Would welcome all input on my terrible issue. Husband and I are in terrible times - possibly breaking up. Meeting him tomorrow for a discussion. Our problem - he has 2 female friends who are married. He has very lewd sexual conversations with them on a regular basis - graphic discussions about doing sexual things to each other. He thinks it's no big deal and I should just be okay with it. I've tried to suppress my anxiety about it and over the past months I've become very insecure about us. He kept up the interactions with them even though I told him I felt it was so inappropriate and disrespectful. I was so worried about it that I started checking his email to see if he was doing it. We finally had a huge argument about it and I told him I checked on him. He wants it over because he says I crossed the line. I want us to work it out. I'm devastated. I should have been more secure and should have addressed the issue straight up without going to the extreme of watching over what he was doing. I just felt I'd get a clue that he stopped and we'd be okay. At this point he said he is completely stopping his interaction with them, but he doesn't know if he wants to continue with me. I have never done a thing in the past to lose his trust and now he's ready to just throw in the towel and not try. And...the problem is all mine now. He is focused only on what I did. We are meeting tomorrow afternoon to talk about this. I would appreciate any thoughts and suggestions. I love him very much and want us to be okay.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. So you checked your husband's email, and found inappropriate comments to a married woman, and now he is mad. And now he says that YOU crossed the line. Do I have that right?

That's exactly what happened. He is mad because he says I should never have gotten in his mail. I wouldn't have if done that ever but knew he was up to something with them and wanted to verify. He laughed it off and said it was no big deal because he wouldn't really sleep with them because they are fat. How's that for logic? I want us to fix this but he can't seem to get past my "breach of security". I have to talk with him tomorrow and we are going to decide if we try or if its over. I don't know what to do.

ok ella, listen up. Your H is manipulating you into feeling guilty for busting him. He is bullying you by threatening to leave you if you continue to catch him.

There is nothing wrong with snooping when you have a legitimate suspicion. There is something very wrong with talking dirty and carrying on with other women. There is nothing wrong with catching him in the act, nor does he have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back.

Understand?

You see, your H doesn't want you to catch him, so he is trying to make you feel guilty for catching him. You have done nothing wrong or "untrustworthy." He has done something wrong and is not be trusted.

You have a serious problem on your hands. Your H is having affairs with other women and is not be trusted.

What is your H doing that he so desperately needs to hide? People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. What is he hiding?

Thankyou Melody - I was so shocked, I was still collecting my thoughts.

This has nothing to do with being insecure, but with being SMART to realize that he was doing something behind your back that needed to be investigated. Your H is acting in untrustworthy manner, you would be crazy to trust an untrustworthy person.

So, when he accuses you of "not trusting him," tell him that "of course, I don't trust you given your past untrustworthy behavior. Trust must be EARNED and I need to know what you plan on doing to EARN trust. "

If I were you, I would expect that he give you all passwords to his cellphones, voicemails, etc and make his life an open book to you. In the meantime, you should put some spyware on his computer to ENSURE that he is acting trustworthy. Don't tell him you are going to do this.

I do not think he has actually done the "act" and he thinks that if he doesn't do that he is being faithful. He thinks it's all "in good fun". Of course he does it behind our backs. He knows her husband and says he respects her husband too much to actually do something with her!!! My question to him - if you respect the husband so much, why in the world do you talk to his wife that way. And, where is the respect for me. I would NEVER talk to someone like that. Thanks so much. Really helps to talk.

Well, since he respects her husband so much, I guess the next thing would be to send her husband a copy of your husband's "respectful" email to his wife. I think I would do that right away, just to get this cleared up.

Ella, what is happening is an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, if not a physical one. If it is not physical, it will be SOON if you don't do something to stop it. Your H does this because you won't stop him.

He knows he can make you feel scared of losing him and guilty for catching him and you will shut up, right?

And emotional affair is being unfaithful and it doesn't matter if he agrees with that or not. It is not in "good fun" and you shouldn't tolerate it. Why not get a chat log and show her husband this "good fun?" See if he agrees with your H.

believer is absolutely correct. Send her H a copy of this chat so he can be in on the harmless joke.

Ella, please tell me that you now understand that you have done nothing wrong? Do you understand this?

Melody - Great minds think alike. Or did you teach me all of this stuff?

ellacrea - How is the rest of your marriage? Are there some other problems?

believer, maybe I learned it from you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ella; you're right to question that type of behavior, and the good people here will give you the best help possible. They're terrific.

At one point my WW was doing something that I wasn't completely sure was inappropriate. I can remember that feeling. So I asked MC, who immediately set me right. You were smart to ask, and you'll be smart to listen I'm sure.

FWIW - speaking from only a little experience, I now have a completely different view of flirting, innuendo, etc. Used to find it fun, now find it nauseating. I can't stand to see people do it anymore. I think it can be very disrespectful and damaging, and possibly a sign.

Count your blessings, you're at the right place.

Well to be honest I am beating myself up about reading the email. I know however that I have done nothing else wrong. I know that he definitely has. He is scheduled to go on a business trip with these 2 girls in a month. I was invited, and 3 weeks ago they un-invited me. Said "no spouses allowed". In one of the emails, they joke about having sex together on the trip - and how none of us would know. He said it was just silly banter and that he never would have actually done anything.

So - I'm trying to get my head right about all this so that tomorrow when we meet and talk I will not do the begging, apologetic thing.

Our relationship is good in a lot of areas...intimacy is very, very good. Friendship, discussions, all good. He does like to make the "rules" about things that we do - what we do, when we do it. I'm definitely the giver.

What your husband is doing is inappropriate. This is not your fault. Don't let him make you feel guilty for snooping. This is his issue. Don't back down. The first step to resolving a problem is knowing you have one. Don't have any advice for you right now, but I do understand your pain. My H is having an EA too.
I'll check in on you later,after your meeting.
Faith

REading the email WAS NOT WRONG and it is inappropriate to beat yourself for it. Your H does not have the right to have secrets from you. Do not apologize for reading the email. You have every right to read his emails and it sounds like you need to be reading them in order to protect yourself.


It might be a good idea to let the husband of the woman in on the "joke" before you talk to your H tomorrow. And I would also make plans to go on the trip, Ella. Tell him you will be coming.

Ella, your marriage is in trouble and if you don't do something to stop this emotional affair now, it will get worse and very well could turn into a physical affair if it hasn't already.

Wow. My WW's affair got started on a business trip - so to me this sounds bad. Can you get him to a marriage counselor before the trip? Maybe you can say that you've heard from others (e.g. here) that flirting in combination with a trip can be disaster for a marriage. If he loves and respects you he should go with you to a MC. I think you should go all-out to nip it in the bud before that trip.

Thank you so much. I am sitting here at work (afraid to go home). Guess I'll head that way and check posts in a little bit. I am exhausted from this all.