Do you think it is possible for someone to love another person because of who they are in the family. My husband wants me to LOVE his kids and I am not sure I can. I can like them but I am certain that I will ever love them.

This is something I can speak to --

When W and I married 14 years ago, she had two kids, ages 11 and 13. Their bio-father was a jerk and non-participatory. I started paying the price through their acting out and such. And to top it off, I just did not like the older daughter very much.

Unfortunately, I conveyed my frustration and feelings in one way or the other to my W.

You cannot fathom how negatively that has impacted our marriage (according to W). By not signing on board with loving the kids, I created a break with her that has leveraged against me more than once. As a mother, she explains, she is identified with her kids and perceived my feelings as a personal rejection. My ambivilance caused her to feel torn between me and her children and created tension that led to hostility toward me.

I don't know the personalities involved, but I'd say love is often an act of will over emotion and if you want to put your marriage first, I'd "love" the kids in whatever ways you can find to do.

Okay, I don't have kids of my own or any other kids in my life, but I know real love is not about feelings, but about actions. Real love is a choice. Therefore, you don’t necessarily have to like the kids or even feel love for him, but you can act loving towards them and act in such a way that it will show them that you have their best interest at heart...even if it means to discipline them and practice “tough love” on them when necessary. Often if people start to act in a loving way and make the willful choice to love, the feelings of love will start to follow. And hopefully when the kids start to notice your loving acts and care towards them, they will start to love YOU as well and even develop loving feelings towards YOU! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think we need the Love Bank principle here. You have an account in your step kids' Love Bank , and they have one in yours. Start making deposits, and soon they will start making deposits in your bank. As the adult you should take the first step. I think that any reasonable adult will put their own kids first so if you want to be with him you want to be with him then you don't have many options.

suzet* and not so sad have given you the best advice.
You can learn to love her kids, first start to act towards them in a loving way. Pretend you are an actor auditioning for a movie script if that helps. Only this movie is your life. The feelings of love will come. Sometimes the ones that are the hardest to love need it the most. Please try you could make a differance.
Faith

Hey, dkjjhkr!

I am in a similar situation. You must look at your W's kids this way; they are a part of her... you love her I'm assuming. With that you can find a way to love them. Use the Love Bank with the kids. You don't feel love; it's something you do. That is a very important lesson I have learned here and it has helped me immensely.