Hi. A fws here. 30 days past d-day exactly. Still clearing the fog... so used the A to escape my life as is... not even that "as is" is so bad. Am shocked, depressed, humbled by my BS, scared, moving forward, lonely (which I was before, and used the A to fill in the space), in IC, in MC, overwhelmed, trying to work for happiness, and on and on and on...

Anyway, this site has given me hope for my marriage... something that I think I had lost or chosen to give up before the A. But boy, rebuilding not only my marriage, but my life is daunting. My BS has been unbelievably supportive, even in his own greiving.

The thank you is for the other really brave ww's who post here so honestly (not to take away at all from the bs's)... to see your steps forward, share your fears, (and sometimes fog), etc. is so helpful in getting through this stage. I know it is one foot in front of the other, but it's not like there is a world of people I can share this pain with.

I know I am doing the right things, but the heaviness of it all is hard. (and I know you are going to wonder about NC... he and I worked long distance together, we have had three contacts since d-day (all with bs awareness) two the first week after, leading up to final, severing all contact last week. I will admit, that recent contact did set me back. I had certainly moved "emotionally" further until then. I do avoid all triggers, and call or im my husband when I am "wandering" in my head because I tended to do that a lot during the A).

Anyway, all of you are brave people. I am sorry we are all here because of something so awful, but I admire the honesty, reflection, and intelligence I've found here. I hope to come out the other side of this as wise and grounded as many of you.

welcome working,

You are have come to the right place. Are you and your H in MC, and are you yourself in IC? The Harley's are of course the first choice, but make sure you guys have help from a pro-choice councellor along this path, as it is a long one with many ups and downs!

I am glad you have severed all contact. Did you guys send a NC letter? So that OM knows under NO reason can he contact you?

You have already made the first courageous move and that is choosing your marriage after all that has happened.

If you want, click on the link in my signature - it's a guide just for Wayward Wives. Maybe it can help you!

Thanks Dorry. I did read your guide. Thanks for all your hard work putting it together. I also was reading your post under another thread about guilt when the affair became physical... I guess that is kind of some of the stuff I am struggling with right now... I did things during the affair that were so unlike me (I didn't watch him masturbate on webcam, but I might as well have...). Part of me is still screaming what was wrong with me?! I haven't been able to tell the IC about it all yet... I guess maybe I will feel better if I do. I just betrayed my H in so many ways... and I betrayed who I "thought" I was as well. Right now I just feel shaken to the core... who am I? Sorry, rambling. Just a day... But my om was very sexual as well (I think that is how you referred to yours -- actually I am sure mine was a sex addict) and I really responded to that and am now having problems reconciling that... I appreciate your honest posts as they help me feel some balance -- i.e. there are other "good" people out there that did things they aren't happy with, but are moving on productively.

tis the truth - you aren't a bad person, you just made a bad choice.

It's important though to really find out why you made that choice so you can protect yourself in the future - this is alot of self analyzation and time...

You are on the right path though !

Wow, what a difference 10 days makes! I did tell both my husband and my therapist about the things I was so ashamed of. Funny, hubby wasn't all that shocked... granted he hadn't really thought about it, and he did have some kind of delayed reaction (very bad sleeping that night), but he handled it with amazing grace and dignity... made me realize that what I did was bad, but I could stop beating myself up for it. Therapist heard me out... sure we will talk more about it later, was concerned about me telling hubby every little detail, but he and I have agreed to take this to what we call "ground zero" -- which I think is our term for total honesty... we want to rebuild from concrete, not quicksand. I also found someone's post here that basically said at the end of the day, check in with yourself... did you lie, omit the truth, or do anything else to be concerned about -- if so fess up... on the other hand, did you do anything you feel proud about (i.e. as simple as maintaining your commitment to NC), then take stock. After enough nights of recognizing you are doing the right thing, you will begin to feel better. I think I needed that perspective.