Hey Eibrab,

I have been thinking of you today... it is one of those remarkably beautiful fall days here ...the air alight with glowing sunshine.

Blue and I just made a quick trip to Starbucks and the park of course. Seasons changing always makes me reflect on how fast time passes us by.

I so know your pain. You are in the crux of it. Surrounded by triggers that can piece your heart. If you let them... remember it is you who make that choice.

You can instead really look at your heart and see it for how fine it truly is.. full of warmth...love.. patience.. strength. Awash with understanding.. even for those who make and continue to make poorly guided choices.

You are the beacon... my dear... you are guiding your family to safe harbour..

Big hugs.. Paradise

________________________________________

Paradise - oh how we so need you here.

A while back I posted about a hole in my heart. and it seems to be just hanging there in the wind... hole and all

Then you come along with kind words for Eibrab - but I hope you are aware of how many, many other wounded hearts out here that you help along the way...

I am going to hold onto what you posted above to Eibrab and try to mend my heart...

Sending warm autumn wishes for you and Blue.

Car

PB, Duk and Carnation...

I have found that, while silence affords me much time to think, it also leaves me too much time to dwell.

Harvest is in full swing now. 4 to 5 combines running all over, breakdowns, yield worries, you name it.

And, I've got more..

A week ago, at the local high school football game which H takes the kids to every home game, I got a frantic call from my daughter that she just saw her father in the company of the MOW (whom PB calls Chip, LOL).. I prematurely panicked, though I shamefully feel not one bit of remorse, and in turn called H and told him if he respected this family at all, he would remove himself from present company, and then I called MOWH.

Leave it to me, eh?

MOWH thanked me..and we both agreed, whether this was an innocent gathering (there were a few other folks from the little league football team in the group talking) or not, that these two have NO right to disrespct either of us by being seen within miles of each other in public.

I made my peace with H. I know that he immediately moved, but that was caught in conversation with another in the group as he walked by and was not (I do trust this, actually) thinking he was in MOW's company.Funny, how this woman is suddenly appearing at the high school games now, too.

Since last week...I have received one horrid voicemail (which I have saved) and 9 nasty text messages to my cell.. all of which I have saved and none of which I have responded to.

One text even explains what a disgusting person I am for not working the concession stand at one of my son's games. I did, however, replace myself with a responsible adult. I will share with you for chuckles, that this concession stand run by the Head coach's Wife (HCW) and MOW is usually set up very nicely under a cute portable tent with banners.. On my scheduled morninng, there was no tent, no banner and a junky little table.. LOL, they truly got me with that one, eh?

I did contact the authorites who said that I have enough to file an incident report and they will pay her a visit for telephone harrassment.

I have not done so, yet.I have shared some, but not all, with my H and we have not discussed this. I feel this is a matter between MOW and I. I am waiting to see how I should handle this. Harvest is such a hard time for us all, and for once, H is really giving me the red-carpet treatment. Every breakdown this fall has not been fault, can you imagine? Maybe he knows what is going on..maybe MOW is after him, too, and he is simply grateful that I am handling my own.

I have not contacted this woman in any form for over 2 1/2 years.

Today our game is a bit later this afternoon.. we have only 2 left. Keep your fingers crossed for me..I will not stoop to this level.

I hope <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .

I pray for each of you every day and hope this finds you well.

Many, MANY, Blessings...


Eibrab

Carnation, my dear friend...

Sometimes we have to sew up that hole ourselves. I think the affected area may just even be twice as strong then..

I care.

Eibrab

Oh Eibrab, thank you so much for the kind words.... it teared me up as only true words can....

Yikes, you certainly have been through alot lately... But - I believe the best part of it all is that your H is standing by you and loving you. With his support and love - the two of you, as a team can get through anything !! yucky FOW included...

And, you my dear, have already shown to everyone how tremendously strong you are !!!

Here's to a great harvest for all....

Carnation

Hi Eibrab,

By now, football will be over, the harvest will be mostly done and I expect you will breathing a sigh of relief.

Ironically, after going through all this turmoil.. you may end up with a better marriage in a way. One with depth, true understanding and enhanced mutual regard. I wish you could know how proud I am of you. You have behaved so well, so graciously through this.

Carnation2 glad to know you are well, still offering wisdom and friendship to those in need...

Blue and I are well, we have been busy.. it seems time flies. My friend with the chip wagon has already packed and left for Greece. I have dug out my fleece lined jeans as we are having cold days.. and I am looking forward to the winter.

I will try to take the time to journal more. It does sort out your thoughts.. though mostly I find I am happy these days..I've accepted the change. It is all OK.

Big hugs to you both...and especially to that Dukhuntr guy!

Paradise

Hey Blue, the answer to your question is time and lots of it. God bless your heart, you deserve so much more for your investments than a selfish adolescent for a husband. Anyone who is willing to throw away all that you worked together to build, you are better off living without! You're on the right path however, give yourself plenty of time,space,freedom and acceptance to pick up the pieces of your life and move forward. Build a new life just for YOU! Never forget and therefore never be vulnerable again. "Guard your Heart, for out of it are the issues of LIFE. I see it's been about a year since you posted, how are things now?

p.s. Blue, keep in mind the fact that all this has nothing to do with your self worth. We all have a "fallen" nature which makes us(men,women,even you) incapable of the kind of love we all desire. There is only one who is worthy of your love and only one who is capable of true love. Give your heart to him. Peace beyond understanding.

Hi B!

It is good to see you checking in once in a while. I sense a calmness in you that I think is a wonderful thing. I hope you and Blue are well and adapting well to the new life.

I have been in "dukhuntr heaven" lately. The duck season started again and it has been a godsend. Jaime is maturing into a truely gifted retriever. Dad let her get a little out of shape and she has paid the price with a lot of soreness but she won't stay in if I am going out.

I miss our talks and reading your journals on a regular basis, but I know we both have grown and moved on in our lives and don't need to same amouts of support and encouragement. I do wish we could talk occasionally though. I think of you as a friend and would love to continue that if you are up for it. I have a new e-mail address **edit** so use it sometime and lets catch up with each other every now and then.

Hi L!

It is good to hear you sounding so well. I am remiss.. I am letting life just sweep me along and falling well behind in keeping up with my friends.

What could be better for a dukhuntr than duck season! I will try to do the occassional journal post. I must admit I like reading through them.. they are the story of a passage of sorts.

Life has been busy here. My days just seem so full. During the worst of getting over my marriage break up. I got behind and I have been playing catch up in a big way.

Be well .. all of you ... big hugs ..

Paradise

Hey Guys!

I need some advice from my friends here at MB. I am an idiot when it comes to trying to read signals from a woman. Too simple I guess! I have been seeing Safari Girl again for the last several months. Everything has been great! We have been travelling together, going to weddings together, basically being a complete couple. Now all of a sudden she says she can't do this anymore because she doesn't feel it's right because she doesn't feel she can make a real committment to me yet.

WHAT THE HE)))???? Where is she coming from??? She still wants to do all the same stuff only now its a kiss on the cheek and goodbye at the end of the evening. We still go to concerts, movies and out to dinners, etc. all the time. All on my nickel. I enjoy being with her but it is bothering me that we have moved so far backward in terms of our relationship.

My friends all think she is done with me but she is still in love with my credit card. I like this woman very much and find this hard to believe. What is your feeling?

Duk...

Do you like this woman or the company?

I suppose that would affect my answer.

Eibrab

Hi Eibrab!!!

Not sure what I like more. She's a very bright and intelligent person and we have fun together. At the same time she's no where near as affectionate as I am.

I guess its the fact that she sends so many mixed signals and then gets nervy when I ask what she really wants that gets me the most. ie, lets go out of town to my friends party and you buy everything and yet we're just friends still? Here's you birthday present of concert tickets and by the way you get to take me to dinner before the concert.

Thanks for answering Eibrab, I miss hearing from you! How are things going now that football is over? I hope you are well and content finally.

Hi Dukhuntr,

I would just have a quiet chat and let her know you think she is sending you mixed signals. If she does just want to be friends.. so be it..

Always hard to sort out what is fair on who pays what. It seems she has definite ideas on that and perhaps you just have to weigh how much you value her company relative to the expense.

At least.. she gets you out of the house..and presumbably makes you feel good when she is around.

Hey Eibrab.. good to hear from you. I hope life has settled down since football is over. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Blue and I are well. I find it lonely at moments.. at other times I am at peace.

Big hugs...

Paradise...

Duk..

I have attempted to answer you a few times here and have been met with a freeze-up in my cyber communciations.. I think this might have reached you sooner if I had used a pigeon.

If there is one person in this world, I'd never, ever want to disagree with..it's Paradise. I know you feel exactly as I do..respect and admiration aren't even big enough words.

Geez.. I wish I could put her words in my mouth on every occasion LOL !

However, this time..I have to grimace a bit..didn't you corner this woman once before on this very thought and come right out and ask? Didn't she sort of "run" ?

My first impression is probably not real positive. Women are sneaky..it sucks. However, how important is it to you right now to know ? Is it worth spending the holiday season alone if she bolts again?

I am certainly not advocating that you continue to be "used"... oh my no. Possibly a more subtle way of maintaining a friendship here would be to simply say at the next function or outing "what's my half?" with a smile on your face?

If she bolts...then you've got an answer that is far easier on the heart at this time of year than "just friends for me as long as you are paying"..

Paradises's words here hold true:

"Always hard to sort out what is fair on who pays what. It seems she has definite ideas on that and perhaps you just have to weigh how much you value her company relative to the expense.

At least.. she gets you out of the house..and presumbably makes you feel good when she is around."

I just feel that if you come right out and ask her, knowing her history of shying away..you loose out on the option of having her company by your own choice.

Does that make any sense?

You get an answer and you don't scare her... She may be a wonderful gal with a commitment phobia or she may be otherwise. I just wouldn't want the hammer to completely fall on a dear friend who seems to have found some happiness peeking through.

Bless you my friend..

Eibrab

PB, Duk and Carnation..

I am holding my own is about all I can say <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .

I made it through football with minimal harrassment. Towards the end I received a bunch of texts messages and a few voicemails that I staunchly refused to answer but kept in file. All from MOW..all disgusting and all after almost 2 1/2 years of no cummincation between she and I.

I held my head high.

They tried to push a travelling basketball team through on me too.. with the same company. I caught it..I handled it the way I wanted to.. caught some flack and didn't care.

There comes a point, doesn't there?

At this point.. I have willfully chosen to spend a few nights on the couch, though maintaining a pleasant attitude due to a few harsh, undeserved comments from the adult male-peanut gallery.

He's walking around with a smile on his face as though nothing is wrong...why *giggle* do men DO that?

What do they want at a time like this?

Bless you all..

Eibrab

PB and Eibrab,

Thanks for your input. I am just frustrated and unsure about both myself and Safari Girl. Not too sure yet that I am ready for a real relationship given that this is bugging me so much.

I think I enjoyed more hearing from the two of you. You both make me smile just hearing from you.

Men smile and get angry to cover their real feelings as a defense mechanism Eibrab. We do it because we know it pushes hot buttons for the opposite sex. Why be the only one feeling bad when everyone can join in???? Ego showing it's ugly face again. I hope all he wants is peace and quiet and a happy home life. I know you do and you deserve it!

Give Blue a extra doggie treat for me PB and have a wonderful holiday season the both of you!

December 3rd, 2006

Just a quick journal entry.. I have had a very fun busy four days. Thursday night I took my Mom out to a community theatre production with some other friends. During intermission as we sipped lemonade she confided that a very old beau had looked her up. She looked at me with a wicked grin, an elbow nudge.. whispering “I may have a boyfriend before you do!”

We both started laughing so hard people turned to stare at us. A beautiful silver hair lady and her grown up daughter having hysterics!

Then on to a great weekend away in the country.. doing Christmas type stuff with dear old friends in their wonderful old Victorian country home.. with its fabulous garden and nasty neighborhood cat.

We played cards, cut down a tree.. went on a tour of beautifully decorated homes in a variety of Christmas themes.. listened to a carol concert.. walked a beautiful beach..(Blue barking loudly the entire time) enjoying each other as only old friends do. Sometimes long friendship gives you a clear eyed appreciation.. for the meaningful differences you make in each other's day to day life.

Driving home ..I had a moment where I really knew how lucky I was…



Dukhuntr, So glad you are doing well… I know Eibrab right now is having the toughest time of the four of us. Carnation2 I hope you're doing well. You are all in my prayers.. hugs

Paradise…

Oh Paradise - the way you have with words and such.... I always - always - feel such a wave of comfort and calm when reading your postings...

Since the name of this thread is about the pain of affairs - so many, many people searching to ease their pain will open this thread and enter into almost another world.. A world foreign to many but where love, peace and friendship preside.

Paradise, you started out this journey devastated, having been dealt such a heart-wretching blow .... but you have come out on the other side stronger, wiser and resolved...

You show us all that there is a way through the pain and fog. That there is hope... That we can all raise our heads and feel good about ourselves...

I feel very fortunate that for the brief time that I am reading your writings - I have enteterd into your world.. I always come away from there calmer and feeling much better about myself.. and for that - I thank you !

Happy Holidays to all reading this.

Carnation

Journal Dec 22

My neighbor John died of cancer and other complications last week. He was 62. I had met him at daybreak walking by the lake, the night my Dad died. He had just got his diagnosis the day before. That was only 14 months ago. I remember giving him my Dad’s ball cap that read “Never Surrender”.

At the visitation, I dawdled arriving late, hoping not to have to be in the same room as my former husband, his latest OW? and OW1. They didn’t go. Looking around the room, at all the well coifed and nicely dressed people, I thought life is so fragile… so impermanent.. it can be taken in a moment.

Next week I will take his wife to lunch… over very large martinis ..hold her hand.. sit quiet.. if she needs to cry. How do you say good bye to someone you were married to for 40 years. It will be hard.

Pain and loss comes in waves somehow. I was out for dinner this week with another friend. Last summer we were laughing. she was on her way to Europe, her son had just been married. She was telling stories and jokes about past trips.. (how her modesty kept her trapped in freezing water at a German spa). Last month she had radical surgery for cancer and is now commencing heavy chemo. She is not 60 yet. Her only son’s first child born this fall with Down’s syndrome has just been diagnosed with leukemia.

It leaves me weak.

For the last few months I have spent a fair bit of time each day – running. I use to run 7 to 8 miles a day when I was younger. Now my daily runs are much longer although much slower too. Somehow, at the end of a long run you feel clean inside, like all the mental clutter has been swept clear.

In those moments of clarity, standing soaked in sweat, I am sometimes overcome with thankfulness for just that moment .. that breath.. that precious second of being alive… being able to run.

I think without death.. life would be fuzzy. It sharply puts into focus.. what is important .. what is not important.

Often we are so busy we see things as the same, when they never are. Moment to moment- life changes. I hear less and less from my former husband’s family. My nieces and nephews will get gift certificates for Xmas this year. I am not in the loop enough to know what they need. I won’t be seeing my father-in-law or mother-in-law over the holidays they mailed me a present and card. When I opened it I was struck with the thought they are well into their 80s, it is possible that I will not see one of them alive again. I stood there blinking for a while… missing them.

I have met a man that I like. He is a bit younger, incredibly sexy and very interested. We have yet to go on a date, because I can’t seem to put together two coherent sentences when in the same room with him. All I can do is smile and blush. It is like being 14 again. More than five minutes in his company and I have to bolt.. or run the risk of looking so flushed.. people touch my forehead and ask me if I have a fever. By now he must think I have constant colds!

It leaves me agog sometimes at just how funny, sad, wonderful and sweet, life can be all at the same time.