This is gonna seem nuts but... Anyone want to play the role of ww as I need the practice in preparation for the confrontation? I really need to stay on point with "I know, doesn't matter how I know" message. My concern is it will delve into "how do you know?"

No need to practice, really.

When she asks you how do you know, simply reply with "How I know doesn't matter...I know. How I know isn't the issue here...the issue is what do we do now?"

Rinse and repeat as needed. No matter how hard she pushes for 'proof' or whatever, tell her you've GOT the proof, you KNOW what's going on, and that's all there is to it. Tell her point blank to quit trying to change the focus to how you know...tell her that the issue is as you've stated..."What do we do now?".

Last trick...the louder she gets, the quieter you get. If she yells, respond in a soft, low, even voice. No matter how you feel. Do NOT respond with any arguments...don't argue at all. Simply let it roll off of you, and respond quietly and thoughtfully. This has two effects...one, it normally forces the other person to calm down and respond accordingly...they have to LISTEN to your responses. Two...it shows that you're acting in a reasonable fashion...which is NOT what she's going to expect. It will keep you on the emotional 'high ground'...it's an advantage you should use.

Be firm, quiet, confident, and insistent. Don't back down, don't fight, don't argue. Tell her that you know. Tell her that it needs to end. Tell her what you require for your marriage to work out. Don't tell her about plan A and plan B. Don't educate her. Don't tip your gameplan. Don't let her make it all about you...it's not. Don't accept blame. Don't argue. Don't raise your voice. Respond slowly, calmly, and quietly. Don't back down. If she says something that you know is bulldoo-doo, call it out. Calmly tell her that you know that's not true...don't argue, but don't let her get away with a lie.

Take charge of the conversation...don't let her run it in the direction she wants it to go...because she'll try to avoid the issue.

Hope this all makes sense to you.

I think the previous posters were right on the mark. The fact is that she has absolutely no respect for you and knows that you will not push and are a conflict-avoider. What you really have done is simply enable her to continue her affair with any consequences. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Nobody respects a doormat. If the roles were reversed, do you really think your wife would have been so accepting as you? In the past you thought you were fighting for your marriage by avoiding the obvious. The result was that you allowed her to become entrenched as a cakewoman. Stand up for yourself and I think you will be surprised how much respect she will have for you and how much respect you will have for yourself. If you do not respect yourself enough to confront and not accept such humiliation and disrespect, then why should your wife respect you? I wish you luck.

You know the one thing that you both have said just triggered something. She admitted to the OM that she 'respected" me for doing something. She didn't like it but she respected it. The doing something was hiring the P.I. and finding out. I saw this is in an IM session. I dismissed it until now. The conversation on the IM centered around the OM not doing anything, meaning not leaving his wife and hanging my ww out to dry when I exposed them.

So, I have to stay the course. I know, I know, I know. What do we do?

Is there any point in going to OM and OMW, again?

I'd go to OMW for sure. Let her know what you know, and let her put pressure on OM to end the affair. I don't see much sense in talking with OM directly...odds are it will do you no good whatsoever. And do NOT warn anyone that you're going to OMW...don't let them prepare for anything.

Your wife will of course be FURIOUS...follow my instructions above. Simply tell your wife that you didn't do it to hurt anyone, but to ensure that she knew what was going on too. After all, she's got their marriage to think about as well. And you did it in truth so that there was no more 'sneaking around' with her and OM. You did it because it has to end in order to reconcile your marriage. Don't yell, don't get angry, don't let her change the subject or make you feel like you've done something wrong.

And the respect she felt for you isn't surprising...because you're actually FIGHTING for her...you're not just rolling over and letting her go. My wife was impressed with the efforts I put into working things out and keeping her from leaving to be with OM too.

Owl- In the course of this "discussion" is it worth it to mention the fact that the OM had the opportunity to choose my WW and instead chose his W? to mention I could have chosen to leave ww but intead chose to fight for our marriage, for her? Or this more logic that will simply be lost in the "fog"?

Finally, I expect this conflict to get awfully heated. If she continues to deny and ask how I know, do I simply walk away at some point. Saying something like "it doesn't matter how I know but i know, when you are ready to discuss this and discuss how we are going to fix this M, let me know."

You can mention those things, but truly expecting her to recognize the significance of them at this point is probably out of the question. She won't TRULY start to be able to reason through these things until after NC has set in, and she's gone through the withdrawl process of losing the affair and OM.

If things get too heated, you have a couple of options. You can quietly say "Perhaps we should continue this later after we've both calmed down.", and walk away. Or another one of my tactics is to sit there quietly while she goes on with her ranting and raving, not responding AT ALL. Eventually she'll realize that you're not playing along...and stop and look at your. Sit there quietly for a few more minutes (a good LONG pause is very effective here), and then quietly continue where you left off as though nothing had happened at all. Do this as often as you need to...but above all, do NOT ARGUE OR SHOUT back!!!

Remain firm, confident, and keep control. When she attempts to take control by arguing, fall back to these strategies. And when she falters, resume as though nothing has happened. Do NOT get ruffled...trust me, she'll have very little to say that has any real meaning at this point.

Don't expect to solve world hunger in one conversation. Once you feel that you've made a point or two, end the conversation pleasently. And YOU make a point of establishing the end, by summarizing what's been said in a sentence or two, and walking away to do something else.

Odds are that she's never seen tactics like this from you, so this will completely throw a wrench into her fruit loops! It should help you to manage and control the situation a lot more effectively...and gain even more respect from her.

Hoot- Now I am starting to get somewhere. I am envisioning this and boy it ain't gonna be pretty. Fixing world hunger in one conversation isn't gonna happen. I have to get this through my head. Whenever we have had issues/battles in the past I am always looking to get them resolved and put away. This one will be different.

Would it be considered making a point or two if I only get as far as "i know"? I suspect it will just go to "how do you know?" I stay with "I know and that is all that matters, when are you going to tell me the truth?"

If it goes to the I have to walk away to end it. Do I wait for her to come around to discuss it again or do I bring it back up? I suspect if she doesn't break down she will go to the silent treatment. Do I wait her out?

Hope the conversation didn't go as badly as you feared. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Alright Hawk...haven't seen you on in a few days. Hope things are going well for you!