I am in Plan A with WW. What is the group's opinion on:

1) sleeping in the same bed? some nights this is hard for me to do --- it hurts to be near her (if that makes sense).
Should I tough it out or is it OK to sleep in the guest room?

2) Wearing my wedding ring? I've taken mine off. She stopped wearing hers weeks ago.

3) Having Sex? What if she initiates? Is it best to refrain?

I'm just trying to send the right message to her.

Thanks!

dude I am in the same predicament.
I am sleeping in my bed, I didn't ask for any of this crap to begin with.
I did give my ring back to her, and said when you want you want me to be your husband , give it back to me.Doesn't mean I don't love her none the less

Sex. Whats that? Haven't had any since Dday July 4th...Personally I think she might be imagining him anyway if we did do it

Jgoat,

For what it is worth...I am still in plan a myself and struggling. Although there are 2 a's to deal with in my situation. here is what I can tell you from the WS point of view...

1. Sleeping in the same be will only bolster and strengthen the bond between you. You are married and for all intents living the same life so to speak. It will help her in her widthdrawal and make her feel secure.

2. absolutely yes...wear the wedding ring it is a symbol of reminder to you and your spouse of your commitment to each other. you are still married and if truely committed it is important that you show each other on every level that very commitment.

3. Sex is a tough issue...from a male stand point it is important in showing and seeing that there is a true attraction both emotionally and physically. By no means am I saying that you should bow to the every command, especially if you really do not want to...but it is important as an emotional need for both of you and it in and of itself will give a sense of security as well. There is a very big emotional connection (at least for me) in having sex with the woman whom you love like no one else.

That being said as I mentioned I am very new to this as well and I can only give my opinion. these were and still remain important issues to me as well. I feel for you and keep you in my prayers.

R.

Jgoat,

So if Plan A means to be the best H you can possibly be for your W so you can show her that you are the one she cannot live without and are head and shoulders above any other male on the planet then....

1) Sleep in the same bed and hold her, cuddle, caress, hug, whatever she wants to do to know that you love and care for her. TOUGH IT OUT. A lot of Plan Aing is tough on the BS.

2) Wear your wedding ring which shows that you are proud to let people know she is your W, plus you are married and the ring is the symbol.

3) If she initiats then see #1 above. If you initiate and she response positively then again you are performing Plan A. If she only wants to be held or left alone, again making her happy and comfortable being with you is your # 1 priority.

Now I have only been here about a year, so this is MHO. Others may feel differently.

Good luck with this.

k

You want to send the message that the marriage is important to you and you love her during Plan A..sooo...


This is a great way to show you do still love her and you want to get through it. As much as it is hard to lay near her, I think you need to to keep up the consistancy of showing her you love her and want this marriage to work and are commited. It's also a time where she may be willing to cuddle or love, and a chance for you to Plan A more when she is willing to.


No matter if she is wearing hers or not - wear yours - once again, you are establishing you wants without pushing the relationship talking. Showing you are committed to her and the marriage.


Let her initiate it, but don't push it if she doesn't. Most women's #1 need is not sex, but affection will make them want sex - so keep up the affection, the cuddles if she will allow them, the emotional intamacy, and if she initiates sex, then go along with it - make it all about her in the bed too! Plan A Plan A Plan A <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My WS told me that being affectionate with her makes her think of the OM.

I would keep the ring on and sleep in the same bed as well as showing affection that she will allow...

You want to give her the true impression that you believe in the M and that you are committed.

I had stopped wearing my wedding ring some months or weeks before DD because she had "lost" hers while out all night one night (against my wishes and requests. I stayed home and she stayed out until 9am...) I insisted that she take care of getting a new one (they were very custom, matched, and handmade to order) and she never did. It was months before I decided that she wasn't going to so I was angry and took mine off... After DD and finding the MB site and reading through everything I decided to put mine back on and never take it off again as long as we are married... I have kept that commitment up and have no plans to change it. She even started wearing a temp ring on her ring finger until the last few days when things seem to have taken a dive for the time being..

SF is an EN and has been discouraged elsewhere around here until after withdrawl or even NC I believe (please browse around and check that out because I am not 100% sure but would love to know). I have read a lot of posts that explain that SF will be very awkward until you start to fill up the lovebanks past the romantic love threshold.. So you should just do it since it usually adds love units... Except in withdrawl it probably decreases the balance...

As far as sleeping in the same bed, You should do that (shows affection) unless she decides that she will move to a different room... That is her decision to make. You should do everything you can to eliminate LB's and refusing to sleep in the same bed is probably an LB.

Holding, touching, nice kisses, and hugs (with no leading to SF) are all good signs of affection that you should be showing if she will allow it. According to Dr H affection is an EN that is in most women's top 5 EN's... You know whether that is something she has complained about. If she won't explain her EN's then you should fill out the EN worksheet and give it to her showing that this is what you understand her EN's to be. She might even clarify some of the for you aor corrects some that are off base...

more later,

- hopeful_bs

This is a great question because the BS often is very mixed with feelings of love and despair for the WS...

SF can probably help both or hurt depending on the situation.

I would say the if the PA is still active then you need to be very careful for STD's (has she been checked and provided the results to you?)... Remember that there are always lies lingering around the A and even if she says that NC has started that doesn't mean it is true... I know that I wanted to believe so much that it was true but it definately wasn't true at all...

I would insist on the best ongoing proof that you can acquire in order to confirm NC on a regular basis,.. If he/she is in NC then they have no reason to not provide the proof.. If they refuse or become defensive then that may be a sign that NC is not true...

But like other have said, I can't argue with the emotinoal connectin created by SF... I definately crave it and cannot wait until we get to that point. We definately are not there now. It would feel wierd for me knowing that she is probably thinking of the OM... We were having sporadic SF up to DD and it stopped immediately after that. Go figure. I really wonder if the OM knew that he was sharing SF with me as well. I didn't know that he was in the loop... That is for sure. If he was under the impression that there was no SF between my WS and myself then she was lying to him as well... Nice... I asked her whether he knew but she didn't tell me... Probably a grey area in A's... Since there is obviously a third (or fourth, fifth, etc) partner involved.

I hope all this turns out for the better for you. It can.

- hopeful_bs

I'm in Plan A. My WW does not live at home right now, but she does visit from time to time.

When we are together we sleep in the same bed.

Like hopeful, I had stopped wearing my wedding ring long before DDay. I quit wearing mine because it was too big. (I'm a lot smaller than when I got married) My W's didn't fit and we both quit wearing them. After DDay I wear mine all the time. I do this both to show my commitment to my M, but more importantly to me it reminds me of the work I need to do on myself. I was not very good at avoiding WW's LB's. Having my ring on (after so long not wearing it) helps remind me off that.

My WW and still have SF. In fact it has been better than ever since DDay. This is an importnat EN that I think my WW is trying to meet. It is also an importnat EN for my wife that I do not think OM meets. Plus I think it helps break down some of the detachment in our M.