 08:14 AM
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My wife and I have been seperated for about the past 3 months now, and last night I went over to talk to her, because I could tell that she was stressed out with our current financial situation, and the fact that she wanted to seperate all of our expenses. My aim for talking to her was to tell her that I needed her to communicate with more, and that I would be there for her. One thing led to another as they always seem to in these conversations, and we started talking about deeper relationship things. At one point I asked her if she still loved me. She said she didn't think so! I am beside myself now, I have no idea what to do, and she seems so resigned in the situation. I can't lose this woman, I still love her more than anything else, and I can't seem to make things right. What should I do? I told her that we should work on the getting things back on track with finances etc. etc. and see where that leaves us,(she said it was those types of things that ate away at the love). I really am lost here and have no idea what the best course of action is. I just know that I can't live without her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

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"I can't lose this woman,"

I don't think you understand that you don't have much of a choice. If she says no, that's it. You can't make things right because whe isn't going to allow it. Will this ever change? You would know better than us, but the odds are not in your favor.

Right now, perhaps the best course of action is to seperate the finances and let her financially fend for herself. This is a tough love approach. My ex-wife was very "stressed out" by the financial mess she created by leaving me and trying to maintain a lifestyle far beyond her means. During the first year of divorce, I got the calls just as you do, and was her knight in shining armor, always coming to her rescue with an infusion of cash (about $15,000 in all). I realized that I was being manipulated and that my behavior was enabling her to live in a fantasy world. If she wanted to be divorced, she had to bear the hardship of her choice alone. So the cash stopped and the only answer I would give to her calls about financial woes was "Dear, you made this bed and now you must sleep in it. You made your choice." The manipulation stopped.

The difference between your situation and mine is that you and your wife are merely separated. She may come to see that working on the problems in your marriage is preferrable to trying and that this divorce stuff isn't all it's advertised to be. She probably won't but ultimately, you come out of this stronger.

"she said it was those types of things that ate away at the love"

Is this a case of when the going gets tough, the weak get going? Did she not listen to that part about "for richer for poorer, for better or worse?" Sorry, that dog won't hunt.

"I just know that I can't live without her."

Yes, you can; you just don't want to see this right now. You did before and you will again.

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Checkurheart,
Thanks for the advice. The crux of the situation here is a case of generalized anxiety that always made me afraid to take on a lot of the responsibility. This included dealing with the finances, and the cars and the house. She claims that this stuff is a big part of why she doesn't love me anymore. Another part is the tension that was always around me. I was struggling to remain in a safe place with the anxiety and a lot of times I was irritable because of my nervousness, and I think she saw that as me being a mean person who did not love her. I will never deny that I played a role in the cause of this seperation, but at this point I just can't continue on the path that I was on before. The unfortunate part is that she is a key component to my happiness. And not just for the safety factor, but because I love her for who she is.

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Any other POV?

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RavensDream,

I don't think you are here looking to be told "Too Bad, Live with it" but I do agree that the odds are not in your favor.

What I see as a problem is that you do not want to loose her and in the process, you may be loosing you.

I suggest working on becoming more of yourself and being a more finacialy responsible, secure person and let her see it.

You can tell her anything you want and offer to do anything she wants but it will never make as much of a difference as you doing what you need to do and let her just see it for herself.

There is something about you that she loved enough to marry, and you know part of what ate that away. Fix what ate it away. Don't say you will, don't tell her you will, just do it and let her see it for herself.

I think this could be a good first step for you

Good Luck

WIWH


Don't pick the scabs or you will never heal
Marilyn Manson

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