My original psot is under "W pregnant to OM", it's under "Just Found Out"

I need help and answers on this one quickly. My wife just called and wants to go out with her friends, which I know who they are but I don't want her to go out without me. I asked her if I could go and she said she doesn't want me to go because I'm not fun. She wants to go out with her girlfriends (one of which I know has cheated on her long time BF who she has a kid too). I don't think she should be going out by herself to a restaurant/bar so soon after D-day. D day was on June 26th, am I being to controlling? I just don't think I can trust her.

Also this is the biggest dilema I am facing right now and that is exposure. Should I call her folks and let them know what she has done and how she is willing to go out with these friends and not stay at home?

I am worried that she is willing to go out with her friends but leave me here in the house without having given me any SF in 5 monthes. I know the last 2 monthes have been rough with her getting an abortion and D day having taken place, but should I be willing to let her go out with her friends when my needs are still not getting fulfilled? I've been filling her needs but she has still been neglecting mine. I think she should be staying at home with me or at least allowing me to go out with her to until mine and her needs are getting fulfilled.

Someone please help me with this, it's driving me crazy. Should I expose they A even with the events that have taken place and since I guess we are in the recovery stage?

Let me see if I have this right. Your D-day was less than 2 months ago and your wife was impregnanted by the OM which means she did not even have the decency to use safe sex which put your health at great risk. You have had no intimacy in 5 months. She wishes now to go out with girlfriends one of which cheats on her boyfriend who she had a child with. She won't let you go with her because you are no fun. What is wrong with this picture? Her actions and words indicate that she still does not get it. I wonder what her reaction would be if the roles had been reversed? I think you need to ask yourself what exactly is it that you are holding on to and why do you wish to? How much disrespect are you willing to accept and endure and why?

Well she decided she wasn't going out with the girls last night and stayed at home with me. I was told by her that her friends husbands and BF's never go out together and that the like having their wives leave. And my reply was we are not them and that is a dangerous thing to do.

I also don't think that keeping this from her parents is a good thing. I hate the thought of living a lie and when they call tell them that everything is "fine", when in fact everything has crumbled. I know if I say anything to her parents that it might lead in her leaving and I'm not sure how her parents would react (in her defense or feeling sorry for me). I hate walking around with this fake smile on my face trying to let people know that everything is ok. Is it to late to begin exposure when the recovery stage has already sort of begun?

You need to talk to your wife about this.

It needs to be a decision that you BOTH agree with.

I agree that your W still "doesn't get it".

I tried to get my WW to read some of the posts and articles on here and she replied with "I'm not reading your psycho internet postings by other people". I replied by telling her it would really mean a lot to me if she just read some of the things on here. Especially an article on SF and how it is important for a guy to move on in recovery after the WW has had the A.

She hasn't started her cycle since the abortion (4 weeks ago today) and is waiting until after that starts to do anything with me. But the thing that I brought up was the 4 monthes prior to the A with no SF and how important of an EN it is for the H, Especially after the A.

Why is she so reluctant to check this site out. I thought would be glad that I'm taking the initiative by coming here to try to find some advice and answers to the problems we've been having. And by the way YOU PEOPLE HAVE BEEN GREAT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ! Should I take her word that once things get back to normal physically with her, that our relationship will become physical again and that there will be affection in our M?

I know that she choose me over the OM and that means alot to me, but it still doesn't take the sting away from the A that occured. Also I'm not to sure if maybe he could not have supported her as financially as I have been able to. I would like to think that she came back because she loves and cares for me. I'm still contemplating the possibly of exposing the A to my in-laws, but don't know what road that might lead too.

How do I get in contact with some of the pros and vets around here? I also see people telling them to set up appointments with steve harley, how can I do that? I want to get counseling in the worst way but she is still refusing. How do I try to persuade her into going?

I've also heard of Mortorman, I was wondering if anyone can help me get in contact with him as well.

Once again, thanks to everyone that has replied . I don't think I could have made it this far without you people.

Just click the conselling center tab at teh top of this page within the red heading area.

That will take you to a page with info on teh top left givin you contacts, costs etc.

RS,

She won't be enthusiastic about coming here because she KNOWS what she has done is bad, and she doesn't want to hear it from anyone else. You asked about her going out.

It is not your job to control your W. You can simply state you are uncomfortable with her doing this, and that you have issues based on what she has done to your marriage. HOWEVER , it is her call to protect the marriage as much as it is yours.

I can not speak for women here but I am guessing that having the abortion is something one has to come to terms with both physically and emotionally, so I would counsel patience with her and stop the discussions about SF. She probably KNOWS you want SF.

Further, I think she is trying to protect herself and I think she is still shifting blame to you. Frankly I would tend to draw back. Be loving when you can but don't expect anything from her. If the affair is over there is no reason for you to go to exposure. If the affair restarts, exposure is a MUST.

Finally, I think you need to plan A when you can, avoid LB's completely and that means requests for SF or reading here. You should clearly state YOUR boundaries, but let her decide what her's are. You should also be prepared for the reality that she will NOT work on the marriage.

If that is the case you will KNOW where you stand and your choices will become clearer. I think that eventually your choice will be OBVIOUS to you as the data is collected and continues to be collected. Sit quietly and let the data roll in and I think a lot of your confusion will be removed.

So it is the famous Time and Patience for you may man. Everytime you get anxious repeat T&P, T&P, T&P... You will need it but it will reward you with a clarity of thought you have not had in many months.

God Bless,

JL

Get the book Surviving an Affair and leave it in your room. Read it for yourself. Leave it lying around and see if she picks it up. That's not invasive. If she acts like it is, time to pull back....then she may not be ready for recovery and c/b prime for more A.

What you need t/d is get yourself on a more solid ground. Please read the book and JL's posting. He gives good straight posts that have helped many.

take care,
L.

JL and Orchid,

Thank you so much, I will start to do these things. I thought that some of the things and her reluctance to come on here or do any reading was a way of her showing no remorse for what h#ll she has put me through, but maybe she just doesn't dig stuff like this and thinks we can work on it by ourselves.

I'm not that fortunate, I feel the need to get everyone's advice as much as possible (more for a comforting feeling and to know I'm doing the right thing and not being a complete fool). That is one of the differences between me and my WW, she likes to keep things just between us and with no outside help. Her typical response is "that's them, not us".

Well I think I'm going to try to go to the bookstore and get those books come Wednesday or maybe I'll order them over the internet. I'm not to sure she will like me buying these books, she might think I'm trying to push things on her or constantly remind her of the A by having these things around. Any thoughts?

Did she appear to go through a 'withdrawl' period (depression, anger, etc...just imagine someone withdrawling from drugs) any time after d-day?

It doesn't sound like it...which makes me question if NC is really in place. That would also explain her unwillingness to do any kind of counseling or work on the marriage.

Owl,

Well I guess possibly how short the A lasted is a big thing too. The met around the 20th of May and only saw each other twice in between, the second time being them having sex and her getting pregnant. And they stopped talking around mid-June but had too start talk once she exposed the A to me and had to call him and ask for the money to get the abortion done. I wasn't to wild about her getting the money from him, I'd rather had him mail it or doing something else other then meet up with her. But the met up in a public place (food court of her work place) and they only were together for 5 minutes at that point (that's kind of funny, cause that's how long the sex was, lol). I figure I have to have something to laugh at, even though it is his inability to be a good lover.

And that's another thing that kind of comforts me, is that she didn't enjoy it and it only lasted for a short time. It would have hurt a lot more if there was more passion behind it and she actually enjoyed it.

But I do believe there wasn't a lot to withdraw from in the first place because they knew each other such a short time, I don't think she had much feelings for him. I just think she made a really bad decision and found him really attractive, which is kind of weird, because I'm a fairly attractive person. I think the OM saw we were in a rough time and made the move and she followed stupidly.

It's been a rough and tiring road and I wonder why I'M the one getting yelled at most of the time. I think she is still kind of upset that I didn't want to keep the kid, but then again I always left the door for divorce open. In the end she ultimately made the decision and I think she's trying to shift the blame. I will just have to be as patient and loving as I can be.

Rough,

""My wife just called and wants to go out with her friends, which I know who they are but I don't want her to go out without me. I asked her if I could go and she said she doesn't want me to go because I'm not fun.""

May I ask who told you you were in recovery???

This does not sound like a marriage that is in recovery. Is she truly remorseful and sincerely sorry it happened?

Why are YOU getting yelled at all the time. Sounds like you are enduring a ROUGH ROAD here.

She should be wanting to go to MC (marriage counseling) and doing everything in her power to make it up to you.

This gives me a sneaking suspicion that all is not well.

k

Well to give you all an update. We had sex for the first time in almost 6 monthes. I agree that we both went out together had some drinks and came back to make incredible love. Although there was some almost disturbing that I felt. To put it into Leman terms, I couldn't finish. Is this normal?

She afterwards said that I can not complain anymore about "not getting any". I really don't believe this was out of pity because it felt good for both me and her.

The following day I woke up and just starting cleaning around the house. She usually has to tell me what to do and give me "choirs", but I told her that I am way more productive at getting things done around the house when I have positive reinforcement and affection from her (of course, doesn't every guy). Does this finally show an important step in our path towards recovery? It was only this one time, so how do I judge a good SF relationship? I know I would definitely want it every day if I could, but I think to be completely content with SF in my marriage to have SF at least once if not twice a week. Is this to much to be asking for? And when do I know it to start becoming a problem again?

I have also verified NC with the OM which is great. Nothing is showing up on her cell (which she still doesn't know I have access to or anything in her email). Which brings up another questions of mine. When do you think I can stop "checking on her", because I know if I get caught, then it's big time trouble for me if not curtians.

When she chooses to acknowledge that in order to be trustworthy, she must EARN your trust by becoming an open book to you and not be resentful towards you for doing so. If she catches you checking up on her and she chooses to leave you, then it will be her decision and will show you once and for all that your marriage may have been doomed from the start. I'm sorry if my words sound harsh but the circumstances surrounding your situation leave me very little choice to tell you otherwise.

TMCM