Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 81
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 81
Hi. I'm new here. My WH has been seeing a woman who works for him since March. I'm late to the MarriageBuilder info., but I think I've been doing ok. Here's my question...is there a best way for an affair to end, i.e. which provides the best chances for Reconciliation? For instance, is it better if WH breaks it off or if OW does? If he ends it because he'll miss the kids too much if we get divorced, is that not a good foundation for trying reconciliation? Am I just splitting hairs here and should I just be thankful if he comes back at all, regardless of the reason or circumstance?


-Trixie

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Member
K Offline
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
Trixie,

The "best" way, IMHO, is if the WS stops the A and then confesses to the BS, telling BS the he/she is truley remorseful, there will be No Contact ever again, and that he/she will devote their lives to making it up to you and to the marriage....in a perfect world!

"""My relationship with her is not a fantasy! We are good for each other" just to prove me and the MC wrong. Can someone dig their heels in so much that they'll turn their back on their family? Maybe they are really the 'real deal?'""

This is called FOGBABBLE and is caused by his brain being saturated with endorphins and pheremones from the physical intoxication of the A. The exact same chemical reaction a crack addict gets sucking on his/her pipe.

He is right though, it is not a fantasy, it is an ADDICTION!

Is the OW married? If so you must expose to OW's H, NOW!!

k


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,549
I
Member
Member
I Offline
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,549
Trixie,
First of all, best of luck in this process. I'm a newbie, too, and I wonder the same thing. I think the only way I'll feel comfortable is if WH ends affair, clearly has NC with OW, and starts really making an effort in MC. If I have to cause the A to end, or "break" the halo/fog of the addiction, then I won't feel like it was his decision. If he chooses that relationship over ours, I'd rather he not stay with me. I don't care how much I love someone, I'm not going to inflict myself into the A...I'll just try to build up a love bank, and start addressing some unmet EN's, but that's as much as I feel comfortable doing. I don't think my plan is a true MB technique, but so far, that's all I feel I can do. I'll send you my positive thoughts!!!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
TRixie, it's probably better if the WS ends the affair on his own, but it is certainly not a requirement for a happy marriage and really means very little in the end. The bottom line is that sanity usually returns once contact with the OP ENDS, no matter how it ends.

And often, a WS feels more endeared to his spouse - when he comes out from under the fog - if said spouse fought for the marriage, rather than just sit by.

Most affairs end under duress [as do most bad behaviors] and those marriages are just as happy as those that don't.

The reason it doesn't matter so much is because of the fogged out addictive mental state of the WS. A person in that state of mind is not equipped to make sound judgements anyway, so it doesn't matter if they decided to end the affair or if they were dumped.

Its sort of like an drug addict. Of course, you would like them to come to their senses and realize the error of their ways all on their own volition, but that is pretty unrealistic given their warped, drugged out mental state. Is thier recovery any better or different than those who sobered up because they thrown in jail by a judge? Nope, not in the long run.

The key to remember here is that the WS is in an impaired state of mind of anyway, so expecting them to make rational, meaningful decisions about their drug of choice [the affair] is sort of silly. It's all the same in the long run because what really counts is drying out the addict.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Quote
He's so stubborn that I think he will go to his grave saying "My relationship with her is not a fantasy! We are good for each other" just to prove me and the MC wrong.

Well, you shouldn't be telling him his affair is a fantasy in the first place. He needs to come to this conclusion all on his own.

Trixie, why don't you tell your story and we will see if we can help you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
One other thing to consider, Trixie, is that if you don't do everything in your power to effect an end to the affair, you might end up losing your marriage when you could have easily saved it. Ideally, a crack addict will give up his crack voluntarily, but am I going to let him die from crack overdose while I am holding out for ideal, but unrealistic, conditions?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Member
W Offline
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Quote
TRixie, it's probably better if the WS ends the affair on his own, but it is certainly not a requirement for a happy marriage and really means very little in the end. The bottom line is that sanity usually returns once contact with the OP ENDS, no matter how it ends.

And often, a WS feels more endeared to his spouse - when he comes out from under the fog - if said spouse fought for the marriage, rather than just sit by.

Most affairs end under duress [as do most bad behaviors] and those marriages are just as happy as those that don't.

The reason it doesn't matter so much is because of the fogged out addictive mental state of the WS. A person in that state of mind is not equipped to make sound judgements anyway, so it doesn't matter if they decided to end the affair or if they were dumped.

Its sort of like an drug addict. Of course, you would like them to come to their senses and realize the error of their ways all on their own volition, but that is pretty unrealistic given their warped, drugged out mental state. Is thier recovery any better or different than those who sobered up because they thrown in jail by a judge? Nope, not in the long run.

The key to remember here is that the WS is in an impaired state of mind of anyway, so expecting them to make rational, meaningful decisions about their drug of choice [the affair] is sort of silly. It's all the same in the long run because what really counts is drying out the addict.

This was a really good post. I see so many people struggle with the fact that WS came back because they were dumped.

Great post Mel!

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,892
C
Member
Member
C Offline
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,892
Melody,

Great posts!


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Thanks weaver and Cymanca! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 81
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 81
Thanks, everyone, for your helpful insight. I'll start a new thread with my story and see what you all think. Wish I'd found this site a few months ago...hopefully, I can undo any missteps I may have already made.


Trixie
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
K
Member
Member
K Offline
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
I told WH the other day that I was not second best. This had come up at MC some time ago. I thought about what he said, that he didn't want to make me feel like I was second best.

WH chose met me and we chose each other first. I was first, she was second.

Welcome here Trixie & good luck!!!

Kimberly
D-Day, May 14th
DS, age 5
Married 13 years
Was in NC .......

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 81
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 81
I like your take on who was chosen first, Kimberly.

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
K
Member
Member
K Offline
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
I can relate - went out to dinner with friends last night & WH totally igored me the entire time. We sat next to each other in the booth, but I thought he was going to fall off the edge of the booth for fear of sitting too close to me & getting "cooties".

I have thrown the pity party off & on over the past few months. It is hard not too, come here for support & you will feel better.

There are some great threads here on PLAN A. Read, Read, Read. Study & learn. Be patient.

Kim


D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 81
T
Member
Member
T Offline
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 81
LOL, Kimberly!


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,117 guests, and 78 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Zion9038xe, renki, Gocroswell, Allen Inverson, Logan bauer
72,026 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by rossini - 07/20/25 10:36 AM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by leemc - 07/18/25 10:58 AM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Spying husband arrested
by coooper - 06/24/25 09:19 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,520
Members72,026
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0