My h's ow had a history w/him before me. They dated for many years while growing up. He was her strong hold, as she had a very disfunctional family. The started their intamacy very very young. They broke up after high school, he went to college and met me....end of story. I was always hearing about "her name" around his family and friends. It was "cute" at first, but then I got sick of it. Seemed I was being used as a yard stick to measure up to "her name".

14 years later she is still in dysfunctional land w/her h. She emails my h and while in town visiting they arrange to meet. This was the beginning of the end for me.

She claimed she had "history" w/my h and she needed love and sex. He met that need. She never appologized, only blamed me for my "flaws" and indicated that I don't know him well enough to care for him.

Since dday I feel such intense hatred for her. I can't forgive her. I can't forgive her mother, whom she would come to visit and then go out w/my h. Her mother knew my h was a married man w/children and still enabled them, watched ow's children and condoned their behavoir....claims she "thought they were just friends".

I don't know what she looks like. She lives 4 hrs away, but her mother is here. I know she is supposedly getting divorced. I am consumed w/the thoughts of her "being around and not knowing she is near". I want to hunt her down and kill her.

So, anyone else have these feelings this far out after dday. I suppose they are normal. My h and I are doing well in recovery and stalled out a bit on the homework from seminar......however we are committed to bettering our family and our relationship. I just can't get past "her".

This was a bit of a vent, not sure if I have a question other than, anyone feel like this? Any thoughts of how to get beyond being obsessed w/"her"?

I am bumping so as to "hear" some thoughts/responses....

While no where near the history of yours, my H had history with the OW as well. During his first marriage he had separated and mutual friends introduced them. They only went out 2-3 times, but it was enough to convince her that they were "soul mates" and that he would always come back to her. She has waited 25 years for that.

I can appreciate the rage you feel for OW. In my case, all of his friends know her, and while they did not know of A, now that it is exposed, I can't get over feeling awkward around them. H has had no contact since discovery, although she is still pursuing. It is making our recovery very difficult. Each weekend she calls and leaves messages and since he does not answer, she has taken to driving by and leaving them in the mailbox. I want to physically hurt this woman and this is such an alien behavior for me. I have indulged in several fantasys concerning revenge which seems to help me cool off before the LBing starts. Silly things like posting her phone number and address in internet chat rooms (maybe someone else will catch her interest) and having her utilities disconnected, things of that nature. She too lives with her mother, and I just can not imagine her mother condoning what went on. Tried to talk to her mother who would not even listen.

My thoughts are with you, and hope for the best for you and H.

twoblue
so strange how the anger should be directed at h, but i have intense hate for her. i am glad i am not alone in my feelings.

I too am 18 months from DDay and while not obsessed with the OM, he does spring up into my mind. I am not a violent man but the thought of me ever running into him makes me a little frightened at what actions I might take. Probably a lot of misdirected anger from my WW to this creep but he has had a long time to show me the respect that I asked for. It never came and at this point I know it won't but deep in my heart, I know our paths will cross. Somewhere, sometime we have a small part of destiny to fulfill.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier with a different OW, one without history. FWH and OW were young and in love more than 25 years ago.

I so understand your rage. What are you doing about it? Are you seeing a counselor? Are you working through it? I have written numerous letters to her that I didn't mail. They tell her exactly my feelings for her in not so nice terms some times. I have driven back country roads on my job screaming, cursing and crying. Those are some of the ways I am releasing it.

I have been told that this is like a grief and it will continue to cycle with all the emotins associated with grief until we deal with each stage.

I thought it was so odd that we direct our anger to the OW and not the WS. However, we are working on that relationship so directing anger toward spouse is going to impede that. We really don't want a relationship with OP, so that is a safe place to direct our anger. My 2 cents.

2b,
I just posted my story under Gen. Questions (another broken heart). You can read the specifics there. In a nutshell, I'm 13 months out from DDay and I still have really angry thoughts about OW. You are not alone. I've had a few thoughts about doing away with her, but know I wouldn't do it because I couldn't cope with the guilt of leaving her children without a mother. A slut mother, but a mother nonetheless. I pray her daughter does not end up like her.

I am a very calm person by nature; it takes a lot for me to lose my temper and few have actually seen it. I have a quick temper and learned in my teens that I need to step away from the problem and cool off before addressing it. Nothing good is going to happen if I open my mouth while I'm angry.

Mostly I fantasize about telling everyone she works with and lives near what kind of person she is. (I've written some great poems that I'd like to write on the bathroom walls of her workplace.) Her parents and brother know and her H's family knows, but that is it. She has walked away like nothing has happened (her relative's words) and what I thought was a friendship between us was dismissed without so much as an "I'm sorry". Ok, I probably wouldn't believe her if she said it, but I'd like to be in a room alone with her for a couple of hours just to make her uncomfortable.

It is easier to direct the anger at the OP because you don't love them like you love your spouse. They also probably aren't doing anything toward lessening your anger toward them as your spouse is doing. I still have a ton of guilt over the fact that I cannot forgive this woman and that I do have so much anger. I am in foreign territory.
IF you can, get a copy of "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Abrahms Spring. I feel like I can at least go to the middle ground of acceptance without going all the way to forgiveness at this point and move on with my relationship with my H.

Take care,
Stumbling

thank you all 3 for your replies, i feel better already. i totally know the anger is misdirected. doesn't take it away though. i appreciate the book suggestion and also appreciate the "what are you doing about the hatred"-address the grief cycle question.

i have agreed to do nothing about it. i was always doing doing doing, now i am feeling it and venting it out. tired of doing. was doing harley mb homework and got tired of the same old same old. cant even come close to getting in the 15hrs so we are enjoying the summer and practicing what we have learned so far w/seminar and mb homework. supposedly spending time together 15hrs a week is to take away those feelings about threat w/other woman........

also going to counseling, didn't think i had any current issues affecting me strong enough to go back until you just asked me what i am doing about it....funny how we forget we have choices to let it affect us or to not....

i've read a lot and done a lot of self help and now am just "being" for now. but love the suggestions for when i am ready to jump in again......another good forgiveness book is forgive for good by dr luskin......thanks for reminding me i need to get it back out again

thank you very much for your replies.