[moved from "why women leave men", following advice]
Dear all
I suppose that all cases are different, but shall try to tell you about mine. I am desperate for help.
My wife, after nine years together and two adopted kids, says she no longer loves me and does not leave because she fears I will not let her take the kids (or for want of anyone better).
This is not the first time it happens; it has happened a couple of times before, but her family and I persuaded her to seek psychiatric help and things got solved. This time it has not worked, although a psychiatrist did find she had a major depression, but six months later things have not changed. I found out when I tried to ask her if she ever intended to have sex again. She has had a number of psychiatric problems, which have improved with treatment.
She says she does not have anything specific against me; it's just "not there anymore". She has small signs of affection towards me, but always when asked, and hints that she does so in order to help me put up with the situation.
Of course, she will not take any counseling (which, I am sure, would solve things very quickly, for there must be things she would like me to change). But she refuses to take any counseling, saying "it's not you, it's me". In fact, she refuses to disclose the matter to anyone, even her family, because she says that in the past everyone has talked her out of it. In my opinion, one of the problems is that she has not matured enough, for she says "she does not feel the same as before". Who does?
To make matters worse, she harbors a slight infatuation with a teacher of hers (she is a PhD student), which I am sure that chronologically has developed later, i.e. she was in trouble, he was (or appeared to be) in trouble, she has begun phantasising about loving him. He is either very discreet or uninterested.
It would be easy to give vent to anger and just drop the whole thing, for over all these years I have done everything she wanted me to (and this is not a personal view; her family thoroughly agrees), but there is one small problem: some men, like me, are b****s for punishment, and I love her in spite of all.
I hope that when she sees her psychiatrist he'll try to confront her with the situation (she has not told him that as far as our relationship is concerned nothing has improved), but in the meantime, any ideas are welcome. I have endeavored to read most threads, and will start by leaving messages in her shoes.
If you cannot help me, just thanks for reading this; one of my greater problems is that I am extremely desperate, on edge, and the more I write or tell people, the less likely I will be to react against her and lose any chance of solution there might be.
Incidentally, last night I told her I was obsessed with her intending to leave me for her teacher. The response I got:
(a) no, no, never in a million years, etc. (which obviously is a lie; I do have evidence of her intentions, which I shall not discuss here, but it is not subject to doubt)
(b) my "paranoia", as she calls it (a word I also use myself, because I don't want her to know that I know) is making her feel worse, unable to complete her PhD, not allowing her to sleep, etc.
c) she says she has no intention whatsoever of leaving (which might be true, technically, because I fear that when she says these things she believes them, and that's not lying), and that things might get better with time (what is better? Being husband and wife again? I do not mind how long, but what is somebody else appears?)
d) she has managed to reverse the situation into "I have been raised to feel guilty about everything", which might be true, but honestly speaking, if you do not call it "guilty", you may call it "responsible". We cannot expect to do things and then not accept the consequences.
e) this morning she has told me that she has slept very badly, has been unable to get up early to work on her PhD, and has again asked me not to mention "the subject".
The only positive thing I got from her yesterday was a couple of hugs, drinking a few cans together, and a few passing remarks about my changing what she dislikes about me only when she threatens with leaving. (this was, incidentally, when I told her that one of our mistakes was not discussing once in a while what we do not like about one another, and it was then when she said "What for? You would not. You only do when you see yourself on the verge of the abyss"). Some of you might wonder: "what's positive about this?" I see it is positive in that there might be a positive reason for her falling out of love, instead of the simple "it's just not there" that she repeats like a mantra, and if there is something specific, it is something you can fight to improve.
As you can see, I have to be extremely careful with what I say, or I am being blackmailed into not saying anything, although God knows what the final purpose is.
What I really think would help is my seeking some kind of help in the shape of tranquilizers and/or antidepressants (of course, as prescribed by a physician), because my being on edge does not help things, and it is beginning to ruin my so far perfect health (constant muscular and stomach ache, nightmares, tachycardia, anxiety crisis, etc.).
Morning, all (it is 10 am here).
Last edited by acrosstheocean; 08/17/05 03:21 AM.
