And if she decides to act up and doesn't get guidance, things could turn very ugly. For starters, WH could be in jail.

Regardless of what he "did," an accusation alone could get big-time consequences.

Orchid: So do this B4 doing the letter. Vital stuff.


Orchid: No. Multiple letters water down the impact. WS' generally have short term memory and can't handle multi-tasking or reading. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Can't do a good plan B if you do not take a solid stance. If you feel you are still vacillating, then review your boundaries, get the correct list and implement them b4 you go to plan B. He doesn't have to know this is a 2 step plan. Both s/b done close together.


Orchid: Ok, this is a good start. Need to solidfy your stance. Know the hurt w/b there. Know the healing has a plan. Know you w/b ok. Know this is temporary.

Compare that to the WS who doesn't know much.


Orchid: Good. You are improving. Keep on pluggin'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Orchid: so with the boundary, Do I just out and say it like this (I copied this from somewhere):

When you: X

I feel: Y

I want: Z

Since I am powerless over you, I will take {this} action to protect myself if you behave in this way. I have a right to protect and defend myself. It is my duty to take responsibility for how I allow others to treat me.

and/or/with:I will start consider all options of protecting myself including removing myself from the relationship.

Now, I can see right now another boundary I can start with. I already will not listen to him blame me or yell, I remove myself from the conversation.

If he doesn't respond to my letter, I can state how I feel and then I can say what I will do because I am powerless over him. I know I can't force him to talk with me about my letter or anything for that matter.

I just have to think up what I will do. *thats the hard part*

I think I will keep this thread as my thread. Hopefully it will be a reconciliation story. It will be a success either way.

The boundary is identified by you and created by you and for you.

The letter is not asking if he will change, it is telling him what you will accept/tolerate while he is in this state of confusion.

The letter will remind him of who he was and say that who he is right now does not fit into your life. That if he decides to go back to being your H, then and only then can R talk, then M talk be started, then if all goes well (by your standards) recovery c/b started.

The letter lets him know you love your H not the WS. The actions of the WS are hurtful to you and your family. It is not a debate, it is a fact.

No details t/b given to the WS....they can't handle it and will turn it against you so don't give any. Just general statements to make them 'wonder'. The tool and trick is to make them 'wonder' what you are planning t/d. WS and OPs must thrive on control of the BS. When you remove yourself from their chaos, it oftens throws them for a loop. Better to keep them off balanced than visa versa.

JHMO,
L.

I feel sick. He changed the passcode for the cingular account.

Do you think contact with OW is in process , for him to change the passcode?

Have you exposed to anyone from OW family? If she is only 17 theres is alot you can do to end this A.


* Everything seems a little clearer. I realize what life is all about. It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough and giving more when you feel like giving up! *

He may have done it just to piss me off, or he may have done it to hide something. There had been no contact since Aug. 6.

I have counseling tomorrow. I don't know what I will do until then, I'm trying to not let it ruin my day.

I was just wondering something. If all the fur flies and we go to plan B..I wonder what I will do for $?

We have 5 kids together, a mortgage and car payments. I'm a SAHM and haven't worked in 11 years.

I know that God will provide and I will get support, but when do I start being proactive such as working on resume or figure out what kind of Job I can do?

There is no way I can keep the lifestyle we have. I could tell him to leave but I couldn't afford the house. That will have to be a 'consequence' I guess.

I do not want to be the one to move, I'd have to go home to my parents and pull the kids out of their school. But I can't afford the house.

I am just curious as to when I start making a plan?

He has been very kind to me otherwise, but this EA is just ridiculous and I am not going to take it much longer. He hasn't told me its over and by his actions I can assume he doesn't want me poking into this 'private business'.

I wonder if he knows what he's up against, that I will not tolerate it much longer? I guess I will have to show him. I have been praying that it would go otherwise and his heart would change.

Forgive me for talking out loud, I'm really struggling with this its very upsetting that he treat me like a queen one day yet block me from looking at the cell account--otherwise forcing me to make more choices to protect myself, that will actually hurt him?

We discussed this and he said it was done with, so this changes the direction

tomorrow is counseling appt. #3 for me....

Now that you have told me it is over, what can we do to rebuild trust?

This is what I have done.
1.
2.
3.
what else would you like me to do

This is what I would like from you
1. no contact for life with OP
2. no contact letter from both of us
3. full access to online cell account password
4. add me as authorized user to cell account
5. pay for counseling
6. no late nights, room to think will be granted I won't bug you if you need space, I will respect that request

what else I would like
1. church as a family
2. take a look at what happened up to this point so we can improve and take a new direction (is this asking too much?)

Now....I know that the top 4 are non-negotiable and we will need policing these boundaries.

This is contrary to what Orchid posted, letting him know these actions are hurting me and I will not tolerate. and what I will do, i don't have to share becaue I don't want to give away my strategy. I get really confused here.

How I get from point A to point B, and what I will do if he doesn't go with me.

what about MC?

I'm alredy in MC and I tell him every appointment. I don't ask anymore I don't want to be the nag.

No, what I mean is why is it not one of your requirements?

I started MC and invited him to join me, so far he has chosen not to go. I just approach it by telling him when each appointment is, getting a sitter and leaving it like that.

I guess because I think its just too much to push for, when I already asked and he declined. I can only do so much.

Hey. he said he would give me a no contact letter because the girl keeps contacting me and I'm sick of it. I told him what i would like it to say and he had no problem with that.

Also, regarding the blocked account and shredded cell bill, he said anytime I wanted to look that I could. I asked him why he shredded it and he said he's sick of everytime we get a bill its a huge event....LOL DUH!

Now, the counselor said that he's set thouse boundaries (although not kind and trust building ones) that wh knows it will be a challenge for me to ask him to go through with it (the letter and showing me the cell bill). That's my assignment this week.

Also, to go over my boundaries clearly, in written form but to read it, and anticipate what he will say and do (he is quicker than me and always deflects, and I'm always feeling intimidated) and turn it around toward what he wants from me to rebuild trust and then get back to my boundaries. does that make sense?

I want to have the 'consequences' firmed up in my mind so I can stop worrying about what I will do if he does this...etc.

Because I know I can't control him, but I'm rather afraid of not being prepared for when he chooses something contrary to what I have asked for.