Probably this is addressed in the literature, but help me out here...

Hypothetically, if a husband strays from marriage, why are we exposing the OW to their spouse? To clarify my question (after learning from earlier threads that we sometimes don't ask the question we really want answered...) Why would I want my spouse back if the only reason he comes back to me is because I've put so much pressure on his A that they split and now he's lonely? Wasn't his choice of OW just a matter of luck and/or circumstance? If I remove this current OP, what is to say that I won't be starting a cycle where I spend the rest of my life beating off potential OP's? Unless WS comes to the conclusion on his own, I'm just enforcing fidelity, but he hasn't truly accepted ownership of it. Now, I can see exposing the A to the friends/family of OP, but mostly just so I can screw their life up as badly as mine is, but I want H to come back EVEN IF OP is still readily available to him. Asking too much, I suppose? Thanks!

Exposure is recommended for 2 key reasons. First off, the OP's spouse needs to know so she/he can protect herself from her spouse.

And secondly, exposure puts great pressure on the affair to end. Now, fidelity cannot be "forced," in a free country. But, you are correct in that unless the problem that led to the adultery in the first place is resolved, it might happen again.

However, most of the WS's we see here cheat, not as a matter of character, but as an aberration of character. So once the affair is effectively ended, they usually don't do it again. Even so, the problems that led to the affair in the first place must be addressed in to repair the marriage.


No, the point is not to screw up anyone's life, the OP is doing that on her own, but to hasten the end of the affair and, hopefully, save the marriage.

Thanks ML! I was following the thread with Racer earlier, and I must be feeling too self absorbed still to accept this. I really still don't care ONE BIT about the OP: she could live or die, without me batting an eyelash. H and I are not intimate, so no worries for me to catch an STD, so I don't care about her, or even if she's married, or if she's a swinger, or a prostitute. I have no allegiance to any potential spouse of OP, so I wouldn't waste my time talking to them. For the sake of argument, if my H is having an A with a married woman, and this OP's spouse contacted me to tell me about the A, I'm not sure how I would react. Right now it's not about any of them: it's about Me, My two young children, MY LIFE. Sorry, if my WS's OP's H (boy, that's a mouthful) contacted me, the only advice I'd give him is: If you're still having sex with your wife, I'd recommend you start using protection. At least that way, if she turns up pregnant, you know it's not yours. Then I'd say something like: What do you want ME to do about it? I'm not married to you! Talk to your GD Wife!
ML, maybe you were able to recover faster b/c you WANTED your M back. (Don't know your story, so I can't really say for sure!) I don't want to start any "Plans" that include H until he comes back on his own accord. Maybe I'll soften my opinion as time goes on, but forgiveness is not my strong suit.

IM, I am sort of like you in that pursuit. I wasn't in the least interested in taking my H back after I found out about the affair. I gave him the boot to the curb and even after I let him come back I felt nothing but revulsion for quite some time.

And I don't think most care about the OP, but they are rightfully angry at someone who has intruded in their marriage. That only makes sense.

I don't understand why you would tell the OP spouse to "What do you want ME to do about it? I'm not married to you! Talk to your GD Wife!" That does not make sense. He has information about your marriage to which you have a RIGHT, why in the world would you want to stick your head in the sand? You have a RIGHT to know what your spouse does, just as the spouse of your H's OP has a right to know. That is a most strange reaction.

Hi imanother,

Good to meet you.

Q: If you don't want him back, why are you here?

Just D him ASAP.

Or.... did I miss something?

I wish my W's OM was married.

-AD

Hi Imanother, I'm an FWW. My H exposed to the OM's spouse after the A was over but when I was very definitely going to contact him again. I was one of those who went back (although I never left physically) to my marriage because the OM wouldn't leave his wife.

I can assure you that the exposure put an end to everything. There was no way I was going to contact the OM after his wife knew, and there was no way the OM was going to contact me. It worked on all levels.

It was a total wake up call if you like. A hard dose of reality coming into the foggy crap that was the A.

Jen

This is a bit of topic:

One of my friends once told me how she and her H (they are both Christian and professional psychologists/counselors - she is in the 40's and he in the 50's) one day discussed the topic of betrayal and infidelity in M. She said to her H that should he ever make a mistake, stray and have an A, he must just not tell her about it - that she wouldn't want to know about it... She trust her H and she knows he is someone who will probably never stray and betray her, but it’s just interesting that she feels that should it ever happen, she'll prefer not to know about it… Me and my H know both of them for a long time now and they are both people of high integrity etc. and not the type of people who will put their head’s in the sand during difficult circumstances, so this remark was just really very strange coming from her…

Just wanted to share this,
Suzet

Hi all! Very good observations. ML, you are correct..I didn't mean that I wanted to stick my head in the sand. I was writing from the perspective of someone who knows. If someone came to me out of the blue and told me my H was having an A with their W, I would probably says something like, "Thanks for telling me, I know you are going through a lot of pain and I appreciate you sharing with me so I can protect myself. However, I'm probably going to make the A easier, since I'm kicking H out now." I just don't want to accept any resposibility to do something to my H that will help OP's spouse in their quest. Again, it's about me and my kids now.

AD... honestly, I'm here to figure out what I want to do, and "try on" different attitudes without taking action until I'm comfortable with my approach. Plus, there are folks here who are just going for the big-D, and I think there is support for them, too.

In a nutshell, I don't want to stick my head in the sand right now. I just want to "shrink my universe" so it only includes what I need to do for what is left of nuclear family. Maybe after my house is back in order, I can get out to the OP and their nucleus.

Thanks again to all for good points!