xH agreed writing a NC letter for OW and he will be calling my lawyer next week for a consultation appointment to CS and visitation. Now it really feels like recovery ...

I've been trying to find NC letter examples but the search is not helping <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What should be included in the NC letter? Should he mention that he is going to contact a lawyer and no more contact needed between them ...
He wants C with OC but not at her house but we don't think that she is going to agree to any verbal agreement ...

Help, comments and suggestions appreciated!

Mily,

Here's a link for some Sample No Contact Letters

I'd suggest writing one and posting it on General Questions Forum for members to read and evaluate. They are VERY good at that!!

Once you have it all done let us read it and give you pointers.

I would also make it as business like and unfeeling as possible. I would put it in a matter of fact manner of "if you need to convey a message about oc then do it this way... example calling Mily and leaving the message with her... or emails , or a phone that is only answered by an answering machine." This way she will see that only her child is the focus of anything your husband is involved with not her or anything she does. You can also mention that all other non immediate child concerns should be directed to our lawyers office or fax and supply the numbers for her..... this will get the message across because he is cutting her off at the knees of free and immediate communication

I don't know quite how post other forum topics in my posting, so if you want to do a search for my name, I asked this question a few days ago and after looking at the sample letters, I posted mine. Hope it helps some.

Thanks for the links and the suggestions.
I will show them to him today. He will be calling the lawyer tomorrow.

OW,

I am sending this letter to confirm for you that I have reconciled with Mily.

To protect her I decided to break of all contact with you. This decision - not to contact you or interact with you in any other way than as required in public for OC's sakes - is permanent and not subject to change.

I ask that you respect my decision, and never seek to contact me, or interact with me other than required to maintain a polite relationship for OC. I will refuse all efforts to initiate any contact and I will notify Mily of any contact between us.

I do love OC and want to have a relationship with him. Any future issues like CS and visitation schedule will be handled through my attorney. Any emergency issue related to OC, please contact Mily and leave a message with her.

Sincerely,

===========
Suggestions, comments, critiques appreciated ...

xH called my lawyer this morning but she told him that even when it would be him and OP involved, she could not represent him because of conflict of interests since she divorced us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />... so we are going to be looking for a lawyer this week ...

To protect her I decided to break of all contact with you.
The letter is not about you (Mily). It is about doing the right thing.

I edited it a bit below.

We will not have any contact except when it directly concerns OC.
I love my wife and this is the right thing to do. We are reapairng out marriage and no contact with you is one way needed to help do this.
Our affair was wrong and we hurt many people by our selfish decisions and by not considering those closest to us.

This decision - not to interact with you in any way other than the minimum as required for OC's sake - is permanent and not subject to change.

I ask that you respect my decision, and never contact me or interact with me other than what is required for OC’s welfare.
My Wife & I will maintain a polite relationship with you for OC
I do love OC and want to have a relationship with him. Any future issues like CS and visitation schedule will be handled through my attorney. If there are any emergency issues related to OC, please contact Mily and leave a message with her.

Thanks for your help Chris. It looks better.

NC letter is in the mail.

Where you able to give her the contact info for the lawyer since you had to change attorney?

I like that I also would have included a Journal that gets transported between visiting homes for OC so no real direct contact is needed JUST written down for both caregivers to see and misinterpretation of directives for when the child is ill or needs to be picked up early later ect. ... I believe some other posters on here have mentioned it before.

Well, xH just went to the attorney today. He sounded hopeful ...
There has been NC for the last three weeks. She received the letter and told a co-worker (that she knew was going to tell xh) that I was the one that sent the letter ...
OW has been trashing him and saying that not even a TM from him to ask for OC ... so he did send a TM ... how is OC? ... Fine I guess ... this was last week ...
he sent her another one yesterday and she TM back saying "You either talk to me or not ... no more TM" ...

The attorney told him that he needs a copy of BC and SS# of OC ... so he is going to go today after she gets out of work to ask her for it ...
I don't like it ... not a little bit ...
We are still on shaky ground and I do not trust them ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Mily -
Don't let H go get that info. Have him have attorney's office call her and request it. There should be no problem with that (legally I mean - I know OW will have a problem w/it). She can drop it off or mail it directly to lawyer. Don't let him go see her alone - go with him if a face to face meeting is neccesary. You have made progress with three weeks NC don't let them have an opportunity to say things without you present. He has lied before about what he says/ doesn't say to her - don't put yourself in that position. Just come up with another option - face to face meeting with those two alone isn't a good choice! At the very least it is asking too much of you emotionally to accept it!

Why does the lawyer need this anyway? - ours didn't. Only DNA test results.

You know I only give this advice from my experience and because I am concerned for you.

Take Care and hang in there!

Beth

1st question, What is a TM? Sorry i am probably just being slow.

2nd question, if he sent the NC letter, why is he now talking to her. it renders the NC letter useless. you cant tell someone all contact should be through my lawyer except when i feel like talking to you. kwim?

the lawyer should have written to her for copies of the bc and ss#. i am sure you guys were just trying to save on costs or something but if you want the nc letter to have any force in law he cant be going around there, or contacting her in anyway except through your lawyer.

i dont blame you for not liking it. it would totally ****** me off too.

Carolyn

He should not TM (text message) her at all for any reason unless necessary. That was not necessary.

I would agree with all the rest what kind of attorney asks you to get info that he can easily write a letter requesting and get himself?

I am sorry but your attorney needs this info for what reason?
He would have been given the ssn by her or her attorney in all the paperwork it is required to start/file for cs.

NOW are you sure the attorney asked your husband for this or do you think your husband may have made this up to have contact?

xH was living with OW when OC was born and his name is in the BC ...
The NC letter said that they will have polite contact for OC's sake ...
I didn't have any problem with the text messages ... he asked before sending them ... I did have a problem with him meeting her instead of the lawyer asking for the information. I don't think he made it up but I do think that he offered to get the documents from her instead of the lawyer. I asked him to call the lawyer so they will be the ones contacting her ... and he said 'but I already told the lawyer I would get the papers ...' ... yes, it did look to me that he wanted to see her ...

So he met with her yesterday ... she told him that he should be recieving the CS paperwork in two or three weeks (she does not have a lawyer)... and that the paying CS does not entitle him to visitation ... to what he told her that that's why he went to the lawyer to set visitation ... she told him 'we'll see'. She said that she is not going to communicate with me but that he should be the one calling her to know about OC ...
I can't do this anymore ... he lets her call the shots because he wants to see OC ... and at this point I'm guessing her too ... she knows what buttons to push to make him feel guilty about his relationship with OC ...

The slut is right when she said "and that the paying CS does not entitle him to visitation "

He can have visitation even if he did NOT pay a cent in child support. They are 2 seperate issues... you can go for visitation anytime after paternity is established and since he had signed the birthcertificate he can legally see the child it would not even cost you much to file for a visitation schedule and if she does not comply then she will be held in contempt of order.... now there is not a drug or alchohol or abuse problem on the record with the police is there? That may delay it a bit.

So she has not filed the paperwork your husband did to start the cs?

Your lawyer unless he is seeking a paternity test should have already adviced you about how to file for visitation.

Cs and visation are two seperate issues. As cordella mentioned though, the ow can not with hold visation even if he's not paying a dime. Never can she do this unless there is some type fo abuse problem.

Secondly, she does not have to go through you. I know it upsets you. That is just the way it is though. The courts don't care that your married to them man or not. All they see is the bio parents.

There could be a third party mediator though. It won't be you though.

In my order it states that all communication is to between xmm and I regarding oc. No one else may mediate unless attorney's are involved.

You could do what xmm's wife does though.....go ahead and write her and pretend your him. Just be careful because anything you do on his behalf he is responsible for. So if your emotions are rolling, slow down, count to 10 then start over. It's easy to do under these circumstances though as we all know.

My question to you though is why is your h's attorney NOT HANDLING everything? Your paying him and I can understand that you do have to pay for everything. But when I still had my attorney, I refused to discuse anything with xmm. He had to go through my attorney. He lied to much, I wanted it on record.

I knew that CS and visitation were two separate issues ... I told him too that there were two separate issues ... and she knew too that there were two separate issues ...

That is what he is going to do - file for a visitation schedule ...

There are no drug, alcohol, abuse problem on his record ... his main problem is that he can get his thingy in his pants ...
My dad is an alcoholic and I swore that I would never get involved with anyone with a drinking problem ... well, I didn't ... he does not drink, don't smoke, don't use drugs, don't hit women or children ... he was a cop when we were in PR ...
there should be a mark or something so we can recognized when we are getting involved with someone that is not faithful ... oh, well ... enough of the pity-party ... I know, I know ...

She said that she started the CS paperwork that's why the lawyer told him that he was going to deal with the visitation part of it and not with the CS ... his retainer fee was not a lot ... since he expects the visitation issue to be done in 4 to 6 hours of his work ...

NTMO,
Actually, I'm relieved not to be a mediator or contact or anything between them .. it was worth a shot in the letter ... which for her was a big joke ... she told him that he had s^&it in his head (which I agree that sometimes he does!) and he was not capable of writing a letter like that ... and that she knew I wrote the letter and he just signed it ...

No, don't worry, I would not write anything in his name ... especially not without him knowing about it or any other thing...

About the attorney ... I'm pretty sure xH offered to get the papers from her ... of course she has not given him anything ... and I know she would not since that would be to handle the control over to him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
so I told him, when you get that paperwork from the lawyer ... let him know that he and not you need to ask for whatever information is needed ...

Everything is been quiet ... hopefuly it won't be the quiet before the storm ... he calls, leaves a message asking for OC and she calls back to let him know everything is ok ... or this weekend she called him to let him know that OC fall down and had a big bump in his head ... and I sent her (OC) an invitation for DD Bday's party which is in two weeks ... I know he misses OC, DD misses him too ... fwiw, I told him that he should not agree to anything she says before they go to family court ... that as much as he wants to see OC, this time things need to be done legally ...

I'll keep you posted ... thanks for the comments ...