Hi,
I have posted my story before. My Wife had an affair for 5 weeks. I caught her after 1 week and she continued to see om. We seperated for a week so she "could think". well all she did was use the seperation to take the affair further. I blew up and told her she needed to come home to work on the marraige or I wanted out.She has been home for 2 weeks with nc with om, however my plan A blew up over the weekend.The ultimatum of course didn't help. I really blew it.I just couldn't see us seperating for the wrong reason (om). I just lost it a couple of times and pushed her further away.
Well in counseling today she expressed interest in ending our marriage and kept saying she "can't do it, it's not there for me" refering to reconciliation efforts and her feelings for me.I kept saying "If we both put in the effort we could do it". My wife is just not very strong emotionally and can't push herself to change.She also has fallen big time for this om.my w said she wanted to make a decision about us but couldn't under all the pressure. When the counselor asked about what her decison would look like she said ending her relationship with me, not the om.I am devestated to hear this. I came to the realization that seperating would be a good idea. I can't force her to be a wife or want to change for our marriage.I can't plan A when she is not even halfway committed to saving our marriage.
I am hoping that this relationship with the om will fade while I am gone, because I won't be here to meet the needs I know he can't meet.
The counselor said that we should come up with a plan for seperation. Can anyone help with this? I have know Idea how to plan a seperation.
we have no kids and I just feel like it's over. I want so bad to work things out but my wife wavers back and forth. Is there any hope?

Well to be honest with you, while she is still in the affair, MC is going to do NO GOOD at all, you're wasting your money.

Have you exposed??????? You need to expose the *A* to anyone that would have any influence on them at all.

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE.......it's risky, but it's certain death for your marriage without it.

-Caren

I exposed to everyone the first week. We have been trying to deal now for 7 weeks.She has had NC for 2 weeks, but I can tell she is comtimplating seeing him again. She thinks they are in love.I have plan Aed twice already with her going back to contact w om. Everyone knows what is going on and supports me 100%. Her family (8 of them) have lost all trust in her as have I.She won't go stay with them because she will have to sneak to see om. I am fully aware of her intentions despite her babble. she is a cake eater my friend. I just feel I have to leave her for her to understand what she is throwing away. I hate to do it but if she needs to find out the hard way that her fantasy world will crash, so be it.She spends every night distancing herself from me anyway. Ihave tried everything so far and nothing works. she is just to immature to deal (29 going on 19). she stated in counseling that she wanted to be able to go out with her friends alone. the counselor even looked perplexed. She expects trust after two weeks of NC. She is just in her own world.

kdh, can I make a suggestion? Please find a qualified counselor who is PRO-MARRIAGE. Your MC is WORTHLESS and HARMFUL to your marriage. She is not pro-marriage and is giving you terrible advice that is likely to destroy your marriage. It would be better - and safer - to flush the money down the toilet and save yourself the gas money. Your marriage would fare much better if you flushed the money down the toilet. And I mean that SINCERELY.

It's a good idea to find a MC who is experienced and knowlegable in adultery; yours is not. She doesn't understand the addictive, temporary nature of affairs, yet she is recommending an action that can DEVASTATE your marriage. Your risk of divorce goes way up if seperated. Not only that, but it will only give your W the freedom to PURSUE her affair unimpeded.

You cannot possibly work on your marriage if you are seperated.


Here is your plan for seperation: you have NO plan for a seperation, only for MARRIAGE. You will only discuss ways to work on the marriage, not methods that will destroy it.

Then do yourself a favor and call a QUALIFIED, EXPERIENCED, PRO-MARRIAGE counselor who understands and specializes in adultery and marital restoration. Call up Dr. Steve Harley of Marriage Builders and he will do phone counseling with you. He will assess your situation and give you a PLAN to save your marriage. He will be worth every penny and will not waste your time.

kdh, in the meantime, keep your focus on Plan A. Do your best to meet her needs, don't be overbearing and avoid lovebusters. Be as pleasant as you possibly can.

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Yeah I felt really uncomfortable with this woman telling me that I needed to take the risk that my Wife whom is in NC for 2 weeks be in a situation where contact with om is inevitable.She was encouraging my wife when she started to babble about ending our relationship.
My wife kept stating that she felt obligated to reconcile and that she felt she couldn't do it.It was too hard ect.. She said nothing to her that would help.
i know seperation is bad that's why i didn't want it. i screwed up by saying out of frustration that I would leave.
How do i get out of it now? i feel stuck.

She is a typical PC PRO-DIVORCE counselor. We see their victims on this forum quite often. Especially MEN.


You say that you have rethought it and know that it is a BAD IDEA. You will not be leaving your home in order to accommodate your W's affair NOR will you contribute in any way to the demise of your own marriage. You will only discuss ways to work on your marriage.

How nice that you offered to move out to accommodate her affair. The OM could just move right in!

Call Dr Harley, kdh. He charges about $185 and is worth every penny. He won't waste your time with nonsense.

kdh -

I completely agree with Mel. The counselor that we were seeing suggested a "therapeutic" separation, and had us come up with a separation plan. I was completely against it, but my husband decided he wanted to try it. Our "plan" specified a period of 4 months, but within two weeks he informed me over the phone that he had no intention of returning. Some therapists do more harm than good.

Yeah I agree.But I work out of this home so him moving in won't happen.I just don't want to feel like I am holding my wife hostage, you know.
I tried to suggest the contract of undivided attention and she cut me off and said "Well both parties have to want that" and turned to my wife and encouraged her to say she didn't want it. I have a psyc degree I saw what she was doing.The counselor was pissed that i would make a suggestion (after all I am the patient why listen to my suggestion) so she sabotaged me.
Anyway, I told my wife how I felt and she agreed to start over again. The last two weeks she has been in widthdrawl and I understand why she was pushing me away.She doesn't understand and thinks that there can never be a spark again.

In other news: My wife confronted me about an email I sent to the om job. apparently the law office he worked for didn't like what I wrote. Yeah baby!! I finally made him uncomfortable and my wife can no longer protect him. Of course she says she doesn't understand how it helps and tried to defend him. I clearly explained that the om has to know that there are consequences for going after a married woman(this dirtbag is single). She said that he was wondering if he should contact me. I said yes and I will tell him exactly what I am telling you. Stay away or I will make sure he is dealt the consequences he deserves again. should I care if he gets fired?? Of course not.
Also, the ex boyfriend of my wifes enabler(best friend who hid her affair for her) offered me a place to live. this fact is killing the enabler and she is pissed. I finally feel like i have some redemption in all of this.

Hostage? Are you tying her up or something? She is free to walk out the door. kdh, don't you DARE move out of your own home. That would be a terrible mistake that would only enable her affair. If she wants to seperate then it is imperative that she suffer the full effects of losing her home in pursuit of that goal.

Good job on exposing OM at work! Now, can ya get his parents #?

I am not moving my friend.If she wants to leave, she can leave. Honestly I have had enough of the abuse. I don't have kids and I can find someone else down the road.I am going to tell her tonight that if she wants to leave, leave. I am no longeer going to deal with this little girl act.