This is my first post here at Marriage Builders.

I have a long story to tell. I hope it will not boar everyone to death!

My H and I have been together for 13 yrs, we have two beautiful children (b8/g11). H 43 yrs, I am 34 yrs. Last yr I was diagnosed w/ depression. I went to see a Theripist and didn't tell him. He was at first very supportive and loving, then he was angry and said I lied to him.

We ended up arguing at his brother's house. H said he was sleeping w/ this YOUNG girl who was there. Then he said he was not sleeping w/her and just said that to be get back at me.

That night this girl denied it, I don't think anything was going on between them at that time. But I do believe that he WANTED something w/ her. He denies that was the case.

After this he stopped being affectionate to me. He was sleeping in our sons room. about 2 wks of this and I told him I thought he should leave. He packed and left. He moved to his moms house.

2 months afterward he ended up have a sexual relationship w/ this girl. That was very brief; 2-3 months. The entire time he was calling me, visiting me, spending the night w/me.

The thing that is really getting to me is that when I needed his support he was not there for me. AND yet he says that the reason he was attracted to her was because she needed him.

He was out of the house for 7 months. He never broke contact w/ me. He did file for divorce but we did not proceed w/ it. I did ask him many times for no contact as it was too painful for me. He said he could not do that (meaning he could not stay away from me).

Now he has been home for about 1 month, maybe a little bit longer. We are ok. But well I am at a loss as to what I really want. I mean I want him, but then again I know I don't need him. I want our marraige but am very afraid that this will happen again. H is not this type of person. To the best of my knowledge he has been faithfull throught out our relationship. He has always been loving and supprotive in the past, except this time. And another thing is that I sometimes feel like I am selling out my own values, my own self worth.

I love him, he loves me. We want to do right by our children and ourselves. I am just having a really hard time right now. Our kids are having a really hard time right now. He is having a really hard time right now.

How do I get past all of this? How do I help my family (kids) get past this?

H will not go to MC, but may go to IC. I have been in IC for awhile but only when I start to feel overwhelmed.

H has no contact w/ this girl. He is home all of the time or at work. If he goes anyplace he takes one of the kids w/ him. I am not asking him to do these things he is doing them by himself.

A few things.

o) I would encourage you to repost your entire message over in the "In Recovery" section, which gets more traffic and has other people dealing with the same sets of issues.

o) You need to read the material on this site about recovering from infidelity. Because to use the word "recovery" to describe where you're at is a stretch at best.

Your H's refusal to go to MC to help heal the relationship, the refusal to honor your request during separation (alhough you could control that as well). These all raise little warning buzzers.

There are specific steps that need to take place to recover from this and rebuild trust. Dr. H covers much of this process on this web site in the Q&A sections, and you need to really read it, and absorb it, and make it a part of your psyche. Your H should read it too. If he refuses, then to be frank, I'm not sure that you're in recover then.

This is the kind of thing that a good MC can help with. Exposing the issues, and dealing with it at the gut personal level that helps the wounds to be exposed, then dressed and the healing process to begin.

Ultimately, and assuming you and your H do all the right things, the thing that will get you past it is time. Trust has been broken, your H has done something horribly selfish (and rest assured, he has no excuses. Things may not hav ebeen perfect between you, but *HE CHOSE* an affair. So the blame for the affair rests squarely with him). And so he has the burden of proving himself trustworthy.

Anyway, Take this over to general questions or In Recovery and see what the good folks there have to say.