I hope there is someone out there that can empathize with me. My husband of 8 years told me three days ago that he'd been having a phone/email affair for the past two months. Although this might not seem like a long time, any time at all is horrible. I was completely surprised and I think I'm still in shock, haven't really felt much anger yet but I've cried plenty. Apparently the OW's husband found out about their affair 3 weeks ago and he just told me about it. I have to wonder if he ever would have if the OW's husband had not discovered their secret...perhaps better not to think about the "what if"s.
He says he wants to try to work things out for the sake of our young children and that there are a lot of other factors causing him to have major doubts about his life (reaching 40, dissatisfied with his career, etc.). He is going to a therapist this week and we're going together next week. We've talked about how important it is to me and to the future of our relationship to have him completely end things with the OW but he says he doesn't want to talk to her now, just wants to focus on us. I'm hoping our therapist will help convince him that he must do that to move forward. I called the OW yesterday and told her I was not giving up on my marriage and that if she had even a shred of integrity or decency (which I doubted) that she would walk away from this forever. I suggested putting as much energy into her own marriage (w/ children also!) as she'd been putting into communications my husband. I told my husband last night about my call to her, certainly not being able to hide things from him...not my style but I did't think it was his either until now.
He is a basket case most of the time now, freaked out about being at work because that is where he became associated with her (via phone and email through his company and hers). He said that he tenses up and is fearful every time the phone rings or that he gets an email that it will be her. He's now really bent on us moving to Arizona (we've lived there before and his sister lives there--she knows about what is going on with us) and I'm scared to death of pretty much everything.
Ugh, any words of advice on how to cope??? I wish I was posting a note about anniversary ideas!!!

I'm so sorry. I feel your pain. Anytime in an affair is too much time. I'm new here, too. D-day was 6-27 for me. You'll get lots of good information from some of the others.

Go buy the book Surviving an Affair. Read everything on the site.

Hang in there

I am so sorry you are going through this. But you have found a great place for support. Read how affairs should end and withdrawal. I would consider moving to AZ if that will keep them from being in contact with each other.
Does the therapist use the MB principals?

My WS is also having an EA at work I didn't find out as soon as you did.
I'll check in on you later,
Faith

This is an amazing place for support! I have found great comfort and so much wisdom on these pages. The thought of moving to AZ is not a bad one, just worry that this EA could easily still continue there since it is internet and phone based. Right now just removing my WH from his current job would be great, just not possible due to financial needs (we both work FT).

I do not know if our therapist uses MB principles but I plan to print out a lot of information and take them with because I'm hooked!

I'm equally sorry to hear about your troubles. Not a fun "club" to be a part of. We can only hope and pray for the best. Thank you!

"... other factors causing him to have major doubts about his life (reaching 40, dissatisfied with his career, etc.)."

My H has said these things as well...my therapist says he's going through what society calls midlife crisis. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your H seems to give you hope, or you obviously have some, which I think is always a good start. Positive thinking goes a long way.

I see you looked at my first thread, and I say to you too, be strong!!

Oh boy, too many similarities! Yes, the dreaded midlife crisis. The OW doesn't know anything about these issues...why would she! I am shocked by how unbelievably angry (at the OW) I am right now b/c I just found out that the OW has contact my H by phone and email with work-related things being the excuse, saying she understands and supports our situation...WHATEVER! LAME! I so badly want to fly to her place of employment and verbally rip her apart!
My H says that he is o.k. (I'm not!) but the fact that he is supporting the excuses of work (there are others that could help her but he won't completely shut her down yet) really upsets me. How do I remain in control? I can only hope that our therapist, with whom he meets with tomorrow for the first time since this all came to light, will help my H realize that ALL contact MUST stop at all costs. We will go together but not until next Monday. I'm not sure how I'll make it through the weekend, although at least he won't be at work!
Deep breaths....

I have decided that even if real dialog is going on, I still feel better to post the latest developments in my saga. My WH and I are moving forward it seems. We've been closer this past week since the reveal of the A than we have been in months, probably longer. After four days of procrastinating writing and sending "the letter" to the OW, we finally sat down last night together and did it. After seeing the MC yesterday, my H was convinced that it would be a good thing, esp. to show his commitment to me.

We discussed the contents and most of the suggestions came from this website (THANK YOU!). My H was shaky and emotional once he started rereading the finished letter. I was stunned and did not know what to do so I just kept my mouth shut (something I'm learning to do more of) and gave him a hug. He was obviously upset, I'm guessing about the finality the letter represented. He also said that "as a friend" that he was worried about her b/c of how her H had reacted to the A (supposedly tried to choke her) and b/c she didn't have with her H anything close to what we have as a couple (supposedly he's never around and when home ignores her and their 3 children). I didn't say anything and interestingly enough he said he knew what I was thinking..."tough crap and she'll have to deal with it". I told him that was not the case, that I felt sorry for her also but that we needed to focus on our relationship, not hers; that the boundaries of friendship had been crossed and could not be maintained, for whatever reason. He stared at the screen a long time rereading the words, crying a bit and finally said "just send it". My reply was that he needed to be the one to do so; he did.

My H has a big heart and I think being the knight in shining armor for her was a big ego boost for him. I think that I might be 'too strong' most of the time and have not filled his EN in many ways for some time. I printed the EN questionnaire for us both and hope to complete them soon.

I still live in fear that he will reach out to her or that b/c of workplace ties he will have contact with her again. Although the letter has been sent, I worry that he will resent me for 'not allowing' any sort of relationship with her (really backwards, I think but...) and pull away from me again. Thanks to all that I've read on this website, I understand the withdrawal stage and associated emotions; I think I have been trying to fool myself into thinking that it would be easier (for him) to walk away, less painful and that the A was less substantial.....ha. I keep waiting for anger towards him to surface but know that it won't do any good. My head is spinning.

My H is constantly talking about moving to AZ...too much for me to think about right now. I just keep my mouth shut, smile and nod.

Hi notagoodthing...

What's in AZ??? Moving is very favorable if it is moving away from the OP.

You are right on top of it when you talk about his ego boosts. Men love admiration, compliments etc. Exactly what women want but I think even more so.

I had never really thought about it all until my H last PA...women have friends and strangers as well who feel comfortable telling they look nice etc. But other men don't tell other men, "hey you look great today, what have you been doing to yourself?", "new diet?", "i think you look mavalous dahling" etc...

I was always craving compliments from my H not realizing that I was not giving them (possibly a hold out kinda thing).

I will keep you in my prayers. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders concerning your sitch.

Have a good day,
holiday

I DON't KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! I'm now double posting (two forums)....I so appreciate everyone's insight and support. I feel my H and I have reached a crucial point and I'm scared to death. After sending the letter last night, my H has withdrawn from me quite a bit. I knew it couldn't be at all easy....

I tried calling him this morning after we both left for work but I figured he was in a meeting (confirmed). I then sent him an email to check in. He forwarded a response email to me from the OW. This is what it said:

Subject: Good bye (my last email)

I have to say it was a joy knowing you and I wish you the best in your life and hope ALL of your dreams come true.
I thought I had a really good friend over there in (our state) and I NEVER thought our friendship would end.

But since I respect you and your decision and the promise you made to your wife this will be my last email I will send you. I will only contact (coworkers' names) with any situation I have (or the new guy when he gets there).

It kills me inside that I have lost a friend, but BOO F*ING HOO for me right. ; )
There is a lot more that I would like to say, but I have to just let it go.
Take care of your wonderful family. I am glad you put them first in your life...that is why I fell for you in the first place.

Have a great life (my H's name)
I wish many beautiful sunny days where the sun warms your face
Many clear cool nights where the stars light up the sky and your wife can sit on your lap and you can wrap your arms around her and keep her warm.
I wish only success for you two and your kids.
Best of luck to (MY son's name) in his U-9 soccer team. I know it will only make him better.

Keep an eye out in the next 10-15 years for (her 3 kids' names). I have a feeling with (her H's name) and My genes they might turn out to be super stars in something. We are not going to push them and we will let them do what they want, but with their height and build, I don't think
there will be any stopping them. Only time will tell though.

Many smiles from here on out...no more tears... and thank God your life is going to be back to normal again.

OW's name


O.K., PLEASE someone respond! I want to call her and let her know what I think. My H is NOT doing well right now and also got chewed out by his bosses in his meeting (don't know the details on that but I'm guessing they've noticed his distraction for the past 2 months w/o knowing why). Should I call him? What should I do?!??? I don't want to make a mistake at this crucial time!
HELP!

I posted to yuor thread in the other forum. Take care.

to Holiday...we lived in AZ a short time 3 years ago. WH's sister lives there (she is helping us work through this) and WH's parents spend 1/2 their time there. We hate winter and live in a place that has snow for 3+ months; we live here to be close to my parents (great relationship with them and they're close to our children). I worry that the move would be a temporary distraction and that since this was an internet & phone A, that can continue anywhere if the mood strikes.

Too much to think about right now for me but I'm not squelching his ideas.

You cannot feel his emotions, hurt and pain for him. You can be there as you were when you listened to him when he wrote the letter, but let him feel those feelings so you can get full closure. I've experienced the pulling away too. Unfortunately, I went through more than one letter and more than one OW. I also experienced him backing out of what the letter said and reigniting the affair. Stand strong, stand for you and your children and your marriage.

Read up on Plan A so you can have a plan if need be to send him the message that is necessary for him to put your family first. Feeling sorry for her will not work in your long term plan.

He has probably been too involved in his affair with her and not doing his work. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. He has not only hurt his wife, he has hurt his job and robbed from his employer in a sense because he has not been focusing on his job, instead on e-mailing and talking to her.

Hang in there!!!

Oh and by the way.... give me a break with her pretending to care about your family and wanting whats best for him. What a form of manipulation and martyrdom if I've ever seen one. GAG!

First, about her email...(excuse the graphics) BARF, PUKE, CHUCK!!!! GAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a person!
How cruel was that to you and your family????

notagoodthing...continue to be his best friend. You won't feel like he deserves it, but try. This is all about CHOICE.

He needs you and his sons now more than ever and let him know it. Plan A to the max. It's hard to understand why we (the BS's) must sometimes help the most in this sitch to heal, but I feel we are the STRONGER one's.

How great for you and your H to heal by him forwarding her message. He will continue to have these valleys, so try to be prepared.

I am reading the book NOT "JUST FRIENDS" by Shirley Glass. Great insight and I highly recomend it to everyone and I have read them all.

Moving to AZ with a support system waiting for you sounds like the best medicine so long as it is also a good financial move for your family.

You and your family are in my prayers,

holiday

notagoodthing...

Just had a thought.

How about writing her back (with your H included of course) the following email:

Dear (her name),

My H and I would like to thank you for your letter of understanding on how important our marriage and family are. After he had forwarded this to me we felt we needed to let you know that we feel the same.

We hope ALL your dreams come true as well and that you make the choice to heal your own marriage and will chose to create a healthy and happy home for your children.

We thank you for respecting our wishes.

Sincerely,

H name, your name.

She hit your H with the
line which deeply bothered me.

This is a verse he will remember thinking she is being sincere (I don't think so. She's trying to stay in his head.)

He'll think she's an angel when obvious to us she's in sheep's clothing.

Have your H read the return email letter. Have him send this from his email address with a cc to you.

Keep me posted.

holiday

I can't say thank you enough for your words of support and for your advice! Friday night was a real low for me. My WH did talk to our MC on Friday afternoon and he read the letter to him; MC confirmed the same things that you did (trying to manipulate him, etc.). I'm with you on being sickened by the OW's letter and the words ran through my head on & off all weekend. I am glad that I did not contact her or her H. Although I like the idea of the response email from WH and me, I also want to ignore her and not dignify her with any response. I would like for her to know that he shared it with me but I think we need to put all our energy into our relationship and not give any more to her. She's sucked enough life out of us. Perhaps I'll bring up this topic at our MC appt. this afternoon...it will be our first together since Dday on 8/13.

A good and bad thing is that my WH has a HUGE heart...obviously likes to be the hero. His heart hasn't been in the right place for a few months though. He is also a big time martyr; he knows this as well as I do.

We filled out the EN questionnaires last night. I read his after I completed mine. I'm more baffled now than ever b/c he marked that he is mostly or very satisfied with how I meet his needs in almost every area...even the ones that I thought I might be lacking. I don't get it! I was not as kind but very honest on mine; he put it aside and has not read it yet. In the course of conversation over the weekend he asked me if I really felt that his A was b/c of things I did or did not do and I said "yes". Again, MC appt. should be interesting and I am looking forward to it, just wish it could last for a few hours!

I agree that WH got what he deserved at work. I did a lot of listening about his job this weekend and didn't make comments I was thinking.

I still worry about the AZ move idea. I love our home here, like our neighbors, the kids are settled and happy and my parents are here, plus a number of friends. Although I don't like winter, the PROS on my list about NOT moving far outweigh the CONS of staying. We have a great support system in place here; I think that my WH just doesn't want any of our support here to know about what he's done or what he's going through. We have not told my parents or his or our friends here about the nitty-gritty details of what's going on. My parents know we're having some problems but no specifics. Not sure how to proceed. Although I've read many times over that the WH should be exposed, there is a part of me that wants to protect him and that does not think that the intimate details are anyone else's business.

I'm so confused and frustrated. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time around my WH, like he's doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants to. In the past he has said the same about being around me; I wonder if he feels that justice has been served now.

nagt...I too did not wish to EXPOSE it to everyone. Felt I would sound like a raving lunatic. This was about my H and I and our marriage. Perhaps if he had a long term A and told me he was "in love" and "not in love with me"...blah blah blah, I may have felt differently.

I choose only those extremely close to me (and some extremely close to me I did not choose) and the wonderful friends I met at MB.

I didn't want to create or find any "enemies" of my marriage. Only those I felt could help us stay together.
Let me know how MC goes.

Have a better day,
holiday

went to MC yesterday, he thinks the major issue here is that my WH doesn't and never has really known who he is, shrugs being truly responsible for anything he does. I think this probably goes back to his childhood...controlling mother, weak father, basically told what to do and how to do it all the time. Ugh. Uphill battle but hopefully one that can be won!

I still think that there had to have been things missing from our relationship for my WH to turn to OW for EA. MC said it was pure lack of responsibility for OW. I have hope but am still struggling to be understanding of WH's issues. Guess I'll just take a deep breath and try to be patient.

Hmmm, controlling mother, huh? My H too. Father wasn't weak, but really never "spoke up" until pushed to his limit.

Have you read the book "Love and Respect" by Dr Emerson Eggerich? Helps on building better communication skills.

I am also reading NOT Just Friends (if I hadn't told you). Very enlightning on the subject of A's.

Ah, the joy and sorrow of growing up. I feel unbelievably fortunate to have wonderful parents. Darn controlling moms...incentive NOT to be that way with my own boys! Thanks for the book recommendations. I'm waiting for "Surviving an Affair" and will look into the others. I love to read and I've also found music to be very soothing.

The WH and I went on a date last night to a concert. We had a great time, nice to just concentrate on each other and the music. Do you still have fears about the OW trying to contact your H? I am pretty sure that my H would tell me if that happened to him but then again, I'm not really sure of anything; wonder if he wouldn't b/c he'd know how upset I'd get (although only voicing my anger and frustration in the presence of our MC at this point).

Another day under the belt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />