I'm trying like ****** to gather as much info as possible in trying to understand what's going on with my wife / marriage. Seems to fit the profile of an affair too neatly to be dismissed -- but that's just the immediate problem. For all of our 14 year marriage, I've felt like there was a wall between us that I just could not scale. W does not demonstrate affection; does not view sex as an emotional experience, lacks trust ...

In researching my own issues, I came across this label "attachment disorder" wiht a profile that seems to fit W to a "T". She lost her mother at age 6, her father was an alcoholic and her stepmother was hyper-critical and verbally abusive.

Does anyone know about this disorder? Anyone deal with anything of the sort, where their spouse does not seem to be able to form a healthy bond? ????

One of our 2 adopted children has attachment disorder.

Intensive therapy has really helped him.

You cannot fix this frustrating problem. She must decide whether or not she is willing to risk opening herself up in therapy. You see, therapy is also perceived as a risk by attachment disorder folks.

BUT ... she needs to be properly diagnosed first.

Pep -

That fits too -- she has refused couples therapy because she says its a chance for me to "beat up" on her by voicing my complaints. She is going to IC only upon my insistance and I doubt she is really opening up. When I tell her I love her she rolls her eyes and says she thinks I'm only interested in getting something for myself ... Hug her and her arms stay limp at her sides ...

Any further insights you can give would be helpful.

What you need to realize is this:

Avoiding attachments has been a successful protective tool for people with attachment disorder.

Asking her to feel attached feels (for her) like asking her to walk blindfolded on a 10 story ledge ... highly dangerous!

What is dangerous about this thread is ---> people will read this and think that their spouse also has this disorder because they are 'afraid to commit' .... it's much more pathological than that!

BE CAREFUL with this label.

Understood.

I cant post or relply as often as I'd like because of work demands - but this board and you guys are a godsend to me during these days. Thanks.

I caught W in another lie about the suspected OM. She told me she had not seen him in a couple of weeks (they work together, although he's in another department), but the very next day, in conversation, she says, "Ray was in a couple of days ago and said ..." When I pointed out the discrepancy, she became angry, and said she could not share anything with me because I'm always taking notes and trying to catch her at something. Typically, W denies any wrongdoing and says she is entitled to choose what to tell me about her work life.

Problem: I've become so consumed with this emotional rollercoaster that I can hardly work - and my preoccupation is counterproductive to resolving the problems because voicing my emotions is simply driving her farther away. Any tips on how to get some perspective and balance????? If this keeps up, I'm going to be divorced AND fired.

Here's another thing - the IC we are both seeing takes the apporach that a certain degree of separation and privacy is healthy and one spouse has no rights to the other's personal space. W uses this as justification for her lies. This is a problem because this is a family conunselor that we have worked with on a variety of issues on and off for 10 years and she trusts him implicitly. Trust is a BIG issue with her and I can't see getting any other therapist involved. Ouch.

Does she think that she has this problem? Maybe she can keep her current therapist for IC, but find one that is more pro marriage for the two of you.
Your preoccupation is completly normal, and i am sorry that you are going thru this.
my prayers are with you.

~LT

LT; she is not open to finding a marriage counselor with a different view at this point -- she views this as me trying to shop around to find someone who will agree with me against her.

As for preoccupation - GOD! I wake up with this in my head, and I battle it all day long and I lie awake at night with it. I'm exercising and taking antidepressants, but really I'm a basket case!! If it were not for my kids right now, I'd probably be shopping for an institution. Thanks for your thoughts and good wishes.