I found the ebook on line without having to pay - not sure how that happened. Some of the "predictions" about ws reactions were SO spot on, I was impressed. Anyway, it says you can distribute so here it is:
©How to Break Free from the Affair. 2003-2004. All rights reserved. This may be distributed
provided there is absolutely no change in the content or format.
How to Break Free
From the Affair
Starter-Kit
By Dr. Robert Huizenga - Providing tips, information and personal
guidance on breaking free from the affair
Discover how the affair in your marriage may be the
best thing that ever happened to you.
Visit my site:
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com©How to Break Free from the Affair. 2003. All rights reserved. This may be
distributed provided there is absolutely no change in the content or format.
Table Of Contents
I. Introduction
• Get Through the Affair More Quickly
• Build Self-Esteem and Confidence
• You are Not Alone
• Learn to Strategize, Take Control
II. How This E-book Can Help You
• A Starting Point
• Get You Out of the Rut
• Begin to Focus Where You Should – on YOU
III. How to Use this E-book
IV. 7 Powerful Tactics to Break Free From the
Affair and Stop it NOW
V. 12 Unattractive, Ugly, Typical Tactics Most
People Use to Prolong the Affair and Guarantee
Their Own Misery
©How to Break Free from the Affair. 2003. All rights reserved. This may be
distributed provided there is absolutely no change in the content or format.
Introduction
Welcome! There is hope. You can find relief. It is possible to break free from
your affair and chart a new course for your life and relationship.
This Starter Kit will begin your journey.
This is a most difficult journey. The affair most likely will or is shaking you to your
very core. It stirs up profound feelings such as betrayal, rage, hurt, sadness or
confusion, to name a few, that often control your every waking thought and often
disturb you in the middle of the night.
So, your journey is intense and to be honest, quite complex. My vision is to use my
two decades plus of experience, study and research as therapist to provide a wealth
of in-depth and solid information to help you break free from the affair.
Your life will never be the same but it can be better and you can find the life
and love relationship you really want. You will discover how.
I
Want You to Break Free From the Affair More Quickly
I don’t want you to remain stuck forever. I want the lousy feelings and obsessive
thoughts to fade, fade, fade until they are merely a distant memory.
Here’s the story of one woman:
Around 7 years ago my husband had an affair. Almost 7 years later I
still feel so broken hearted and some resentment toward him. I still
go over her name (first only, number and address). Every time we fight
I am sure to throw it in his face. I had him sell his car and boat,
our bed and we had to move because I didn't want anything around that
reminded me of her. I am almost always depressed and think about how I
could ruin her life. Why is everything still so fresh in my mind? Why
do I hate this person much and just want vengeance? Will these feelings
ever go away??
It doesn’t have to be this way for you. Your life and relationship(s) are not doomed
to a caldron of pain, anger and explicit mental images. As I say on my site, in reality,
your affair may be the best thing that ever happened to you and/or your marriage.
Unfortunately, most of us have been taught little about relationships and specifically
affairs. Most of us have grown up rather clueless about love and marital
development. We needed a course in Love 101 but never got it.
This Starter-Kit Ebook gets you pointed in the right direction. The “7 Powerful
Tactics to Break Free From the Affair” condense 30 years of psychological
and marital study (much of it based on ‘reality’ therapy) into a couple
pages.
Build Self-Esteem and Confidence
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distributed provided there is absolutely no change in the content or format.
Nothing goes down the toilet faster in an affair than your self-esteem. Wow! I believe
a huge chunk of the pain and anger has beneath it the awful thoughts of being
inadequate, unwanted, and discarded sexually, emotionally…you name it.
This Ebook, my site, the 4-Step Program and my coaching are aimed initially at
helping you not personalize the affair.
Begin to learn that you are not responsible for the affair. You did not create it.
The marriage did not make it happen. Your spouse chose to have an affair. IT HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!
Got the point? Make sense? Probably not, I’m sure. But, we will work on that. You
will begin to understand what I’m talking about. And as you do, you will begin to
unhook yourself from the affair and your spouse, which paradoxically gives
you the only chance of saving the marriage, if you choose to save it.
You are Not Alone
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and
60% of men at one point indulge in an affair. Put those numbers together and it is
estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or
another involved in an affair.
No, you are not alone. In my work with thousands of individuals over the past 20+
years, I’ve come across a significant number of people who were in affairs, but no
one knew, nor did anyone ever discover. So, I believe that stat.
This will not diminish your suffering, but please know that others in similar situations
are feeling and living with you. There are patterns, themes and characteristic
ways of feeling and thinking that will bombard you and others in similar
situations.
In the pages that follow you will begin to learn about patterns and themes that are
typical of those who navigate affairs.
Learn to Strategize, Take Control
I want you to be confidently decisive.
Part of being decisive and planning a strategy is knowing what you up against.
I want you to be more than a loose cannon flailing around on the deck. You want to
know the target, aim carefully and have a real good idea of what will
happen when you shoot. (I’m not sure I like the metaphor, but it seemed to stick
in my mind. I suppose a canon in the hands of someone who just discovered might
lend itself to more images!)
An affair is not an affair. Affairs are exceedingly complex. Part of the sense of
lostness comes from being confronted with something that makes no sense
and to be blunt seems crazy. But, we will begin pulling the nature of affairs apart
and make sense of the seemingly senseless.
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distributed provided there is absolutely no change in the content or format.
I want you to know where you are going, how to get there and know when you
arrive.
I want you to know that you can make it through the affair. I want you to come to
the conclusion that perhaps the affair is the best thing that happened. Your marriage
can be infinitely better and you can be better.
Purpose of the Ebook
A Starting Point
The major purpose of this Ebook is to get you started in the right direction and to
begin acting now on significant, well-thought-out, time-tested strategies.
You are not helpless. You do have power; more than what you probably realize. You
need to find that power. Know that power. The “7 Powerful Tactics…” give you a
taste of that power.
Get you out of the rut
Here’s a truism: we tend to want to do better the very things that don’t work,
but actually make things worse. Get this? I see it in myself and I hear it every
day from dissatisfied people. We keep doing over and over the very things that buy
us grief.
This Ebook offers you a contrast between tactics that work and tactics that fail. Some
tactics defy common sense. Others seem contrary to what we are taught. Begin to
learn. Begin to notice. Begin to understand the wide range of responses that are
available to you to break free from or remain in the affair.
Begin to Focus on Where you Should – on YOU
I want this Ebook to be a haven for you. As you read it, I want the thoughts about
him/her, what he/she is or is not doing and thinking to quiet for a minute and for
you to begin thinking about you.
This will be your most important journey – to shift your focal point to your
actions, your thoughts, your feelings, what you want, what you need and
the strategies you employ. You will notice a change. He/she will notice a change.
How to Use This Ebook
Read through the Ebook quickly the first time. Get a feel for the flow and especially
the contrast between the different tactics. Notice what you agree with. Notice what
you don’t understand. Notice what jumps out at you.
You have permission to print out the book. Put it in a loose-leaf binder and jot
down notes and comments in the margin.
Outline a couple tactics you want to employ. Be very specific about what you will say
and do. Think it through. Rehearse in your mind.
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distributed provided there is absolutely no change in the content or format.
Take a few minutes each day to reflect on what you are learning and doing. What
seems to be working? What might work better? How is he/she responding? If helpful,
write your thoughts and plans in a journal. If that doesn’t work for you, still spend
some quality time – 30 minutes or so – reflecting on your efforts.
©How to Break Free from the Affair. 2003. All rights reserved. This may be
distributed provided there is absolutely no change in the content or format.
7 Powerful Tactics to Break Free From
the Affair and Stop it NOW!
By Dr. Robert Huizenga
Follow these 7 suggestions and I guarantee great results.
I gaurantee that you will feel exceedingly better and I also guarantee that
your spouse WILL NOTICE. If you want to STOP your spouse from having the
affair, these are your best strategies, by far. They work.
With that said, let me also stress that this is not an easy road, but is probably easier
than you might think right now.
These strategies work beautifully for most kinds of affairs. I would guess that they
are effective in 75% of affairs. They are least likely to work with philanderers and
those entrenched in strong addictive kinds of behaviors. To learn more about the
different reasons for affairs, the prognosis for each and tips to combat the affair, go
to Step 3 in the Membership Page for Break Free From the Affair. If you are
not a member, got to
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com and sign up for the
membership.
Also know that these strategies demand strength, energy and emotional
control. Are you there? Are you strong enough to control your feelings, to maintain
positive thoughts about yourself, at least most of the time?
You may not be. Disovery of the affair usually takes a tremendous toll on one’s self
esteem and emotional vitality. You might need proping. You might need to develop
your strength and internal confidence before or at least during the time you try on
these 7 strategies.
If you are not there, don’t worry and don’t berate yourself. There are resources to
help build and prepare you for these strategies. It is normal to be devastated,
angry, lost and confused. But, you can and will move on.
One more thing…and this is a little tricky. Do not use these strategies as a
manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. He/she will pick up on
your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where
he/she wants you (whereever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)
You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know
that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse.
This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.
Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes
on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be
surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work
on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!
Here they are:
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1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when
you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need
be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get
to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you
know!)
2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still
interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked
doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up
dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his
affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a
problem with it!).
3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be,
plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This
becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to
sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT.
Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want),
but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know
that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye
contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.
4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and
to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be
addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail
if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such
conversations.
5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernal of truth in what your spouse is
saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”
He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for
you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of
when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activites.”
6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.
Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have
the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with somone.
I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about being friends and learning
about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.
7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise.
Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body.
Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy.
Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait.
Membership in Break Free From the Affair supplements you with tools, exercises and
resources to help you on this journey and insure that you are successful. Make sure
you take advantage of these resources.
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distributed provided there is absolutely no change in the content or format.
11
extramarital affairs.
Dr. Robert Huizenga
For consultation and more information go to:
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com©How to Break Free from the Affair. 2003. All rights reserved. This may be
distributed provided there is absolutely no change in the content or format.
12 Unattractive, Ugly, Typical Tactics
Most People Use to Prolong the Affair
and Guarantee Their Own Misery
by Dr. Robert Huizenga
1) Say “I love you”
Saying “I love you,” especially repeatedly, often pushes your spouse away
and in essence, probably does not reflect the truth of what you really want
to say.
What does it mean to say, “I love you?” especially at this juncture in your
relationship? Do you know? Does he/she?
The words “I love you” are powerful in the beginning stages of a relationship where
they match the underlying powerful feelings of attraction. “I love you then” means:
I’m attracted to you. I want to be with you. I experience good feelings when I am
with you or think about you.
Or, the words are powerful later in the relationship when special occassions recall the
feelings that brought you together or when the stability of the relationship is
temporarily threated and you express your commitment to your spouse.
But, when in the midst of dealing with an affair, using the words “I love
you” are inadequate and in reality, poor communication. They do not express
what you really want to say. Nor does your spouse, who is allegedly “in love” with
another person, know what to do with that statement.
Here are ways your spouse might respond internally when he hears those words
from you:
• Yeah right! What does she want now? She’s just saying that so I won’t
leave. Or, she’s just saying that so I will leave the other woman. She’s using
that to manipulate me. So, I will walk away or not say anything.
• He loves ME? Yeah right! How can he love me when I do something
like this. It doesn’t make sense. Who would love someone who fools around
on them. If he fooled around on me, I know I wouldn’t love him.
• Hey, this is cool! I got two of them wanting me. Man, it feels great to be
pursued by two people. It is great to be loved by two people. (This may not
be acknowledged but it might lie behind a need to continue the soap opera
drama.)
• She loves me? What is the world does that mean? What is she trying to
say when she says that? I don’t understand. Is that all she can say? Isn’t
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there more she needs to say to me. How am I to respond? Say “I love you
too?” Geezzz louise, it’s not that simple.
• I hate it when he says “I love you.” That really makes him unattractive. He
seems so sickingly needy when he says that. And, that really turns me
off. When he says it, I think of a whining lost little boy who needs
reassurance. Sorry, but I’m not there. I don’t want to be a mother.
What are you really saying? Here are some possibilities. Do any fit?
• “I love you” means I need you. My life is incomplete or insufficient without
you. I have little clue of who I am outside of you and I need you to define
who I am. I cannot think of having a life of my own.
• “I love you” means don’t leave me. I’m afraid of life on my own. I am
terrified of what might happen. Tell me you love me, that you will be there for
me so I don’t have to think of making my own way. Calm my fears, because
I’m not sure I can.
• “I love you” means I’m a whimp. I don’t want to rock the boat. I don’t
want to really confront you with what I’m really thinking and feelilng. I don’t
want to take a stand and say ENOUGH. I will tolerate almost anything.
• “I love you” means I’m sad. It feels sad to see the relationship and
dreams crumble. It’s sad to feel the distance, mistrust, pain and agony. It’s
sad to think of that which might never happen. It’s sad to think of maybe not
growing old with you.
• “I love you” means I remember with loving feelings who you were
and who I was. I remember who we were. I remember the good times. I
remember the way it used to be. I remember what it was like to love and be
there for each other. I miss that. I love those memories and maybe, that’s all
they are.
2) Criticize, complain, whine, nag
This should be fairly obvious. Criticizing, complaining, whining and nagging are
not attractive! Who wants to be around such a person? When I criticize or complain
I have a hard time being around myself.
This behavior is usually an attempt to deal with the internal tension you feel. You
don’t know where to go with the tension, so it seeps out around the edges.
Something your spouse says or does, and it doesn’t have to be major, will trigger the
tension and you spit out the negativity. You may be unaware that it is happening,
since it probably is a fairly long standing habit.
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And, of course, your spouse will respond in his/her typical fashion, probably
by moving away or countering you with his/her negativity. Ever feel like you
hit a brick wall, time and time again? It hurts, doesn’t it. And, you go nowhere.
What would happen if you stopped using criticism, complaining or whining? What
could you do instead? What does your criticising, complaining and nagging
supposedly get for you? Give it some thought.
(Here’s what you might find: You are trying to get something, or you want
something to happen or you have some expectation and it’s not there. Can you find
a different way to let this person know what you want, what you need or how you
would like your life to be, without resorting to something that is absolutely
guaranteed to give you the opposite of what you truly desire?)
3) Say “I’ve changed”
In an attempt to persuade a spouse to stop an affair or restore a relationship you
may use the ploy, “But, I’ve changed. I’m a different person.” And your behavior
may truly be different – most of the time. You try to accommodate in ways you
haven’t tried before or you alter your behavior to fit your perception of what
he/she wants you to do. Here are some problems with this strategy:
• Is it true? Have you really changed or are you in a reactive mode? You are
reacting to a painful situation by trying on different behaviors. There is
nothing wrong with this. Actually you are to be commended. It proably takes
a great deal of energy and conscious thought to alter, especially in a drastic
manner, some of your habits.
• If you continue the new behaviors they may gradually sink in and truly
become a part of you. However, these changes usually lack staying
power because they are born out of reactivity.
• You will return to the old patterns, especially when the heat is off.
And, your spouse intuitively knows this. He/she thinks, “This will never last”
and is highly suspicious.
• Your change will probably be veiwed by your spouse as an attempt to
manipulate. He/she will perceive your change as a strategy on your part to
get him/her to change. If your spouse felt “cornered” before, the feelings will
be greater now. Your spouse will most likely resent these changes, even
though these very behaviors is what he/she has been asking for for all the
previous years. More distance will emerge.
• You will lose credibility. Your spouse will not believe you or will not know
what to believe about you. In 80% of the affairs, my experience and analysis
tells me that confusion reigns. Your spouse is very confused about what
he/she wants. By faking or trying on changed behaviors, you are only adding
to the confusion. The message you are sending is NOT CLEAR.
• You will lose respect. Bottom line: people don’t want other people to try to
please or placate them. They just don’t respect that kind of strategy. There is
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no backbone. There is no core self from which you express yourself and take
a firm stand. That is not very attractive.
Here’s a common response I encounter: If you can change so easily now, why
didn’t you change when I wanted you to change back then? It’s too late
now. Some sadness or resentment may emerge as he/she encounters the new
behavior, thinking about what could have been, but is no longer seen as possible.
4) Argue, Reason, Plead
You may believe that the more persistent you are in trying to get your spouse to
“understand,” the better off you may be. Not always true. Usually, the harder you
try to get your point across, the deeper the wedge in the relationship.
An affair is not based on logic. One’s quest to “find him/herself” through an affair
has little to do with reason. The allure of the OP (other person), whatever that allure
might be, has little respect for reason, logic and thinking and talking something
through together.
So you may attempt to reason with your partner about seeing the OP, where your
partner goes, how he/she spends time, spending more time with the children, how to
handle finances and pay the bills and other issues related to your life together or you
lack of life together.
The two of you swirl. It’s as if you have been there, done that countless times
before. You can predict what he/she will say, can predict your response to his/her
response can, in turn, predict how he/she will respond to your response of his/her
response. Sound familiar?
You bang into a communication wall filled with the same old nasty feelings and
thoughts you’ve encountered before. And you end in the same fashion, He/she walks
away (which gives an “excuse” to run to the arms of someone else.)
Arguing, reasoning and pleading keeps the focal point on each other. It
keeps the relationship bound together (we call it enmeshment) in a
powerfully negative and destructive way. You merely continue to rehash the old
stuff with the same fruitless outcome.
5) Get friends and family involved
It is not uncommon to look for an ally. But, more than an ally, you may look
for someone who will be your eyes and ears and perhaps mouthpiece.
You may seek out an informant. You quiz others about what your spouse is saying
and doing. You pump for information. You may look for signs of hope and hang
intently on every word of your ally.
Or, you might enlist a friend or family member to be your mouthpiece. You
encourage them to talk to your spouse and hammer some “sense” into this wayward
creature. You give them all the information they need to be persuasive.
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Unforntunately, many people seem to get off on this. There is an element of
drama, suspense and mystery that hooks people into being what they think
is helpful. They may be all too willing to join you in your drama.
Getting friends and family involved only worsens your situation. Three people
emotionally involved and invested in a relationship form a triangle. Ever watch soap
operas? A soap opera is inherently two people talking about a third or two aligned
and plotting against the third. There is a lot of juice stirred up but the relationships
never reach the point of health (unless the triangle is broken).
With such a triangle, you only perpetuate a bad sitation. What is an affair? Basically,
it’s a triangle: two aligned against the outsider. Adding more triangles to the mix
only increases the possibilty for a more powerful explosion.
(There’s some pretty complicated systems or family therapy concepts involved which
I won’t get into. Only to let you know that they exist and that the triangle serves as
a basis for some of these concepts.)
To break free from the affair, it is crucial that you and your spouse face one
another and begin stating your own positions, your needs, your desires,
your beliefs, the feelings you have about yourself, not the other person and
each begin unraveling the story of your respective lives.
6) Act helpless, depressed
Talk about unattractive. It takes a tremendous amount of energy for someone
to be in relationship with a person who consistently acts helpless and
depressed. People, over time, weary of being around such a person. Do you like
being around a depressed person?
Here’s the kicker though: Acting helpless and depressed can get mileage. Some
people seek out depressing people because it gives them good feelings to take care
of someone, or they get a feeling of being a little superior. In the meantime the
depressed and helpless person gets a lot of attention and care.
The helpless or poor me syndrome is also a tool to control the other person.
After all, you don’t want to get too upset with a depressed person. They can’t handle
that, right? Or, worst case scenario, might they harm themselves, because they are
so fragile?
At some point the caretaker begins to pull away from the relationship and resolves
not to be a part of that cycle. An affair might be the unconscious strategy
(albeit, a not very bright srategy) to cope with one’s inabilty to confront the
depressed person with his/her true self.
Acting depressed or helpless in the aftermath of an affair may be a
longstanding pattern, only intensified at this point, in your relationship with
your partner. It no longer works effectively, but you might turn up the volume a
little louder, acting a more helpless and depressed, to make your point and get
him/her back.
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Question: If it does work and your partner comes back, is that the kind of
relationship you want? Do you relish the idea of playing the victim/helpless role the
rest of your life to control and maintain a relationship? Probably not. At least,
Iwouldn’t want that for you.
So you say you really are depressed? OK, fair enough. Some people do suffer
from the clinical definition of depression as defined in the medical
community. If you do, don’t wait one more minute. Call your family doctor
and ask for a referral to get some help. Assume responsibility for your illness.
Discover who you really are beneath the depression so you have a true self to offer
to your spouse, or someone else. Doesn’t that sound much better? I would think
your partner would think so.
7) Give up opposite sex relationships
If your partner is involved in an affair, you most likely have the tendency to shun
people of the opposite sex. There are a number of reasons for this.
First, you probably do not feel very attractive or desireable. As I’ve noted in other
writings, being on the receiving end of an affair dumps self-esteem down the toilet.
Even if you had an interest in pursuing a relationship, this would get in the way.
An interesting phenomenon I observe very frequently is that the spouse having
the affair sends a subtle or not so subtle message that only he/she is
allowed to have an extramarital relationship. It is his/her domain.
If the offended partner begins a relationship with a person of the opposite sex the
person having the affair may become jealous and disturbed, sometimes extremely
so. Make sense? No, but then again, not much about affairs makes sense.
You may hold back from having an opposite sex relationship because you
believe it will only give permission to your partner to continue the affair and
provide further ammunition for him/her to truly leave. This does occur, but
only in particular kinds of affairs and, I belive, only in a minority of situations. It will
NOT be a major factor in his/her decision to truly end the marriage.
Holding back from developing an opposite sex relationship typically
indicates you are doggedly determined to focus on what your parner and
what he/she is doing or not doing. You are riveted on this painful elusive
relationship. It occupies your every moment and breath. To think of having a life of
your own seems terribly foreign.
When I talk about having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I’m NOT
talking about dating or sleeping around. Don’t jump off the bridge. But,
there is such a thing as a healthy relationship with those of different
gender. Actually, it’s fairly important to have those relationships without sexualizing
them, or at least trusting yourself and the other person well enough to have a
friendship that energizes.
You can learn a great deal. Your life will be enriched. You will have a life. And, it will
be important to have this life in the future, with or without your partner present.
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8) Get reassurance from your children
Please don’t intentionally involve your children. Here’s what I mean.
• Don’t share information with them about their other parent.
• Don’t try to pry information from them about your spouse.
• Don’t ask (in any way) for them to agree with you or side with you or comfort
you.
• Don’t talk about your spouse to them in any way shape or manner.
You can say directly: I’m having a difficult time right now, but I’m doing
everything to take care of it and this too shall pass. I will always be here for
you.
Why? This is a difficult time emotionally for your children. They know what is
going on, even if they don’t know the details. They need a PARENT(S). Don’t
you become the child.
Remember my talk about triangles? What we have with your children is the potential
for more triangles. Someone talking to someone about someone else only
perpetuates your pain, creates pain for them, and lowers the possibility of resolving
effectively your relationship with your spouse.
As long as you are mired in triangles, you offer the opportunity for your spouse to
perceive you as undesireable and therefore he/she continues the affair. As well you
remain locked in your pain and merely lengthen the time and intensity of your
misery.
Go to other people (adults) for reassurance, comfort, guidance and a
listening ear. My site has a rather extensive section that walks you through ways to
elicit from your adult friends and family what you need from them. (I have a letter
you can send to them on “10 Things I Want From You During Difficult Times).
The ideal way to beat a triangle, you know, is to confront your spouse with your
thoughts, your needs, set boundaries, declare yourself, take a stand and in essence,
look at him/her eyeball-to-eyeball and say, I won’t live like this. I’m making some
shifts and changes. I will make it, either with or without you. But, I guarantee, I will
make it.
9) Use the Bible or Dr Laura
It is a natural impulse to want to beat your wandering spouse over the head, not
literally, of course. Well, maybe… (Just kidding. Don’t do it!)
But, on a number of occassions I’ve run across those who throw Bible verses,
selected passages from books or talk show hosts comments about the immorality
and path of perdition he/whe is following by engaging in an affair.
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Now, granted, engaging in an affair is sin because it certainly does miss the
mark in terms of having an authentic and truth-filled relationship and it
certainly has dire consequences in which the other does walk down a
difficult path. However, using this as a weapon to stop the affair brings
dubious results at best.
Think about it. Would you really want him/her to come back to the relationship
because of coercion? What would that be like? He/she would be there because of
moral compunction, not because they really wanted to be with you. Could you live in
an relationship of emotional investment where someone was forced to be with you –
out of guilt or trying to abide by some law? Don’t you really want to be wanted?
Have you ever heard the phrase, that which you resist, persists? This concept implies
that the more you try to avoid something or work hard to change something,
the more power you give it and the possibility for true change dimenishes.
Beating him/her over the head with moral persuasion most likely will increase his/her
resolve, if not openly at least inernally, to oppose you. Poor strategy!
Again, we return to a common theme: gathering moral ammunition and blasting
away at the other person means you are focusing your energy on him/her.
Your best bet is to turn that finger around and be kind, gentle, encouraging,
supportive, directive, and caring to your self. Get your emotions and thinking
uder control. Plan your strategy for your survival, growth and moving ahead – with
our without him/her.
One more thing: Do you really want to be known as a morally superior person? Not
most of us do. I’m not talking about becoming a morally inferior person, i.e. lowering
your standards, by any means. I’m suggesting, don’t go into the arena of morality or
take a morally righteous postion. It’s booby trapped. You prolong your misery. You
lessen hope for a reconciled marriage or workable future relationship with your
spouse.
10) Suggest counseling
OK, what’s the deal. A therapist who is recommending that you NOT pursue
counseling with your spouse? Yes, exactly. Believe me, I’ve seen hundreds of
couples and counseling when an affair is involved seldom, and I mean real
seldom, works.
In most communities, getting counseling is the thing to do when there are marital
problems. Family, friends, clergy and others say, “Have you gotten counseling?”
Many spouses agree to attend. It usually lasts for a few sessions, if that. He/she
often enters counseling guardedly and with little intent to self disclose.
He/she usually in some fashion sabatoges counseling. It doesn’t work.
Here’s the kicker: the person is then able to say, “Well, we got counseling, and it
just didn’t work out!” Counseling becomes a rationalization to pull further
away.
Suggesting counseling, because it is socially sanctioned by your community, is
perceived by your spouse as coercion. Again, persuasion or coercion usually
gets the results you don’t intend and shifts the focus away from where it
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needs to be – your self care and your ability to take a firm, non-reactive stand and
move ahead with your life, with our without him/her.
So you want to get your spouse into counseling? Here’s your strategy: Say, “I want
you to know that I’m getting counseling. There are some changes I want to
make for my self. You are basically right, our relationship hasn’t been that
cool for me either. I want to learn why I attract the kind of people I do. I
want to prepare for my future. I’m going to make it!”
Depending on the kind of affair that confronts you, this is your best chance for the
two of you to resolve the relationship, with counseling being a helpful tool.
11) Tell him/her we need to work on the relationship
This usually means you want to go back to the way the marrige used to be.
You remember the good times and your intent is to recapture them. Or you believe
that the two of you, focusing on each other with more purpose, can change the flow
of the relationship.
To do that, you believe you need to try. This often means spending more time
together, dating, being more attentive to each other, reading self help books
together, buying each other gifts and in general, revisiting the courting stage of the
relationship.
This usually is very uncomfortable. One is the pursuer and the other hedges, forgets
or distances. There are constant thoughts of the OP (other person) by both parties.
The comparison game is played internally, but never talked about openly. The
stress and strain oozes beneath the surface.
The spouse involved with the other person may concede to trying, since it
serves basically the same purpose as counseling. He/she can at some point
say, “See, we tried and it just didn’t work.” It may ease the guilt or give
internal permission to pursue with more vigor the other person.
Trying does not get at the truth. Trying is a band aid that fails to alter the
underlying dyanamics of the marriage or the individuals. Trying to change the
relationship is again, other focused, and this only leads to a deeper sense of being
stuck.
Don’t work on the relationship. Here’s my mantra again: Work on you. No,
you don’t even have to work on you. Be you! If you don’t know who you are ,
find out and then be you. It really is ok. And, it really isn’t that difficult. At least it’s
much easier than trying to change another person or a relationship.
Oh yeah, one more thing. When you are you and stop trying to change someone or
something else, that someone or something else of investment cannot not change.
Think about it!
12) Let yourself go to pot
It is very easy when confronted with a trauma that rocks us to our soul to go back to
that which is ugly, negative and ultimaltely self-deafeating. We revert to the
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negative thoughts about ourself. We revert to those old negative feelings that rip at
our emotions and sometimes tear at our body. We revert to those old ways of
behaving that get us where we don’t want to go. We go back to what I call our
“familiar position.”
Allowing yourself to go to pot (and I know some who literally go there or
find some other substance to ingest that numbs) takes a tremendous
amount of energy. It takes more than facing head on what you need to face.
You continue on a downward spiral whereby each negative thought, word
and action builds on the other and accumulates. A cloud of negativity hinders
you from taking the action you need to take to see your way through. You become
stuck.
Of course, you understand, that when you go down that road, you become
exceedingly unattractive. You are exceedingly unattractive. This only reinforces
the negative self thoughts swirling in your mind. To think of yourself as desireable
and wantable seems a long ways off.
When in your “familiar position” you will resort to typical behaviors you use to get
what you think you want. Basically, you will either withdraw or attack. Neither will
serve you well.
OK, so what do you do? Well, it is impossible to totally avoid your negative feelings
and thoughts, so don’t try. It is also impossible to force yourself onto a diffferent
path. (That might last for a while, but the negativity will catch up to you).
There are a couple powerful strategies. First, just notice when you go where you
typically go. Don’t judge. Just notice. Allow the negativity to be there for a while.
Observe it. Learn from it. Be aware of how you are trying to protect yourself or how
you actually are trying to get what is important for you.
Be gracious to yourself. Accept the fact that you are sometimes where you don’t
want to be. Be kind to yourself. Look beneath. Look deeper. Look within. It will be
well worth it.
And, others will notice. They will see the change, and it will be attractive.
If you have questions or desire contact me, feel free to do so. The phone number
and email address is listed below.
Have you signed up as a member? I encourage you to do so. If not, go to the site
now,
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com and do so. Membership gives you
more tools, information, experts, support and guidance to break free from the affair
more quickly and more easily. Please join us, would you?
Dr. Huizenga is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 20 years of
professional experience, working with hundreds of couples and thousands of
individuals. He has done extensive research and study in the specialty area of
©How to Break Free from the Affair. 2003. All rights reserved. This may be
distributed provided there is absolutely no change in the content or format.
extramarital affairs.
