I found this site about a week and half ago...it has been terrific - THANK YOU

My W (of 3 1/2 years, 10 years together) admitted having an affair to me about 2 1/2 weeks ago and it has been crushing. It has been a roller-coaster of emotions but reading this site extensively has helped immensely. I have some questions of what to do now.

Here are some of the important events in the last month and half:

In the month prior to Dday, I came home from a business trip to find my WS was very 'distant' and acting strangely. She had a friend visiting (from a different state) and she was partying it up with her. My wife does like to party occasionally but not to the extent they did that week. She did her best to avoid me until I left on another business trip 5 days later.

When I came home from the second trip (2 weeks later) she wasn't so distant but things weren't right. The day after I got home, a different friend of hers visited us, on her way to visit her brother (about 5 hours away). Her friend and her went to the bar and never came home. She phoned me the next morning to tell me she was at her friends brother's place for the weekend. I was furious that she acted so immature and without consideration to me.

After she got back, we discuss what she was doing and I now I knew something was up. I started suspecting another man and she finally confessed to me about 5 days later.

We had both been drinking and I guess the guilt got to her... she brought it up without me prompting her and confessed. As I highly suspected this was the case I thought I was totally prepared to handle this (WRONG!!). After her confession, I told her in a very calm voice that I was going to divorce her. (bare in mind this was a knee-jerk reaction and before I knew about MB)

The next day, my heart was crushed and I was very confused. She really wanted to try to save the marriage and I thought to myself that whether I divorce her now or two months from now probably would not matter. I agreed to hold off and try to save our marriage.

That day (the day after Dday), the OM called, she told him it was over and that he was not to call here anymore.

Since then, he has called twice and she repeated to him (one time) that it is over and not to call again.

I do believe the affair is over, I pretty sure she has no contact with him for at least two and half weeks and has not seen him for at least 3 and half weeks though there is no guarantees obviously. As a precaution, I have been doing a lot of plan a and plan to do it for a couple of more weeks. Is this a good idea? Sometimes I feel that she thinks I am desparate to save this marriage and that it is her choice to leave or stay. I know when I withdraw these Plan a gestures she seems to be more worried about saving the M. I have to leave on a another business trip shortly for a week and I do believe my wife will not see or contact him but I know the addiction can be very powerful.

She told me today that she can't believe that she treated a great guy (her words) as badly as she has. She asked me if I thought she is a bad person. I told her no, but that she did do a bad thing. I also told her that if I thought she was a bad person that I would not be trying to work things out.

She has agreed to go to MC when I get back from my next trip. I am not sure if we should have gone already (i guessing we should have).

I would welcome any advice and answers you 'experts' can give, and I will gladly answer any questions to make the situation clearer.

Thanks in advance.

Hey, just wanted to encourage you on this heart wrenching journey. It totally sucks to have a detour in the marriage.

Its better though to go through it and come out better than to live in the state you were probably in previously. You can have a healthier marriage. I have faith this can happen in my life too, I just hope my H will also what I want.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

I suggest that you ask your wife to write him a no contact letter. It should be short and say that she made a big mistake, loves you and wants to work on her marriage, and he is not to contact her for any reason. Then, you mail the letter.

whattagirl,

Thanks for your kind words of support. I wish you all the best in your journey ahead with your husband.

Cheers

Of course continue Plan A'ing. I think the biggest test will come when you leave town again and she begins to feel neglected or lonely again. Can you not invite her along?

Read Surviving an Affair. Available on this site and at your local bookstore. There is a great example of a traveling businessman whose wife had an affair. At first she resented his being away and the neglect created conditions in the marriage wherein she had an affair. Post D-day, husband quit/transfer to a job with less or no travel only it involved less money. Eventually, the couple came together to realize that the traveling job was necessary to accomplish the lifestyle they both wanted. But because it was a joint decision she no longer felt neglected. They scheduled regular phone calls and arranged for the wife to travel with him on some business trips. The ended up recovering their marriage.

My point. Peruse this site, post, get her involved in the concepts. This is not a quick fix and there should be a series of ups and downs. It sounds as though she is willing to work with you to build a better marriage. However, I suggest secretly monitering for contact just in case she's just getting "more careful" knowing she can have her cake when you are out of town. Act like you trust her, plan A, but, protect your backside.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Hi greatwhite. Similar experience here. In my case getting my WW to end contact has been more difficult than I thought it would be. Just a heads up in case it should go that way for you as well.

On two occasions WW said that either she or OM had ended contact - but it didn't stick. Lately she's denied being in contact, so it's lies on top of deceptions.

Anyway just wanted to say that for me it looked - at the beginning - to be pretty straightforward to cut off the A. But it hasn't turned out that way. We're now 2 months past D-day and I'm still not sure she's in NC. Hope it goes better for you. I suggest you should expect the best, but be prepared for the worst. Best Wishes!

Does your MC know that she's still in contact? ANd if so, what was their response? (You can run, but you can' thide... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

so sorry..

Mine is a very similar story as yours. Thinking of you.