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Hi. I'm new here. My WH has been seeing a woman who works for him since March. I'm late to the MarriageBuilder info., but I think I've been doing ok. Here's my question...is there a best way for an affair to end, i.e. which provides the best chances for Reconciliation? For instance, is it better if WH breaks it off or if OW does? If he ends it because he'll miss the kids too much if we get divorced, is that not a good foundation for trying reconciliation? Am I just splitting hairs here and should I just be thankful if he comes back at all, regardless of the reason or circumstance?
-Trixie
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Trixie,
The "best" way, IMHO, is if the WS stops the A and then confesses to the BS, telling BS the he/she is truley remorseful, there will be No Contact ever again, and that he/she will devote their lives to making it up to you and to the marriage....in a perfect world!
"""My relationship with her is not a fantasy! We are good for each other" just to prove me and the MC wrong. Can someone dig their heels in so much that they'll turn their back on their family? Maybe they are really the 'real deal?'""
This is called FOGBABBLE and is caused by his brain being saturated with endorphins and pheremones from the physical intoxication of the A. The exact same chemical reaction a crack addict gets sucking on his/her pipe.
He is right though, it is not a fantasy, it is an ADDICTION!
Is the OW married? If so you must expose to OW's H, NOW!!
k
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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Trixie, First of all, best of luck in this process. I'm a newbie, too, and I wonder the same thing. I think the only way I'll feel comfortable is if WH ends affair, clearly has NC with OW, and starts really making an effort in MC. If I have to cause the A to end, or "break" the halo/fog of the addiction, then I won't feel like it was his decision. If he chooses that relationship over ours, I'd rather he not stay with me. I don't care how much I love someone, I'm not going to inflict myself into the A...I'll just try to build up a love bank, and start addressing some unmet EN's, but that's as much as I feel comfortable doing. I don't think my plan is a true MB technique, but so far, that's all I feel I can do. I'll send you my positive thoughts!!!
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TRixie, it's probably better if the WS ends the affair on his own, but it is certainly not a requirement for a happy marriage and really means very little in the end. The bottom line is that sanity usually returns once contact with the OP ENDS, no matter how it ends.
And often, a WS feels more endeared to his spouse - when he comes out from under the fog - if said spouse fought for the marriage, rather than just sit by.
Most affairs end under duress [as do most bad behaviors] and those marriages are just as happy as those that don't.
The reason it doesn't matter so much is because of the fogged out addictive mental state of the WS. A person in that state of mind is not equipped to make sound judgements anyway, so it doesn't matter if they decided to end the affair or if they were dumped.
Its sort of like an drug addict. Of course, you would like them to come to their senses and realize the error of their ways all on their own volition, but that is pretty unrealistic given their warped, drugged out mental state. Is thier recovery any better or different than those who sobered up because they thrown in jail by a judge? Nope, not in the long run.
The key to remember here is that the WS is in an impaired state of mind of anyway, so expecting them to make rational, meaningful decisions about their drug of choice [the affair] is sort of silly. It's all the same in the long run because what really counts is drying out the addict.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He's so stubborn that I think he will go to his grave saying "My relationship with her is not a fantasy! We are good for each other" just to prove me and the MC wrong. Well, you shouldn't be telling him his affair is a fantasy in the first place. He needs to come to this conclusion all on his own. Trixie, why don't you tell your story and we will see if we can help you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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One other thing to consider, Trixie, is that if you don't do everything in your power to effect an end to the affair, you might end up losing your marriage when you could have easily saved it. Ideally, a crack addict will give up his crack voluntarily, but am I going to let him die from crack overdose while I am holding out for ideal, but unrealistic, conditions?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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TRixie, it's probably better if the WS ends the affair on his own, but it is certainly not a requirement for a happy marriage and really means very little in the end. The bottom line is that sanity usually returns once contact with the OP ENDS, no matter how it ends.
And often, a WS feels more endeared to his spouse - when he comes out from under the fog - if said spouse fought for the marriage, rather than just sit by.
Most affairs end under duress [as do most bad behaviors] and those marriages are just as happy as those that don't.
The reason it doesn't matter so much is because of the fogged out addictive mental state of the WS. A person in that state of mind is not equipped to make sound judgements anyway, so it doesn't matter if they decided to end the affair or if they were dumped.
Its sort of like an drug addict. Of course, you would like them to come to their senses and realize the error of their ways all on their own volition, but that is pretty unrealistic given their warped, drugged out mental state. Is thier recovery any better or different than those who sobered up because they thrown in jail by a judge? Nope, not in the long run.
The key to remember here is that the WS is in an impaired state of mind of anyway, so expecting them to make rational, meaningful decisions about their drug of choice [the affair] is sort of silly. It's all the same in the long run because what really counts is drying out the addict. This was a really good post. I see so many people struggle with the fact that WS came back because they were dumped. Great post Mel!
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Divorced: "Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle
You believe easily what you hope for ernestly
Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Thanks weaver and Cymanca! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks, everyone, for your helpful insight. I'll start a new thread with my story and see what you all think. Wish I'd found this site a few months ago...hopefully, I can undo any missteps I may have already made.
Trixie
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I told WH the other day that I was not second best. This had come up at MC some time ago. I thought about what he said, that he didn't want to make me feel like I was second best.
WH chose met me and we chose each other first. I was first, she was second.
Welcome here Trixie & good luck!!!
Kimberly D-Day, May 14th DS, age 5 Married 13 years Was in NC .......
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I like your take on who was chosen first, Kimberly.
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I can relate - went out to dinner with friends last night & WH totally igored me the entire time. We sat next to each other in the booth, but I thought he was going to fall off the edge of the booth for fear of sitting too close to me & getting "cooties".
I have thrown the pity party off & on over the past few months. It is hard not too, come here for support & you will feel better.
There are some great threads here on PLAN A. Read, Read, Read. Study & learn. Be patient.
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005 Married 16 Years DS age 8 6 months Plan A Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery. 2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out. Plan B for my sanity "Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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