Found out my husband was having an EA back in April. He claimed it was just and EA then, but I'm sure it's an EA/PA now. He's been 'on the fence' since. He's been searching for the answer to whether it's worth it to work on our marriage or better to leave. Some other facts as I recall:
--OW is married with 2 kids
--EA had just been going on for a few weeks when I confirmed my suspicion. He was already 'in love' with her at that point.
--OW husband found out a month or so after I did...I get the impression that he doesn't know the depth of it. I haven't been in contact with him and don't know how he'd react.
--Other people who know...his parents...not long after I found out his Mom called when I was home alone, caught me at an emotional time so I told her what was going on. She came to talk to him and he was furious with me and her. I've confided in a few friends and my sister, but that's about it.

I feel like his emotional punching bag. If he has a fight with OW, then he's a jerk to me. If someone cuts him off in traffic, then it's my fault for not driving, etc..It's already so stressful as a work outside the home mom with 2 small kids. Here are some questions I could use your thoughts on...
-- I feel so rejected trying to fill his love bank. I think his bank has a hole in the bottom. His big EN seems to be affection, but it's hard for me to be affectionate knowing he's getting/giving affection with someone else. I kind of feel like if I weren't available to be his emotional punching bag, then he'd direct his anger towards OW instead of me.
-- He never expressed deep discontent with our relationship before this and now all of the sudden he never really loved me and he's never felt so strongly about anyone as he does with the other woman. Thoughts on encouraging a person to express his needs?

Thanks for 'listening'

I don't think it would do much good to get him to express him needs while he is in the throes of an affair. That is like deciding to paint the engine room on the Titantic while it is sinking. Know what I mean?

But I guess you do have some big problems on your hands if you can't bring yourself to expose the affair. That is the most effective way to bust up an affair. I just don't know any other way to bust up an affair. You could wait a few years and see if it dies out, though. Are you a patient person?

I'm just curious, how do you know the OW's husband knows about the affair?

Hi Trixie,

Glad you found MB's. Stick around here & you will learn a lot! These people are great. I am sorry you are having to go through this!!!

Plan A is VERY hard, but you CAN do it. Read everything that you can here & purchase the book Surviving an Affair. I am no expert & am working on my own problems(including the exposure - yep I guess you could call me a chicken too).

Don't go into Plan B just yet. I know it is tempting, I have wanted to do that so many times.

Good Luck!

Kimberly
D-Day, May 14th
DS, age 5
Married 13 years
Was in no contact.....

WH told me about OW husband. He sounds like he's love busting all over the place. Of course, I'm sure he's being demonized like me. Should I call him?

Trixie, your H is likely lying about the OW's H knowing. This is a real common ruse to keep you from calling him so you don't mess up their affair. I would call the OWH FIRST and then call her boss, and then her parents. All in the same day.

It's best to do it all in one fell swoop so the infidels feel the full effect of the exposure. It is also easier to clean up the damage from one huge exposure than several small, ineffective ones. But call the OWH first so there is no chance his W can pre-empt you and warn him that some jealous nut thinks she is having an affair with her H.

And whatever you do, DON'T forewarn your H you are going to do this. That will take away all your leverage.

MelodyLane's right! My WH told me that the OWH already knew. He didn't.

Kim

Good thoughts...not like it would be the first time that he lied to me.