H has had some internet affairs for a number of years and also a few sex only affairs through connections. I believe he really loves me and is hurting as I am right now. I am having a hard time with trust and forgiveness. Some days I am so happy that we are trying and I see how hard he is trying. Some days I fall into this big hole of hurt and despair.

We are also having extreme financial problems. We are in it together and are committed to make it through this, together. We also own a buisiness that is going very slow (the reason for our $ prob's). I know this is a huge stress for my H (as it is me). I do not want to give him an excuse for his actions, but stress can be very deadly (I am now on med's to help me get through the days, from doc.)

During my young childhood, I was always trying to comfort my parents after their D. My father had 3 affairs. One that he ran away with. I still carry alot of baggage from that. Trust was something I thought I could always have with my H. We have always had a great bond and great love for each other. That is why this hurts so much. We appear to have this wonderful marriage that others only desire, from the outside. No one knows of our troubles, except 1 good friend that lives far away and I know will not break my promise of secrecy. I feel like I need to protect him from others. People love him and I know he is a good person that made a very bad decision. I want to make it through this without others putting neg. thoughts into my mind, or treating him different. No one knows what they will do when the walls come down as they have. I do not think they could understand. That is why I am here.

I guess, I just need someone to help me take these baby steps to recovery. I want to talk to our priest, but am too afraid, because he knows us. I want to talk to a MC, but the $ is not there. This site is very helpful and I need to be with people who understand and want to save the M.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in such an anguishing situation. It hurts, I know. And the people here know, too. You are among some good people, many of us still struggling through similar situations, others have recovered successfully as individuals, and most inspiring those that have not only survived, but rebuilt a new marriage that is happier and more fulfilling than ever before.

Read everything you can, not just here on the forum, but on the marriagebuilders site. Read the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Take care of yourself, especially your health, physical, spiritual, and mental. Exercise daily. Talk to your doctor, your ppriest/pastor/rabbi/guru. Talk to your family, his family, your closest friends. You love your spouse, you want to save your marriage: form a support group that understands this and will be there for you.

We are here for you, too. Others will check in with more experience and more precise advice. I can assure you, you are in a safe, helpful, and healing place here.

2StillInLove,

You have two sources to turn to that don't cost money.

1 - Your priest. Remember, his job is to help you through times such as this. If you can't trust him now then could you ever?

2 - Us. Our fee is pretty cheap... all we want is other people to provide input so they can in turn help us.

Don't ignore these two resources. Your priest will not judge you as you think he will, he will help guide you or at least talk to you and your H.

Thank you for responding to my letter. I know better that the priest is one person we should talk to. My H is also willing. What is so sick, is, I feel so bad for him. I do not want him to be judged by anyone. I do not want him to hurt. I do not know why I feel this way. I on the other hand, want everyone to know, just to hold him accountable for his actions. I tested the waters with a girl friend who said she would kill her H. I am sure she would be doing the same thing I am.
Am I going the correct way? Sometimes, all I can think about is the hurt he has caused me. My mind gets the best of me and I start snooping. I found he is still internet MB. He said he just needs to take care of things sometimes, and I am not always in the mood, so he does not see anything wrong with that. I believe the internet got him there to begin with. I am just so afraid.
I love him and I know I am the world to him. We have 3 kids and because times are so very tight, I watch children during the day. One of our kids is also a diabetic and we worry about him and would not want anyone but us to take care of him, so I do not want to get a job. I am so tired by the end of the day, that is the last thing I want. I also have to run in the am to keep balanced in my mind, so that leaves the a.m. out. I know I just have to find the time and be more open to it. But, with everything that has gone on, I wonder if I was also the reason he did what he did.

My head just spins sometimes and I think I am on the right track, and then I question if I am. Why are some days so good and some so very bad?