My wife and I have been together for 13 years and married for almost 10. She had an affair 8 years ago but all was forgiven by me until 3 years ago when she came very close to having another affair. I found out about it early enough to squash it before it got out of hand. It still hurt though. We never really dealt with any of this it became like a big dark secret. 3 years ago My wife and I started a business...we were working together and life at home became very different. She was distant, non-affectionate and showed no interest in me what so ever. Sex was like an obligation for her if it happened at all. This went on for approx. 1 1/2 years then last fall I felt I needed something different...something that was missing. I had met someone through work who was funny, attentive, and appeared to care for me though I still held back knowing that it was wrong. Then my wife and I had a fight one Friday night as I was getting ready to go to hunting camp for the weekend ( an annual trip planned well in advance). She became very agitated with me as I was packing and demanded that I not go. I told her that it was planned and that I was going regardless. She told me that if I went the doors would be locked when I got home and my stuff would be on the deck. She became violent and threw things and I just left. I was a mess because I felt guilty but also felt that I needed to go. Very confusing moments. I called the Other woman and vented for a long time I was so angry and hurt. My emotional needs had not been met for so long and I had lost hope. I made what I now believe was the worst decision of my life. I proceeded to have an affair. God I wish I could go back and change that. My wife begged me to come home...and the more she pushed the more I pushed back. THe affair continued but I wasn't happy and when ever I was with her I was thinking about my wife and children. I ended it after a couple of months. Then in February I agreed to come home and work on my marriage. I went through the widthdrawal although at the time I didn't know that was what I was going through. I stayed for about 6 weeks and then told my wife that I just didn't know if we could ever go back. She was so hurt and angry...she packed up the kids and attempted to drive them across country while I was at work. Telling me they were never comming home. I Paniced and got lawyers and police involved only to find out that her step father had died and she was only going to a funeral. What a mess...the beginnings of a pretty nasty Divorce ensued untill about 3-4 months ago. I went to her and asked her to forgive me and let me try to compensate for what I had done. She was still showing interest in getting back together and agreed to try working on things. About a week later I discovered her having an affair of her own ( I walked in on them) while she had agreed to work on our marriage. I was enraged but feeling like I was a hippocrite at the same time. She is still seeing him and telling me she loves me, wants to believe me and wants the family together but just doesn't know if she can forgive or get over the resentment. I have the house and kids everyweekend and she stays with friends (my guess is him). We had an agreement that she would make a decision with in 6 weeks that is up in 7 days and she appears to be no closer to making up her mind. I became the person I despise and now want to make it right I love her so much and want to be woth her but everything I do seems to make no difference. I guess I am just looking for some direction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Luckily you have found us in time, because it seems like you are in a real mess. Start in Plan A. You can read all about it here.

Is the other man married?

Seeking,

Marriage Counseling BIG TIME! That third party will help with the communication between you two.

But what a hill to climb!!

""About a week later I discovered her having an affair of her own ( I walked in on them) while she had agreed to work on our marriage.""

I have daydreamed about walking in on my FWW and OM and what I would do, and say, etc., but can not even imagine what that would be like in reality.

Do you just walk out? Or yell and scream? Or beat the snot out of him??

My heart goes out to you.

No Contact must happen before all else.

k

HI seeking, welcome.

It gets so complicated when there are two A's involved. I know cause I had one, and 6 months into our recovery, H had one.

If she REALLY wants to make this work, the same rules apply to her as you - NC for either of your OP's. She has to be committed to the marriage, and can't be if she has a back up on the side. Same goes for you - whenever you are tempted to look for comfort outside the marriage during these rough times, restrain yourself.

You guys gotta get into councelling asap to help get through the huge communication boundaries I see in front of you. K is right that they will help the communication between the two of you.

Start reading up on MB principals and buy the books. You can start using and implementing them, even if you had you A first, you are still a BS as well, and you want the marriage to work. Start using those tools.

Hang in there.

Do NOT do Plan B at this time.
Read my reply in your other post.

THank you all for the advice...I have been working plan a for approx 2-3 mths. THings have been better the past few weeks although she is still seeing him. he was there for dinner 2 nights ago. She called me ahead of time to tell me and then called me once he had gone to say goodnight. She tells me she just doesn't know what she wants and doesn't want to be pushed into a decision. She spends most every weekend with him and will most likely spend this weekend as well. How do I get her to stop and have no contact. I have asked her numerous times about counseling and she agrees that it is a good idea but refuses to go until she figures out what she really wants. What does that mean...what she wants? it is simple for me she either wants to put our marriage back together and make it stronger or she wants to end it. what she is doing right now is confusing for all of us and is hurting the kids.

To answer the question regarding what I did when I walked in...I lost it completely I was hysterical. I asked her how she could do this after just that morning telling me that she wanted to work on things then I just left. SHe actually called me about an hour later and had the nerve to tell me that he wouldn't spend the night because I had made him feel so uncomfortable and that he probably would never see her or come over again because of what I had done. I just said GOOD! and hung up. that was 4 months ago.

Thank you again for your support...I want so much to win her over again and put my marriage back together.

R.

Hey all,

Having a very hard time dealing with all of this today...ww had me come to house to watch kids for a couple of hours last night so she could go to store. I went to the house and she acts like nothing is wrong accept she is distant. She calls a couple of times and one of them she says how she is tired and her back and feet hurt. I tell her that when she comes home if she is up to is well have a glass of wine do a hot tub and I would rub her back. She acts like she doesn't know if she wants to and we get cut off. She text messages me to say we'll talk when she gets home. she shows up 3 hours later and comes in to the house again like nothing is wrong...I am trying hard not to act that way myself. SHe sits on the couch next to me and we watch tv. I ask if she wants a foot rub and she says yes. we watch tv for about an hour and I get up to go have a smoke. she joins me and says that she is tired and wants to put kids to bed and go to sleep I gather my things and go. about an hour later she calls to say goodnight but the conversation continues like she doesn't wnat to get off the phone. We finally say goodnight and I go to bed feeling good. THins morning I don't call her I wait to see if she will call. she does but is looking for money to pay bills. I tell her that as soon as I get my check we will take care of it.

All of this is after the OM had dinner with her and my kids 2 nights ago. She called me after that and then called him after she spoke to me to say goodnight. I have spoken to her mother who is very supportive of us getting back together. Her mother believes that she is just affraid of telling him that she wants to work on our marriage. She tells me she just can't make a decision on what she wants (me or him) that she doesn't want to get hurt again. Her mother tells me that she is afraid of hurting him and afraid of hurting me. But her mother also believes (she has spoke to OM) that he doesn't want to get into the middle of this and doesn't want to be the reason a family breaks up and that he will probably eventually back off on his own. Should I contact OM and ask him to leave us alone to back off and let us see where we can go with our marriage. He continues to buy my kids gifts (CD's and concert tickets that he takes WS and my kids to) How do I react to that. I feel like she is slowly comming back but then he does something or comes around and we are right back to square one. WHat do I say or do to get him out of the Picture and in a NC State? What do I do as my WS has been telling me she doesn't know if she wants to try? How do I ask her to not have any contact with OM?

Lots of things on my mind today...thank you in advance for listening.

R.

believer,

no the other man is not married actually divorced from a divorce attorney ironically. He is much older than my WS as well she is 28 he is 41.

R.

Please start Plan A. Also I would not babysit so that she can spend time with him. She will lose her respect for you. Hopefully some experts will chime in here.

The arrangement right now is that I have the house and kids on weekends and she has it monday through friday. She sometimes spends a weekend here and there at home but mostly away. She is going away this weekend as well. How do I handle that. Also...she doesn't ask me to watch the kids so she can go see him...tells me that she is going shopping. I want to believe that she is and the last few times she has actually come home with stuff and the time laps was right but I still don't know for sure should I be asking her outright if she is seeing him during those times. She becomes very agitated everytime I question her about him. In addition she is planning on going away this weekend...I have to assume she is spending the weekend with him as she has in the past. How do I know for sure and how do I handle it?

R. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the long post...I am reposting the previous 2 posts again after this short message with some questions in hopes of a response today. Same questions still wander through my head. I had dinner with her lastnight and we had a great time but she is still going away for the weekend (read posts below) which makes it hard for me to enjoy the time I have with her. I am working my plan A but I am affraid I am missing something. THe A has been exposed to family and friends (actually one friend who now doesn't talk to her because WS is "thinking" about ending affair working on marriage). She really isn't hiding the affair at all. But the OM works as a DJ for a local Radio Sta. and his friends and co-workers are none the wiser. I have not spoken to him at all through this but I am considering calling him in hopes it will get him to back off. Is this a good Idea?...my fear is that it will get back to her and have the opposite affect. My mother in-law has also offered to speak with him and ask him the same. I want her to be at home with me on the weekends not out being single and running around with him. Any way the posts are below...thank you in advance for your support.

Having a very hard time dealing with all of this today...ww had me come to house to watch kids for a couple of hours last night so she could go to store. I went to the house and she acts like nothing is wrong accept she is distant. She calls a couple of times and one of them she says how she is tired and her back and feet hurt. I tell her that when she comes home if she is up to is well have a glass of wine do a hot tub and I would rub her back. She acts like she doesn't know if she wants to and we get cut off. She text messages me to say we'll talk when she gets home. she shows up 3 hours later and comes in to the house again like nothing is wrong...I am trying hard not to act that way myself. SHe sits on the couch next to me and we watch tv. I ask if she wants a foot rub and she says yes. we watch tv for about an hour and I get up to go have a smoke. she joins me and says that she is tired and wants to put kids to bed and go to sleep I gather my things and go. about an hour later she calls to say goodnight but the conversation continues like she doesn't wnat to get off the phone. We finally say goodnight and I go to bed feeling good. THins morning I don't call her I wait to see if she will call. she does but is looking for money to pay bills. I tell her that as soon as I get my check we will take care of it.

All of this is after the OM had dinner with her and my kids 2 nights ago. She called me after that and then called him after she spoke to me to say goodnight. I have spoken to her mother who is very supportive of us getting back together. Her mother believes that she is just affraid of telling him that she wants to work on our marriage. She tells me she just can't make a decision on what she wants (me or him) that she doesn't want to get hurt again. Her mother tells me that she is afraid of hurting him and afraid of hurting me. But her mother also believes (she has spoke to OM) that he doesn't want to get into the middle of this and doesn't want to be the reason a family breaks up and that he will probably eventually back off on his own. Should I contact OM and ask him to leave us alone to back off and let us see where we can go with our marriage. He continues to buy my kids gifts (CD's and concert tickets that he takes WS and my kids to) How do I react to that. I feel like she is slowly comming back but then he does something or comes around and we are right back to square one. WHat do I say or do to get him out of the Picture and in a NC State? What do I do as my WS has been telling me she doesn't know if she wants to try? How do I ask her to not have any contact with OM?

Lots of things on my mind today...thank you in advance for listening.

R.

Post Extras:

Please help...really could use come advice today...please read my previous post. I don't know whether I should tell her that I think her going away 2 night for this weekend is not good for our marriage or not.

also wondering if I should contact the other man as part of the exposure???? Should I have my mother in law contact him (she has offered nad met him although she doesn't like what is going on she believes that he will back off)or just leave it alone for now??? SO Confused>>>>>>>>>>

so heres the scoop from the weekend...
Friday night she said she really didn't want to leave and wanted to stay home for the weekend but was going anyway. This just makes no sense to me at all. Based on a conversation with her best friend and her brother...I was under the impression that this was to be her last weekend with the OM. That she was taking this weekend to say goodbye. I am continuing Plan A hoping that I will be able to entice her to reconsider the marriage and was very hopeful. I made a point to tell her that evening that I was there for her if she needed me.. She responded to the Text message the next morning and said thank you that the message was very nice and she appreciated it. that she was on her way home. to pick up some stuff and was going out on a boat later that day. She showed up around 9:30am and stayed for an hour or so. We made small talk and when she was getting ready to go, I hugged her and told her I loved her. She responded with "I'm really missing being home with you all this weekend". I started to say something and she said "I know...I dont have to go" I said no you don't. she started to leave and I went over and hugged her again and gave her a kiss she said I will see you later. I asked if that meant she was comming home that night...she said she didn't know. she left. I sent another text later saying I miss u and love you and cant wait for you to get home. No response...I sent another text later on to tell her about our daughters sleep over going well (she hasn't slept over anywhere in over a year). She responded back saying that her phone was dying...she was happy that our daughter had done well and missed us all and would see us the next day. I didn't respond and didn't send any messages again. She didn't show up at home on Sunday until 4:00pm not a phone call or anything. I was a wreck all day...but still had hope that she might be sayig goodbye. When she got home we made dinner and chatted as a family. Then she got a phone call from a friend who is not at all supportive of us reconciling. She went and hid in her bedroom and talked. I hate the secrets...when she came down we had dinner and cleaned up she and I were sitting on the deck. I told her that I loved her more than anything in the world, that I am committed to changing the habits that we have fallen into that I am committed to our marriage and that I am asking her to commit to me...to take a chance at making a better life and marriage for all of us. I asked her to stop seeing the OM and focus on us. She brought up all of the bad stuff that has happened and then told me she didn't know if she could. I asked her to just try. She said tht she wasn't willing to end the A with the OM. I told her that as long as he was in the picture that there was nothing for us. she didn't respond. SHe said that she didn't know if she could ever forgive me or trust me again. I left it as I am committed and willing but I can not continue like this. That when she was ready to commit let me know. I started to put my stuff together and she asked to see my cell phone. She went through it to make sure that I was telling her the truth about who I have been talking to and that I have not had any contact with the OW from Last spring. I told her that I had nothing to hide and that she could see anything anytime to verify. That I expected that. I left and was a complete mess once again. My mother in law called and spoke to me about the situation and then called my wife. She called me back to say not to give up hope that my wife was going to get counseling in the next few days and that my wife had told her that she wants it to work but just to give it time. not to call or go over for a few days...I agreed and then as I was praying my wife called to say goodnight. we talked for almost an hour and she was very open. She eventually told me she was on overload and we would talk in the morning. I told her I loved her and said goodnight. 7:00am she called!!! I was so excited after not sleeping all night. I went and had coffee and we had a good 10 min. conversation. She seemed less widthdrawn and wen I left told her I loved her and gave her a hug and left.

Is this as confusing to you all as it is to me...I don't know what to do next. I love her and am scared to death to give up or even move to plan b, but I can not do another weekend like the last. It is too painful and is ripping me apart.

I appologize for the long post, I guess I just needed to vent but any advice on how to proceed is greatly appreciated.

R.

Sounds like you had a rough weekend. this could be just the beginning to a very long haul.

Have you had a chance to read through SAA yet? One of the things I noticed in your last post that tells me that you may not have is that you are still engaging in a lot of "I love you" and relationship talk.

This kind of talk makes it unpleasant for your wife to be around you right now. I know that you are scared and you want your wife to know that you get it and will change, but she's not at a place to hear that right now.

When you are around her, keep things upbeat and avoid lovebusters.

Exposing is not a lovebuster. Snooping is not a lovebuster. Setting firm boundaries about how her behavior affects the family is not a lovebuster. Making sure that she knows you will not be there forever if she chooses to continue the affair is ok. Also, don't shield her from seeing how this is affecting the kids, but don't make a point of using the kids to get your points across.

Otherwise, continue to show her that you are a strong, well-differentiated person who would be just fine without her (don't say it, show it).

Low

" Have you had a chance to read through SAA yet? One of the things I noticed in your last post that tells me that you may not have is that you are still engaging in a lot of "I love you" and relationship talk.This kind of talk makes it unpleasant for your wife to be around you right now. I know that you are scared and you want your wife to know that you get it and will change, but she's not at a place to hear that right now."

SAA? I have read just about everything on this site several times by now...what do you mean by SAA? I do become weak when she is around and I want so much for her to know that I love her and want to make this work. It is so hard to be there all weekend knowing that she is off building a relationship with someone else. I just want this to all end so that we can proceed with changing our lives together.



When you are around her, keep things upbeat and avoid lovebusters.

Exposing is not a lovebuster. Snooping is not a lovebuster. Setting firm boundaries about how her behavior affects the family is not a lovebuster. Making sure that she knows you will not be there forever if she chooses to continue the affair is ok. Also, don't shield her from seeing how this is affecting the kids, but don't make a point of using the kids to get your points across.

Thank you...I am trying so hard to do this but I am so afraid of making the same mistakes that Sometimes I dont do anything at all or go to the opposite extreme. I have printed out your advice adn am going to keep it in my pocket for a reminder when things get tough.

"Otherwise, continue to show her that you are a strong, well-differentiated person who would be just fine without her (don't say it, show it)."

Thank you so much for your support and advice. Heres to hope and making a good plan a successful. It is a good feeling to know that you have somewhere to turn when things get tough.

R.

Low,

THank you for the support advice and encouragement, it is nice to know that you have somewhere to turn when things get rough. What did you mean by SAA? I have read just about everything on here several times, so I probably have but would like to review it. You are right I am very scared and become weak when I start feeling that way so I resort to pleading and trying to make sure that she knows. It is so clear to me how much I love her and it is clear what I want and want to do to change in order to get it...so it makes it very confusing that she doesn't. I just wish things were different. I have printed your advice to keep in my wallet so that I can review it when I start feeling this way. hopefully it will keep me on the right track. THank you again...

R.

so the saga continues...I had a conversation today with WS friend. Asked her opinion about why my ws would be looking at houses all day sunday with OM. She said that she was certain that WS was breaking off the A this past weekend and thought she would probably do it today. But sad that she would see what she could figure out. I received a phone call from my wife shortly there after. She was infuriated that I had spoken to the friend and told me that she wanted her life to remain private and that this makes it so that she cant wait for Divorce. I responded by saying that I am committed to our marriage and that I care enough about it to seek support from everyone I can. She responded by saying that it is her family and friends and that I have no right to involve them. that if this is the way it will be then I can have them. That she doesn't want them or me. that this is why she never wants me ever again. She hung up on me...she called back while I was talking to her friend...I took the call. She was equally upset and asked me to watch the kids the next morning so that she could go to a Dr's appt. I told her I would get back to her...she immediately started attacking me again about talking to her mom, brother grandmother etc...I again told her that I was committed to doing what ever I could to support my marriage and family. She said have a nice life and hung up on me again. I called her back and she said that it needed to be about the kids or she was hanging up...I was able to tell her that I would have a nice life...with her when she was ready.

I guess my question is did I handle this ok...I am so tempted to call her back and try to calm her down. Have I pushed her away completly with this exposure? Help...what do I do now????

R.

just hoping someone will respond...