I found this site about a week and half ago...it has been terrific - THANK YOU

My W (of 3 1/2 years, 10 years together) admitted having an affair to me about 2 1/2 weeks ago and it has been crushing. It has been a roller-coaster of emotions but reading this site extensively has helped immensely. I have some questions of what to do now.

Here are some of the important events in the last month and half:

In the month prior to Dday, I came home from a business trip to find my WS was very 'distant' and acting strangely. She had a friend visiting (from a different state) and she was partying it up with her. My wife does like to party occasionally but not to the extent they did that week. She did her best to avoid me until I left on another business trip 5 days later.

When I came home from the second trip (2 weeks later) she wasn't so distant but things weren't right. The day after I got home, a different friend of hers visited us, on her way to visit her brother (about 5 hours away). Her friend and her went to the bar and never came home. She phoned me the next morning to tell me she was at her friends brother's place for the weekend. I was furious that she acted so immature and without consideration to me.

After she got back, we discuss what she was doing and I now I knew something was up. I started suspecting another man and she finally confessed to me about 5 days later.

We had both been drinking and I guess the guilt got to her... she brought it up without me prompting her and confessed. As I highly suspected this was the case I thought I was totally prepared to handle this (WRONG!!). After her confession, I told her in a very calm voice that I was going to divorce her. (bare in mind this was a knee-jerk reaction and before I knew about MB)

The next day, my heart was crushed and I was very confused. She really wanted to try to save the marriage and I thought to myself that whether I divorce her now or two months from now probably would not matter. I agreed to hold off and try to save our marriage.

That day (the day after Dday), the OM called, she told him it was over and that he was not to call here anymore.

Since then, he has called twice and she repeated to him (one time) that it is over and not to call again.

I do believe the affair is over, I pretty sure she has no contact with him for at least two and half weeks and has not seen him for at least 3 and half weeks though there is no guarantees obviously. As a precaution, I have been doing a lot of plan a and plan to do it for a couple of more weeks. [color:"red"] Is this a good idea? Sometimes I feel that she thinks I am desparate to save this marriage and that it is her choice to leave or stay. I know when I withdraw these Plan a gestures she seems to be more worried about saving the M.[/color] I have to leave on a another business trip shortly for a week and I do believe my wife will not see or contact him but I know the addiction can be very powerful.

She told me today that she can't believe that she treated a great guy (her words) as badly as she has. She asked me if I thought she is a bad person. I told her no, but that she did do a bad thing. I also told her that if I thought she was a bad person that I would not be trying to work things out.

She has agreed to go to MC when I get back from my next trip. I am not sure if we should have gone already (i guessing we should have).

I would welcome any advice and answers you 'experts' can give, and I will gladly answer any questions to make the situation clearer.

Thanks in advance.


[color:"yellow"] PLEASE NOTE: that I reposted this in the general questions II section as I thought it was better place to post - Cheers [/color]

BB,

Hang in there. I'm in a similar situation as you in terms of having a WW, but different scenarios, where my WW is "in love with 2 men," and wants to end the marriage.

I'm sticking to my guns with Plan A, and trying to meet all of ENs. Since she seems open and willing to admit the A happened, see if you can break through and see why she strayed, what ENs weren't being met that caused this?

Keep your chin up!

That's tough BB, you're exactly where I was 4-5 months ago. It's going to be tough on you and it'll take her a while to really get over the OM, so don't expect any suddent miracles.

Since you're out of town a lot you need to have a good way to check up on her, trust me, no amount of spying is too much or wrong.

Your wife acts a lot like mine did after I said I was leaving her, which I think is a good thing. We're doing pretty well now- but I'll tell you, you'll be thinking about the OM more than she is after 3 months of recovery. That sucks.

Good luck.