Why do BS's need to suppress their need to show love and affection? Why is it when the BS tells the WS they love them, etc., it only seems to push them away further?

Am I making any sense? I just wonder what it is the WS is thinking when they hear their BS tell them "I love you" or give them a love note. Is it disgust? Is it pity? Is it guilt?

Just wondering as I've been reading a lot on the forums lately about the need for BS's to pull back in these types of ways.

well for me in my case - I wanted the i love yous, etc...but in my H's case when he had his A - he didn't.

He explained it to me like this. He was trying to have a relationship with someone else. Everytime I said I love you or was affectionate - it confused him. You see - in his head (in his WS fog) it was all clear, what he wanted, what was justified, his resolved feeling over me...but everytime I showed love or affection it wrecked the image he had going as he got confused. I know I had an image going too when I was in the fog - but it didn't confuse me when H said he loved me, it only made me feel even better as two men were loving me (UGH i know).

I think because of that confusion they feel, they PULL away and distance themselves to get back to what they KNOW at that time, and that's the fog. When they feel that confusion they pull away and feel pressured and guilt...pushing them often further into the fog. So not showing affection or love, doesn't confuse them, doesn't give them more reason to pull further away from you, and oddly keeps them closer.

I could be way off base, but this is just based off H's explaination to me, and what i sorta related to in my A.

wow Dorry that actually makes sense to me. And I can see that happening in my case when I have told WH I love him or showed affection. Thats why now I don't tell him that or try and show affection because it was like I could feel him pull away from me. it like the guilt he would feel would just make him want to be with the OW more to prove I was wrong about my feelings or his. I often wondered during all of this why is he trying to make me hate him so, this could be the answer ......

I think that's what my WH is doing somehow.. well I THINK that is what it is.. coz I don't really know. I don't see him so I can't read or gauge facial expressions. He has pulled so far away from me I don't know what's going on!

Thanx for trying to explain.

~A

thanks dorry for taking the time to answer.
This actually helps to explain why my WH says he feels I've pressured him even though he feels I haven't done it intentionally. (which is true, I didn't realize I was putting pressure on him)

I'm sure, like you said, not everyone feels the same way. We aren't cookie cutter people. But that little bit seemed to hit a bullseye for me. Thank you for the insight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just a thought. BS says ILY, WS hears is and wishes it was OP who was saying ILY.

this is from an e-book by Dr. Huizenga at www.break-free-from-the-affair.com downloaded by DHDaddy

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER DO:

Say “I love you”


Saying “I love you,” especially repeatedly, often pushes your spouse away and in essence, probably does not reflect the truth of what you really want to say.

What does it mean to say, “I love you?” especially at this juncture in your relationship?

Do you know? Does he/she?

The words “I love you” are powerful in the beginning stages of a relationship where they match the underlying powerful feelings of attraction. “I love you then” means: I’m attracted to you. I want to be with you. I experience good feelings when I am with you or think about you.

Or, the words are powerful later in the relationship when special occasions recall the feelings that brought you together or when the stability of the relationship is temporarily threatened and you express your commitment to your spouse.

But, when in the midst of dealing with an affair, using the words “I love you” are inadequate and in reality, poor communication. They do not express what you really want to say. Nor does your spouse, who is allegedly “in love” with another person, know what to do with that statement.

Here are ways your spouse might respond internally when he hears those words from you:

• Yeah right! What does she want now? She’s just saying that so I won’t leave. Or, she’s just saying that so I will leave the other woman. She’s using that to manipulate me. So, I will walk away or not say anything.

• He loves ME? Yeah right! How can he love me when I do something like this. It doesn’t make sense. Who would love someone who fools around on them. If he fooled around on me, I know I wouldn’t love him.

• Hey, this is cool! I got two of them wanting me. Man, it feels great to be pursued by two people. It is great to be loved by two people. (This may not be acknowledged but it might lie behind a need to continue the soap opera drama.)

• She loves me? What is the world does that mean? What is she trying to say when she says that? I don’t understand. Is that all she can say? Isn’t there more she needs to say to me. How am I to respond? Say “I love you too?” Geezzz Louise, it’s not that simple.

• I hate it when he says “I love you.” That really makes him unattractive. He seems so sickeningly needy when he says that. And, that really turns me off. When he says it, I think of a whining lost little boy who needs reassurance. Sorry, but I’m not there. I don’t want to be a mother.

What are you really saying? Here are some possibilities. Do any fit?
• “I love you” means I need you. My life is incomplete or insufficient without you. I have little clue of who I am outside of you and I need you to define who I am. I cannot think of having a life of my own.

• “I love you” means don’t leave me. I’m afraid of life on my own. I am terrified of what might happen. Tell me you love me, that you will be there for me so I don’t have to think of making my own way. Calm my fears, because I’m not sure I can.

• “I love you” means I’m a wimp. I don’t want to rock the boat. I don’t want to really confront you with what I’m really thinking and feeling. I don’t want to take a stand and say ENOUGH. I will tolerate almost anything.

• “I love you” means I’m sad. It feels sad to see the relationship and dreams crumble. It’s sad to feel the distance, mistrust pain and agony. It’s sad to think of that which might never happen. It’s sad to think of maybe not growing old with you.

• “I love you” means I remember with loving feelings who you were and who I was. I remember who we were. I remember
the good times. I remember the way it used to be. I remember what it was like to love and be there for each other. I miss that. I love those memories and maybe, that’s all they are.