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Post deleted by johnalone
BH-me-31
WW-28
M:2,5
before M:1
no kids
D-day:May-2005
Recovery:?
johnalone@mail.com
English is not my mother tongue
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Joined: Dec 2004
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john, I'm sorry you are in the situation, and I am very glad you decided to post here at MB. Do you know much about the OM (other man)? Is he married? I am glad the two of you are seeing individual counselors. You might consider also seeking out marriage counseling as a couple. Some recommended reading material for you both: Surviving an Affair His Needs, Her Needs You might also find the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, found here at this site, a very helpful tool. Here are some links for both you and your W that might have some further information. Take care, Froz WAT's Quickstart Guide for Betrayed Spouses Toolkit for the Wayward Spouse
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hello frozen,
OM is single 1 year younger than my wife 27 years old and U.S isn't his home country also. He was a new comer when he first came to U.S. and met to my wife.
Thank you for the links.
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John, can you put a key logger on her computer to make sure that contact has truly ended?
I think frozen gave you some excellent suggestions for reading material. You should know that it will take a year or more to recover from this. As long as she has truly ended contact, though, you are on the right track.
This won't go away over night, John, it is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit.
However, it will be important for your wife to understand why this happened so it doesn't happen again. But if you work on your marriage, it can be better than it was before. Hopefully, she understands that she needs to take steps to affair proof your marriage so this doesn't happpen again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just one thing that I noticed...
You should be working very hard right now to win your wife back by eliminating "lovebusters" and minimizing talk about your relationship outside of counseling. Alot of the things you are doing are not necessarily wrong, but they are making it unpleasant for your wife to be around you.
You should continue monitoring her communications to stay up on what's happening. You have a definite advantage...you are present, he is not. You should make it clear that "no contact" with this man will be necessary for your relationship to survive. She of course should know that contact with this man is hurtful to you and your marriage, and continued contact may ultimately result in your filing for divorce, but you shouldn't beat or threaten her with this message continually.
Set a time limit on how long you will "Plan A" - You will read about it in the books that have been recommended to you. Dr. Harley recommends 6 months for women.
Low
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Hello Melodylane,
There was a keylogger on her computer but I suspect that she discovered it. And I'm very tired of trying to catch her lie (if she still lies).
BH-me-31
WW-28
M:2,5
before M:1
no kids
D-day:May-2005
Recovery:?
johnalone@mail.com
English is not my mother tongue
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Hello Loworbit,
I clearly told her that if she talks again with this guy this marriage will end.
Every 2-3 weeks I begin to feel very bad and I argue with her about divorce. I tell her that I don't want to hurt her but I'm hurt and this is the worst thing she could do to me.
I really am not sure that I really love her as in old days.
But this situation really distracts me and I don't know much about my feelings.
Last edited by johnalone; 08/17/05 08:15 AM.
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John, are you certain the affair has ended? Secondly, Loworbit is correct, it is real important that you not fight with your W or push her away with lovebusters. I know you are hurting, but she has become detached to you, hence this affair, and you should be doing things to attract her back. Here is a definition of lovebusters, these are things that erode her love for you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.htmlHow to survive infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Every 2-3 weeks I begin to feel very bad and I argue with her about divorce. You have to stop this. It's also a little too frequent. You are not attractive to her when you behave like this. Your job right now is to become MORE attractive to her than the OM. I really am not sure that I really love her as in old days. You're talking about your feelings here. Everyone goes through cycles in their marriage where you don't feel love in the same way you used to. You are married to this woman. If you are committed to making this marriage work, you'll act in loving ways toward your wife. I know it's hard, but right now, you have to love with your head...not your heart. Your heart will follow later. Low
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Mel,
Based on what he has told us, I would surmise that the affair has NOT ended, as she is finding ways on maintaining contact. That's why I think his only successful approach will be a purposful Plan A at this point.
I think his chances of success are good because she isn't having physical contact with this guy.
Low
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I've forgot to tell that she told me that she never contacted him again. She called him once to tell him not to talk about this adventure to any one else. This was just after I found out about the OM.
BH-me-31
WW-28
M:2,5
before M:1
no kids
D-day:May-2005
Recovery:?
johnalone@mail.com
English is not my mother tongue
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I agree, Loworbit, that is why I was hoping he was watching her computer activity. It doesn't sound to me like it is over. And he is only fueling the fire by fighting with her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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she's now trying to change my look, I think that she loves me in some way but she doesn't desire me.
It's sad
BH-me-31
WW-28
M:2,5
before M:1
no kids
D-day:May-2005
Recovery:?
johnalone@mail.com
English is not my mother tongue
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Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
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She may desire you now, or she may not. That is something that can change, so try not to let it get you down. Just learn her Emotional Needs (from the questionnaire I mentioned previously) and learn how to fill them. Marriage Builders teaches the following principle: As soon as I realized that a large Love Bank balance triggered the feeling of love, I went to work trying to discover what spouses could do for each other that would make the largest Love Bank deposits. "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?" was the question I would ask every couple that I counseled.
The very question I was asking focused on a core issue in marriage -- the issue of care. I could have asked the question, "How would you like your spouse to care for you?" and I would have obtained a similar answer. As it turns out, care in marriage is doing what it takes to make each other happy.
When you were married, you and your spouse both promised to care for each other, and you expected that care from each other. You were in love, and you were highly motivated to make each other happy. But it might not have occurred to you at the time that if you didn't care for each other the right way, you might lose your love for each other. And along with your loss of love, you might lose your willingness to care for each other.
At the time, you probably did not know what caring for each other the right way meant. You thought that your commitment to care for each other would be sufficient to sustain your love. And today, you might still be in the dark as to what it takes to care for each other the right way.
If that's the case, let me explain to you what care in marriage is: To care the right way, you must make large Love Bank deposits. And I've found that the best way to make those deposits is to meet each other's most important emotional needs.
What is an emotional need? It is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. There are probably thousands of emotional needs. A need for birthday parties, peanut butter sandwiches, Monday Night Football, I could go on and on. Some have them, some don't. If you feel good doing something, or when someone does something for you, it's meeting an emotional need.
But not all emotional needs are created equally. When some are met, you may only feel comfortable--they make small Love Bank deposits. There are others, however, that can make you feel downright euphoric when met. In fact they make you so happy that you're likely to fall in love with the person that meets them. I call those our most important emotional needs because, when met, they make the largest Love Bank deposits of all. And those are the very same emotional needs that a husband and wife expect each other to meet in marriage. You can find more information by clicking on the Basic Concepts link here at this site. Hang in there, Froz
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