I agree with both of you...right now WW is in the frame of mind that it is over and there is absolutely no chance. I have somewhat accepted that but not on her terms. I had a call from her asking me to pay Phone and cable bill so that they wouldn't shut them off today. This after everything that has happened since last week and her telling me that is is over. My response was I have already given you $1400 this month, the remaining money is for house pmt. ou should have budgeted better. Your irresponsobility is not my fault. She retorted with I hate you and you are putting the kids in danger by not letting them have a phone and you will be held in contempt if you don't pay them.. Again my response...I gave you the money to do that if you didnt thats not my fault. I hung up just not going to feed into this anymore. I did send a text that said when she is willing to be civil I would be willing to discuss it and try to come to an equally agreeable solution but until then don't call.

More and more manipulation...I am just sick of it. I just ready to give up and move on myself. I am at my wits end...

My thought is that if I can preserve my sanity, get my children into a more stable environment and protect them from this turmoil then that is what I need to do. If she comes around and decideds to stop her crap and commit then we might be able to discuss that then. Until then I need to be strong for my children.

Trying to muster and maintain some resolve i guess...

R.

SC,
Of course she is, it's still fantasy time. Let her start losing money in this exchange, and see the OM's colors come out.

I can't tell you this enough. QUIT YOUR BEGGIN AND BENDING OVER. -sidebar, my fww asked me to do a FAVOR for the OM while she was with him...I was not even 'informed' of the affair at that point, but knew what was going on... I responded to her request by saying "You've got to be kidding me." And hung up the phone on her... I got an immediate call of an apology from HER FATHER, and APOLOGY NOTE the next morning.

Come tomorrow, you will wake up from your sleep (although we all know that isnt really what happens at night for BS's, it's some quasi sleep thing)... wouldn't you ENJOY waking up feeling like you STOOD UP for what you KNOW is RIGHT? Get angry with the situation, and then take control of it. Quit pandering to her every whim, she is a out of control freak right now, feeding like a leech on everything she can...she has to, she is so disraught (even though you can't see it) from her predicament... try to step out of who you are right now and advise yourself from a 3rd person perspective. Would you let your brother get walked on and drug through the ringer like you are allowing yourself? No.

I'm not saying be an azz. I'm saying be a man. Be strong, be direct, be decisive, and FIGHT for what is yours. Sometimes, fighting means just staying the ****** away from a situation and remaining aloof to the whole situation. Continue doing what you need to do to de-romanticize the situation. Who cares if the house is a wreck? Are you bringing other women over? No, so only she really cares who sees the house. Your kids see the OM, so it's no secret. I would probably make it clear to them about what your plan is with the house. - now I'm rambling.. sorry.

Hang in there. Your wife is talking with you too much, and too emotionally for me to believe she has truly given up. She is just afraid to face the consequences and the heartache.

Rook,

I believe in what you are saying here...it is just hard sometimes to set aside the emotions. I have stopped calling her with the exception of asking a few Q's about my daughters B-Day on Thurs. that was not a good conv. either. SHe refuses to let me see my D on her B-day because OM is going to be there for the Party. That was quite a blow. My D is very upset about it...I am just going to do something special with her this weekend on my own. What scares me is that my WW has pretty much stopped calling me as well (although only for the past day 1/2. I am trying very hard to lay low. Steve H. advised that I just lay low but not avoid her for now so that is what I am trying to do. Filed paperwork with court yesterday to get financial arrangement set up ao that I am not paying eveything. I'm just going to let things happen now. This is so painful...up and down every minute.

R.

Actually feeling a bit stronger today...not sure why. I guess it is the fact that there is no communication with WW and with that no drama. Hmmmm...maybe I am on to something here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)

Who knows how long this will last but I am sure going to enjoy it for now.

R.

((((((great- have a good day- enjoy the sun!))))))

no sun here...actually windy and rainy at times. Kind of a dreary day weather wise. But I'm somehow staying upbeat...

I fell you- My wh just called the kids and said he wasnt coming to see them today and told me - well someone took a brick and busted my car window out (at OW house where he is staying) and took his radio and cell phone. He is going to try to get another by end of week so we can calll him.
right.....mind you this was after yesterday- when he told me its ok if i want to date other men - he wouldnt be hurt or angry because hes not in the house. Our anniversary is Sept. 1st and he said ill take you out for a glass of water- He says it was a joke.
right........

i meant tell you not fell- sorry typo!

what a foul foul woman to force her own daughter to spend a BIRTHDAY with the OM

This will haunt her..for one day she will be asked to answer to her own children WHY DID YOU KEEP US FROM OUR DAD

can you get the children trac phones or their own cell phone and not give two thoughts to the phone bill..

ARK

how upsetting...

for you and the kids. He probably deserved the brick incident by the sounds of it. What stage are you in Plan A I assume?

My WW actually told me onetime to do the same thing. I told a friend about it and the next day he set me up with someone. I reluctantly went on the date and was miserable. I actually ended it early (less than an hour). I told my WW about it after a few days and she was IRATE that I would do that after telling her I was committed and would wait for her as long as it takes (funny same thing she told me when I was having my A, guess she didn't mean it). She was the one who told me to move on and when I tried (een though I couldn't) she was mad. I really don't know how to break that one down.
My guess is that he would be just as angry and it would only give him more ammunition/justification. If I had it do do all over again I would not have even responded to it, but you know how emotions get you.

What state are you in by the way?

Your WH is living with the OW?

R.

The phone wasn't shut off all a ploy to get more money I suppose. This was really the first time I have said no. It felt good!!!

I have thought about getting the kids a Cell and putting my oldest in charge but I am afraid the WW will get ahold of it. I am jsut trying to cope with the fact that this OM is in my home all the time and during important times when I should be there for my kids. That being said...I am not ready to give up, just kind of accepting that I have done all I can do. WW will have to figure this out on her own.

OH by the way...I did hear that there is tension between OM and WW over this B-day thing, but we'll see. Appears he is uncomfortable about it too. Who knows...no contact with WW since business talk yesterday letting her stew on it a while. Told her to be damn sure this is what she wants because there is a lot at stake here with the kids and a lot to give up. What I didn't say because it probably wouldnt do any good is that she is taking a chance on a guy that most likely will not stick around anyway and she will be left with nothing if I have already moved on. I wonder if there is a way to phrase that differently so that it would make her think...Hmmmm.

R.

yep she is older than both of us - im 41 hes 42 shes 50 and married also(seperated)has a grown daughter 18 or 19 years old. In Illinois-what state are you?
I have not even looked at anyone- at one point I was saying ill give up and just get someone else but the folks here are keeping me grounded/.Its not fair to me or the other person because my hearts not in it, and im still married.
The brick thing- yeah - I want to wonder what that really is about????? mind you he totalled one car (2003 altima)- bought a old beater which is constantly breaking down- and she has filed bankruptcy last month on the house she has, and it keeps getting better for the 2 of them.
When he talks to me it's always things are bad, its not what you think over here, etc,,, - but its so bad over there that you wont wake up and see you have someone who loves you and we can work on the marraige and still you stay over in the trap.
Oh - she has also dated their supervisor and his brother before my knucklehead husband- they didnt leave their family - he did.
I wonder when he will see no ow is going to saty with a broke man for long.

I am in Maine btw...
Sounds like things are pretty rough over there...I agree with the other members. Don't move on yet, you still have hope especially if things are not good. Although, I am not one to critique, I keep making the mistake of allowing my emotions to control my actions and making matters worse. THis is so hard to go through...I have never before experienced this much pain and I hope to never go through this again. He actually says to you "things arent so pretty over here..."? Why do you care...I hope my WW has a miserable time with what she is doing. Mine was actually mad at me because I sent the OM an email (appology she had requested me to send) and told him basically a summary of what she was telling me and asked him to back off. I didn't expect him to but I suspected she was stringing both of us along. She actually said to me "I hope your happy...you've ruined my weekend now I'm going to have to listen to OM all weekend" I wanted to burts out laughing and say yes I am glad...I hope it is rotten. But I didn't...

today is my DD2's 7th B-day...I called this morning to wish her a happy b-day before she went to school. She sounded so sad. It broke my heart. My WW is having a B-day party for her tonight and has made it clear to me that I am not welcom...to make matters words when my Daughter asked if I could come WW told her no because OM was going to be there. I haven't really spoken to WW since Tuesday. I was feeling pretty strong and calm yesterday but today I am not doing well. WW called back this morning and I didn't answer she left a v-mail telling me that it is my daughters B-day and the cable TV has been shut off she acted as though it was some how my fault. I responded back via text Msg and told her that I would see what I could do but that I needed the Acct number. SHe called back and we had a very brief conv. about it, she said she would get it to me today but that she was out looking for a gift for DD2. She didn't seem so angry but that could just be because she was looking for something. My DD-2 alluded this am that Om spent the night last night, but when I went by on my way to work he wasn't there. I was kind of relieved. I hate this rollercoaster I am on. I hope that this lack of contact will work...I miss her so much and I truely hate not being with my family everyday especially during these occasions. this is the first time I haven't been with anyone of my kids on their B-day. I have this constant knot in my somach and lump in my throat. I just wish this would all go away...I miss her so much.

R.

Received a call from WW...asking about Cable TV again. She said that she hopes I can get it done because she has people comming over for B-Day tonight and that the TV should be working for kids. I was so tempted to say that I was hurt that she would have these other people over (especially the OM) for our childs B-day and then tell me that I was unwelcome & that I really don't care about the TV. She was very pleasant again today so I just said yes and no and didn't engage in any conversation. I hope I am doing the right thing but I am not seeing any signs of this turning around. I am so distraught over this whole thing. I should be there with my wife and children especially on a b-day. I am so hurt and sad over this...when she calls me what do I say, do I just ignore the situation and hope she feels something or should I tell her how I feel. I don't think she really cares at the moment. This just doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be doing more. I just wish she could see what a mistake she is making and how much it is hurting the kids...

So heres the latest...

Got a call from WW...again asking about the bill that I have been unable to pay today because the companies system is down (AURGHHHH). Any how...she was very pleasant and she asked me how I was doing. I just said ok, because if I had really told her it would have taken hours. I just told her that I am doing my part with the bills and keeping my word (her biggest issue/reason for not trying) that I just hoped I could show her enough change for her to give our family a real chance. I then told her that I didn't want a response, just wanted her to know. I told her to have a good time tonight and make sure that DD2 had a great b-day and to have her call me when she got home from school. She responded by by being quiet at first (what should I take from that), then said in a sad tone, "I have heard that all before Rye'", I said I know and I wasn't trying to get into a conversation just wanted her to know...I repeated that I hoped she had a good time and that I would talk to her later. She said ok and we hung up on good terms. Did I say too much...??? Or do you think we are making some slow progress. I don't know what to think and I am affraid of getting up any hopes, but I feel like the wall is breaking down a bit. Does anyone have any thoughts about this.

Last night seemed a little easier, although I was exhausted and couldn't begin to think about anything. I went to bed around 12pm but was wide awake at 4am thinking again. I called my DD2 lastnight and sang her Happy bday on the phone. She laughed and seemed very happy. Then she said "daddy, I wish you were here" and started to get upset again I tried to stay happy and told her to have a good time and really enjoy the evening. She called again around 9pm to tell me what she had gotten and seemed excited. OM was at the party but I didn't approach the subj. with anyone. When I went by the house at around 11pm on my way to where I am staying, I noticed that the OM wasn't there...he didn't stay the night like I expected he would. I was relieved...(he hasn't spent the night at all this week, is this a sign) I guess I am holding on to the idea that maybe we are making ever so little progress. Ofcourse I really don't know because I haven't been speaking to WW about it at all. I am so tempted at times to call her and ask to discuss where we are and where we are going, but I resist. I am trying to avoid relationship talk all together until she brings it up and is ready to seriously discuss it. I get the kids tonight at 5pm for the weekend, so I will see her in person for the first time in 5 days. I am really nervous about how she will act. Everytime I see her I just want to hug her, hold her and have her give a little comfort back, but I don't expect it. My guess is that she will be cold and widthdrawn as usual and that hurts. It hurts to see her and not be able to be with her. Trying to stay strong here and hoping for a miracle. Please pray for us and our family that we may find a path to peacfulness and put this family back together.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can get through seeing her tonight and on Monday with less pain and what should I say or talk about.

Dorry, Ark, BobP, all of you folks have been giving such good advice. Anything would be greatly appreciated...

R.

SC, If it were me I couldn't talk about anything but the sickness of your WW forcing your daughter to spend time with OM playing UNhappy families.

You have to stop that happening SC. It is sick, and dreadfully traumatic for your DD.

You want to HUG her when you see her ? I'd want to spit in her eye for her abuse of your DD.

You need to realise that peace does not lead to peace. Sometimes WAR leads to peace. I understand you yearning for whetaver crumb sof peace, affection and family that you can get in this sick environment, but you HAVE TO FIGHT To wrest your DD away from that warped life. You teaching her that its OK for Mommy to screw OM and replace you in her life at a whim.

Your peace is like the peace the French had in WW2. Occupied, capitulated, cowed but not shooting in the streets.

Are you France, or are you Britian ? Kick some @ss, and stand up for what you know is right. Protect your DD from the infection of WWs affair. Now.

U wenen't welcome but the OM was? What kind of party was this? ARrrgh..... Your children are being subjected to abuse. Mental/emotional abuse at best.

Can you file for custody? What other adults were present? How were they introduced to the OM?

Sorry for the anger...... u are the father and s/b respected as such.

Ok, going back into my MB corner and cool down.

take care,
L.

How r u doing?

L.