My wife and I have been having problems for a couple of years at least. We have gone to a counselor, but I feel we have not followed through with the counseling. She says she is done being unhappy and will not even try to address any issues. She has told me point blank that she does not love me any more. I think she is saying that to hurt me and push me away. We have one child together and a daughter from her first marriage. I'm not sure what to do at this point. She said she would go to our counselor to make the break up easier, but not for any other reason. I have an appointment and the counselor their is not much that can be done. I believe there are other problems that have not been addressed. She keeps talking about being happy but can't say what makes her happy, just that I make her unhappy. We are both in the military and have been deploy, but the problems started prior to being deployed. I believe that the deployments did make the situation worse. What do I do next?

You sure there isn't someone else?

In any case, if she's willing to go to anycounseling, regardless of the reason, I'd take her up on it.

How do I trust at this point? Part of the agreement is that I move out so she can have space. I do believe there have been others, but I thought that is a symptom of our problems. I have asked her but she will not confirm. I don't believe it has been on going, I believe there have been others. I can forgive those if we can move on. I was told I shouldn't move out because of legal reasons, but she says the only way she will go to counseling is if I move out. I really wish I knew what to do. I really want to save my marriage, but can't do anything to get her to open her mind that there still can be something there. After reading the info on this site I believe that we can get back what we had and more. I just don't know how to get her to listen. Any help would be apreciated.

I would not move out.

And her going to counseling will be pointless if she doesn't want to work on the marriage.

If you want to make it work not matter what her indescretions were, then:

Read Plan A, Plan B

On the other hand, realize that sometimes a marriage cannot be saved.

But if you want her then try the plans.

What is Plan A & Plan B. I haven't seen that while reading yet.

You have no compelling reason to move out. If she wants to break up the marriage then let *her* be the one to leave. It would be better for you legally anyway.

Read teh concepts and Q&A links up at the top, which will talk about plan A and B. I am not convinced that you want to implement them yet, but read about them and see.

In the meantime, you insist that the two of you go to counseling before moving out/breaking things up. Eventually something will have to give, make sure it isn't you.

Did you verify the presence or lack of an affair?

If she does move out do I let her take the kids with her? How can I stop her from taking the kids? She has told me many times since she got back (she has been away on a deployment)that she will not try she is done, but her actions don't always match what she says. She has threatened to file for divorce if I didn't move out which is also the condition for her to go to counseling. From everything I have read so far that would not allow us to make any progress in our relationship . I know that I have not met her needs in the past but have been working on improving that but we both end up not doing what we should.

I have not caught her if that is what you are asking. But I have some indications (charges and such). I don't believe it is one person, I think two over the last year and someone different right now.

She is very indifferent right now and we are separated in the house. She comes and goes as she pleases but I still try to tell her where I am going especially when I am taking the kids. I know I am making mistakes, but I am trying not to cause withdrawals from the love bank, but I certainly don't beleive I am making any deposits.

OK, I think you need to take this over to General Questions, or perhaps Just FOund Out.

Your W has no more authority to take your mutual kid than you do. I think you
need to talk to a lawyer. YOu may want to make sure you have money set aside in a separate account, because women are generally told to clean out the money when they leave. So dont' get left high and dry. (I'm not saying take it all, just don't get caught with nothing).

WHen people are in an affair, there are very definite patterns that take place, sometimes referred to as "the fog". The "I'm not in love with you" is common, there are some others.

I encourage you to take this whole discussion to General Questions, because the people there deal with affairs and such on a regular basis, and are in a better position to help you.

To me, it sounds like an affair, if not physical, then emotional. And when spouses are in the "fog", there are specific steps to take, and the people on GQ can help you better, as it is not my area of expertise.

In any case, let her file for the divorce. You have no incentive to file, because you're goign to want to present the argument that it's her leaving you, not you leaving her, even if only to keep favor with your kids.

Anyway. POp over to GQ, and also, talk to an attorney, see what your options are. THe laws are different state to state. And there are 11th hour reconciliations. Sometimes the WS runs to the OP, and then the OP rejects them, and they get it figured out... ALl is not lost, it's just beginning.

Should I Copy and Paste all that is here? Also there is conflict in our relationship. Also she told me that she should have cancelled the wedding. Is that also common?

Also which section of GQ should I post under?

There's only one. General Questions II I think is the full name of the section...


The wedding stuff, I can't answer, w/o more info. I'd cut and paste your original post, and any additional detail, just say somebody suggested I move this to GQ, and then c/p everything in there, and then turn it loose.

Thanks!