Told him what has been going on, and how things have been going. He said his take on the situation is the same as mine....WH is still in contact with OW.....he is just getting good at hiding it.

He also said our M is NOT dead, but it's critically ill.

Then he asked me if I had thought about divorce.....and I told him "yes, quite a bit".

He had me write this down (after asking me "And what are you going to do?"):

"WH, you haven't stopped hurting me by ending contact with OW.

We haven't followed a healing strategy that will allow us to put all of this behind us. We haven't followed a plan that woud allow us to be happy together for the rest of our lives.

I want to create such a map, but until you are willing to do this with me, I want you to leave. We can't be together because we are hurting each other too much.

BE VERY CLEAR. I know we can do this, but not under these conditions.

Let me know when you are willing."

SH said I should say it to him, and hand it to him as a letter. Then go very dark. Have someone I trust listen to and delete my voice mails (because we all know the pattern- a couple of days of silence, then the flood of phone calls).

I told my friend about this today, and said, I just don't know how to begin this without it happening during a crisis time - like discovering a voice mail from OW, or something like that.

It's been so quiet around here......like we have NOTHING to say to each other, we do nothing together - like roommates.

My friend said "You need to gird your loins, and just do it."

And then I begin to think of all the other times before, and wonder what WH's reaction will be this time. It both scares and sickens me.

How do I start this conversation?

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Edited to say M is NOT dead - thanks Eav

I forgot.....SH had me make a deal with him.....that I would NOT let WH return until I clear it with him first.

I agreed.

K

((((K))))))
This is a big step...think of it as a leap of faith. You need to shake something up to get back on track. You can start the conversation by saying something about WH not looking happy and you want to have a happy marriage..not one where you merely co-exist. How does that sound?

He also said our M [color:"red"] is [/color] dead, but it's critically ill.

did you mean to say "our marraige IS NOT dead"?

Hi Confused.....

Thanks for the hug......I really needed it. Right now I feel like all my "life force" has leaked out, and I'm flat as a punctured balloon.

Your idea sounds good.......

K, from what I remember of your story you have been going through this for a long time and settling for crumbs along the way hoping WH would be true to his word.

You deserve SO MUCH more! At this stage in your marriage you guys should be having some fun and enjoying life together. The kids are grown...its time to celebrate your accomplishments...not sit at home and be ignored. Gather your strength...you can do this.

Thanks Confused.....

I need all the support I can gather.......this has got to be the real deal this time.

Like I said in my recent post, I've lost a lot during the past couple of years - both of my parents, two very old and beloved pets, and my M.

And I know I deserve so much more than this sad, messed up life I've had this past year.

Pray for me.

K

I will pray for you and your WH. Try to get some rest.

Thanks.......I'm exhausted. Far too much stress in my life lately.

Your prayers are greatly appreciated.

How is it going today?

Hi Confused......

Feeling better today.....got some sleep last night while WH was at band practice.

Today, WH acts his normal self. I'm wondering if he thinks everything is smoothed over and forgotten?

I wonder if he thinks I'm just going to turn a blind eye to his continued contact with OW, and allow it?

I guess I'll never know - I don't even think he knows himself.

I project Saturday as "the day" -

Howdy, K! Are you projecting or are you planning?

K wrote, "I told my friend about this today, and said, I just don't know how to begin this without it happening during a crisis time - like discovering a voice mail from OW, or something like that.

It's been so quiet around here......like we have NOTHING to say to each other, we do nothing together - like roommates."

K, all I can say is that I feel so incredibly sad for you. Why do you need a specific crisis to tell your H to leave? The crisis is that he is and has been disrespecting you for so long by being in an A.

K, when my H was in the A, before I knew about it, I could have written that second paragraph about having nothing to say to each other. Of course H didn't want to talk about our crappy R, because then he might actually have to stop lying to me. Or he'd have to keep lying to me. So the best option was just keep avoiding. When I got to that point pre-d-day of realizing I just had to leave the M because of the lack of intimacy and lack of effort by H, I thought, "There's nothing worse than being lonely in a M. I'd rather be lonely alone."

K, I think I've asked you this before. What's really holding you back? Is it finally admitting to yourself that your M might really end? I know that thought is awful, but what you have been living through, IMHO, has got to be more awful.

The last time I heard from you, you had found those calling cards. You said after your child's wedding you were going to give your H the boot. Why are you still struggling with this issue? I understand why Steve is telling you not to take your H back until you talk to him first. This pattern your in of doing Plan B, your H comes back, contact is discovered, and the circle of lies continues.

I'm not 2x4ing you. I just want to smack the heck out of your H, then maybe push his OW in a bit of sewage, then I want to take your hand and help you get out of this mess.

K, reclaim your life! On your last thread I suggested you call OW and tell her she can have your H. Steve might not like that advice so you can disregard it. I just want you to let them live with their lies and deceipt so you can be free of it. You have been through way too much. I can tell you that if your H gets to the point of realling going NC, and really wants to recover, you will know the A is over. I'm sending you a huge hug and praying that you have the courage to reclaim your life. CV

think of yourself going on an adventure you have never beeen on before k. how long has it been since you have done something to ensure your happiness? think of today or tomorrow when you deliver the "message" to h as the first day of living your life in happiness for the rest of your life.

Perhaps starting out like "Dear h, I am not happy and in order for me to live in happiness this is what I need to have happen"

Amazingly enough women in general do so much for everyone else they don't know how to do for themselves......i think this is why it is awkward for you.

I was asked to make a list of what makes me happy and what does not. What i need and want in my life. I was told to write it down. If it is not written, it is not a plan.

Harley is awesome, he will not steer you wrong. by your posting today, you helped me remember some of the things I need to do in order to continue my journey forging ahead.....thank you.

I am holding your hand while you go through this new territory.

K,
I get it--I always waited for a crisis or proof to confront my FWH and did two Plan B's only after many, many re-contacts. It is hard and it is scary, but I think the journey you are on is one to TRUE and total acceptance of your love for yourself DESPITE the fear. You are on the precipice, but you absolutely MUST walk into that fear.

You are justified and much more so crisis or no. He is still in contact and he is NOT working on your M OR himself.

Hoping he will change isn't going to do it and you are not going to do it for him. That has already been proven again and again.

Be willing to be lonely and scared for a while. It won't last!
Enforce your boundaries NOW.

"Conflict avoidance does only one thing. Causes more conflict." Patriot92

Why wait until Saturday?

Putting it off won't make it easier..you've tried that and it hasn't worked. I know because I'm in the same boat. My WH should have stayed away when he left last March. I let him back too soon and didn't make my boundaries strong enough. We keep going around in the same circle. He won't commit to the M but he won't leave. I've been giving him the power to make that decision and he hasn't done it I don't think he will ever do it on his own. So I have to step up and so do you.

You can do this...we can do this.

Spoken by a former crisis-waiter, you will spare yourself much pain if you just act, and don't wait around for it to get to a certain state of 'bad'.

I think if you wait for a crisis to act, your H will assume you are acting impuviely out of anger, and think ,"Oh, she'll get over it". If you go to plan B at a time when things are relatively calm, I think it will better convey that you have given this action a lot of thought and that you mean it. JMHO

k,

I can put myself into your shoes and I know how hard this step must be and yet I wanted to share my thoughts with you.

I think the very most important step towards a loving relationsip is to "love yourself" and to be #1 for youself.

When I read your posts k...........your mind is twirling about what your husband might be thinking.........

sit down and ask yourself what it is that "YOU" want for "YOURSELF!!!"
What is it that you love so much about your husband??? What makes you feel good about him???
Is it the present behaviour...........I can't imagine this being true for your situation.............or???

You are dwelling in the past and you are longing for what once was, k.

"You can close one door and many doors will open, but if you don't peek into the "new open" doors, you will never see what can be possible".

I don't know what the medical possibilies are like in the US but here I know aot of women in approx. the same situation that are getting help through a "Short-time Treatment" in a Clinic.
This helps them to "get away" from the terrible situation and they have "instant" help when required. It's usually the first step that's the hardest and alot of people need help to get through with this until they can handle it on their own.
I hope you don't get me wrong............but I have a few friends that have been helped tremendously by doing this.
Even a girlfriend of mine (her husband had a 4 year affair) had a breakdown and didn't know how to cope with situation on her own.
She went for help (2 weeks) and they are back on track now.
At the beginning she intended to end her marriage. Her husband was in deep fog. No cooperation at all from his side.
She grew so much stronger getting indivual medical/pyscol. help and this helped her to set very straight boundaries. She learned about her own flaws and why she couldn't seem to set boundaries and stick to them.
This was a cycle that she learned to change but only with the help of qualified people.

They are back on track again and from what I can see (just saw them last night) she is very strong and her husband is completely dedicated to her again.

I don't know if I'm completely "off track" but if you feel that you can't go through with this situation.......couldn't you get help for yourself???

I know I would of needed it if my husband wouldn't of gotten his head back onto his shoulders so quickly, and I would of done this for "myself".

k, I wish you only the best!
hugs
bb



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