I have a dinner date Thursday night with a different type of man than I usually have had success with, and I need your encouragement, tips and advice.

It seems that my ex-H, ex-BF, and the most successful dates (usually leading to 2nd and/or 3rd dates) that I've had, are men that are less self-confident, less financially successful, and more on the needy, clingy side. I suppose this has been due to my co-dependent nature, and my own low self-esteem. I have been working on these things, and continue to do so.

My date Thursday night is a successful business-owner, independent and confident, and.... I'm a little intimidated. It's not that I think he's "out of my league", but I want to feel as good about this as possible going into it, and want your tips and advice on how to handle myself, and how to treat him on this date, and on any other phone calls between now and then so I don't make a fool out of myself.

For starters, I know that I obviously need to BE myself, but I need to present the side of me that is confident, sure of myself and my goals, be feminine, polite, upbeat, positive...

What else can you offer me?

In two words...BE YOURSELF!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He may be thinking the same things about you...how he is REALLY trading up by going out with such a classy, intelligent and attractive lady.

We all have our insecurities...get back to basics, take a deep breath and be Faith1

You'll do GREAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WNB

Faith1~~~

I would say this man already sees a quality in you that he likes, otherwise you would not be going on the date.

So, my advice would be to try to relax and continue to be yourself. Try not to worry so much about what your saying or your actions because you may miss a piece of the conversation that could be enjoyable.

Easy for me to say, as I have not really dated at all so to speak. But, I would hope this is how I would handle it.

Good Luck Thursday! and don't forget to tell us how it went.

Karona

Thank you both. You are REALLY helping me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

true....


I love this! Thank you!

Despite what you may think about him now, he is still going to have to prove that he is GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. Yes, he has some nice qualities, but those alone aren't enough to win your heart, are they? The ball's in his court. The pressure is on him. Does he measure up to what you really deserve?

That is the attitude you should have. It should be a challenge to win your heart, because you have a lot to offer.

Now for a confidence building technique that has worked for me...

Imagine the time when you've felt on top of the world. When you've had such a great day that nothing could set you back. Remember that feeling. Meditate on it. Experience it again in your mind. Feel it. Then, with that feeling, think about meeting new people, making new friends. With that feeling, think about talking to this man. Imagine it. A playful confidence. Having fun for fun's sake. Nothing can get you down because you feel so good.

When you find this place and can get to it at will, it's contagious, it's a magnet. Sometimes you don't have to say a word and people will notice.

are men that are less self-confident, less financially successful, and more on the needy, clingy side.My date Thursday night is a successful business-owner, independent and confident,


Not to burst your bubble here - but my WH comes off in this exact manner...Yet, it's all fake..Yes, he's financially successful - BUT he is not RELATIONSHIP successful..He lacks dignity, true self-esteem and truthfulness. Don't assume this guy is "different"..He may just be better on what he projects to others..Believe me - I know...

Be yourself, look inside the man - deep inside..Be careful..Some highly business successful people have very shallow relationships and feelings of gradeousious that aren't warranted. No, they aren't needy-clingy but that's a whole other problem/issue..THey need noone..It's all about them...

It took me 10 years to "see" the real man I M..and I don't like what I see.

Good Luck..Keep a very open mind here...

Excellent! You're figuring it out. If you choose the same kind of man over and over and it isn;'t working for you, you're looking at the wrong kind of man.

I can only reiterate what others have said here about being yourself and not putting too much stock in his facade. Never forget that in each man there are three persona: the one he projects to the world, the one only his closest loved ones know, and one that only he knows.

Most men at least attempt to project a strong, confident personality, since it is expected. But that doesn't mean he is either. If he seems a bit overboard in this presentation, he's probably hiding some deep insecuries and is probably not as secure in his masculitity as he seems.

Oh, and it's a first date. Treat is as such -- keep it light and friendly and don't look past the experience to what may lie beyond.

Thank you all SO MUCH! You are hitting on some points that were floating around out of reach for me, and you are stating them perfectly for me!!! Plus some I haven't thought of.

And I realize the cautions you are giving about possible "facades", or being "fake", so I will keep that in mind.

But I have definitely been better (in the past) at building up a man with low self-esteem, which makes HUGE love-bank deposits and they end up chasing me..... than knowing how to treat a confident man, and knowing how to make deposits in his love-bank. THAT is what I'm wanting to know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And thank you, you are helping me.

And I DO have to change my perspecive, just like you are all telling me to do. I'm thinking HE'S sitting there thinking, "OK, I'll give this girl a chance. I'll see if she's good enough to be with me. Is she good enough - smart enough - pretty enough to be in business with me and go places with me?" And you are all REMINDING me that I should be thinking "Is HE good enough for ME?" (who said that, TBG?? Thanks!)

Why not break the ice when meeting and tell him how you were nervous about meeting him? I guess that depends on previous conversations too. I know for me, I like to laugh things off, and laughing at myself is great fun for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> LOL!

And yes, I'm with the others... keep the conversation light, but look for subtle signs from him to help decide if he's good enough for YOU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> (eye contact? grooming? initiates conversation? etc)

Karen

p.s. let us know how it goes!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Karen. Good to see you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!!!

I agree with Topie. Laugh and have a good time. If you like a sense of humor, go with it. Buy some Bubba-teeth and wear then when you first meet! (K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) If he has a sense of humor, he'll bust a gut and you'll be off to a great start. If not, then you'll know that too. Good Luck.

FR

Faith, I want to give you something to think about here. It sounds like I could be this guy you're going out with. I'm viewed as a very confident & successful person with an advanced graduate degree & a history of accomplishments throughout my life.

It turns out that myself and ALL men need affirmation, respect, admiration. That is nearly always a primary "love language" of most men from what I read & see.

So I don't think you'll go wrong affirming him & building him up either. As has been said, be yourself. If you cannot do that, then this relationship has no future any way. You would be miserable.

What you may discover is that this fellow may well respond to you in a positive way if it is a match for him too & he will be greatly impressed by your affirmation & admiration of him.

Have a great time,
High Flight

Good Luck tonight Faith!. I will be thinking of you!!

Relax and enjoy!

K.

Thank you, High Flight. Those are TRULY wonderful words.

More about "being myself"..... I want to be beyond myself ... ummm... my old self.... trying to break out of patterns from the past. That's why I'm here asking for insight that I must be missing.... or perspectives from all of you. Wondering if I have set my standards too low - thinking that I am not worthy of this type of guy (someone like YOU, HighFlight) - or for whatever reason, I am not ATTRACTING this type of guy.... and I have been working to figure out how to change this. I am ME, and I want to be MYSELF, but what I'm seeking is improvement, raising the bar for what I want for my life and my life-partner, and trying to examine patterns (including a 1st date - 1st impression!) to achieve those things.

I'm not trying to put that much weight... that much pressure on this... or on myself... I'm not trying to put on a show or anything. Just wanted some tips, and a different way of thinking.

Thanks Karona! I will keep you posted.

Faith --
Quick story for you. My girlfriend works in a small office.

When I talked to her during the day, her boss would overhear and chime into our conversations. Pretty soon, when I called he would get on the phone instead of her, and he and I would joke and talk forever! He was really funny and kinda cocky. We would spend so much time on the phone laughing that my cheeks hurt! Eventually we decided to meet for cocktails.

It was as if a completely different person showed up to meet me. He was subdued, quiet, super polite. Not that he wasn't still a nice guy -- but everything that had attracted me to him was gone.

Needless to say -- I had no interest in seeing him again. Things were ackward for awhile when I talked to my girlfriend. Eventually I talked to him...later he asked me what went wrong between us, and I told him exactly what I explained above. He told me that he felt intimidated and he was nervous. Now we're back to laughing and joking!

So my advice to you is to relax. Be 100% yourself.
Its all in your attitude -- don't be so heavily invested into this one date that you make yourself nervous. Go for fun, go just to get to know someone new. If it works - fine. If it doesn't -- on to the next!

GO FAITH!

Gotcha! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I think this is an interesting question and I have been thinking on it for a bit.

What does one need to do in order to "raise the bar"? Here are a few thoughts I've come up with...

Self Esteem

I think many people with self esteem issues purposely set the bar low because they don't believe they deserve any better. Or, as has been in my case, I set the bar low because I hope the other will be so greatful to have me, they wouldn't ever leave me. Before you can truly raise the bar, you need to feel good about yourself. And in order to feel good about yourself, you need to live your life in a manner that allows you to feel good about yourself. Do good things, be a good person, and then remind yourself that you are. Make a difference with your life. Contribute. Accomplish. That's where self esteem is found.


Offer a lot

I think that in order to attract someone who has a lot to offer, you need to have a lot to offer yourself. What does that mean? Some of what you have to offer is inherent like beauty or intelligence. Not much you can change about that. You either got it, or you don't. But you can improve yourself in other areas of your life. Enrich yourself, become a fuller person. Live life passionately!! That's attractive!


Be Noticed

The most common way for women to be noticed is through their appearance. Guys are just visual creatures. But, I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new. So, what if you're not a super model? Flirt! Flirting is just the art of making someone feel good about themself. It's a compliment given with humor and sexual inuendo. For us shy types, it means moving out of our comfort zone. It means taking the time to notice what is unique and different about the other person and complimenting them on that. Make someone feel good about theirself and I guarantee you'll be noticed.

Ok... enough pontificating... Just some thoughts... I'm sure there are more...

Some more thoughts.... these are all really interelated...

Confidence

Confidence is really important for guys. But it's important for women too. Someone who is sure of themselves is attractive in either gender.


Giver/Taker

Your GIVER and TAKER should be very balanced. Raising the bar means being in a relationship of equals. What is best for you shouldn't take precedent over what is best for the other person and vice versa.


Challenge

Be a challenge to the other person. Don't 'give it all away' without expecting value in return. Something that is earned is often held more valuable than something that was given for free.

awesome.... feel free to keep going...