Seems like everything I do is wrong.
I need the strength to not contact him.I just can't stop crying I feel so bad.

can someone tell how to send aprivate message I need to ask a question to a pro off the Forum.
Faith

Private messaging is not enabled on this forum.

Oh Thanks Susan.
Can a moderator help me delete my posts?

Faith, I don't know the details of your story, but how about letting us know exactly what's going on. Unfortunately crying is a part of this shattering experience. In my case it was more like sobbing. Things will get better. For now, what's up? CV

You can delete them. Just click edit on the post and delete the txt.

CV55 and others This is whats up.

Brief Background:
WS is having a one sided emotional EA at work.

We have been together 10 years, lived to together for 8 married for 2. He wouldn't commit until I said that's it.
No kids, I have 2 but they are out of the house now,They did live with us. He hates daughter and grandson. They moved out 3 weeks after he left. We have 1 cat, we lived in my house I bought before we married.

In April, Out of the blue he said he was thinking of leaving. We held each other, cried, and then went to sleep. The next day he came home, bought me wine, flowers and an expensive present. Silly me, I thought everything must be ok. Didn't talk about what was going on.

A month later same thing, back in mid May said was leaving and did. He said, "Nothing had changed."(I didn't know anything was supposed to.)

He moved to his parent’s house, which is empty for the summer. I asked him if there was someone else. He said, "I don't think so." So I believed him. 2 weeks after he left he refused to date, talk, touch, or go to counseling. "No one is going to tell him what to do." Nothing I have tried to do has made any difference. He says "it's not there for him anymore". I couldn't figure out why. What made him change so fast?

I started to get suspicious of a girl he works with, just a gut feeling. Finally, Wife of friend of his told me 3 weeks ago about OW.
She says "he is making an A** out of himself at work.
I ordered the call detail on his cell phone.
Her # listed 3-4 xs a day.
Most calls are from OP to him??? I'm suspicious of an A. He denies.
He says OP is "just a friend."


Another of his friends told me he had changed his email. So I found the new account and hacked the password.
What I read really shocked me. He is having an emotional affair with her, but it is one sided. She is leading him on, playing with him. I know she has taken my place as his best friend. They spend a lot of time together now.

Over the course of 10 days I spoke to some of his/our friends. Some approached me. Some I called. I had been keeping it quiet up till then. All that knew said she's not interested in him except as friend, He is the one who wants her.

I got lawyer had him sign off on house. Changed the locks.

I did more snooping found secret email account.
Got proof but it broke my heart when I read it.
Didn’t tell him. Talked to his mom told her I loved her son and wanted to be a good wife to him. She has been suspicious of "the friend" as well. Said she doesn't approve.
I found MB 2 weeks ago. Read everything I could find on the site. Read His needs/Her needs book.
Did EN & LB questionnaire. His only. He has agreed to give me a week to try to fix things and if it doesn't work then he wants a divorce.

I think he wants a divorce because he thinks she doesn't want him because he is married.
Started what I thought was a Plan A.
we shared some good talks; good food saw each other every day. She is still meeting his need for conversation and he still insists they are just friends. She is divorced, dating several men not seeing anyone special.



Last Friday our time was up. I tried to get him to agree to continue, he refused to negotiate. Still said OW was just friend

so I moved to policy of radial honesty.
I figured what do I have to loose? We are getting nowhere. Honesty & truthfulness was his 1st EN?
I showed him the emails I printed.

He got the strangest look on his face. Tried to deny again. Then stopped. Said He would never have read my email. I told him "she is the reason you will not work on us. You can't love both." Then he just left.

I called the OW. She is dating and according to her not interested in him. (Her emails are leading him on). She said He told me you might call. Said she would have called a month ago if it was he. Then said I just need to face it he's unhappy and has been for a while. He tells her everything and I need to know he is just done. And he hates that I have talked to his/our friends.
So now it's not a secret. I have some peace since it's all out in the open.

I had Session with Dr. Steve, Melody he agrees with you that I need to focus on getting him to re-engage in our relationship. However, since HW is in MAJOR withdrawal, I am only to contact him every few days by phone or email and leave message maintaining the position that we can work out our problems and have a wonderful marriage. No other contact for a week. WS is avoiding me/conflict and will not take my calls.
I feel better having a plan. It's very hard to not see or talk to him.

Dr. Steve said I am not in plan A or B yet, so I feel better since I didn't think I was doing Plan A well at all.

Steve H said he might listen to his parents. So I called them and filled them in on What happened Friday. His Mom agreed to help.

She called me back after she talked to him. Said he wanted to know what I had been talking to her about for 38 mins. (HE'S BEEN CHECKING MY PHONE ACCOUNT TO SEE WHO I'VE TALKING TO.)
She said that he hates that I have been talking to his friends and that I sent the flowers to him just to embarass him at work "She knows I hate flowers"
She also said he got a copy of the apartment finder and is planing on moving out of her house.

I'm not sure if he is checking on me any other way?
I just Know I feel awful. I am having a hard time not calling and trying to explain to him the flowers and everything else.
Faith

Okay hon...............this OW knows what she's doing, she is "interested" or else she wouldn't be listening to his "My wife is such a shrew" speeches. She enjoys toying with him, and maybe she has told him that she's interested, but it's against her *morals* to date a married man.

Have you exposed this at work?!??!?!?! If not you need to. Expose to their boss.....and anyone else who has influence. Tell them that they have been sending e-mails back and forth that are inappropriate, and that the relationship they have, while not yet sexual is inappropriate for a married man.

He's re-writing history hon, they all do it.....he's never been happy, you won't let him do this, you didn't change that. (That type of thing)

How old is this woman???? Do you know her 1st and last name???? You could always call her parents and let them know that their daughter is having an inappropriate relationship with your husband.

Busy yourself finding out her information......you can't fight the enemy without first knowing them.

I WOULD DEFINITELY EXPOSE AT WORK.

Now as to how you are feeling.....crying all the time, etc., are you on anti-depressants??? If not, you need to go and see your Doctor, see if he can't also possibly put you on something like Xanax for the anxiety. (I don't know what on earth I'd do with out Xanax, it's the only thing that keeps me from having full blown anxiety attacks--and I get 'em bad, feel like I can't breathe, chest hurts, etc).

Look into it hon, and know that I've been there....only my FWH was having and EA, that turned into a PA within 2 months. I hadn't found MB at the time either, and did ALL THE WRONG THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


-Caren

Carmen, Yes I have been to Dr. He knew what was up since I lost 30 lbs in 4 months. This is not a good weight loss by the way. I am too thin. All friends at work know cause that's were it is happening. His Boss already tried to talk to him. No one left to expose him except GM.
I knwo first name only. she is about 35 divorce with 2? kids. I been tring to find out her last name. No one wants to be the "rat" I guess they wonder what I might do??

what type of work place is it he is in....they all knew?? i know certain businesses are more prone to accepting this behavior, my wh is in the car biz and itis quite common.

First of all....this is NOT a one sided EA.

Even IF she is just leading him on....he's following.

You know the saying....you can lead a horse to water, but you can't MAKE him drink. She isn't making him do anything....it's HIS OWN decision on how he handles this.

Secondly.....you need to make this girl none of your business. Calling her isn't going to solve anything....you don't even know that she is telling you these things truthfully....she has nothing to lose by lying. Contacting this girl....IMHO....will only serve to anger your H even more.

Nobody is going to be able to FORCE your H to not have contact with her. It has to be HIS OWN decision. It's kind of like telling kids to stay out of the cookie jar at this point....the more you tell them to stay out of it...the more they want to get into it.

Right now....your H is rewriting the history he has had with you. It's classic for a WS to do this. It makes them feel better....and validates their feelings.

You have control of yourself only. You cannot control what he is going or not going to do.

Faith, I would have to agree with MissPrince. Stop with the flowers and strong displays of affection since that will only push him further away. It's hard but you need to focus on yourself and calm down. I am still having trouble doing that, but each day gets a little better.

My WS re-wrote our history too. It all right out of the WS script. Your WS needs to see you as independent, strong and confident, not clingy, needy or smothering. It goes against everything you are feeling right now and that is why it is so hard to do, but it is the only way. Don't give up there is always hope. You sound like a fantastic person.

Iam tring to behave. Just having a hard time not calling him even though I know he won't answer the phone. All I will get to do is leave a message. I am posting and praying to stay strong. WE had such I nice week together, I am going throgh withdrawal all over again. It's as if he just left. The pain can be very bad at times.
Faith

This is the 2nd time this has happened. My finace left me for a "friend" a year before I met my H. I'm starting to think that I have a problem?

Went by his place tonight. He is out I'm sure with OW and her friends. I guess he is enjoying the single life, while I am here picking up the pieces,doing all the work. MIL say's he told her was going to get an apartment.

Tomorrow is a scheduled contact day. I wonder what I should say when I leave message this time? Steve H says only positive messages maintianing we can work it out and be happy. Any thoughts anyone?

Faith, if you can't do it tomorrow do it the next day. there is no rush, its already bad how can it get worse by waiting another day and not doing anything. Conversely, if you are not swinging toward the positive you can make a mistake out of your upset emotions.

I know how you feel, it sucks. Just know, it will soon pass. The better you are able to 'let go', the more powerful you will be and you will be then stronger, and then maybe the next day you can get the positive groove and start over. Each day is a new beginning.

I think I should buy stock in kleenex

Faith, your biggest enemy right now is your emotions. Just give this time and look for strategic opportunities to attract him back....calmly and thoughtfully. If you feel like picking up the phone, come here and post to us instead, ok?