Hello, I have been reading the boards for a couple weeks now. My situation is this. Married 18years.
My W(50) started an emotional affair approx 18mths ago, with our neighbor, who by the way is in a loveless marriage.It started with me being gone alot, I was helping my daughters school by coaching a basketball team, needless to say she got "lonely". It started off as most, talking etc...and of course he has filled her head with the your so pretty's , why would he leave you alone like this etc...
The PA aspect started last fall and they slept together 1 time(admited) which is normal for a relationship to grow I suspect. But even through all this I asked her many times to come clean, yes I got the "We're just friends etc.."
They would meet after work on for brief chat sessions, 400-500 minutes on the cell phone a month.
July 4th she finally came clean and admited everything, yes she is in love with himm and all the other stuff. My world came crashing down and did all the usuaal stuff.
With the help pf my brother I was able to finally get a grip.
Have been trying plan A, with an occasional LB for 3 weeks. she has told me that we might need a seperation period , so she can miss us, my response was if you feel it's what you need. She has told me that he is moving out and asked her to come with , if she desires.
Exposure has been done as his W knows about this and told him to get out.
I want and feel a strong desire to save my marriage.
I heard all the usual babble, don't you think we might hae been meant to meet? can a woman be in love with 2 men? I think that we can always be friends. I just feel like I wiull go through life with the "what if's" etc
It's intersting that my 16 daughter is handling this better than me.
I did tell my wife I can't guarantee anything if she goes with him, as she can't give me any gurantees either.
My questions are; 1) if she moves in with a girlfriend or by herself, do I keeep plan A ongoing. even if they are still talking?
2)do I go to plan B if she feels a need to try it out with him (which it will not work no matter how much fog BS she can give me, as there is no way her remaingin needs will be met.
3)I am a decent man who I feel got a little complacent in our marriage, but as I told her, I need money, but I don't go robbing banks.

what now please help

1. Plan A is ALL about the WS and OP being in contact..plan A is way to manage handling yourself so that each intereaction is as pleasant as you can make...plan A is about reacting in a way that is unexpected...so that you gather their attention even when it seems that they arent' paying attention...

2. You must seek legal counsel to see what rights you have to minimize the exposure of the children . Does he have children as well...and these are neighbors?? are the kids even friends...geez what a mess and what a dangerous time for mom to choose to pick to play make believe with another father.....with a sixteen year old daughter in the home...

your wife stands at causing at serious damage and hurt teaching her daughter that dads are replacable...and surely all the children really want is moms happiness..
this is not to say you block mom from seeing daugther at all..but you do everything in your power to block daughter being exposed to mom's boyfriend...two different things totally....

give no credance to mom moving out..state your beliefs that nothing good will come from that....that it is impossible to work on issues by turning away from issues...

have you identified her "reasons" for the affair...NONE of which justify the affair and are you addressing those..

if one was lonliness are you offering time and actiivities...
what is the tone in your home oppressive or upbeat..

have your read my plan A get grounded here post...if not I will try to bump....though my computer is dying a slow painful death..............

ARK

She has noticed that I have addressed things in my life that needed addressing, and complimented me on some changes that she has noticed.
She is so into a fog it seems that she can't see a way out. I appreciate your post on plan a, I printed it out so that I can be better prepared when she comes at me.
The homefront is actually not bad.
She admits that she has no heart and soul to put into our marriage and apologized for it, she justs keeps telling me to continue what I'm doing and hopefully she'll wake up. But I don't see it happening anytime soon.

It seems to me that your wife is a cakewoman and expects you to wait for her while she goes and plays house and lives with the OM. This is ridiculous. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Seek out a lawyer and understand your legal rights and let your wife know what will occur if you decide to divorce. This may be a wake up call for her. Letting her go off and enjoy a relationship with her lover knowing that she can come back when she is tired of him is in fact enabling her to enjoy her fantasy without any consequences. Do you really think she would be so accepting if the roles were reversed?

yes she is a cakewoman, and I did tell her I can't give her a safety net, to fall back on. Shes already said her coworkers told her you never know what someone will do until, she replied nah not him (with regards to lawyers).
Personally I don't think I could take her back. She has already told me she wouldn't have tolerated as much as I have already, if the roles were reversed.

i tell you , they do bring up any past ,just to take the heat off their fire...
I'm just doing the best plan A I can, even still building her barn for the horse we have. She told me that she feels guilty for me doing this, even when she can't seem to put 150% into salavaging our marriage

bump