Last night we went to a new MC (correct term Marriage Therapist). We liked her, I liked her. The first thing she asked was “what questions do you have for me?” Which I thought was cool. We asked of she was pro-marriage and if she knew about Dr. Harley’s book. She said yes to the pro-marriage but no to the book. She does however recommend another Dr. Harley kinda book. We know there are a lot of books out there and don’t expect her to I know all of them out there.

She told up front her style of counseling, using direct questions, and the use of vocabulary is very important. For example, she wanted to know how I displayed my love to my H… I started with “I try…” and she stopped me right there. This made me feel uneasy because I know I have trouble with that. My H does the same thing to me… stops me during a sentence because I’m not communicating the correct way. So I knew what she was asking, she wanted a direct answer. No hemming and hawing. She told me what I need get out of these sessions is to find out “why” I went outside of the marriage when things got rough, when there were so many different avenues I could have taken. One of them… communicating with my H. She said I’ll have to look deep inside myself… really look at myself, my family, my up-bringing, my past relationships. And you know what? That’s a question that scares me to death. I’m afraid I won’t like what I see, I’m afraid I won’t like myself and who I’ve become. I’m afraid I’ll have all this stored up anger towards my family and won’t know what to do with it. Hopefully she can help with that…

Ya know, we went in there feeling like we were doing “ok” handling things and maybe we shouldn’t even go but it’d probably be a good idea. We knew I have “issues” that need to be addressed. We walked out of there feeling like “Oh man, we have a long way to go”. Once I got in my safe bed at home, I started to get scared, like a little girl. Afraid of opening Pandora’s Box…

I was wondering if anyone out there has had the similar feelings when starting with a MC/IC?
How did you handle/process the “new information”?
Did you act on it?
What did your S do for you or how could your S help you when dealing with these new feelings?

Thanks in advance,
Undo

Oh yes undo it brings back a lot of uneasy memories.

Our MC was also our IC she is a trained Pychiatrist who teaches at uni and does a small private practice & who being a friend & former teacher of my sister agreed to help me, us.

SHe is tough, direct and no nonsense and gets very direct herself when you try to evade a question time after time. But never until she feels you are able to handle it.

I had some significant grief issues from my sons death and this was a big part of my affair while my H was deployed. Thats another set of guilt altogether. So basically I was taken apart and with help put myself back together, no one can do it for you.

You really have to be honest and some things said can hurt you or your H. I had a lot of individual sessions as well where a lot of these things came out.

Its hard undo but worth it.

undo

its very normal, and looking deep is very scary and painful, but trust me - it's awesome to do so so, recognize those things and TRULY change. I discovered that I have a self destructive coping skill that I always have had. When stresses arise, I start to do destructive things, like when I was 16 I cut my hand on purpose to get my parent's attention, when I was 19 I had 2 one night stands...and now, I had an affair...if I had never looked deep to discover this about myself, next time my world fell apart, I would do something again. Now I am learning new coping skills and its great.

H and I have done our self learning journeys seperately, we don't update eachother on it, but support eachother with it. Because both of us had A's - bringing up too much of it causes us to look at the past and hurt instead of continuing to lay down new tools and foundations...so we aren't eachother's confidents for this personal recovery....

I guess, what could YOUR H do for you? Because each person is different. Is it something you want to share with him? Is it something he wants you to share with him?

“””I was wondering if anyone out there has had the similar feelings…..?”””

I went through something similar. The process was a combination of good/bad and back to good.

”””How did you handle/process the “new information”?”””

Like many others I initially processed much of this while in the grips of denial holding much reservation of coming out the other end as a healthy person. But as I slowly opened up my closet, I took each hidden thing out one by one and processed it, one item at a time. Until at least I reached in there and there was nothing left and that was one of the most emotionally rewarding days of my life. I literally felt the weight lifted from my shoulders, I no longer had to carry this crap.

”””Did you act on it?”””

Yes, and what a better understanding I have of myself today because of that. I live life today in a totally different manner without any of those ties that used to bind me. Resentments are a thing of the past because I no longer allow them to fester. Problems are now dealt with quickly and effectively. Life is good.

”””What did your S do for you or how could your S help you when dealing with these new feelings?”””

I wasn’t married when I went through all this. Had I been, there probably wasn’t a lot she could have done other than provided me with safety as I was weaving in and out of various stages of comfort.

The one thing I would warn is that when you go through this is that you do it slowly. Don’t spend obsessive amounts of time delving in the pains of the past, for it is exactly that, painful. When I was going through all this it was recommended that I never spend more than 1.5 hours at a time working on it, and that was plenty.

I can totally relate, undo! Just know that ultimately understanding the whys will help you to feel better. And it will help you to LOVE yourself, which it sounds like you don't. Its pretty hard to love yourself when you are having an A, and that in itself takes a toll on your soul. But, try to think about what your fear is. I think with most of us WS the fear is of: INTIMACY! Intimacy with others and even ourselves! Having an affair is a way of ignoring pain--putting a bandaid on it instead of facing it head on. That is my very unprofessional opinion, and what I am just beginning to learn myself. It is pretty scary to learn to trust someone with our deepest pains. Hopefully, your MC will encourage you not to blame anyone who has hurt you. Facing the hurts head on can help you to understand and to forgive, I think. I wish that I had done it with my H! I did do it with my parents, though. I hope to do it with my H one day....

Thank you all for sharing... It's nice to know I'm not alone.

aussieswife - Thanks for decribing your MT, I guess it's the approach... After talking to Hopeful4Future today I guess I'm a little uneasy about it and it's different than the one I'm seeing now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

LH - Thanks for the suggestions and support. I appreciate it

againstallodds - Thanks for the loving myself again... I needed to hear that I guess. Nice to know that'll be one of the bonuses <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dorry, there was something you wrote a while back... facing yourself will be one of the scariest things you'll have to do... and man, are you right.

Thanks again...
Undo

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