I have been posting on JUST FOUND OUT for the past few days and I thought it might be time to "graduate". I'm freaking out right now b/c my WH and I sent the OW "the letter" last night to completely end the EA and, not to my surprise, she responded BUT my H at least forwarded it to me. He withdrew from me after he sent the letter and he's obviously struggling today b/c he hasn't called and the forwarded email is the only one I've had from him today.

Here is what it said (ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED AT THIS POINT!!! I don't know what to do now):

Subject: Good bye (my last email)

I have to say it was a joy knowing you and I wish you the best in your life and hope ALL of your dreams come true.
I thought I had a really good friend over there in *(our state)* and I NEVER thought our friendship would end.

But since I respect you and your decision and the promise you made to your wife this will be my last email I will send you. I will only contact **** and **** (coworkers) with any situation I have (or the new guy when he gets there).

It kills me inside that I have lost a friend, but BOO F*ING HOO for me right. ; )
There is a lot more that I would like to say, but I have to just let it go.
Take care of your wonderful family. I am glad you put them first in your life...that is why I fell for you in the first place.

Have a great life *(my H's name)*
I wish many beautiful sunny days where the sun warms your face. Many clear cool nights where the stars light up the sky and your wife can sit on your lap and you can wrap your arms around her and keep her warm.
I wish only success for you two and your kids.
Best of luck to *(MY son's name!) in his U-9 soccer team. I know it will only make him better.

Keep an eye out in the next 10-15 years for *(her 3 kids' names)*. I have a feeling with *(OW's H name)* and My genes they might turn out to be super stars in something. We are not going to push them and we will let them do what they want, but with their height and build, I don't think
there will be any stopping them. Only time will tell though.
Many smiles from here on out...no more tears... and thank God your life is going to be back to normal again.

***** (OW's name)


I don't know if I can stop myself from responding to her. I want to call her and rip her apart. I fear that my H has fallen for her pathetic note and contacted her already. I have no trust...why should I. How dare she?!?!?

PLEASE, someone respond and keep me from making a mistake at this crutial time!!!

Hello,
I just read your post on the other forum as well. First, I think you should slow down and take a few deep breaths. I am not so very far into this journey, but I think you need to stop and think.

Ok, you know he has had a really bad day. What can you do to make it better? Maybe his favorite dinner, a massage, maybe just sit with him and let him be quiet or if he wants to talk, let him talk.

You know him. He's your man, right? She really stroked his ego in that letter so you better be ready to stroke it better and longer.

Now that you have had time to sit down and breathe, get up and get ready to fight for him by loving him and meeting his needs not by attacking her.

I realize that hind sight is 20/20, and it would have been better to send it without a way for her to respond, but that didn't happen. Have him block her from his email account. That will help him on NC if she should try that route again.

(((hugs)))
now, go fight for your man <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

THANK YOU for your advice. I agree about the email block and had suggested it as a safeguard earlier in the week knowing how concerned he was about that possibility. Unfortunately he didn't do it and instead of instantly deleting her email w/o reading it, he soaked it up. I would guess we're back at square one now (if we're lucky). She knows his cell phone number, work number and work email address. I've suggested changing his cell number and even his work email address but he says that is not possible due to his job. Perhaps an excuse to leave the door open?

I've thought about calling her just to say, "Look, I know about your email b/c he is sharing everything with me. You are ruining his life--walk away." I realize this might be adding fuel to the fire but I'm so enraged, I want her to know that he is not hiding anything from me. I've also thought about calling her H to let him know that I know what is going on and that my WH and I are doing everything we can to stay together, rebuild our M.

UGH! So frustrated, so confused, so hurt and SO worried about my H. This is so sick.

Everyone here is going to tell you to expose to her H. I never did, but the A was over before DDay. I'm not sure, but you might be able to block her number from his cell. My H changed his personal e-mails, but has to keep his work one. She initially contacted him on it, but switched to his personal ones. He has promised to delete without opening anythign from her. He has also promised to tell me.

I am trying to trust, but I do occaisionally check his work account. I also check his cell phone and ask him questions about who calls, emails, etc. He is very patient with me and doesn't get defensive. He is very understanding of my need to know.

One morning he got a very early call and went outside to answer it. I know he can't hear in the house, but I questioned it. He handed me his phone to look for myself. I also stood at the back door to listen. It was not her, but still my heart stopped for a bit.

I would say not to call her. I don't think it will make it better. To me, it would give her power that she still has control and might encourage her to contact him again.

We are leaving to go out of town for a few days. Post a report and I'll look for it when I get back, ok?

Hang in there. Have you cooked his favorite supper yet?

Thanks for the advice at cooking his favorite meal! We went out the other night to one of his favorite restaurants and shared a late night snack last night. We have been glued to each other all week until last night when the letter was sent. The OW's H knows about the A. Apparently he found out 3 weeks before my WH told me. I think he needs to know that my H wants the A to be over, NC, etc. but that his WW is not helping.

I guess I need to go for a run or something to try to calm down. I'm scared beyond belief and so angry that the OW reached out to him again. I guess her M must not be worth fighting for and she found all the emotional support in my H!

How are you?
I understand about being glued to one another. We have been like that for 8 weeks now. I kids are starting to wonder what is going on. I started getting my nails done and going to the tanning bed to make my self feel better and to help with my Husbands EN of an attractive spouse. My son asked if I was having a mid-life crisis! I about stroked out not telling him it was not be, but his dad that was having one.

I really want it to work out with my husband. I know it will take work, but I know that both of us want to work at it. I hope you and your spouse are also able to do that.
take care

Loved your comment about your son's question and the answer that came into your head! Hysterical! I think our boys might wonder why their daddy and I are so lovey-dovey these days (sad that it has not been so common). Good for you on taking care of yourself...nice nails and a tan are good mood lifters!

I'm doing well, all things considered. I, too, feel that my H and I both really want to work through this and that it is possible that we'll have a stronger M in the end. My H definitely has his work cut out for him trying to figure out who he is, something that our MC said is crucial to him being able to move forward and something that my H was never really allowed to do growing up (due to controlling mother).

Obviously I have my work cut out for me, too. My WH claims that I am the ideal spouse and that there was not anything that I specifically did that caused him to turn to the OW. I don't really buy this (some EN's not being met both ways) but agree that his lack of identity and confidence contributed to the EA. Our MC said that the real pull to the OW was total lack of real responsibility. My WH has a big, long-standing problem with this so that made sense to me. WH's BIG heart and love of being the hero played roles, as well. I still fear that the OW will contact my H again, just hope my H will tell me even though he knows it would upset me (no LBs on my part, just a sadness he can see and sense in me).

We went on a date last night to a concert, had a great time. It was wonderful to just concentrate on the music and each other, not everything else. I seem to be craving my H physically and I have a hard time keeping my hands off him! Is this unusual???? So many things going on in my head and heart!

We have similar situations and similar sounding husbands. Your third paragrpah describes him to a T. He still says it was nothing I did or didn't do, just him being stupid. I know we were both failing to meet needs, though.

We read surving an affair. We know each other's EN. About once a week we ask how we're doing on meeting those. We are making an effort to work on it.

I'm not saying it is easy. Some days are awful. I had a dream this morning and woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep. Things are gettting better. I am not having the thoughts of them together as often. I do worry that she will contact him again. His work email is still active, but he promises to tell me if she does.

Tonight, we went to the Sonic for a burger. I asked him if he missed her. He said he seldom thinks about her anymore unless I bring her up.

We went away for the weekend. It was not just us, but we did get a little time to talk. Both of us agree we wish the A had not happened and the pain didn't have to be dealt with, but we are both glad our marriage is not like it was before and during the A. I think we are getting stronger every day.

I hope you two keep working together on your relationship.

oh, and I am the same way about the physical thing. Me, who honestly could have cared less a few months ago wants to be physical with him all of the time. I understnad how it is to have all these things in your head and your heart. It is good to be where there are others feeling the same way.

take care

Sounds like you two are doing well. I worry about my WH and me. He was supposed to go to the MC on his own again today but said he can't now b/c work is too hectic. I'm trying to be supportive but naturally worry that it is more than that. I guess it is really up to him at this point. I decided to take his place today, figure it can't hurt! Might do me more good than I'm expecting.

The physical side of things has obviously subsided on my WH's side. Even though his was not a PA but a two month EA with someone he's never even seen, I guess he is suffering from withdrawal. I worry constantly that he will contact her again or that she'll try to contact him (as happened before when they had supposedly ended things after the OW's H found out) and that he won't be strong enough to cut the ties. I suppose there is not much I can do about that.

My WH is so lost as far as who he really is and what is real in life. Thank God for our two boys who keep him grounded at this point. Baby steps, right?

Hello,
I hope you are having a good weekend with your WH. I am going to not be checking her very often anymore. I have learned a lot, but honestly, I get really depressed and confused I guess you might say. I also am spending way too much time here. I need to spend more time doing other things. Instead of doing my work when I get on line, I am spending too much time here. It has almost become an addiction to sit down and check on MB.

I would like to know how you are doing. If you want to email me you can do so at moveforwardmb @ yahoo.com.

take care

I understand your feelings about needing to stop spending so much time here. I feel it has become an addition, also.

I do appreciate everyone's advice and words of encouragement, not to mention the plethera of information about how to deal with this sort of nightmare.

I, too, am going to focus more on my immediate surroundings. Best of luck to you and your FWH and everyone else!