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#1456036 08/19/05 06:56 PM
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Rosey Offline OP
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Hi all, I am new to your site, but very grateful I found it. My question is whether or not sex must be present for a relationship to be concidered and affair. I am confused. My present situation and the situation of the other party have allowed a relationship to build that we at one point both attributed to a father/daughter situation. It then moved to the brother/sister rationalization and now has reached the point that neither of thses two scenerios is ever brought up. We fall right in line with all of the other "critera" that seem to describe an affair except that we have not allowed a physical relationship to take place. It is joked around and hinted at, but has never been a topic of a serious conversation either for or against it.
Due to extenuating circumstances in our lives we do not have the option of removing ourselves from each others lives without causing a questionable eye to be turned towards us. Right now we are seen as simply good friends who goof off and have a great time together. My husband is aware of the friendship, but not the 'relationshep.' His wife seems quite clueless somedays and very cold on others. I would like to figure out if this is headed down the wrong road or if the fact that we are able to conciously avoid physical contact that we could end up just being the best of friends. I would like to be able to discuss this with him, but I am unsure as to how to bring it up with out running him off. He is very devoted when it comes to taking care of me and I wouldn't want to say anything to hurt him or make him think I thought his intentions were anything less than honorable.

I know that's alot. Sorry for such along post. I don't have anyone else to turn to.

Rosey.

Rosey #1456037 08/19/05 07:08 PM
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Hi Rosey,

You are definately in what is referred to as an Emotional Affair, and it is an affair. You guys are aware of feelings you have for eachother, and it seems you are attracted to him as more than a friend when you refer to avoiding physical contact.

I know you say the circumstances are extenuating, but the best thing you can do is get away from this man...and coming from a FWW (former wayward wife) is tell you husband about these feelings and let him help you get them under control before any more damage is done.

I know you do not want to hurt this man, or make him think otherwise, but you have to realize your feelings can be dangerous. So you need to distance yourself from this man. These things can get out of control fast, I know from personal experience, from my relationship starting as a great friendship (or so I thought) that led to feelings...and I tried to ignore them, didn't distant myself and then ended up in a physical affair.

An emotional affair can be just as harmful as a physical affair. You are right to recognize the danger you are in...act on it! Get away from this man, and let your husband know.


Dorry (aka Deeplysorry)
me FWW - EA/PA fall of 2004
FWH EA/PA late spring 2005
Got our acts together July 2005 and started recovery.

The Recovery Guide for WW's (Wayward Wives)
Dorry's Story

[color:"blue"]Excuses are easy...change is hard....[/color]
Rosey #1456038 08/19/05 07:11 PM
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You have a real opportunity here and I fear you will throw it away.

Stop now. This is not your spouse. It is someone else's.

You have a real opportunity to NOT destroy a marriage so stop now... because if you do take that step, you are signing up for a relationship that has statistics STACKED against it. You will be found out. I was. You will be racked with guilt and pain. I was. You will be confused about what is real and not real in life anymore. I was.

And I WISH I had never taking the step to make an affair physical. What an absolute nightmare. I have written 9 months so far of my life into hurt and pain that did not have to be there.

Stop now. You may want to 'take it to the next level' but I am telling you from experience.. it is a nightmare and not worth anything.

That said, you are playing around in what is called an Emotional Affair. Confess this to your husband and begin to work on making your current marriage stronger.

All of this may seem radical and overpowering. It is important to me because I wish I never would have crossed the line.

I will not be the only one to tell you to confess and stop and all this.

Please care enough for your husband to do th=e right thing for him and your marriage.

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My husband is out of the country and will be for another 9 months. I do not desire or need a physical relationship with another man. We have been friends for quite a while, the relationship grew when his wife was out of town for about 8 weeks. With both spouses gone, and already being good friends, we just naturally took up the slack for one another. I believe that if we were going to be stupid enough to 'do anything' we would have done it by now.
I am not familiar with Emotional Affairs. I do know that I would like to find a way to say "Hey - your a great guy and a special person and I appreciate all the many things you've done for me - and I want to be your friend, but that's all I can be. And if that isn't ok, then I can't be your friend at all." It just sounds so accusatory. I guess it might just have to do.

Rosey #1456040 08/19/05 07:34 PM
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You obviously feel a need to say that to him. That right there shows that this "friendship" has already crossed the line of what's appropriate for two married people.

Is your husband in the military?


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
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MARRIED to LostHusband 7/23/05!!
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"His wife seems quite clueless somedays and very cold on others."

Hmmm..if you guys haven't crossed any lines, then what, might I ask, is she clueless to?

Right now, there is a woman out there who senses there is something not quite right with her husband, her marriage. She may have even asked him what's wrong, and he says "nothing". There's a little voice in her head that is giving her hints at what is not right. It gets louder every time she sees you two together, is in the same room with the wo of you. She sees the way he "lights up" when he looks at you, and wishes he looked at her that way. She sees, she notices...but she can't REALLY think he or you would ever do that to her...she is just blowing things out of proportion, leting her imagination run away with her...she must be going crazy! After all, you guys are "just friends"....RIGHT?

Whether you think so or not, whether you are willing to admit it or not, you are causing an innocent person a lot of pain right now. She may not fully realize where the pain is coming from, but it's there. Soon, she WILL realize it though...

Do you really want to be the one who destroys other people's lives (and your own)?

Please ask yourself that.

BTW, is his wife your friend too?


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
Divorced after XWH's A
MARRIED to LostHusband 7/23/05!!
3 step DD's, 15, 13, 10
Rosey #1456042 08/19/05 07:42 PM
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My husband is out of the country and will be for another 9 months

Well - your husband isn't around for companionship, affection and love...and another man who is a friend, is filling these things without you realizing this - this is a big red flag.

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I do not desire or need a physical relationship with another man.

Not yet you don't but you are treading on dangerous waters. This is coming from someone who started out as just good friends too. Once you feel those feelings are more than just friends, even if the desire isn't there yet...it's getting too close.

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I believe that if we were going to be stupid enough to 'do anything' we would have done it by now.

Don't believe that. You are smart enough to recognize your feelings are not right...and asking about it. I highly doubt ONE FWS (former wayward spouse) in here doesn't understand the spot you are in right now and WISH we were doing exactly what you are now - asking for advice. And WISHING we could have walked away at the moment you have the right to right now. Instead we denied those feelings, and they grew and grew and POOF - we are where we are.

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I am not familiar with Emotional Affairs

quoting dr. harley..... In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is when a married individual has sexual contact and/or inappropriate emotional attraction to a person to whom they are not married.

You are in an emotional affair, as you are having an inappropriate attraction to someone you aren't married to - so you have no desire to get physical - but you are attracted to his personality, his company, the things he does for you - it's not like a friendship you have with one of your girl friends, or you wouldn't be here wondering about it.

I don't think you can continue the friendship. Let me tell you - we all think we can control it. But the truth is, most can't when it hits this point.


Dorry (aka Deeplysorry)
me FWW - EA/PA fall of 2004
FWH EA/PA late spring 2005
Got our acts together July 2005 and started recovery.

The Recovery Guide for WW's (Wayward Wives)
Dorry's Story

[color:"blue"]Excuses are easy...change is hard....[/color]
dorry #1456043 08/19/05 08:00 PM
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Rosey,
My husband is involved in an emotional affair and I am dying inside. I wanted to believe they were "just friends".
I wanted to trust my husband.

The situation you are in is very hurtful and dangerous.
Just check out my posts to see.
Please stop it now. Do not have any futher contact with this man. Send him home to work out his marriage.

A true friend would never do anything that was destructive to a marriage.
Be strong,

Faith

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Rosey Offline OP
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Thanks for all of your support and advice.
Tough to think about havig to go back to being alone again.

To aswer a couple of questions - Yes my husband is in the military.
And yes his wife and I are friends as he is with my husband.

I can break off extra contact, phone, email, things like that. I cannot remove him from my life completely in that he is a member of a group I direct. I would not wish to step aside from my job and I could never ask him to resign from the group. This activity does place us together quite a bit.

Rosey #1456045 08/19/05 09:20 PM
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Well, Rosey, I think you need to replace the word "can't" with the word "won't". You'd be amazed at what you CAN do with the right motivation.

Think about your husband, away serving his country...

Think about your "friend", the one you are betraying my continuing to accept the attention, caring, and emotional connection that is rightly hers and hers alone....

Think about the lives you are in the process of destroying...

The natural inclination right now is to just pretend like nothing is wrong, after all not only would it be very painful to do the right thing, but it also would remove the one way you have of getting your emotional neds met right now.

Even if you don't feel your marriage is worth the scarifice, it's not your right to decide if his is. By continuing in this "friendship" you are enabling him to destroy his marriage. That is not true friendship.

Trust me Rosey, divorce is a nightmare. Ask anyone who has been through it. If you care about either of your "friends" you will step aside, you will remove yourself so that their lives will not be destroyed.

However, everything has to happen one step at a time. Normally, I would suggest telling your husband how you feel. Maybe someone else can jump in here, but I just feel so bad for him to have to hear that and worry about it when he is deployed and would feel so helpless. Then again, not knowing isn't any better...My thought is that the best way to put an end to this dangerous situation is to go to your friend (and by that I mean his wife)and humbly confess to her that you think that the feelings in the friendship with her husband have gone a little too far (on your side) and that you aren't comfortable, you feel like you are betraying her and you know the feelings are wrong.

That should end it pretty quick. Think you couldn't possibly do that? Is this woman your friend Rosey? If she is, you would be willing to do that for her. After all, this is her LIFE, her family, her marriage we are talking about here.


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
Divorced after XWH's A
MARRIED to LostHusband 7/23/05!!
3 step DD's, 15, 13, 10
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We had a disagreement yesterday that blossomed into a continuing saga today. And I have felt really terrible all day. You just wouldn't fight with a friend the way we were fighting. I made the comment - 'you'de think we were married.' That's what made me start to think that this relationship had gotten out of hand and why I went looking for advice and support. Talking to her though does sound like something I could maybe do. She called here today to check on something with my kids and I was very upset. She asked what was wrong - obviously didnot know and I told her that I was in the middle of something that I was trying to get out of. After we hung up I kind of felt like that I could have probably talked to her.

As for my hubby - I talk with him everyday, he knows that we are very close friends, but that's all I thought until yesterday. He has always been in the loop of everywhere we have ever been, our conversations, etc. I have always felt that being open and honest would help us prevent things like this. I guess absence can reek havoc on the best intentions. I will talk with him tonight - maybe if I let him know how much I miss him and stop trying to be so strong I won't need this other to help bolster me up.

I hate disagreements, but maybe this one opened my eyes at just the right time.

Rosey #1456047 08/20/05 12:41 AM
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If you had a best girlfriend, what would she tell you to do? What would your mother or sister or father think? Perhaps you should confess to somebody you know and can be accountable to. Ashamed to tell them? that is a BIG CLUE that you're going the wrong path.

Get a grip on yourself. You don't have to do anything right this second, take some time to evaluate yourself. What you are doing is wrong, DEAD WRONG. Don't cross the line, you can never take it back. You will always be the one who cheated, but if you quit now you've come out ahead and can focus on the real problem. Don't be discouraged, you can consider this problem as a huge stop sign before falling off a cliff. You can be thankful you are realizing there is a problem.


pretty confused
Rosey #1456048 08/20/05 08:17 AM
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Tough to think about havig to go back to being alone again.


There's your answer! If you see no one else as being able to be a support for you but this man...you are heading in the wrong direction. This man is someone else's husband. He is there to support his wife. Sure, he can help others. But you see him as your support, with whom you'd "be alone without him".

There are a whole lot of people in the world. Lots of other military family members in your shoes. I'm sure there are support groups...probably online if none near you. I know that there are other military spouses on MB struggling with relationship issues while their spouses are on active duty. So, being "alone without him" sounds a whole lot like someone in an exclusive relationship with a man.

Yes, it would be a "loss" to not have his support in your life. But, I think what other former WSs are trying to tell you is that to continue with this relationship is to risk an even greater loss down the road.

As far as removing yourself from your job, or him from the group, many who have ended up having affairs have to do this down the road to try and heal their marriages. You may not need to take that step now. But, please, don't kid yourself about the possible consequences and risks of continuing things exactly as they are. If you direct the "group", than let him be part of the "group". Not your individual support person.

You can do this! You wouldn't be here if you didn't care and have concerns about you current situation.

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Rosey - listen to these people. You will hear some things that are hard to think about. You will encounter some folks who are bitter because their spouse and "friend" turned into more than that.

You feel right now you are in control of the situation, but you are so walking on the edge of a tall building - teetering. You can chose to step away from the edge right now. One step away from the safe place - it becomes more difficult. Way more difficult.

You are standing on the edge. Think about your next step.

Yes - exposing this to your husband and the other man's wife is difficult. It will be embarrassing - you could loose a friendship. Read some of the other stories here. That embarassment is nothing compared to the train wrecks you will read about here. Right now you can chose to NOT BE IN THAT TRAIN WRECK.

Watch your step...

far


foundareason
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I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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OH! -and

THANK YOU FOR COMING HERE AND LISTENING!!!!!

If my wife could have come here.......

far


foundareason
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I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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Thanks too all once again. If I thought I was lonely before, it was nothing compared to the current situation of not being able to talk to any one in my immediate circle about this. Theis board has probably saved a lot of future heartache. I'm still listening.
Update: I think this relationship grew so inoccently that it caught us both by suprise and until a couple of days ago the thought didn't cross either of our minds. Due to plans involving his wife and my children, we were unable to avoid each other today. Those plans were made before we hit the wall and realized what was happening in our lives. You guys have given me a new outlook and I think now that I can handle this in a way that leaves us all better people. I always think that if we let them, our cirumstances can make us better people. I definitely can look back now and see the big flashing signs that I missed that should have told me that something wasn't headed in the right direction. I know what those signs look like now and I don't think I'll ever miss them again. And as strange as it seems - I want his wife to be able to enjoy the guy that I got to know. I think they both need to know that. She needs to know that she sent up some of the red flags that I missed. She needs to take them down and work on those areas or he will just find someone else to "be friends" with. As for my hubby - he will call tonight, I don't think knowing this over the phone is good for morale. however, I think he may get the message when the other person has dropped from the conversation. When he is home later we can talk about it then.
As for my plan - its a work in progress. I plan to sit down this week and talk to my friend. I am not sure that he has come the awareness of the situation as I have. Judging from today I don't think that he has. I feel the need for us to take ownership of our actions, learn from our mistake so that we neither one make it again, let him know that outside of mandatory contact, we need to cut the rest of it out, confess our sin and seek forgiveness both from each other and from God. We didn't plan for this, but we were adult enough to end up here - we must be adult enough to deal with it.

To other WW - has this ever affected your ability to be friends with another guy? Did you always assume you would wander or is having a better understanding of what caused the situation in the first place enough to change friendship habits for the better?

thanks again - you guys are great.

Rosey #1456052 08/20/05 05:32 PM
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I think you should write a letter and not talk to the guy at all.

Just make it short and sweet, no apologies. SOrt of like "I have made a huge lapse of judgment by continuing on this relationship with you. I do not want to see you or talk to you again. Please do not contact me and I will not contact you. Goodbye"

and then you have to let go. his marriage is his business and he needs to tend to it, not you. If he doesn't make his needs known to his wife, that is their problem his and hers not yours. Stay out of their marriage. Its for your own good as well.


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Rosey,
I am so glad you found this site...Put a stop to this while you can. My WH had a friend that I was aware of. There was a whole circle of friends that included both spouses and children. This is a woman I welcomed in my home, her children had sleepovers here. Her friendship grew with my H slowly, I could see it. I asked about it "Oh, no I'm just one of the guys he doesn't even realize I'm female. I would never do that to my family. I could never do that to you." Well, I don't think they had that intent when it started. But now there are 2 families being riped apart because their "friendship was more important".

Being separated from your spouse makes you vulenrable to A it certainly sounds like you have already emotionally bonded but have not shared your feelings with OM. STOP NOW!


aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007

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