I have posted in other areas here with not many replies, so I will tell my story as briefly as possible mostly just to vent. My W and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. We had a series of “issues” over the last 3 years, some financial difficulties (almost a bankruptcy) her mom died (her best friend and confidant) and a short 6 weeks later she had a hysterectomy and finally my DD17 came to live with us, After surviving all that together I thought we could get thru anything, WRONG. Around Valentines Day she began to tell me that she was feeling that there was something wrong with our relationship and she felt I was “distant” from her, our sex life had gone down hill and I was gone a lot. My reply was “well I feel everything is OK”. Yeah now I know a major LB. I was gone a lot working doubles to help out our money issues and I was “too tired” for good sex. Well you can guess the rest. She had a affair with a co-worker of mine!! I am a Firefighter and the OM was on the same group as me and at the same station. Before D-Day he transferred to another station and on the opposite group so when I was working he was not, how convenient. I happened to come across some e-mails & text messages sent out from the Station computer to her that were not from me. When I confronted her she told me the whole story of the affair and the feeling that she was not “comfortable” in her own house, that same day she moved out to her Dad’s.
I guess we have been Plan A now for 45 days. I went through a bout of severe depression including a week off from work recommended by the FD doctor a loss of 24 lbs (I needed to lose it but this is the worst diet plan ever LOL) I since have been doing better with help from friends and the EAP counselor. The WS and I talk daily and she continues to be nice to me and vis-virsa. I have been correcting my LBs and trying to make myself the husband she married. We spent a lot of time together this weekend and even kissed a couple of times. Since then the I love you and miss you have been coming back from her. I can’t kid myself though I know she still has at least phone contact with him if only briefly(cell phone records show a couple of calls back and forth a day but only a minute or two long?). As far as exposure goes, the OM is single and I would have to do some digging to find his parents. I did notify the Chiefs office and was told there is nothing they can do but keep us ( the OM and Me) separated( good thing for him) I could tell her father( I think he knows) and her older brother( a fellow FF) but I am not sure if that would do any good. I am trying to be patient and let the A run its course and be there when she needs me but DAMN this is hard. She Just called me a minute ago and told me she has scheduled a counsoling session for her, possibly a positive move. I don’t think I am ready for plan B yet but who knows. Any thoughts or suggestions?

I am so sorry for you. I think it is very mean and hurtful not only to have your wife have an affair on you but to pick a person you directly with at your job to do this with.
I hope the counseling works for her but honestly I do not see how counseling can be successful if she continues to see and have sex with this OM. She is in the fog and will continue to do so until there is no contact. Do you really think if the roles were reversed, your wife would say she is willing for you to continue the affair and let it run its course without consequences? Allowing her to have sex with your fellow worker without consequences allows her to be a cakewoman who remains married to you and continue to engage with her lover. I think your attitude may allow her to think of you as someone who may deserve less respect. I would think about Plan B and look for a lawyer to understand your options. Allowing her to be with her lover without consequences simply rewards this behavior. I doubt that she would be so accomodating if the roles were reversed. Am I wrong?

Good Lord! Your wife has been through SO much. While it's still not right to have an affair, a series of life events like you've described can really shake up a person's mental and moral fiber, making them VERY vulnerable to making poor choices to escape their pain. I went through something and similar and I felt completely abandoned by my wife.

As a fireman, would it help you to imagine your wife as a woman in distress in a burning building? How would you approach that situation? I would suspect you would be cool and execute a plan that had the highest chance of rescuing her without sacrificing your own life.

You can do the same with your marriage.

Read up on all the material on this site...buy the books.

Then...work very hard to encourage her to come home. Eliminate "lovebusters" and begin making yourself and the marriage more attractive for her. Working on your marriage while separated is very difficult.

Low

well nozzlenut I can relate. my h is a volunteer fire fighter and fireman for the air national guard and has been in an on again off again on again affair with a fellow female fire fighter (and gee he used to say a woman didn't belong on the fire dept...) my h befriended her h who is a town cop and than proceeded to make out with and have sf with his wife in his own home! (there are a LOT of affairs that go on in the small town fire dept, it is the most immoral place I have ever freakin seen). so, my h is now listed as the reason for said cops divorce and you might as well say demise as he is devastated. my h moved out last month as we both agreed since he could not be trusted he could not stay here.

there have been a lot of events in the past few years in our lives as well but i don't think that justifies his behaviour one bit. i do not know if our marriage has any hope at all.
expose the ****** out of them. you must insist on no contact. can she be trusted to have no contact? my h sure couldn't.

my thoughts are sure with you. come up with a plan and stick to it according to all the principles here on this site. mlhb oh, and my h and I have been together 10 years as well and this sept will be 9 married.

Nozzle,

Her scheduling counseling is a very good thing. (unless it's smoke!)

No contact must be instigated and enforced. No movement forward on the M can occure while she is still in touch with him.

Have you confronted him at all?

k

Hi all, Thanks for your replies. Last night WS showes up a work about midnight says she can't sleep until she knows I'm ok and she told OM NC. She now wants to take "baby steps" to rebuild our M. I have not had contact with OM at this point I'm not sure I could confront him without smacking him! I did expose him to his Captain ( a good friend) and the rest of his crew( who I have worked with before and they all respect me) and they were appaled. I will have more when I get done with this 24hr shift. Its a step in the right direction and I will continue my plan of patience and prayer.

To MLHB, did your h's A take place at his Career Dept? We have VERY STRICT rules on fraternization(sp)and both parties can easily lose there jobs. I have been a FF for 27 years, 25 with a busy city dept, retired and now for the suburban dept where we live,and whether its the stress of the job and the worries of our spouses whether we will come home or not, but there is a high divorce/seperation rate in this career.

This is just a small town volunteer fire dept. it is not either one of their full time regular jobs. And, like I said, this fire dept is a joke here. they all screw eachother and cheat on their spouses, etc. It is like a big game to them. I just thought my h was better than that. he is 360 degrees from the man I married. I can however expose him to the military. (he is not full time military either, he is a prison guard full time, part time fire man for military air force) And I fully intend to. I have called already and they are getting back to me in 2-3 weeks to begin the process. Than his preverbial a** will be grass for all the adultery. mlhb