33 years old and married for 6 years with 3 kids 5,3 & 2. Suspicious behavior from my wife caused me to check cell phone records a month ago, where I discovered that she had spent alot of phone time in the past 3 months with a man I did not know. Confronted her and she got very mad a threatended to leave. She calmed down after a few hours and said she was not leaving and wanted to work on our marriage. She admitted to some inappropriate behavior but no sex. We tried to start work on the marriage, counseling etc., but I still felt something between us. Started to get very obsessive with discovering the truth which she resented. Reviewed the phone records more thouroughly found something I had missed...she was also making very regular phone calls to an ex boyfriend I don't know. I threatened to leave and she finally admitted to sleeping with both him and the previous guy. Her relationship with the ex started about a year after we were married. After all the initial emotions, I started to have concerns about the paternity of my children. I asked her permission to have a paternity test done on them all, and she was appalled that I would ask. I kept pressing and she finally agreed, but I think only because she did not think I would do it. I found out yesterday that my youngest son (2 1/2 and named after me) is not my biological son!. I assumed it was the exe's, and showed her the results. She revealed that it was not his it was another guy she went to highschool with who she had a drunken 1 night stand with. She got pregnant 2 months after my daughter was born. I was devastated. She swears she did't know, but I don't believe her. I thought I had the perfect family, now my world is obliterated. All that is keeping me going is the need to take care of my kids, including my youngest. I think my mind has gone numb as a defense, but when it sinks in I may not survive. Please share any advice or experience.

It sound like you are married to a sex addict.

Standard MB stuff isn't going to fix this...you guys need professional help...quick.

If I were in your shoes, I would give her two choices: 1)Treament for SA and counseling or, 2) She is out and you keep the kids.

Low

dlc is that your only son?

I know it must be very difficult, but think long and hard about what you want to do.... your son is still your son he is a product of the marriage. You can keep it that way forever if you want. You have rights where he is concerned.

I feel sorry for you , but please take action to let your wife know that she is not in control of the kids you have rights with ALL the kids. You know that you can continue to claim your son as your own. Please get a free phone consult from different attorneys.

Stay strong.

I have 2 sons. One is 5, and the other is 2, and I have a daughter who is 3. I have confirmed paternity on the older two.

Not to be dimissive, but I don't honestly believe she is a sex addict, I think she craves attention from men. Her parents had a messy divorce and she spent many of her formative years with her father who is a Marine Corps Colonel. He was strict and showed little genuine emotion because that is what he thought she needed to survive in the world. Now when she feels anything resembling rejection from a man she wants to please him, and the easiest way to do that is to sleep with him. She is only 26 and still very beautiful.

Honestly, though, my main concern is not with her and I right now. She is teetering on severe depression, and I have to protect my kids. Courts would certainly side with her in terms of custody, and I don't think that would be a stable environment for the children. I can postpone a decision regarding my marriage until we are both in a better frame of mind to make decisions. If there is any way to give my kids a loving home with both parents, I'm going to do it even if I have to swallow my emotion until I choke on it. Besides, I still love my wife. I just can't stay with her if she won't get help. I have to keep myself together so the kids are not affected in the short term, and convince my wife to figure out what is wrong with her, so that she can work on coping with normal adult functions like remorse, responsibility, consequence and so on.

Her main concerns right now are a) is she going to lose her husband that she depends on everything for, and b) am I going to tell anyone. She is still concerned with an image that is derived totally from fantasy, and that is the core of her problem...her whole identity is based on a lie that she believes.

What really tears me apart is what I will eventually tell my son. Obviously, I have some time to think about it, but I don't ever want to be in a situation where he finds out another way, and I have to explain why I kept it from him. To compound matters, it could affect his relationship with his brother and sister because of the obvious different fathers. I am going to a therapist and hope she can help me with this.

Thanks for the sentiments. I take particular solace in the statement that my son is product of my marriage. That is truly how I feel.

What a horrible story. My guess is that are probably more revelations you do not know about. I implore you to get tested for STD's. I also think you need to contact an attorney to understand your legal and financial obligations now and in the future. I am sure you are in total shock. She sounds very toxic to you. Protect your children and yourself. I am afraid that your past will be your future if you remain with her.

dlc1502, I know of a similar situation of my childs marriage partners family. As an in-law, I always noticed how one particular child was always treated differently than the other cousins. I finally figured it out. This young man is now 19 years old. His father raised him as his own. The whole family knows the truth except this young man.

As an in-law, (they don't know that I know, but my child knows I do), I see the family maybe twice a year.

This young man is having a hard time turning into a man. Problems with drinking and driving. I am afraid if he learns the truth, that his father is not his biological father, and that all his family knew why but him, he could go off the deep end. Then, again, knowledge would explain to him why he was always treated differently by his grandparents, aunts and uncles from his fathers side. Things could fall into place of 'why'. I know as an adult, this young man would probably appreciate learning the truth from both his parents together. How painful to maybe learn the truth from someone like a cousin, ect.

I believe in telling your son the truth as early as possible. This is only my opinion.

I admire your caring for the children. I believe that parents should be an example. Deceit and lies are not good examples.

I also think you must be a very strong person emotionally.

How does your wife feel? Is she begging you to stay? Does the rest of hers and yours family know? Are you both agreeing to counseling? You say you still love her. Does she claim the same? Is she sorry?

Sometimes I think the more you love, the more it hurts.

Read here on MB. I hear the Harley's counseling are much admired and respected in the marriage world. Reading the MB website helps to learn.

ember

Glad you're going to a therapist. I would seriously consider whether or not all of HER issues are something you can really deal with, sounds like a lot of work. You don't have to be married to her to love her, you deserve more respect. And I would NOT certainly say the courts will side with her on custody. She obviously has a better chance if youngest is not yours, but if she does that she'll have to tell OM as well, figuring on child support from him. You can still be a fther figure to this child even if you're not his biological father, sounds like he's going to need you. No more lies, no more fantasy, this IS REALITY for both of you. Good Luck!!

Sexual addiction in women (and men) may very well be rooted in the issues you've noted. People engage in sexual activity to feed some kind of internal shortcoming. Sex addicts are often very sweet people who crave attention. They're not always "pedophiles in the park".

Your wife had at least 4 sexual relationships in 6 years and had a child by one of these lovers. As Bryan said, I would suspect that there is a lot of other behavior that you don't know about.

You can dismiss or deny if you want to, but it doesn't change the fact that she needs treatment. Your health and the health of your entire family is at risk. The most loving thing you could do for all of them is insist on treatment as a condition for continuing the marriage.

Secondly, I'm curious about how your lifestyle gave her the opportunity to engage in this kind of behavior. Do think some changes might be in order to ensure she is always accountable?

For example...she should never go out without you. She should have NO privacy until such time as she earns it back.

As far as family courts go, you are in great shape to gain full custody at this point given her behavior.

Unless there are things going on that would make you think the courts wouldn't favor you.

Are there?

Low

Ember. Thank you so much for your account. It is exactly the kind of feedback I had hoped for. It is probably naive to think that this secret can remain kept. The truth has a way of revealing itself. As he gets older, the differences are likley to become obvious. They were obvious to me once the infidelity came to light. Boy, the infidelity seems so insignificant now. Some family members that have known my wife all her life may already suspect it. I just want to do the thing that will give him the best chance at happiness. Hopefully that path will become apparent over the next few years. Thank you so much.

There is nothing that the courts would find unfavorably about me as a father. I have almost no experience with divorce or the laws surrounding it, but I have only ever met one man who fought for custody of his children and won. Regardless, it would be messy and I am not prepared to put the kids through that...they are just babies. Also, the fact that the youngest is not my biological son would complicate things for the court. I would not want to separate him from his brother and sister.

My wife has expressed deep and profound regret. She insists that she can see things clearly now and knows what she wants. I would love nothing more than to believe her but, unfortunately, she thinks the fact that she loves me and is sorry is sufficient for a strong marriage. I am forcing her to face everthing that is wrong about her life and self image, and confront it rather than run away, which is her response to any challenge.

I was very suprised to find out when I came home today that she wants to go away to a 6-day individual therapy retreat in Arizona called The Meadows. Please let me know if anyone is familiar with it. This will by no means fix things, but it is the first thing she has done that shows an initiative to try and discover the truth. The type of disfunction my wife has must be devolped over generations. Her parents exibit elements of it as do both sets of grandparents (All 3 are divorced and remarried). Any effort she has made before has seemed like it is derived from a desire to please me...this appears to be a genuine effort to discover the root of the problem. I hope and pray that she is sincere.

There is no possiblity for "us" if she cannot first concentrate on her and I address the change all of this has caused in me.

dlc1502, good luck. I'm willing to listen and give you my opinion any time. Every action we take, every movement we make, has a consequence.

I'm glad I stayed in my marriage. My circumstances are much different than yours. My H really loves me, and fought to keep me. I love him and respect him again. I am very fortunate. I hope your wife still wants and needs you.

I am aganist secrets and lies from people who are directly, or indirectly involved. It hurts to find that your choices were taken away from you by people you loved and trusted.

I would rather be told the truth as a kid. It is harder to find out the truth after a lifetime of deception.

As you know first hand, deception hurts.

ember

dlc,

Well, I "googled" "The Meadows in AZ" and it brought me to their website. I would suggest you do the same and read their information. I just skimmed over it, but it sounds like a pretty good place that could work for your W.

As for what you should do, well you need to search deep within yourself for the answer to that. We can all tell you what WE think you should do, but only you know the real answer to that question. Read as much here as you can. There is TONS of information that you can get on this board!

Good luck!

It has been a difficult few days. I have set asided any feelings of affection for my wife, but have offered my support as she endevors to discover the woman she is, and seperate it from the woman the world has made her. She understands that her struggle now is not about losing her husband, or losing her children, but rather about piercing the veneer of self image, and establishing that her life and existence are worthwile.

She will be attending a weeklong retreat on her own. I hope that it will be the first step in overcoming all of the latent emotions that have lead her on such a destructive path. I have had to really controll my tendancy to want to do it for her, because I know she has to walk this road by herself. I have committed that regardless of how our marriage turns out, I won't forsake her like everyone else in her life has. We are all in need of redemption, and those who choose to withold it cannot receive it, even though it is free. I think her heart is sincere, and as long as she doesn't give up, I know she can find hapiness.

My therapist listened patiently as I gave her an account of everything. She did not have much advice because I took up most of the session, but she confirmed that the steps my wife was taking were a great start. I mentioned that I was very concerned on how to handle disclosure of the information to my son. I expressed that there probably was not a right or wrong answer on whether or not to tell him. According to her, from a clinical standpoint, there is a right answer and a wrong answer. She is going to go through it with me at our next session. I honestly don't know what her recommendation will be.

I have read many of the accounts posted here and I am amazed at the strength and resilience many of you show. I hope that everyone finds comfort in some way in each of your struggles.

The Meadows has an excellent reputation as a treatment center! It's headed by professionals who have been in the treatment field for years. In fact, some of the staff are individuals who originated a lot of the current treament concepts for addictive behaviors, adult children of alcoholics, sexual abuse, etc.

I agree that your wife definately needs some type of psychological treatment. I believe that The Meadows is a great first step. "Heads Up" on making sure she completes her initial treatment. Sometimes the going gets rough as confrontation occurs. People will start to find all sorts of reasons...excuses...to try and leave the program.

Hopefully The Meadows will be able to provide suggestions for appropriate follow-up treatment when she returns home. She will need follow-up treatment with this pattern of behaviors. Recognition and insight only goes so far. Change can be frightening. Our old behaviors have been "practiced" over many years.

I commend you for trying to give yourself and your wife time to digest all that has hit you in the past several days. There will no doubt be many difficult days ahead for you, your wife and your children. Your love and concern for your children....all three...is apparent. Bless you for being there for them...and for the blessings they bring to you. Remember to try and give yourself a little "self-care". You need to stay healthy for this journey. I wish you the very best.

dlc: I've heard wonderful things about this place. Whoever said it (maybe you) that she will have to continue therapy after this is correct. They are known to really help many people with different problems. My sisters step daugheter use to work there.