Delimma here...a little back story for those who don't know...my FWH had on online friendship with OW that turned to a PA, long distance, on business trips to her city. He is wanting to go on another business trip in Sept. and asked me to go with him. He is currently not attending any trips unless i plan on going with him since D-day. The problem is that I really don't want to pull the kids out of school and spend the extra $, which we don't have, to babysit him. He won't go if I say no. Should i let him go by himself? When is the point that I should trust him again? Isn't that part of recovery? BTW this trip is not in the state that the OW is in.

I really need some imput, we are going to talk about it tonight and decide.

HELP!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well it appears that this is all still pretty fresh. Though in some areas there seems to be progress, I think after doing a little reading that there may not be as much in other areas. If you don't want to take the kids on this one, then I would recommend telling him that you are not comfortable with that right now.

Chris, asked you a couple of questions on one of your previous posts about believing that he went to CA for 4 days to say goodbye to her and there not being any PC. I, too, find that hard to believe. Ohhhhh and yes, I think you could still do and probably should send a NC letter, along with having full access to the new laptop.

Actually she came out here...and I may kick myself later for saying this but i do believe that there was no PA. The affair wasn't really about the sex it was about friendship. I will try to encourage him to explain himself further to the MB board too, I can't really speak for him i can only tell you what i feel. Although i can't say that I am 100% sure that it didn't happen.
Thanks for your response though, you are right i don't know if i am really ready for him to go it alone yet. If he does there will have to be many checks and balances for him to reconcile while he is out there.

~LT

ok... LT's FWH here... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i think it's a little too soon for me to travel as well. not because i'm worried about myself, but because i'm worried about LT and what she would be thinking is happening while i'm gone.

when the opportunity to take the trip came up this morning (i'm in technology and it's a chance to travel to microsoft's hq in redmond and meet with bill gates and steve ballmer) i called LT first to ask if she'd come with. that's the only way i planned on going. she told me she couldn't, but she'd think about whether she'd be comfortable with me going alone. i honestly don't believe that is an option. mostly because i couldn't bear to be so far away if she needed me or was worried about me. i don't know how i could even begin to assuage her fears, when i have such a hard time doing that even now when i am in town.

i can't see traveling anywhere in the near future without her. no matter what the opportunity. i don't know how it works with other couples, but i imagine it must be just as hard.

is it really that hard to believe there was no pc, in a relationship where the pc was more of a detriment to the friendship than anything else? neither of us really wanted to be having sex with one another... although we continued to do so until it virtually unbearable. it HURT, because we knew how badly it would hurt the ones we loved. we talked about that a lot. the whole final "goodbye" trip revolved around saying goodbye and then mending our fractured relationships with the people we realized we had hurt.

never at any point in my relationship with the OW did we ever talk about a future together outside of friendship. she was committed to making her relationship work with her BF, and we'd talk about what i needed to do to try to fix my relationship with LT. of course, the first thing we both really needed to do was terminate the relationship we had with each other, because it was clouding our decision making, but being the fog (as i've read it's called) we never really saw that. unfortunately, it took a lot of painful steps to get there.

i should have NEVER met her again... i should have completed a NC letter... but in hindsight, there were SO MANY things i shouldn't have done - going all the way back to first contact. i beat myself up constantly for being so stupid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

anyway... just replying because i had talked with LT after she read your response, and i wanted to reply as well. i don't think the trip is good idea at all... even moreso after talking to you both. it's just going to take time.

“””i think it's a little too soon for me to travel as well. not because i'm worried about myself, but because i'm worried about LT and what she would be thinking is happening while i'm gone.”””

A couple of things. First off, I totally agree with you that it’s too early. But secondly, while confidence is a great thing, having too much of it can also be a bad thing. You should worry about yourself. By your own words you’ve done things that were totally against your character, your morals, your values; felt pain while doing them, yet proceeded. I’ve done this, not in having an affair, but in other areas of my life. You can’t be trusted by yourself and you need to keep yourself on a short leash. LT is going to require a lot for her recovery, but then again so are you.

”””is it really that hard to believe there was no pc”””

Yes, it is.

“””neither of us really wanted to be having sex with one another...”””

But you did and you continued, as you said. So with the old adage, Actions speak louder than words, your actions have made it hard to believe.

“””the whole final "goodbye" trip revolved around saying goodbye”””

Which that sure could be the case, but you must realize that I’ve been on this site for over 4 years and do you know how many “Goodbye” meeting that I’ve heard about? So yes, I may not have given your words much value there but really they are not for me to get value from, obviously LT has faith in it…

“””i should have NEVER met her again...”””

I agree, so start today by saying I WILL NEVER HAVE CONTACT WITH HER AGAIN.

“””i should have completed a NC letter...”””

It ain’t too late, who knows may provide some closure that one of the people in this relationship needs.

“””it's just going to take time.”””

I agree and I hope you don’t feel like I’m beating you up here. I’m just looking at accountability, period. Who knows, maybe one of us FBS or some of the FWS’s on this site can provide you with some insight. Anywho, good choice today about the trip and when you get home, love your wife…..

thank you, bill...

i've offered to write a nc letter. i haven't had contact since we said goodbye at the airport, but i'm all for it if it will help LT.

am i being overconfident? i didn't realize. i've never been the type to approach OW ever... the last relationship started as an online friendship that lasted for a few months before meeting. i don't ever feel particularly attracted to other woman on a daily basis... for me there has to be some foundation for a relationship. i feel if i can avoid those situations that make that possible, i should be ok. plus i have LT's help in making sure i make the right decisions. no more secrets... MUCH more communication.

thanks again...

“””i've offered to write a nc letter.”””

Awesome BUT offering to write something is not action. Go home and offer to take the trash out for a month but never do it. What message are you sending? Writing a NC, as suggested by marriage builders, having your wife review it and having her send it, is action and again Actions speak louder than words.

“””am i being overconfident”””

Well, if you say that you aren’t concerned about you, then in my humble opinion that is being over confident. Cause again, you probably weren’t worried about you when this whole thang began. You very best thinking at the time lead you to an affair. Is that thinking fixed? Has the reason for that thinking been thoroughly explored? It’s hard to imagine that all this has occurred in the last two months, therefore, with the knowledge that sometime you don’t think quite right, a little fear of yourself may be a good thing.

thank you Bill,
You seem to know what i am feeling and are unable to express. Also your insight is incredible. I think that WH feels a little attacked but i told him that what you said is so true. In fact our MC told him he needed to humble himself. I think you pointed that out well. Sometimes it feels like on this site that the WS seems to get more advice and responses. I want to tell him to go on the trip that i can try to trust but in my heart deep down i know that i am panicing. I feel guilty for asking him to stay. I feel like i should be able to cope with this. I just can't

~LT

“””You seem to know what i am feeling and are unable to express.”””

Unfortunately, I’m a member of the Been There Done That Club.. That being said, I’ve also had experiences in my life that lend me to having a pretty good understanding of your hubby.

“””I think that WH feels a little attacked but i told him that what you said is so true.”””

Again, that’s not my intention, though if need be I do wear a size 12. But in all seriousness, it’s about accountability for one’s actions. I spent a lot of time making bad choices, when I had to face them IT SUCKED. And yes, people that spoke the truth to me, upset me. But seriously LT’s Hubby, I nor anyone at this site is here to attack you. We are people here with a common goal and that is to have a strong healthy happy marriage. But also we are people who have experienced what you are going through now and many have us have done some serious research and have a better understanding. I don’t say this to sound cocky, I say this in hopes that y’all will take some knowledge and guidance from our hard fought experience and not make some of the same mistakes.

“””In fact our MC told him he needed to humble himself. I think you pointed that out well.”””

Humility, is a lesson that I also had to learn. I used to be ten foot tall and bullet-proof, now I’m just Bill or LostHusband.

“””I feel guilty for asking him to stay. I feel like i should be able to cope with this. I just can't””

(((LT))) I. I. I. How many I’s are there in team? Well the team needs you both and it sounds as if he’s willing to stay home where the team needs him. Y’all have a long road ahead of you, one with infinite reward but long none the less. A good rule of thumb is that recovery takes 12-24 months and y’all are in, what, month 2…. Give yourself a break, LT… What you are feeling is real and valid and OK….

Bless you both,