Hi,

My first DD (discovered the EA) was three months ago and the second DD (discovered the PA) was two months ago.

I have implemented Plan A for the past three months. At times it appeared that it was working and that we were making progress. My WS still refused to NC though.

A couple days ago at MC my WW agreed to NC. Two days after that she told me that she could not do NC and that she loved the OM so much and thinks about seeing him every day. The OM lives on the west coast and we live on the east coast. The two of them worked together and my WW traveled about once a month to LA. Their EA started sometime near the beginning of the year or the end of 2004... The PA started around March of 2005. We have a 2 yo son. We have both LB'd over that past years (married for 5 years) and I am committed to our marriage.

Last night my WW told me that she talked to the OM again that day. The day before she had told him that the NC letter would be coming (he apparently cried) but yesterday she told him that she couldn't do it (NC). I left last night to stay at a hotel when I heard this information. She has a training class for work in LA in sept and would not agree to NC or to not going to LA in sept to see him. She also told me yesterday that she wanted to seperate but she did not want to hurt me or go through ripping apart our family and the pain of D.

She says that she loves me but is in love with him. That really hurts. She also explained that when I am affectionate to her she thinks of him. That made it so hard to even sleep next to her or give hugs..

I have no Plan B in place since things were going better with us and thought that we were making progress. I know that PlanA is recommended for 6 mos but I don't know that I can take 3 more months of this back and forth.

I love my WS so much and want to be a good husband and father.

Not sure what to do now. I want to go home. I need to find a place to stay. I miss my wife and son.

I am so worried that she willnot do NC and she won't call. She sent a txt msg shortly after I left saying that she cares and loves me. Nothing else. i tried calling twice late last night. No answer.

Right now it really feels like this is so final yet I still want to reconcile the M. I feel like she is ready to let it go.

I have never felt pain like this in my life.

Please advise. I was so confident that PlanA was going well and it seems to have died...

I feel like I made a terrible mistake by leaving.

- hopeful_BS

yes, it was a huge mistake to leave. Please go home now. It only faciliates her affair if you are gone, and that should not be your goal. If anyone leaves, it should be her. I would first see if she will agree to leave and THEN go into Plan B. [leaving in a huff is not Plan B, by the way] The child should stay with you, though.

Have you done the basic footwork to try and end the affair, such as exposure? It should be exposed first before you move to Plan B.

All right hopeful..the time is coming at hand for you stand tall and be strong...

Yep you go home ....not because of her but right now you go home because of the dire neccessity for you to NOT be the one that leaves...you are placing your child at great risk for being dragged accross the country to play make believe with mom and her friend.

You need to seek legal advice TODAY about what rights you have and what rights you can establish about your wife not exposing the child to this OM AND not taking out of the state.....

You need to begin to prepare for plan B with the plan being that SHE leaves you and child. why in Gods name should YOU be the one to leave when she is the one that ones to play this is all done in the name of love and NOT wanting to hurt someone????

have you exposed to this affair to the OM
is he married
does he have family
do they know of your wife's intentions to continue to be in contact with him..
if they don't they don't they need to expose...

you need to move home
you need to do your best not to love bust..and I would suggest also that you show some independance...and some comings and goings of your own that leave her a little in the dark about what you doing...

you need to seek legal counsel today..
you should call the professionals here and see if you wife is willing to talk to any of them...

have you read about bobpure..mortarmans and frankd's stories...all men who took the noble route of children first....(there are many more as well)

go home today...
write your plan B letter....
expose to even her work if that is how contact occurs.
prepare that she is the one to leave not you..

ARK

Go home? That is what I want to do... She has already called and left VM's (cel phone reception is bad here...never heard it ring) twice this morning asking whether I was ok and where I was.

I have exposed to her parents and mine. The OM is not married. I have not contacted him but I have his contact info. I have felt like contatcing him but am not sure what I would tell him. That he is wrecking my wife's life by remaining involved?? I know I shouldn't based on other posts I have read here...

I have been working on LB's and she was saying that she wanted to work on the M but we got into an argument about negotiating tactice and POJA in our M and she changed her mind.

Part of me feels a little liberated by leaving but I definately love her and want the M to work. It is so hard to keep up with affection and showing love for her when she tells me that she intensely loves the OM and thinks about being with him every day... We have not had any SF since the second DD (when PA was discovered).. SHe says that she is waiting until she makes a decision. But she also says that she will see him in LA in sept and I know that SF will happen... It is absolutely maddening.

We are going to MC now and have the MB books Surviving an Affair, LoveBusters, and HisNeeds/HerNeeds as well as the workbook... She read the books but will not fill out any worksheets.

If she goes to LA in Sept I am sure that SF will happen which will solidify the A so much more...

I have read up a little on legal in GA but have not found much concerning children...

Her emotional attachment to OM is so strong even they don't see eachother except for every month or two.

I told her that if she travels for work where she will be able to see the OM then she has to arrange childcare for our son or I have to goo with her. How does that sound? I don't want to enable the A but am interested in what the thoughts here are.

The OM apparently (this is what she told me) resigned from her company and no longer works there but still lives near the office in LA.... They communicate via IM, email, phone as far as I know... I don't have any access to her work PC so snooping there for honest information is impossible for me.

I am at work now and will seriously consider going home after work. Should I contact her during the day? If so what should I say? I am sure that she will be in contact with OM today explaining whatt happened... Maybe they will make some more concrete plans now to see eachother... Not sure why he just doesn't come here... They were planning on meeting up in NYC at the end of this month but she canceled the plans for me apparently... Now it seems her plans are changing to head futrther back into the A...

Thanks so much for your replys. I am so confused and scared... I really don't want to mess this up.

- hopeful_bs

The OM is not married. I have not contacted him but I have his contact info. I have felt like contatcing him but am not sure what I would tell him. That he is wrecking my wife's life by remaining involved?? I know I shouldn't based on other posts I have read here

I think in some cases a BS can contact an OP...as long as you go in to it with NO expectations of remorse or anything except the opportunity to make yourself a real person...affairs thrive in the fantasy of the spouses not being real entities..but they are ghosts that are present in every interaction between WS and OP...every so often ghosts need to take on some physical form.....

this man is a direct threat to you and your sons life....

I am at work now and will seriously consider going home after work. Should I contact her during the day? If so what should I say?

you apologize for leaving...and tell her that with all the confusion in the blurring of lines of what a mrriage means that you got a little side tracked and actually thought for a moment that breaking this up was an OK idea...but now that you have had time to think you are convinced that marriages hold great meaning in this world and that you apologize for leaving and assure your wife you aren't going anywhere ever again. That you will never again walk out of that house abandoning your son and wife...

what did she say when you said you would not take care of child care..
what did she say when you said you and son would travel with her...

ARK

Ark,

Thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me...

I have already started an email to her expressing the things you mentioned...

I have told her that I would not take care of our sone when she was with OM several times... She has not really responded. to that yet even though i have mentioned it several times... It seemed to dissuade her at first but now I think she is planning on having her parents drive up (6 hr drive) to watch him while she is gone... That is not what she said but last night when I told her that again she just sat and looked thoughtful like she was considering how she could find someone to watch our son for a week or so... Her parents are really the only option now I believe... They want her to stop the A as well but they are her parents and i believe the will go along with anyy decision she makes even if they do not agree...

When I said that we would travel together she would not give me confirmed dates for her travel so I couldn't plan. She also provided many reasons why we couldn't do it... Finding a nanny or temp childcare in a remote city, expense of it, her work would not let her travel with me, etc...

I have thought many times about conttacting the OM just so that he can personify me like you mentioned but am very worried about fueling the fire or that option backfiring on me... Maybe even meeting him in person because I know his address and sometimes travel to the area where he lives for my work... I will probably be there within the next month or two if the tentative work schedules I have come to pass...

Not sure where to go with this if go home now...

How can I deal with the feelings of defeat and devastation?

Does this even sound like she will ever go for NC?

Thanks again,

- hopeful_bs

Hi Melody,

When you say see if she agree's to leave the go into PLAN B, do you mean that if she doesn't leave then I execute my PlanB and leave with child or do you mean that if she does leave and I am able to keep my son that that situation will be my PlanB?

thanks for your time.

- hopeful_bs

If I go back and spend some time planning a PlanB more thoroughly how much longer would you recommend staying with PlanA before going to B or how long would recommend detailed planning of planB before implementing it? It feels to me like planning PlanB is a huge step and going back from there is pretty hard to do.

If I go back tonight, apologize, stick with PlanA for a while and she still will not agree to NC and she also refuses to leave but continues communicating with OM and even seeing him if she can arrange it (or just becomes blatent about it) how long would you recommend for putting up with that kind of treatment?

thanx,
- hopeful_bs

You stay in Plan A until she decides she isn't ending the A and leaves...separation. Then comes Plan B.

You need to get all your legal/financial ducks in a row. Plan to attempt to secure, at least primary custody of your son.

Document as much as you can concerning her A. Follow the advice that Ark and Mel gave you.

I am surprised that your wife read Surviving an Affair and it seemed to have little affect on her. She is deep in the fog and her A may need to run it's course by having consequences for her actions...plan B and the possible loss of primary custody of your son.

Wow. This sounds really rough.

I just talked to her on the phone and she says that she is not ready to make any changes at the moment... I believe that means no NC, and no leaving for her.

She apologized for the pain and said that she was glad I was coming back after work today...

But NC appears to be completely out of the question for her right now. She appears to be unable to make a decision and I believe that unfortunately the decision will have to be made for her.

Her comments have been that the relationship with the OM is full of possibilities for their future and ours is doomed based on our past experiences.

She did read surviving an affair as well as the other two I mentioned earlier.. It did seem to have a positive affect on her at the time but she is still deep in the fog so the positive affect seems to have been short lived... I know that she didn't read all of the books thoroughly but I believe that she read a through different portions of them and read SAA a couple times.

At what point should I personally be at emotionally and logistically to implement Plan B? Right now I don't think that she will leave (moving to LA would be very hard for her due to her work as well as our son)

I really do not know that I can stay there 3 more months living with a 3rd person in our M. She is very detached at the moment anyway so it is almost like she is discontiuing all attempts at reconciling the M slowly but surely.. No affection, not answering my emails, planning to travel see the OM for romantic interludes, lying to MC, me, and her parents about her true feelings, stopped reading the books and being involved in the MB program, no one-on-one time (always something else to do), very defensive about identifying LB's, seemingly SF saved for the OM, etc... I believe that all of that allows her to distance herself from our M in order to make breaking off our M (at some point) easier and her only apparent option when that time may come....

A part of me really believes that the OM could be her true "soul mate". That is definately what she seems to believe.

Another part of me also believes that their R will fail based on it being built on the lies and deception from both of them. She explains that he really cares for her a lot. Although he thinks the right thing for her to do is work on her M... Yet he is so emotionally involved that he also can't stay away from communicating with her even though they are on opposite coasts.... They had an escalating EA for about three or four months before the PA started which was 5-6 months ago...

The thing is that they were probably able to spend quite an extended time together while they were together because she would tavel alone for the week and often head out on a Sat and stay over the weekends... Amazing how many times she left the cel at the hotel or the battery dies so that she would not have to accept my calls over the weekends...

Even if the physical contact and SF encounters were seperated by up to a month or so, they lasted for a week to 10 days at a time... I guess that adds into the emotional involvement in a certain way that makes NC very hard for them.

I am very committed to our M and family and am aware of my past and present LB's which I continue to work on. I have had great confidence but am beginning to be skeptical about the feasability of reconciliation. I would like to do my best to push that feeling away so that I can concentrate on PlanA, NC, Withdrawl, and Recovery instead of PlanB.. Just because PlanB seems to drastically lower the chances for successful recovery.

Hi,

Any community thoughts or strategies on contacting the OM?

I could do it just to introduce myself and explain my love for my WS...

I like the idea of personifying the WS's spouse to the OM to make the reality of the situation all the more real for them and the effect of the A on the number of people involved.

Any positive or negative repercussions forseen?

thx in adv,

- hopeful_bs

hopeful, I think your best bet would be to call Steve Harley, let him assess your situation and give you a PLAN. He specializes in infidelity and is extremely good. This is a difficult situation at best and you need the very best help you can get. He is worth every penny and may be able to guide you out of this.

I think it is a good idea to contact the OM, however, I would not explain your love for her. He likely doesn't give a damn about that. I would ask him what his intentions are for your W and explain to him that you have no intentions of going anywhere and will break up this affair. Tell him that you and W have been working on the marrriage. You are right that it gives the OP a chance to put a human face on a - likely - demonized BS. Just be prepared for what he might say, it may not be pleasant, especially since he likely knows she is married.


The concept of "soul mates" is fogged out silly chick talk from the A&E chick flick channel. It is also a CLASSIC claim of fogged out WS' in the throes of a temporary infatuation. After the fantasy wears off, they stop all talk of "soul mates."

p.s. I would INSIST that your W not contact the OM frm your own home. I would ask her to show some respect for you and son and make her calls elsewhere. If she tries to talk to him frm your home, I would hang up the phone. That is a boundary that should not be crossed.