Tomorrow is my 5th wedding anniversary. It is really bothering me... I have had a tear in my eye for days now. WH called me a few days ago about a court issue that we are going through to change our sons last name. (Mix up at birth, on birth papers). Anyhow, I said well I have to go, and he said 'how does it feel to not be wanted?' I just hung up. He has court tomorrow for a criminal case, which I am not going to, because I already submitted my statement and the DA doesn't need anything else from me yet. I am sure he could care less that it is our anniversary...but I care. It is killing me. I go out for a walk with the kids and the dog and just cry. I can't believe where my life is, and on my 5th Anniversary I am in the process of a divorce. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but I can't seem to get out of this sadness.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Danielle

{{{Dani}}} Do something nice for yourself.

Dani,

I filed for divorce on our third anniversary - I understand your hurt. That being said, I will add that your WH is not a very nice person. What advice would you give your daughter if a man treated her this way?

Regards,

BB

i'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds as though you still care about your husband.

are you here to try to save your marraige or just for support as you go through a divorce?

my husband has been gone for 15 months. on our acciversery last year, he had been gone 3 months. he called to tell me he was thinking about me and he knew the day would be hard for us both. i told him i had forgiven him and i wish his gift to himself would be forgiving himself also-he got very angry and told me"it was over"

i found out just last month-he had been seeing the other woman AGAIN and that was why he left. that was shy he couldn't forgive himself. oh..and also because he blames me.

last month on our anniversery,he was calling trying to get me to sign a separation agreement-i don't even know if he realized or cared what day it was.

they say it will get better.....

Thank you FF.. I have class until 1:30, and then I need to come up with SOMETHING to do. I honestly haven’t met anyone around here yet, so that adds to the loneliness. I joined an ATV club that has a first meeting in September, which might be fun.

BB, My WH is NOT a very nice person, at all. And his parents are falling for his lies and games more and more. He is pretty nasty to be honest. He WAS a nice and loving man, but this guy he turned into is horrible. He has done and said some amazingly nasty things lately. When confronted with them he says 'you take everything to personal, I was kidding, get over it, don't make me mad and I won't have a reason to be like that, etc.' Nothing is his fault. He really has an issue with taking responsibility for his actions, or actually with even understanding that they are not OK! Honestly, if my daughter was being treated the way my WH treats me, it wouldn't be a pleasant day. I can tell you that the man and I would have words...I wouldn't deal well with it. The kids cry for their Dad nearly every night. It makes me angry at him, and sad for them. I once tried explaining this to him, and his response was 'well tell them I am in the Navy on a ship forever'.
I had been doing better dealing with him and distancing myself from his drama and destructive path. The whole anniversary date, and the fact that we are REALLY in court for the divorce process, and he seems to be very okay with it, is bringing me down...
Danielle

(((((Dani))))))
Sorry you are having such a hard day.I remember some of your history and you should be very proud of yourself for moving forward. Your WH is gonna have to hit rock bottom hard before he even has a chance to realize what could have been. I get the sense he is in a self imposed bottomless pit and will never have that chance. He is very self-destructive and makes a lot of collateral damage. I think you are doing the right thing...you have to protect you and your babies! You are giving them a better start at life then what you had. I think you are gonna be just fine. I wish we could move time ahead a year or 2 to see you finish your classes...to have laughter fill your house...to the first day of your new job...to the day you no longer doubt your descisions. Take good care of yourself you and your kids do deserve a better life.

Dani many hugs.

My first court appearance in divorce court was on VALENTINE'S DAY OK? Talk about feeling lower than a pregnant ant?

It's ok to cry. But you're crying for what COULD HAVE BEEN and not WHAT IS.

He's not himself. He's an alien. He may or may not come back from the mothership.

And yes, the IL's sometimes choose their own children. It is natural.

Read my post of what my xh psycho dude did on divorced/dating...he's a real piece of work...alien that stayed on the darn ship and was promoted to their commander!

Stay the course. Keep focused in school. It's a good diversion. Heal. Get working on your and making your homelife 4 yourself and the kids loving and peaceful. He's chosen chaos as his path. You cannot make choices for somebody else.

Tell yourself that when these feelings occur they are natural. But if they keep on and threaten to get you off the peaceful path, it is b/c of being your H's enabler for so long...and that is very damaging.

All the years of chronic enablement has helped this man continue down this chaotic path.

Until the enablers ALLOW this man to hit rock bottom, nothing will be any different.
\
And remember...it could happen...or it could NEVER happen. It could be within months...or it could be decades...or NEVER>

I had to realize that.

On that valentine's day, after crying my eyes out in court, hearing how my xh had squandered tens of thousands of $$ in las vegas, buying furniture with present ow/w, and buying lingerie at VS for not one but TWO WOMEN and flowers to TWO WOMEN, I was beyond consolable. People were hissing and booing my xh in court.

I found strength by seeing carved (by somebody who had sit in the same bench as myself...in court..family court..) a cross. I saw that somebody in their time of need, of pain, carved maybe with their car keys or something , a cross. I thought about WHY I was doing what I was doing and that nothing my stbxh could do now would change his course. I dried off the tears, sat tall, and walked out that courtroom with my head high and NO more tears. As I walked out, people pat me on the pack, gave me the thumbs up, and clapped as I exited with my lawyers behind me. Felt like a prize fighter or something. And as my xh walked out with his attorney, the people in the courtroom boo'd him and yelled angry things at him and some flipped him off. Another said "you did that to your lovely wife and child? SHAME ON YOU!".

It is a day. All days have a beginning and an ending. Lived thru that day I can say. And did well after that. Lived thru the day he married the ow. And did well after that. Lived thru the day his ow/w gave birth 2 mos later to their oc. Did well after that. Did well after finding out he's flipped out again...and somewhere smack dab in the middle of the crud, learned the power of forgiveness.

Peace is good. Remember this. Getting off the rollercoaster is good. Remember this.

And remember DANIELLE CAN ONLY CHANGE HER WORLD...THAT NOBODY IS MADE TO CHANGE...IT IS IN THEIR HEARTS TO DO SO OR IT IS NOT THERE AT ALL.

And from another angle, Dani, tomorrow is just Thursday.

Try not to get hung up on symbolic issues -- wedding rings, anniversaries, VD day. You have enough real issues to worry about. Rent, for example.

2004/05 is going to be one of the biggest bummer times of your life, but it won't last forever. You are making all the right moves. Congratulations. (I'm posting again because I know longer feel your life is in immediate danger, as I did before.)

Keep making payments towards a better future. It's coming towards you like a freight train.

Confused, JustPeachy, A.M.,
Thank you! You all really have no idea how much what you say to me means... A.M. I understand why you didn't post to me, and I apprecate your comments <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Yesterday was eventful but I stuck to my plan, and now WH and OW are both in jail.
In short....
At 2pm I was at the court house talking to the Probate Judge about a name change for my son. The Judge needed my WHs birth records. So...standing at the court house, I call WH on his cell phone, from my cell phone. He answers. I said, Hey, I need...and I hear HELLO! from the OW. I just got silent. I thought to myself, for petes sakes, I am at the court house trying to get a document from my WH and I can't deal with you right now...but said nothing. OW says 'who is this' I didn't answer, then I hear her say 'You F****** psycho B***, I will kill you' and I hung up. I told the Probate Judge that I would have to look into getting the records but they were unavailable at the moment. Then I went up stairs in the court house and saw the security officer, who happens to be a good friend of my late grandfather in law, and loves me to death. Anyhow, he and I were talking about how I am a fixer, and WH can't be fixed, and I need to cut the strings and let him make a fool out of himself in the court room as OW does quite well. We talked about how he can tell I look for men who NEED help not men who help THEMSELVES. (This man was a counselor for the jail for years). We talked about how WH was an amazing man, until we don't know what happened, but he isn't that now, and I can't waste my life taking care of a sick person who won’t seek help. This man is in the court room for 99% of the cases heard there, so he knows OW and her dealings and flat out said 'WH has no taste, loose him' and we laughed. Anyhow, I told him what OW said on the phone earlier, and he said 'wow, we don't tolerate that; you need to record all conversations'.

At about 5-6 pm I was driving down the road and saw Chris (a mutual, more WHs then mine, friend) and he waved me over. We sat at the quick stop and chatted for a few. I told him what the OW had said earlier, and how I scared because she doesn't stop when she gets in her crazed mindset. Just my luck, Chris says 'I know she said that, I WAS THERE!' I said "WHAT?" Yes, WH, Chris and OW all work for the same Direct TV company and there were all leaving a worksite when I called and Chris heard OW say that to me and take WHs phone. He said that OW and WH were laughing about it. So I asked Chris what he thought about it all. He basically said 'you need to drive down to the sheriffs’ office, and file on her, you have a protection order, and she has no respect for the law. I asked him if he would file a statement, to which he agreed.

I went down to the Sheriffs office, and from there on out I couldn't have wished for a better outcome. The Deputy who came to talk to me was the SAME deputy who arrested WH back in April with the OW. He was the one that the OW had FOOLED into thinking they were not talking, etc. From the moment he heard the Ows name, he wanted to bring her in, he had had enough. The Sheriff form the town that came to assist was none other then the officer who arrested WH in May for the theft case. He knew exactly what was going on. I explained the whole thing to them. Because *I* called, they were unsure if they could pick up OW on violation of protection order. They said they would have to get in touch with the DA. WHO walks in the office because she is working late? THE DA! She said yep, they are both in here. I am not dealing with her anymore, and he doesn’t have his own mind so he follows her like a stray dog. So, about an hour later, I dropped off statements from Chris and myself. About 20 minutes later the Deputy called me to tell me that he picked them both up driving down the road, and they were both in custody. WH for violation of bail, and OW for violation of bail and violation of protection order. Game over. Nice me would have ignored it, or tried to get them to arrest her but, oh be nice to WH, I love him. Yes I love him more then I can express, but I can't LIVE WITH HIS BEHAVIOR!!!

They will probably both go in front of the judge today to be charged, and post a bail for them (if they get one). We will see. Case management is the 29th, and WH is going to have little to say with a history like this. Of course, in his mind, it is MY fault, I am vindictive, horrible, out to get him....you know.. I am evil. What is evil is a man who doesn't care about his own kids...he lives with that every day...
They are fighting over a toy (MIND YOU, we have TWO the SAME, but DS 4yo says DD 2yos toy is NICER) Kids...they are so funny!

Danielle

This is PRICELESS Danielle!!

Don't blame you one bit, and I don't think you did a darn thing wrong! Way to go!

EXCELLENT point! Stop focusing on the "this day is...and this day was..." focus on This Thursday I need to get up and go to school...and study....and Friday I will be doing this will my kids...dont focus on what USED to be...focus on what IS now!

You are going to be just fine...look how strong you are. Good for you...its their consequence.

I'd say you're getting stronger everyday.

Be totally businesslike, Dani. As you are beginning to be.

I'm SO GLAD you reported OW's comments. Please take her threats very very seriously. Report everything. Protect yourself.

The more businesslike you are, the less they will be able to pull you into their drama as a central player. You will become less interesting to them. Eventually, they will develop other "enemies." Let's hope so, anyway. I still have a feeling that (they are armed, after all) their little movie will end in violence. Try to move yourself a way from being a target.

I don't want to have to stop posting to you again!

I am sure WH and OW will go before a judge today and have bail set. It won't be long before they somehow make bail.
I feel like I need to know when and what the conditions are. I know it should be none of my concern if they are in jail or not, but I feel like I need to know..
Blah.
Danielle

Thank you all for the encouragement. I am not upset with myself for reporting them at all. They both knew it was wrong, and the possible consequences. I do wish that they couldn't always just bail themselves out though. Our system is flawed. You commit a crime, stay overnight in jail, pay $500 and your out. Grrr..
I also wish that I could feel strong and independent all the time, not just in waves. I feel empowered and think I can keep going, then I feel depressed and miss the 'us' we had and I feel like crying all day, then I feel mad at him, then I get over it....a big cycle...one I am tired of.

Danielle

...also, you have a sympathic DA right now. You pull ANY stunt and she's going to write off the whole lot of you as just another Jerry Springer nightmare. Right now you look sane; just a poor wife trying to make the best of a horrible situation. Do NOTHING to change this POV. It makes him look all the worse, and you still have alot of court-time ahead of you. Cool as a cucumber...

Dont call or worry about whether they are in jail or not. In fact, take off, do something nice if you can. Detatch from the Soap Opera...

I am sorry your H said such nasty things to you. You are not unwanted by anyone who counts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Please take care! -Dru

Sorry to disagree with you, Dru, but I think she DOES need to know when they're out of jail. For her own protection. These folks are armed and dangerous.

Just keep it totally unemotional, Dani. Businesslike. No weeping, pleading, sentimentality, how-he-used-to-be. Nothing that can get you labelled as codependent, enabling, hysterical, even by a longshot. Save your emotions for us.

Find out what you need to find out so you can get your RO's in place.

Well I couldn't help myself. I called the court house and asked the clerk if they got bail posted. She was snappy and said 'just come in and we will print you copies of the dockets' Then as I said okay goodbye she said to the other clerk 'she is going to have to pay for those' They are $1 a page, BIG DEAL! I have paid $10 for a report at the county over. Grrr. It was criminal trials today, so I do have to be understanding.

The DA needed to talk to me about the theft case, so I left her a message this AM. I expect her call sometime, maybe today.

I then decided to cut to the chase and called the jail. OW posted $100.00 cash bail. SOMEONE, Brits Brat, ANYONE explain this to me. She was given a $500 UNSECURED bail on the 10th of August on her arraignment date for her first violation of protection order.
Last night she was arrested on Violation of BAIL CONDITIONS, and Violation of Protection Order. Then she gets out on $100.00 bail? The whole point of the $500.00 unsecured bail was if she violated bail she would have to pay the 500.00, not 100.00. I just am so darn amazed what she gets away with!!!
Then I asked about WH. He has a $300.00 cash bail, and is still in custody. Boy, does this upset me. It's HER I WANT IN JAIL! She is the one who threatened me... The court date for yesterdays events is Oct 27th, the day after WHs b-day. Good for her. She kicked him and all his things out on his birthday last year (see 2nd false recovery date in sig.) and this year she has court the day after. BLAH! I am not sure when the court date for the other violation is, should be sometime in October as well.

I act very professional in court, and in the jail. The DA does understand me. The only person who might be annoyed with me is the court clerk, yee haa. She doesn’t like looking up information or coping statements for me, every time OW or WH screws up. Oh well. If I am crazy or whatever I am in there every time either of them has a case involving me, or gets arrested involving me requesting a copy of the charges and statements, then so be it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I won't be caught dead scrambling for documents last minute for proof again.

I do talk to the court security officer about emotions and such, but I always have, before I had court issues. He was a family friend. He completely understands, and thinks WH has gone crazy...literally.
So in short, OW posted $100 bail and is free, WH has a $300 bail and is in jail still. This is so backwards. AHHH!
My MIL is going to HATE ME NOW! Oh well, HE KNEW BETTER!
I wonder if he is still going to have conditions that say he can't have contact with OW after this or not...we will see.

Don't worry about MIL hating you. She's got a longer learning curve in front of her. She'll get the picture eventually.

Maybe bring some flowers to the clerk -- apologize sweetly for the inconvenience you know you are causing her. Doesn't hurt to make friends.

One day my MIL will see the reasoning behind my actions, or she won't. I can't live for her. She moans and complins that she doesn't get to see the kids enough. BUT, she has NEVER once called me to ask if I would bring them over, she has NEVER once offered to come here or meet me anywhere. She expects ME to call and BEG to come over? You know, she can only complain so much. She has my number...

Would it be like "sucking up" and seen as an act of 'bridery' to bring the court clerks flowers? It wouldn't be, I just don't want to make the wrong statment.

Danielle