This weekend was unusually tough. I was depressed more than normal, but did a good job of no LB's.

Saturday night we went to a party. My wife did her usual, this are my friends, so I should be able to talk to them while you watch our child. She got mad when I finally came back and said it was her turn. She got over it quickly though.

Sunday we had the neighbors over for dinner, so we spent the day cleaning and cooking. She was happy with how much I helped out.

At the end of the night our daughter fell asleep on the couch. My wife took something to the neighbors and spent the rest of the evening on their patio talking. Since our daughter was asleep on the couch, somebody had to stay inside and watch her. I wouldn't have been so upset, but she didn't even come home to see how I was doing or let me know she was talking.

Monday, my wife went back to work to get her room ready. I checked and the OM was not at the school. She got home and was in a great mood. I held off talking about anything, until around midnight. She was up paying bills, etc. . . . She brought up selling the house.

I told her I needed to talk to her. I said that she would need to file for divorce. That I understand this might be where we are at and/or heading, but that I was having trouble actually filing and signing the papers. I explained that I still do not feel "safe" and that this is due to some of the choices she has made. For the first time, she admitted that she realizes she made some mistakes and didn't handle things very well. She said that she doesn't want a divorce, that she loves me, but doesn't love the way I am behaving. She believes that I need and should trust her now. I told her I want to, but that there has been something new every month, and now we were facing her going back to work with the OM.

She has agreed to NC and to look for another job outside of her school. She still claims that I have over-reacted, that there was no PA and no deep connection between them. This is still a point of concern since she got an STD during the affair and he sent her text messages saying he loved her.

I told her that it was now in her hands. If she is truly committed to our marriage, I am willing to stay, but that I need a commitment. She tried to bring up things that I needed to do, and at the end of the night she asked me to no longer snoop through her purse. I told her that I would respect her wishes, but that this is a concern. I'm concerned as to why she would feel the need for me to not see what is in her purse. She said there wasn't nothing in her purse that I shouldn't see, but that I also seem to find some reason to be upset with her.

How did I do????

The red flags are up, but I do think that she was at some point sticking her head out of the fog. She will most likely stick her head back into the fog once she starts working with the OM.

I think she will be happy as long as you don't hold her accountable and shut up about things.

I would caution you against agreeing to stop snooping on her since she is untrustworthy. She must EARN back trust, she can't demand it. You have an obligation to protect yourself from her and that includes snooping to make sure she isn't harming you.

If she weren't doing anything wrong, she would want to be an open book to PROVE IT.

Dr Harley:

What are the signs of an affair?

Almost everyone denies an affair at first, even when confronted with overpowering evidence. When a woman I counseled broke in on her husband having sex with a neighbor, he tried to convince her that she was having an hallucination.

While seeing your spouse in bed with a lover is sure-fire evidence of an affair, that kind of evidence is usually close to impossible to find. But there are many other less intrusive ways to detect ongoing affairs.

For an unfaithful spouse to engage in an affair without detection, two separate lives must be created, one for the lover and one for the spouse. A certain amount of dishonesty is required in both of them, but the major deception is with the spouse.

So one of the most common clues of an affair is an unwillingness to let a spouse investigate all aspects of life. If two lives are necessary for an affair, and if a spouse is curious enough, the secret second life is relatively easy to discover. Difficulty in getting a spouse to talk about events of the day can be a sign of trying to hide the second life.

One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?

con'd at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Thanks Melody,

I actually brought this story up to my wife after I read it in the book. She just shrugged it off.

I didn't actually agree to quit snooping, I just said that I understood and would respect her privacy. I'm not sure I consider cheating to be a right. I will attempt to give her a little more space, but I will also continue to verify. I have access to her work email, but I noticed that it logs when someone is checking it from the outside.

Also, I probably have the ability to actually check the OM's email, but that's getting into some illegal issues. It would be interesting to see what's in his inbox.

Wife calls daily to let me know where she is at, so she's not a complete alien.

Thanks