Just read in another post a Question about how long you wait/cater to a fence sitter. Can anyone answer that question?

R.

OM was at my home last night supposedly for dinner...I didn't sleep at all. Went by house at 1:00am and saw him there. Just made things tougher. THis am I got up and got ready for work. I have to drive by my home on my way. He was still there at 6:30am. I pulled into a tur around down the street to regain composure and waited for him to leave so that I could see whe he had left. Why I don't know. When he went by I pulled out behind him but had no intentios of following him. He stopped in the middle of the road and got out of his Vehicle came back to me and said "do you have a problem?" I said "no...do you?" He said "stop stalking me" I said I wasn't I'm on my way to work. He said I'm not your problem but your gonna be mine. I said Do you have a problem? I am on my way to work can you please move. He got back into his vehicle I went out around him. I stopped at the store down the street to get a coffee. what a mess...I called my SIL and told her what had happened and she said she would call my wife and talk to her. apparently while she was on the phone with SIL OM called and told her that I was stalking him and that I had turned around and was headed to the house. (not true) My SIL told me that she asked my wife if she wanted her marriage or not. WS said she didn't know that I had changed superficially but for how long? Then she found out about the confrontation and was enraged and ended conversation with SIL.

I didn't hear anything for awhile but got a text from WS that Read:

WS: YOuve lost your mind stop with the threats and harrassment youve gone too far this time. You need to understand that actions have consequenses.

ME: I havent done anything & I'm not harrassing anyone ant I most certainly didn't threaten anyone.

WS: YOu left threatening messages and followed OM this am also leave my family alone

ME: I didnt follow OM, I pulled over to compose myself and called people for support. I started to leave before I saw OM (this is true). I was going to work He was the one who stopped in the middle of the road. I was not following him. If I wanted to cause a problem I would have come over last night.

WS: You Threatened OM On Vmail Now police will be involved. You don't think and end up digging yourself deeper You were also stalking.

ME: What messages...I was talking to your brother about my feelings and asking for his support. I was not stalking.


I am such a wreck today did I blow it here...should I just give up? Please help me...really have no desire to go on after this.

Another Text received:

WS: you are stalking when you sit down the street and watch the house. What about following OM? This is between you and I Not OM.

Me:I wasn't watching the house I couldn't even see it from where I was. I was not following OM I was going to work. I know this is about you and I. It still hurts that you are seeing OM. And it confuses things, you and the kids. WS I love you and am willing and ready when you are willing. THere is nothing more I can do.

LOL...it's been between you, her, and OM ever since she brought him into the picture. She's simply trying to draw a line where there isn't one.

I am not one of the 'experts' here, and I really don't know what advice to give you at this point. My situation was a lot different from yours friend, but I do hope that things work out well for you!

She says I've gone too far this time...does she mean that have I really gone too far. SHould I just give up???

Do I understand this correctly, this is your home where he is spending the night with your wife in front of your children? Who has gone too far? That's just crazy.

Since they're threatening legal action, speak to your attorney about your rights concerning your children, property and stalking. I hate to say this but the fact that you were following him does look bad but do they really want a police record of an affair with a married woman in front of her children? I think not.

Have you considered that you've Plan A'ed too long? I don't know the particulars so I'm just throwing that out there. If they're blatantly flaunting the affair and threatening you, she has no intentions of changing the situation. It might be time to reevaluate your plans.

Don't torture yourself by going by the home when you know what is going on. You need an attorney badly.

OH POPPY [censored] THAT YOU ARE STALKING HIM OR ANYONE ELSE..DON'T YOU DARE DARE DARE GO BELLY UP WITH STUPID IDIOTIC RANTINGS OF WOMAN WHO WANTS TO HAVE HER BOYFRIEND WHILE MARRIED SPEND THE NIGHT IN YOUR YOUR YOUR HOME WHILE THE KIDS ARE THERE.....

OH FOR GODS' SAKE IF YOU ACCEPT ON OUNCE OF REALITY IN HER RANTINGS THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE IT UP NOW...BUT DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN WITH THAT SICK SICK SICK WOMAN AND HER BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IS IT YOUR HOUSE
IS YOUR NAME ON MORTGAGE

YOU MOVE AND LIVE BACK HOME TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHE DOESNT WANT TO LIVE THERE FINE SHE CAN LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHE CAN LEAVE TODAY.
BUT WHAT SHE CAN NOT DO ON YOUR WATCH IS EXPOSE THE CHILDREN TO HER BOYFRIEND ANY MORE...

GO HOME TODAY
SEEK LEGAL COUNSEL TODAY ON BLOCKING HER CHILDREN FROM EXPOSURE TO OVERNIGHTS WITH STRANGE MEN IN THEIR OWN HOME WHICH NEEDS TO BE THERE SAFE PLACE...NOT THERE MOTHER AND BOYFRIENDS PLAY ROOM..

THIS IS SICK SICK SICK
FOR HER TO CALL YOU A STALKER IS LAUGHABLE
AND GIVE IT NOT ONE OUNCE OF THOUGHT

I TELL YOU IF I DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN MR ARK WOULD BARRACADE THAT HOME LIKE WACKO TEXAS BEFORE I COULD OVERNIGHTS WITH MY BOYFRIEND WHILE HIS CHILDREN WERE THERE....

MOVE HOME TODAY..SOMEBODY HAS TO BE A PARENT AND GROWNUP FOR THOSE KIDS AND

DO THE RIGHT THING

I AM SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ark

the situation is that we are seperated and the Divorce has started (mediation etc,,,) but has been on hold. There is a temporary order in place pending Div that Gives her the house and the Kids M-F and me the House and Kids F-S. It is my understanding that she has the right to do what ever she wants and have who ever she want over during her time there. I want to just move back in but I don't believe I can with this order in place. To boot I am also required to pay all house hold bills pending Div. I am so lost here. she shows no intent of any change at all. Actually told her brother last night that she in no circumstance will she get back together with me right now. She is enjoying spending time with OM who is honest and cares about her. What do I do...so confused and depressed. Wish I could just run away.

Ark - There is a court order to share the home. However I doubt the court would look kindly on the wife and OM making it into a "love nest." It is just CREEPY to me.

Just left a MSG with my Attorney...to see what I can do...for now I just feel so lost, hurt and hopeless. I love her and want to fix my M but how if she is determined not to end the A. Please GOD help me...

Would the children request to live with you right now so as not to be exposed to mommy and boyfriend...
do you have visitation during the week..
that they can be with you in the evenings...

I would seek out all the power you have aggressively with your lawyer..
I would record every phone call

I would take her back to court to put in clauses about no overnights with strangers
have you sought specific information on your rights in this area

I would apologize to your children for them being in this situation and let them know that you do not think it is OK for mom to do this.....

ARK

oh for God's sake..there is NOTHING LOVABLE about this womans actions and damage..
she is a direct threat to your children well being and their ability to have meaningful relationships with men in their lives..

they are learning through their mom that dads and men are replacable...that when we say we stop loving someone we go out and get a new model..

do you see what she is right now..
she is evil and lost...
and you must stand up to her.....

she likes the om for his HONESTY!!!!!!!!oh my God!!!!!!!!

you love this???????????

better read bobpures post on the danger of doing nothing as a BS....or something like...

How do you love someone who damages children.....???
and make NO mistake she is..
children do not adjust and adapt...they ABSORB to survive then they incorporate what they absorbed as being the right way...

ark

Seeking,
I do not know your story, but have you read all the materials on this website and SAA? You need to get strategic here, very strategic. The future of you, your W and your children is at stake here. You need to assert your rights, reality needs to crash in on your WW and her OM. Have you exposed to all you can in their lives? Get aggressive with that attorney and try to keep your children away from OM. Maybe it is time for Plan B even if you haven't done Plan A enough. Read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. Dobson. Hang in there and don't let the pain and hurt take you over. Put your mind to work and take active steps, perhaps some counseling with Steve Harley?

Ark...

What do you suggest I do...I don't know where to start. I have called my attorney and I will follow that through. I have also drafted a Plan B letter. Can you critique it for me and should I proceed with plan b? I am so confused please help me

Plan B Letter...

WS,

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write this letter Because of this and my enormous amount of love for you that I am very saddened by what has happened to our marriage.

The past 13 years have been filled with many good times. We’ve had a wonderful life. I’ve loved you this entire time: through sickness and health, children, moves, financial difficulties and separation. I have not been a perfect husband and I have not met your emotional needs as I should. I am sincerely sorry for having not given you everything that you deserve. I have made a lot of poor decisions in the past year more out of confusion and not knowing what to do. But the feelings that I have had for you and our marriage prior continuing now will never fade. I have always loved you and will always love you.

Our marriage is at a place that is very confusing and painful and though I know my past indiscretions and poor decisions have a tremendous affect on your feelings, your relationship outside of our marriage is very hurtful to me. Your relationship with OM is keeping us from restoring our marriage, is continuing to pull it apart and is confusing and hurting our children. The way you drop into and out of our lives is beyond difficult. I cannot scramble for the crumbs of attention that you offer. Your distance and sporadic contact undermines my love for you. You continue to tell me that you love me; you will hug me and hold me tightly and then call or run off to him. You can not have both of us and I can not and will not share you any longer.

Until you decide to end this affair and in order to preserve the tremendous amount of love I have for you, I must insist that we no longer contact each other. If you need to reach me, we can do so through your brother or Ernie and Julie. I would like to have the children be able to contact me directly as they wish. I will maintain my financial responsibilities and will do everything possible to care for and spend time with my children Once you have ended your affair, we may then resume contact and begin discussing how best to put our marriage back together.

This being said WS; I love you and I am committed to this marriage. I believe our marriage can come out of this stronger and better. As I have told you I am willing to do whatever it takes. I am already making changes with in myself to ensure that I am meeting all of your emotional needs. I have the greatest of confidence that we can build a much stronger and more wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I hope that you will think hard on this. I miss my best friend. I miss my life partner, my wife, the mother of my children, my first and only true love. There is no one else with whom I would rather spend my life. In order for this to work though, you have to be willing to participate. In order to rebuild our marriage, we will have to go with a plan to restore the love, such as Marriage Builders which you have read a bit about and we will have to seek counseling together. I believe you love me and I know this is all so confusing for you. Time will heal and love will grow WS. I would love to walk through the rest of my life with you as a committed, honest, loving partner. I love you greatly

you can not go plan B if your children are in danger of extreme exposure to the OP..the longer they are exposed the sooner it is assimilated in to the norm...

it is NOT normal for mom to have a boyfriend while STILL married....

you can not go plan B and throw your children to these wolves....
you must work and focus on securing the children's sense of well being to the UPMOST of your ability....which most likely means that right now you need access to your wife...

ARK

sweetheat- please for your own sake and sanity- back up - stop text messages, and being in the area. Sit down and be still- let things cool down for now. This sitch can get worse faster than better. if you need to talk to someone call someone you trust to be a sounding board- go to docter and ask for some anxiety edication or meditate or take a deep breath.
Now when you do this sometimes the answer will come right before your eyes and heart.
Keep posting before, during, when you feel you need some direction.
Were here.....its going to get better way before it get worst.

MY ADVICE (KEEP CHANTING THIS_ SHE IS GOING TO NEED ME BEFORE i NEED HER. )

seeking, any chance you can get on the phone and get a appt to phone counsel with Steve Harley? You really need to get those children out of this sitch but you need to get yourself under control first.

I will try to schedule that today...Trying to focus on work and get my mind off it for now. Please keep sending advice though. The support and having someone to talk to helps ease the pain. Thank you for being there...

I am not making light of your situation, but saw this today and thought of you...wear this at your next BBQ?

Neighbor-H*** watch Program Apron

LOL...thanks that was a good laugh.