This is my first thread. I've been reading since January. In February I told my WS to stop the A. Contact continues even today. I've been doing a good job of meeting his needs during this plan A,even if I say so myself. I'm getting so impatient!! I'm trying to stay calm, pleasant, and give him space. My desire to see our marraige survive feels like it is fading quickly. If he decided to stay and commit, I'm not sure I would be excited. I have no trust.

His A was with someone who portrayed herself as my "best friend." Their A was going on while I entertained her and her husband and children in my home almost every weekend for months. My husband and her were very good at keeping they're feelings hidden. The betrayel on both their parts hurts so much. She would talk to my husband and I about her unhappy marraige...my husband would even give her advice on how to communicate. When I wasn't around, I guess that's when my husband told her that he was unhappy too. They both agreed they could be happier......you can guess the rest.

Any way...my therapist says hang in there for 6 months, or as long as you can.

My husband does seem like a "crazed" person.

In order to continue to afford our home my husband has STRONGLY suggested I get a job. This summer I took (3)courses at a local college to prepare for a Masters of Education program. I'm on a two week break presently. Now he suggests that while I attend night school I substitute teach during the day. I do ALL house work, food prep, laundry, bills, kids schedules etc.

If he decides to leave....isn't it a disadvantage to have begun to work after having stayed home and raised my kids (10) and (13) for the last 13 years? But I want to be supportive....I'm frustrated.

His big complaint is I wasn't a full participating partner in our marraige, so now he'll be so upset, it will really tick him off if I don't work during the day.

Let us get this straight.

You H is continuing a PA with your "best friend", still living in your home, and is demanding that YOU get a job??

You say contact continues, but then say the A WAS with, and WAS going on while you entertained them in your house. (a little confusing here)

I would tell this cake eating fence sitter that NOTHING will go foward until all contact stops with your "best friend". SPECIALLY YOU GETTING A JOB, on top of all you do now!

The OW's H knows about the A?? Have you exposed to all that you can?

It sounds like he is setting you up to work and support yourself, so when he splits you will have an income and he may not have to pay so much alimony!!!

Do not believe a word he says nor agree with any scheme he comes up with while he is in this "crazed" state of mind.

You have been Plan Aing since February? Sounds like it may be time to move to plan B to knock him off the fence.

He enjoys this and has the best of both worlds. Does he tell you he is sorry, but soooo confused? Or does he blatantly carry on with her with no regard or respect for you?

Might be time to change tactics. Let more MB vets address this and keep posting here.

Stay strong and take care of your health.

k

Wow, great advice by Krusht and all I can say is "ditto"! Be strong!

Wow, Thanks for responding. Yeah, the A continues, and I used the wrong verb tense "was." I'm concerned too that I may be being "set-up" to support myself. You're probably right about not doing anything else. I haven't been real tough, I guess. I want him back so bad. We have two boys.

The other H has asked my H to stop contact, so yes, he knows.

I've told my in-laws (who are very supportive of me,) my folks, my siblings, one of his brothers and my best girl friends(5 of them.) Our local gossip community has talked about this A or attraction or whatever it is for the last 2 years.

Thanks for the encouragement. I feel strong, I'm attractive, I've lost weight, and feel good about myself. He is sorry and says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore but won't stop contact. He claims they just "speak on the phone".......whatever, it's contact. He says I still love you but I'm not in love with you I'm in love with her.

Thankfully he does see a therapist now, and says he needs to work on himself right now and find out what's best for him and how he got here.

My therapist strongly suggests staying in plan A as long as I can.

My H isn't as angry as he was a month ago, so it does seem better between us. He was affectionate lately, which is a break from his icy cold self. He still likes sex, says I love you, and kisses me goodbye. Obviously he is comfortable dictating the pace of how close we get and how often. He doesn't like me to initiate too much....it scares him away.

My H did try to leave but found he couldn't. Something made him stay. I haven't wanted to point that out to him like "look at you, you weakling, you stayed, looks like I'm more important than you think." Instead I just didn't respond to it. He's like a child trying to run away from home my therapist says.

Thanks for responding, it's so nice to have support like this!!

You may want to start posting in the general questions section. More MB'rs tend to congregate there.

k